[mamamelia]

i don't know if this a GD issue.. prob not, so mods please feel free to move.<br><br>
but how you handle kids breaking thier toys?<br><br>
my kids are somewhat destructive.. and we buy nice toys (like european expensive type nice because i wish to avoid toxins and MIC stuff) and well, they are really careless with them... when i was a child i was taught to be gentle with my toys and i took great care of them.. i still take great care of my stuff and keep it for years and years... i am not a disposable type person and i believe it is because i was taught to appreciate and take care of what i had.<br><br>
i'll give an example... dd broke her umbrella because she just doesn't listen.. she won't just use it for outside but rather run around the house with it and drag it everwhere while it's open. i almost felt like hanging it up and saying "when we go outside and it's raining, you can have it to cover yourself with" but then i thought about it from her point of view.. it probably was fun to run around with it and maybe she was learning something by doing it (yeah i know, a big maybe) and could i possibly be depriving her of anything by making rules like that where some things are only used in certain situations.. i am thinking more along the lines of CL...<br><br>
this kid has a fascination with umbrellas and i don't mind if she sits down and inspects for it an hour.. but i do tend to get the shits when she destroys her stuff because she doesn't listen when i say to please "don't run with it" or "please pack it up when you finish" so that its not lying there on the floor with an open invitation. her sisters push duck that cost $50 broke because for the millionth time it was sitting there on the floor, along with her clothes and shoes and books (which she DOESN'T pick up until you start yelling).. and well dh was walking with very little light and didn't see it and crack it snapped in half. her little sister is starting to become careless with household stuff too because she just imitates dd#1.<br><br>
i just wish that she would be gentle with her stuff and appreciate it more. some kids absolutely treasure thier toys and i wish i could say the same for mine.<br><br>
so what are your rules regarding toys and touching/playing with other stuff in the house (like dh's CDs which are now all scratched and utterly useless)? we don't have much space to pack everything out of reach. our cupboards are full - we have a very small home with small storage space. so some stuff is sitting there either up on the tv cabinet (which is high but STILL climbed!) or on the computer desk which is average desk height.<br><br>
my dd is four and very bright.. just lazy when it comes to taking care of her stuff and honestly, i've had it with most all of thier stuff going to shit after a few weeks.

 

[ann_of_loxley]

Does she get upset when things are broken?<br>
Personally I wouldnt be spending that much money on stuff if I had a child that just did not care. If they dont care, why waste my money? I am not rich enough to be picky about where my toys come from - in fact, we buy a lot from the chairty shop. I also wonder if we could be so concerned about our material items that we could be inadvertantly creating little materialists. (something I would like to avoid personally). I do like nice toys. Even DS plays with ones that DH played with as a baby/child. Its nice. Sometimes I want to buy DS very nice toys as well. Hes not really one for breaking toys (though it doenst sound like your DD is purposly breaking her toys - she just sounds like your average forgetful, no impluse control, normal, healthy 4 year old)...but sometimes I realise that actually, I would enjoy the toy more than him..maybe for its sentimental and aesthetic value - all that adult stuff that children just wont graps because they dont yet have a 'history' to attach to it...<br><br>
Heres how it works in our house. I would say we are pretty CL (or we try to be!).<br>
I buy toys for my son. They are his toys. (just as if I were to buy something for you, it is then yours). His to do with whatever he likes. If he breaks them - we can try to fix it. Accidents do happen. If I broke something of mine, I would try to fix it as well. Sometimes...not fixable. Broken - no good. Thats it then. No big deal. Sometimes I could see it coming. I will usually tell DS what might happen if we do that. That toy is very fragile, if we throw it down the stairs it will break. And maybe suggest an alertnative becuase I can see that DS just wants to throw something down the stairs...here, how about this? What do you think will happen when we throw it down the stairs? Lets watch and find out...(its a ball - it bounces! what do ya know! lol....fun for the next hour lol). Sometimes DS doesnt want to believe me (I guess lol) or perhaps even though I have told him, he wants to...maybe needs to, find out for himself. Ok. It broke. Now we are sad about it. I comfort him. We talk about it. At the end of it all, we have learned a valuable lesson. (and these lessons will be learned...eventualy. And we have to let things happen for them to be learned as well.) You left that toy on the floor, I suggested it was not a good idea becuase it might get broken, an accident happened and now it is broken. How do you think we can avoid this situation next time? Being 4 and a bright young girl, I think its also the perfect age to invovle her in the problem solving and start doing a lot of talking about such things.<br><br>
How can we meet all of our needs. First, its important to remember that our children are not malicious. They are not out to get us and do bad things and be horrible little monsters. So we need to look underneath what we see on the outside. What the underlying need is there. I do not babyproof in my house and have rarely had to move anything. One example I can think of is my jewelry - I dont have much but what I do have I do not want broken. I knew DS doesnt really know how much the jewelry I have costs and that swining it around will get the necklace all tangled up and probably break it. Ill give him the benefit of the doubt first, I trust him...Please do not play with my necklace, I do not want it broken and swinging it around will break it. He stops and puts it back. He forgets an hour later. I decide to put it up and explain why I do not want it played with that way. What can we do about it? We can pop down to the chairty shop and get some cheap jewelry for him to play with. CDs are fun...we like CDs. But they need to be handled gently. So I collected all those cheapy sample CDs/DVDs (you cant tell the difference lol) that you get as a freebie or in the paper, etc that can be 'his' to play with. as an example, etc

 

[mamamelia]

see, i'm with you on that path... i believe in no punishment but a good solid explanation of why we shouldn't do something whether its before or after the fact and what we can change so it doesn't happen again next time.. so <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> there... but after the 100th time that same day, i've almost had it with explaning. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
she does get upset sometimes.. and sometimes she just doesn't care.. she says daddy can buy her another one.. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:<br><br>
i've never babyproofed my house. i think that is part of the problem....... they've always had free reign to touch and see whatever they want. i'm totally ok with this, they are curious little beings.. i just hate when stuff is broken (not slightly damaged, but broken)... i have only packed up valuable and really precious stuff that i do not want them touching... i've decluttered like crazy but there is still stuff lying around that is needed (versus wanted)... i'm very, very lenient with everything in this household from wanting to be naked all day/night to wanting to sleep when they feel tired (as opposed to a set bedtime)... but gosh i just want them to stop breaking/destroying stuff. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> everything we own has an environmental price and i want them to know that it's NOT okay to just dump on things and think "there is more where that came from"...<br><br>
i have worried about the materialistic aspect, but they have very few toys to begin with and we don't do birthday presents, only one christmas present and we actually de-clutter together and talk about how some people don't have much and that the stuff i am putting away in the box is to give to that person who is less fortunate etc they are not materialistic or obsessive over thier toys in the least.. and i owe that never doing the whole "this is your toy and that is her toy" rule or focusing on presents around birthdays/christmas. but maybe, they are too far end on that spectrum to the point where they don't care...<br><br>
i just want to instill some awareness that our stuff needs to be looked after.. but i don't know how to do it without infringing on thier rights. i know i would be pissed if someone told me how to use something they had given me and i suppose they wouldn't feel any different.. thats what im trying to avoid really.. the other thing is my dd has sensory processing issues and she doesn't pick up on cues easily... as in she won't learn social behaivour in the typical way another child would.. she needs to be directly taught what to do and when to do it.. for most other kids they learn in a matter of time be it months or years but for dd, if she is not taught, she can go on and on.. so in some ways i feel like i am setting her up for failure by not pointing the obvious out... she is such a beautiful child, very sweet, i know she doesn't mean to do harm but it still doesn't take away from the fact that she does.. i need some steps on handling this i guess.<br><br>
i dont know... im very confused about this all.<br><br>
on the other hand, i kind of went off today (bad day) and gave a little lecture about how i was tired of her not taking care of her dolly and instead asking for another one because that one doesn't look the same as it did when it was new... and i basically told her it was her fault the dolly looked so different... she leaves her around on the floor, throws her around etc and i said that i thought the dolly was very upset because she was not taken care of. well she went inside, picked up her dolly, dressed her and started talking to her. she told me she would take care of her because she didn't want her to get upset. well, surprise, the dolly is not on the floor tonight and i haven't said a word since...<br>
(but she knows daddy can't buy her another dolly, because this dolly was made by the elves last christmas and delivered by santa - its not one you can just walk into a shop and buy - its not a precious china doll, its a kids playdoll but is from europe so not readily available here)<br>
anyway, not my ideal way of handling it (i hate anything that resembles a guilt trip) but it got through to her.. i'd like to keep it up... but not in the way i handled it today... i don't want to guilt her into something.. something more gentle.<br><br>
...and now she is ready for bed (@ 12:55am) and she just asked me where she can pack her books so that they are not left on the floor....<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Well, first if she isn't capable of caring for her toys, then I definitely would buy fewer of them and/or less expensive ones. I definitely wouldn't replace things that were broken through carelessness.<br><br>
We have a very clear distinction in our house between "toys" and "not toys". Umbrellas are not toys. They are made to keep the rain off of you, not to play with. Besides which, they are dangerous inside and can poke people. So that one I would definitely have put a stop too immediately.<br><br>
With all respect though, I'm wondering if you have taughter her and required her to be careful / respectful with her stuff. You say that the duck was broken because it was lying with dirty laundry. Ignoring the duck, why was there laundry on the floor to begin with? She's 4 -- old enough to put laundry in the hamper when she changes her clothes, but not old enough to do it without supervision, a reminder, and maybe either "help" or not doing anything else until its done. Maybe if you start with small things like laundry, you can build up to bigger things like toys.<br><br>
I do think that expecting a 4 YO to take care of toys on her own is probably a bit too much to expect. Do you help with cleaning up? Make picking up part of your daily routine? Break it into small, specific steps? Let her see you picking up and caring for your things? All of these things woudl probably help.<br><br>
I'm also wondering if she has a choice of the toys that you buy? I think that kids tend to care more for things they chose.<br><br>
Finally, labeling a child as "lazy" seems inappropriate. She's 4 -- she's old enough to help with things, but not old enough to do them on her own. Ultimately, if you care about these toys, its up to you to teach her to care for them, reconsider your toy purchases, or do it yourself.

 

[ann_of_loxley]

Some things for me are tricky as well as my DS also have SPD (and I suspect an ASD - pdd nos). But he is hypersensitive so picks up on the smallest of things way too easily!<br><br>
I think a lot of it has to do with trust. Its like...we have decided to unschool. I do not feel I need to sit my son down and <i>teach</i> him things. I trust him to get there on his own. This is hard for a lot of people to grasp though!... Its the same with CL sometimes I think because a lot of it is reliant on trust. Trusting ourselves and trusting our children. That first step can often be pretty hard and sometimes we may second guess ourselves. (what if he never learns to read?...how can he if I dont teach him?...of course I know better now! hehe) I suggest you take a deep breath and breathe. Let go of the expectations and take everyday day by day. It may not give you the answer you are after now but hopefully that approach will help you to relax and de-stress a bit. I find when I do this, the answer just start to jump out at me then! hehe<br>
If she came to me upset about her doll, I might say something similar to her. I would say something like 'I know you very upset about your doll - why do you think it is dirty?...If we leave our toys out they can get dirty. If we want our toys to stay nice we have to make sure we tidy them away and take care of them' Maybe she just needs more from you?...I mean, maybe you need to invovle her more in the problem solving. Ask her if she would like your help in reminding her? DS is only just turned 3 a few weeks ago...if I see a toy out I just put it away. If he is nearby he usually just starts helping me put them away. When he is older and I can get more of a conversation out of him I may ask him what he desires of his toys and me...would he like me to help him remind him? etc<br>
With full respect and trust...I trust your daughter will one day value her items and take care of them and value others and respect them as well.<br>
Personally...I didnt grasp any of this until I was 10! lol I just finally clicked! Hey, if I take care of my things they stay better for longer and if I take care of my stuff first, then I have time for other things later. So I say you have plenty of time yet! hehe

 

[mamamelia]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">We have a very clear distinction in our house between "toys" and "not toys". Umbrellas are not toys. They are made to keep the rain off of you, not to play with. Besides which, they are dangerous inside and can poke people. So that one I would definitely have put a stop too immediately.</td>
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this is what i'm looking for! i just wasn't sure if it was being too imposing... maybe i should of just hung up the umbrella afterall..<br><br>
the duck wasn't with dirty laundry.. it was on the lounge room floor... i don't know where dirty laundry was mentioned? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"> but see, that's the thing... i haven't taught her directly to be gentle with her stuff... and i'm wondering what and how to say it.. that's my problem. i don't want to be imposing or controlling about this...yet at the same time, being lenient is not working out either. i want to find a comfortable medium.<br><br>
i do constantly ask her to pick up stuff and i do model it in front of her... probably not nearly as enough as i should.. i often give up and pick up the stuff myself.. maybe there is my mistake... but if i dont pick it up, it stays on the floor. i feel like i can't win. it doesn't help that dh is lazy with housework and she is prob picking up on his behaivour too.<br><br>
yes, she ALWAYS has a say in the toys she wants... almost everything i buy is online and i'll ask her several times about the same item with lots of pictures before purchasing. i don't believe in purchasing for my own satisfaction. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
but she IS lazy... she makes excuses all the time... like she is too tired and even told me once that she "just can't be bothered"... what about "don't worry mama, you can do it for me or daddy can come clean up the mess" i mean, what do i make of a statement like that? the only thing that comes to mind is lazyness.<br><br>
they only have about 8 toys + books... which is why i'm scratching my head at WHY they just can't look after them. it's not a playroom or boxes full of stuff... i don't get it. she will happily spend an hour washing dishes in the kitchen but not a minute just packing away her stuff...<br>
oh, then the tons of dresses and clothes that they feel the need to take out and wear for ONE minute and then dump on the floor or worse, in the laundry with all the dirty clothes...<br><br>
i almost feel like imposing rules such as "if you don't pack your toys, there is no lunch" like i've seen some mamas on mdc do..<br><br>
very frustrated with all of this. i had a controlling mother and i strive to NOT parent the way she did.

 

[ann_of_loxley]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I do think that expecting a 4 YO to take care of toys on her own is probably a bit too much to expect. Do you help with cleaning up? Make picking up part of your daily routine? Break it into small, specific steps? Let her see you picking up and caring for your things? All of these things woudl probably help.<br>
She's 4 -- she's old enough to help with things, but not old enough to do them on her own. Ultimately, if you care about these toys, its up to you to teach her to care for them, reconsider your toy purchases, or do it yourself.</td>
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Frankly put but I do agree. At the end of the day, I also have to remember and ask mysel f 'is this something <i>I</i> want or something my DS wants'... Right now, a lot of it something I just want. I want a tidy house for example - DS could really care less. Though he does notice that things are easier to get out and play with, etc when the house is tidy. So if I want something done, I do it. If he helps, great. He really does learn best by example! Modeling works well in our house. I did EC with him and after awhile he was running to get a terry nappy (they soak up so well! lol) to clean up a any wee misses he had...bless him. Thats because he saw me doign it so often though - he was not even 2 yet at the time. I never asked him to help.<br>
All of these things are possible to do in a CL way without any manipulation or coercion, etc. But as I said in my post above - requires a lot of trust.<br>
I am currently reading 'Raising our Children - Raising Ourselves'...dont know if you have the book but so far it is a great read and I highly recommend it! (covers stuff like this)

 

[mamamelia]

oh ann <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> it's hard with SPD...<br><br>
we're going to be homeschooling too... and probably more towards the way of unschooling... i like my kids to feel ready and very satisfied with what they are doing, which i guess is why this issue is such a problem to me.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">If she came to me upset about her doll, I might say something similar to her. I would say something like 'I know you very upset about your doll - why do you think it is dirty?...If we leave our toys out they can get dirty. If we want our toys to stay nice we have to make sure we tidy them away and take care of them' Maybe she just needs more from you?...I mean, maybe you need to invovle her more in the problem solving. Ask her if she would like your help in reminding her?</td>
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you know.. that is a brilliant point.. i want to be CL but i also should realize that she probably does need more of an opinion/direction than a NT child would. that's why i think what i said worked today... she did pack her books away and she did keep her dolly off the floor... so maybe i need to be much more direct with what i expect or what will happen really rather than waiting it out.. i've been waiting it out for a year now.<br>
a lot to think about... i think i will ask if she needs help with reminding..<br><br>
just as a sidenote, i did EC with her too... and yes she also did get the terry towels and wipe up wee and poop spills when they happened... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[WhaleinGaloshes]

I'm working in this in my house, too.<br><br>
I think many good things have been brought up. I agree that it's important for us as adults not to be to attached to the toys. If you care more about the toys then she does, you're going to get frustrated. I find there are things that I want DD to have, like a doll or a nice toy, but sometimes I'll step back and say "she doesn't really value this the way I do."<br><br>
Montessori philosophy is awesome at teaching 'care' for things, IMO. The literature is big on the absence of clutter, and everything has it's own place (which is accessible to the child.) I try constantly (and it's an ongoing battle) to keep the house organized. I have this <a href="http://www.forsmallhands.com/store/index.php?main_page=index&cPath=84_112_649" target="_blank">little book</a> (it's almost a pamphlet), about Montessori environments at home that inspires me to stay organized.<br><br>
My DD is 3, and I'm still coming behind her to pick up what she missed, but I can see how she is gravitating toward keeping it picked up herself. If I find something on the floor in the way, I'll put it in the basket and if she's around say "I'm putting this in the basket so it doesn't get broken." She'll even do the same for me sometimes if I've left something out. I really think modeling our values and the behavior we value is the #1 tool for helping kids develop it, but it works slowly.<br><br>
DD has recently become even rougher with her things in play than she was as a little toddler. It frustrates me, but I do think it will pass. In the mean time I have to re-evaluate what she like to play with and how, and make sure I'm getting her toys that match where she is developmentally, not just her developmental ability but also her developmental proclivity at the moment, if that makes sense.

 

[mamamelia]

good point! thanks for contributing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I find there are things that I want DD to have, like a doll or a nice toy, but sometimes I'll step back and say "she doesn't really value this the way I do."</td>
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yep same here. i've packed away some stuff that i've realised fits this criteria.<br><br>
we also believe in montessori (dd actually went to a montessori children's house for a little while) and her teacher said she was brilliant and followed all the rules beautifully... i must be doing something wrong. i think i have forgotten about wanting to implement montessori in the home and have leaned too much to the side of consensual living and it's just not fitting dd's personality..<br>
montessori is child led, but there are certain rules about packing up, leaving something in the condition you found it in.. and this appeals to me greatly as this is how i was as a child - neat and caring with my toys. dd is VERY black and white... and i think she may need much more structure than i am providing. i am seeing where the problem lies.. i think we need to re-structure the way this household is run..<br><br>
starting to put the peices together now..<br><br>
question though: what do i do if she blantantly refuses to pack up her stuff and throws one of her "i can't be bothered" lines at me? i know she is only four, but she is a very, very smart four year old.. she understands what she is saying.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamamelia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12309200"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">question though: what do i do if she blantantly refuses to pack up her stuff and throws one of her "i can't be bothered" lines at me? i know she is only four, but she is a very, very smart four year old.. she understands what she is saying.</div>
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If you want a strictly CL answer, this won't be it I'm afraid. My 5 YO does the "I'm too tired" thing a bunch. I generally say, "Well, I'm tired too but we still have to do X. Tired isn't a reason not to." If she really gets ugly about it, I'm not at all above saying "Well, if you are too tired to do X then we will need to get you more sleep tonight and/or you are obviously too tired to do Y." But then, I'm a snide sort that way.<br><br>
I'm a big proponent of letting the kids tell me why something needs to happen or why a rule is important. Mine are a bit older, but your child is clearly bright and articulate, so maybe this would work. Something like, "I would like you to put away doll. Why do you think that might be important? What might happen if doll isn't put away". Generally my kids can come up with a pretty long list of natural consequences for whatever we are talking about. Doll gets stepped on, doll gets dirty, doll can't be found when wanted, Mommy gets frustrated with messy house... Once they've come up with that list, they are much more likely to put doll away when asked. Of course, the process starts all over again the minute that's done, but that's another story.

 

[WhaleinGaloshes]

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<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamamelia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12309200"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">personality..<br>
question though: what do i do if she blantantly refuses to pack up her stuff and throws one of her "i can't be bothered" lines at me? i know she is only four, but she is a very, very smart four year old.. she understands what she is saying.</div>
</td>
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Well this is just me: I do it myself. I let her knowing the reasons I'm doing it and that it would help if she pitched in.<br><br>
Ultimately, I'm the one who wants things in the house a certain way so I take responsibility for making it that way. I try to encourage and engage her cooperation, and speaking very generally she is happy to help me. Sometimes she can't be bothered, and there are seasons where she can't be bothered more than others, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't the same way you think about it. I also find some of the stubborn refusals melt away when you take the battle out of them (and then you're left with fewer, easier choices between non-negotiable and maybe-it's-not-so-bad-afterall.)<br><br>
Someone here once said: try to see picking up toys as a gift you're giving her. It's the gift or an organized, clean space to play and the gift of a role-model in both taking care of things and also being generous and gracious to those we care about.<br><br>
Fundamentally, I don't believe in forcing DD to be the way I want or punishing her for not doing what I want. I would like her to be careful with her things, I would like her to work hard in school, I would like her to value the natural world...I could go on and on but I have to trust that sharing these things with her will, over the long term, guide her in those directions and ultimately the choice for what she values will be hers.

 

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mamamelia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/12308889"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">the duck wasn't with dirty laundry.. it was on the lounge room floor... i don't know where dirty laundry was mentioned? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/headscratch.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="headscratch"> but see, that's the thing... i haven't taught her directly to be gentle with her stuff... and i'm wondering what and how to say it.. that's my problem. i don't want to be imposing or controlling about this...yet at the same time, being lenient is not working out either. i want to find a comfortable medium.<br><br>
[snip -- sorry never figured out multi-quote things]<br><br>
but she IS lazy... she makes excuses all the time... like she is too tired and even told me ponce that she "just can't be bothered"... what about "don't worry mama, you can do it for me or daddy can come clean up the mess" i mean, what do i make of a statement like that? the only thing that comes to mind is lazyness.</div>
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Sorry I misunderstood -- you said the duck was in amongst clothes, shoes and books. I assumed clothes on the floor were laundry -- probably because laundry on the floor is a current issue at our house.<br><br>
I'm still not convinced on lazy. Sounds like she doesn't want to do it, sure. But "lazy" implies a level of intent that I'm not sure a 4 YO is really capable of. I don't know of any 4 YOs who *like* to pick up toys, but I wouldn't say they were lazy. At any rate, I think its important to avoid negative labels with little kids because they live into expectations, so if you label her (even in your mind, not directly to her) as "lazy", I think you are setting yourself up to get lazy. Maybe good at creative excuses though.<br><br>
I completely don't get the whole non-controlling thing, I'm afraid, so I don't know how to help with the balance question. IMHO, small children need boundaries, rules, and expectations. I try to explain them, impose them gently, and think about them before imposing them, but I still have them. My personal rule of thumb is that if I can't explain the reason for a boundary in age-appropriate language, then its not the right boundary. And I try to make sure I'm not making "reflexive" rules -- you know, just because my mother didn't allow us to do X doesn't mean X is really a bad idea -- I think about what the right expectations are. But I'm still the adult and I still need to help my children grow into appropriate adult behavior. So we have rules, boundaries, expectations and consequences in our house. And, dirty laundry on the floor. And wet towels on the bed. So what do I know... Maybe I'm all wrong!

 

[One_Girl]

It sounds like your clean up expectation for this age is a bit off. It may help to institute clean up times, like before a meal or snack or you could have a rule about putting things away before taking anything else out and then closely supervise this. We clean up before meal time and before bedtime, I usually help because I usually play with dd and also because it makes it funner. I haven't had a problem with dd touching things that are breakable or off limits. I have told her why they are off limits often and I remind her of the rule if she forgets, now that she is almost six she hardly ever forgets.<br><br>
Your daughter's excuses don't sound like laziness and it is a little disturbing to hear a four year old called lazy, it kind of sounds like there is some other stress in your life that may be affecting how you feel about your dd. When my dd goes through testing phases and when there is a lot of stress in the house dd gets hard to reason with and acts out a lot and I find myself thinking thoughts like that about her, I am guessing that there may be something else going on to make you feel this way.<br><br>
Young children make creative excuses to get out of doing what they don't want to do and to be able to do what they do want to do. Children this age tend to focus intently on things and then refocus intently on another thing when their interest in the first one wanes and they don't tend to want to have much to do with cleaning up because it wastes play time and in some cases it is incredibly hard because things are so neat and orderly or there is just so much to pick up that it is overwhelming.<br><br>
When dd can't be bothered to pick up her things I offer to do it for her and put them in the garage for a day so they are out of the way, she is usually able to take the time to do it herself. If a toy breaks I sympathize with her and if it is safe I let her keep both halves of it as long as she feels the need to. It may help to get some cheaper stuff that you won't be so upset over having broken. Kids are often rough and hard on their toys and it may be that they are to young to have $50 toys. It is really hard to see an expensive thing get broken during a routine kid activity and to then react as a calm patient mom and if there is a lot of that going on in your house it may be undermining your ability to be the kind of mother you want to be.<br><br>
When/Then can also work, but it is phrased when you do this then we will do this, it is not nice or gentle to tell a kid that they won't be able to eat lunch if they don't clean up. You should also offer an option for where she can put the toys, maybe they could go against the wall if she is still going to want to use them or in a toy bucket if she is done with the game.