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Long story short: Originally my mom had asked if we could get the grandkids together for a picture for Mothers' Day. Ok, fine. I'll buy them outfits, etc. Now she's changing it to wanting a complete family picture for Mother's Day (all of her kids, our spouses, the grandkids, etc.)<br><br>
It's been five years since we had a family picture taken. I really didn't want to do that one, either, but I kind of felt bullied into it (I was two weeks postpartum!)<br><br>
I don't want/like my picture taken. Dh knows this, and doesn't take pictures of me. I want people to get out something I've written after I'm gone, rather than a picture. Dh thinks it's a self-esteem issue (well duh! ) But it really, really makes me have anxiety to even think about getting my picture taken.<br><br>
So my mom said I could give her this family picture as a "gift" for Mothers' Day. I reminded her that it's Mothers' Day for me, too. I told her how uncomfortable it makes me. She kept saying I should just do it for her.<br><br>
She was almost crying when I told her no. Am I being selfish? Should I suck up my needs/wants for hers? I have a hard time knowing when (or when not) to give in to other people.
 

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If you feel really strongly about not wanting to be in a picture than dont do it.<br><br><br>
as a side note though-<br>
Your kid/s might want to see what their mom looked like when she was young after you're gone.<br>
It's always bugged the heck out of me that I dont have many pictures of me (or my mother and father) to look at from way back when. (and I now take way to many of my kids to make up for it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br><br>
I know all about mothers and their guilt trips though. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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I agree with Wickid...<br><br>
but I will add that it sounds like you have self esteem issues. We all do. I guess I can see the side of doing it for your mother because it means a lot to her. I can also see the side of taking care of yourself and putting yourself first on Mother's Day, especially.<br><br>
I know I am probably not being helpful, but I thought about it, and what I would probably do is get my picture taken, not like it and be irritated, but just do it for my mom.<br><br>
Now, if you and your mom don't get along or she is dysfunctional or abusive, then I would not do it. But if you have a pretty normal, healthy relationship, then I myself would have ended up just doing it.<br><br>
She loves you and that's why she cried when you said "No".<br><br>
Bottom line, I say go with you gut.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> Bean
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7997835"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Long story short: Originally my mom had asked if we could get the grandkids together for a picture for Mothers' Day. Ok, fine. I'll buy them outfits, etc. Now she's changing it to wanting a complete family picture for Mother's Day (all of her kids, our spouses, the grandkids, etc.)<br><br>
It's been five years since we had a family picture taken. I really didn't want to do that one, either, but I kind of felt bullied into it (I was two weeks postpartum!)<br><br>
I don't want/like my picture taken. Dh knows this, and doesn't take pictures of me. I want people to get out something I've written after I'm gone, rather than a picture. Dh thinks it's a self-esteem issue (well duh! ) But it really, really makes me have anxiety to even think about getting my picture taken.<br><br>
So my mom said I could give her this family picture as a "gift" for Mothers' Day. I reminded her that it's Mothers' Day for me, too. I told her how uncomfortable it makes me. She kept saying I should just do it for her.<br><br>
She was almost crying when I told her no. Am I being selfish? Should I suck up my needs/wants for hers? I have a hard time knowing when (or when not) to give in to other people.</div>
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Ugh....my MIL has the same obsession with family pictures. We have to wear matching outfits too. I HATE getting them done and I really don't care for how they look. (the finished product)<br><br>
As with so many things in life, it's about perspective. It's about the attitude I <i>choose</i> as I face a situation I don't control or like.<br><br>
I look at it this way; The whole dumb thing takes about 5-10 minutes at the most. It happens once every 3-5 years. That's not asking much of me. I see the happiness and freakin' joy it gives MIL to get these portraits made. It's "her" thing.<br><br>
I have "my" things and I fully expect her to respect and participate in those.<br><br>
I hope my similar experience can give you some perspective....something to ponder.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>devster4fun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7998772"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I look at it this way; The whole dumb thing takes about 5-10 minutes at the most. It happens once every 3-5 years. That's not asking much of me. I see the happiness and freakin' joy it gives MIL to get these portraits made. It's "her" thing.</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
That's usually my analysis for things like this -- what's it *really* taking from me.? If it's something that is going to be a rare occurrence and not require too much commitment, I'll usually go along. But you have to analyze it for you. Good luck.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>devster4fun</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7998772"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I look at it this way; The whole dumb thing takes about 5-10 minutes at the most. It happens once every 3-5 years.</div>
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But the awful picture of me will be immortalized on her piano forever after that until the <i><b>next</b></i> time I agree to pictures!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7997835"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">So my mom said I could give her this family picture as a "gift" for Mothers' Day. I reminded her that it's Mothers' Day for me, too. I told her how uncomfortable it makes me. She kept saying I should just do it for her.<br><br>
She was almost crying when I told her no. Am I being selfish? Should I suck up my needs/wants for hers? I have a hard time knowing when (or when not) to give in to other people.</div>
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Has your mom always emotionally manipulated you like this? "I don't like having my picture taken, Mom, it causes anxiety for me" should have been enough to end the conversation. I don't know if I would do it or not, but I would definitely start examining my relationship with my mother, and whether it's a healthy, happy place, or not.<br><br>
That having been said, maybe it's worth looking into why you have such a strong negative feeling about yourself. When you talk about not even wanting people to look at you after you're dead, that tells me that perhaps it's something you need to address, so that you can spend your time in this existence as a happier person. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You are beautiful.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaWindmill</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8000099"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Has your mom always emotionally manipulated you like this? "I don't like having my picture taken, Mom, it causes anxiety for me" should have been enough to end the conversation. I don't know if I would do it or not, but I would definitely start examining my relationship with my mother, and whether it's a healthy, happy place, or not.<br><br>
That having been said, maybe it's worth looking into why you have such a strong negative feeling about yourself. When you talk about not even wanting people to look at you after you're dead, that tells me that perhaps it's something you need to address, so that you can spend your time in this existence as a happier person. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You are beautiful.</div>
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Thank you!<br>
Yes, my mom has used "guilt trips" on me my entire life.<br><br>
I already know why I have such strong negative feelings about myself. Fixing it, though, is another matter.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I already know why I have such strong negative feelings about myself</div>
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Well, knock it off!<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><br>
Wouldn't it be awesome if it were that easy? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> About the picture thing, maybe I'm just a stubborn old mule, but that whole story reeks of a sneaky bait-and-switch, and then the whole "do it for me" routine - baloney. I wouldn't do it. But I'm also regarded as something of an obstinate pain in the ass in my family, so...you make your choices, I guess! I suppose some could say that it's not a big deal, or you could just "give her" this "one thing" - but it's never, ever, ever one thing, is it? And at this point, it's okay for you to say "I am not in a place right now where I feel comfortable doing this, and it's okay for me to put my feelings above hers."
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>A&A</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8000093"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">But the awful picture of me will be immortalized on her piano forever after that until the <i><b>next</b></i> time I agree to pictures!</div>
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IMO, that right there is reason enough to say "no."<br><br>
You can take some casual snapshots of yourself (ok, have somebody else take them) and stick them into a drawer somewhere so your kids will have them to look at after theyr'e grown up, and you don't have to stare at it constantly.<br><br>
It's not JUST the 10 minutes or so of posing for the photo. If you're going to feel anxious and angry all over again every time you see that photo on her piano, then it's not worth it.<br><br>
Take the kids for a photo session, and give your mom a framed photo of them for mother's day, along with a smaller one for her wallet. You don't have to give her a picture of yourself if you don't want to. Or have the big family photo taken with all the cousins, aunts and uncles, but without you.
 

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FWIW, I'd probably just do it. I'd think about what it means to others. THEY don't think my picture looks "awful." I have to put aside my self-consciousness and graciously accept that they love me and want to have a picture of me to remind them of me when I'm not with them. Or even, horror of horrors, to show off. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br>
Self-esteem issues are a reason for introspection, but I don't think they are a reason to opt out of essentially harmless things that mean a lot to close loved ones.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaWindmill</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8000136"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Well, knock it off!<br><br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"><br><br><br>
Wouldn't it be awesome if it were that easy? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"></div>
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Yes, that would be awesome. Although I am trying some "affirmations," so that helps a little.
 

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Now that I read your responses to posts....I'm thinking this has very little to do with the picture taking itself, and lots more to do with self-esteem issues. Does <i>that</i> stem from your Mom?<br><br>
I can't tell how many or what ages your kids are, but I would be concerned about the messages they're getting. I already worry when I see DD watching me put on makeup or weigh myself. I want her to feel comfortable and happy in her own skin.
 

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How about asking the photographer to do several shots....one of you in the group and one without. Ask mom to agree to NOT display the one with you in it on the piano. Ask her to only publicly display the one without you in it and keep the other one for her personal album.<br><br>
My personal opinion is that you are being insecure (okay and stubborn)...not necessarily selfish. I'd encourage you to work toward accepting yourself as you are because it's all you get this time around in life. Spending a lifetime hating your own image is so sad, when those who come after you will treasure that same image when you are gone, because of the person they knew to be YOU. Stepping out of your comfort zone is never comfortable...but that doesn't mean it's not good for you...it's like eating your vegetables!<br><br>
I'm into genealogy...trust me...they will LOVE your image! I treasure every picture that I have of my relatives...some are beautiful by today's standards and some are as homely as mud to be quite frank! LOL! But they are all MINE and they are where I came from and I'm proud of them and myself. I also do scrapbooking and have struggled to put pictures of myself in it in the past. However, as I've gotten older (I'm 48), I know the value of it, so now you'll here me saying at a family gathering, "Hey, since I'm the camera person, did anyone get any good shots of ME?" I never thought I'd hear those words coming from my mouth!!<br><br>
Love yourself. Nobody can do it better than you!
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>fiesta'smom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/8004606"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><br>
I'm into genealogy...trust me...they will LOVE your image! I treasure every picture that I have of my relatives...some are beautiful by today's standards and some are as homely as mud to be quite frank! LOL! But they are all MINE and they are where I came from and I'm proud of them and myself. I also do scrapbooking and have struggled to put pictures of myself in it in the past. However, as I've gotten older (I'm 48), I know the value of it, so now you'll here me saying at a family gathering, "Hey, since I'm the camera person, did anyone get any good shots of ME?" I never thought I'd hear those words coming from my mouth!!<br><br>
Love yourself. Nobody can do it better than you!</div>
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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/yeahthat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yeah that">:<br><br>
I love the photos of the tough 19th century ladies in my family. There's the Dutch immigrant with a weathered, stern face and severely pulled-back hair. The Indian women strong and sturdy and unyielding standing in front of their home. The fat, stooping Scottish bride with a look of grim determination. Real people, real heritage.
 

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But isn't it up to A&A to decide when she chooses to deal with her self-esteem issues? If she's not comfortable doing it, why should she have to suck it up and bow to what everyone else wants?
 

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I wrote earlier:<br><br>
"My personal opinion is that you are being insecure (okay and stubborn)...not necessarily selfish. I'd encourage you to work toward accepting yourself as you are because it's all you get this time around in life. Spending a lifetime hating your own image is so sad, when those who come after you will treasure that same image when you are gone, because of the person they knew to be YOU. Stepping out of your comfort zone is never comfortable...but that doesn't mean it's not good for you...it's like eating your vegetables!"<br><br>
I wanted to add that I wasn't trying to judge whether being insecure was good or bad. It's just the reality of it and there certainly isn't anything bad about that....at least I hope so because I struggle with it often too! I have been so stuck in my own comfort zone at times and still am in many ways. I find that the only way I can get out of it is to jump with both feet. It doesn't feel good. It sucks. Then I get to be proud of myself for just doing it. Sometimes that is the only reward in the moment, but later down the road the rewards start trickling in, as I have the confidence to do it again and again, and realize that things don't bother me as much as they used to.<br><br>
This may not be one of those times for you...only you can know that.
 

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Sure it's ok, but as usual at MDC the kneejerk of most posters was to demonize her mom, and I don't think that's appropriate. I also don't think it's appropriate always to coddle people in their dislike of themselves. Sometimes it's worth taking the risk and challenging their self-assessment.
 
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