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Am I being unreasonable? A little long...

655 Views 10 Replies 10 Participants Last post by  boscopup
I am 6m PG with my first child, which we struggled to conceive. DH and I couldn't be happier. He has been wonderfully supportive throughout all the testing we had to go through and my treatment and the PG thus far. I have a totally new understanding of the man he is...

Now to my problem...I am a teacher and I am off for the summer right now and I go back to work Aug 31st. Everything I have read about the 2nd tri being the one where you have tons of energy is a big fat lie...I'm exhausted...I don't sleep well at night and usually only get a few good hours in btwn summer has been completely unproductive except for the growing a baby thing
I recently got the schedule for the birthing classes, the parenting classes, breastfeeding classes, and the infant CPR class and it was my hope to get as many of them done or started during the remainder of my summer break b/c I'm just going to be too tired to do all these classes once school starts again. Well the only two classes we can do in Aug are the CPR (1 night) and the parenting class (2 nights).

DH and I discussed it yesterday and all was fine. Today he came home and tells me doing the CPR class on Monday really isn't best for him and he would rather do it in Sept/Oct/Nov or after the baby is born. I told him how tired I am all the time and I can only imagine it being worse once I go back to work. Plus Sept is filled with working late nights to get the year started and I have Meet the Teacher Night...November is Parent-Teacher conferences...I'm going too big and uncomfortable...I really want to get it over with now.

So I probe him to see why Monday is no good and after several attempts to deflect, he tells me that he wants to go one of the sweat lodges for the Native American women's festival that is this weekend (he's not NA just a participant in the lodges and events when possible). Normally there is big event over 4th of July and he has attended that for many years...this year he didn't go in July b/c he promised to do something with me the holiday I understand that he wants to be involved (although he went to several other events)

So we ended up arguing over the importance of doing the CPR this Monday...I kept telling him why it was importat for me to get it out of the way and he kept pointing out all the other days to choose from. I left if off with...fine I'll go Monday since that is best for me, the PG one...and you go when it fits in your schedule. He asked if I really wanted to go alone and I said no but taking a 630-930 class in the fall is going to be tiring esp since we two other multi-week classes to attend.

I know this all sounds so petty, but it is really bothering me. I am saddened by the fact that he doesn't understand how stressful the first month or so of school is and how hard it is going to be to get back into the work swing. At the same time I feel guilty that maybe I am be unreasonable. This is our first "baby class" and I want for us to do it together...I feel like shouting, "women's about celebrating my womanhood" but I know that is just childish...

How would you resolve my petty, childish argument?
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Personally, find a friend to go with you on Monday, and he can go and do his thing. There is no point arguing life is too short and I know how tiring it is being that pregnant, I moved house when I was 32 weeks pregnant and that was bad enough, I just didnt want to do anything
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CPR isn't something that really needs both of you. You both should learn it, of course, but you could do it on Monday and he could do it in September.

Oh, I see, it's your first "baby" class. Does it help at all to try to think of the parenting class as your first baby class? Because parenting is really more something you'll be doing together with the baby every day for the rest of your baby's life. CPR is something you need to know, but pray you'll never ever ever have to use it.
I agree. Seriously we beat our brains out trying to prepare for all contingencies and only end up making troubles for ourselve sin our day-to-day lives.

I'll go further than pp's and say that I'd skip the CPR altogether. You're a teacher--presumably at some point you've attended some seminar and/or have some idea of what to do? Brush up on your own. Less taxing than going to a class, and seriously when you're pregnant and not feeling well and facing a trying time at work, I think the cost/benefit analysis says to skip the CPR.

But then I skipped the CPR class, the Breastfeeding class, the baby care class, and the childbirth class. We're muddling through just fine (I did brush up on infant CPR on my own though).
He wants to do the CPR class...none of these classes are something I am pushing on him. We both like the social aspect of the classes. I know he wants to go together is really just a matter on agreeing on a date. I'm frustrated by the fact that he isn't doesn't see my side of things as having any merit...

Again, I know it is silly, but it is still bothersome...
I understand wanting to do it together, but I really agre with the PP who said that you should just go on seperate dates. We were required to take CPR before bringing my daughter home from the NICU. With another child to look after and all of that, my dh and I had no choice but to go on different dates. It wasn't that big a deal, a lot of the people were there without their spouses.

Originally Posted by BlueIrises
He wants to do the CPR class...none of these classes are something I am pushing on him. We both like the social aspect of the classes. I know he wants to go together is really just a matter on agreeing on a date. I'm frustrated by the fact that he isn't doesn't see my side of things as having any merit...

Again, I know it is silly, but it is still bothersome...
In my opinion if your DH wants to go with you, he should go on the dates that work better for you. (It's not like you are asking him to skip work or anything to go.) Otherwise I would just go on my own.
You don't need to go together. You can go this month and he can go in November. DH and I did our classes separately but that is because I had already gone and he had a class through work, not need to go together.

I would probably say "women's about celebrating my womanhood".
But if he's like my DH he would say CPR isnt about that, but the parenting childbirth class is, and honey, I wont miss that, I promise.
I would be bugged about it too though -- I guess just think of it as the first of many compromises you will have to make in your role as parent/partners. Not everything you need to do will be "in synch" every time. The good news is that you were in synch enough to make the baby together, with love, and you are both excited about the baby...and that's more agreement than many couples ever have in their lifetime.
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Hey you! Okay, from a completely UNemotional standpoint, I say either 1. screw the class and take it when the baby is older, like 6 months or so, or 2. go on your own and let him work it out when he can go. However, when do people (especially when people is a pregnant woman) approach things from an unemotional standpoint? I can see your desire to have the CPR out of the way...I was glad when I finally did it after Henry was born. I can also certainly see your point that you want your husband to validate your desire to do this together, and I hear that you are feeling like he is choosing these events over you, and your desires and requests. That is most certainly a valid feeling. Now, the question is, how strongly do you want to make this the hill you want to die on?

I wonder how much of this is your projection into the period of time after the baby is born and anticipating, based on his choices now, how he will "rank" you and the child in his life and place you in a place of import. This would be a perfect opportunity for him to answer that unasked but very real question, but also try to remember that, as the dad who isn't carrying the bebe around, he may not feel the same sense of attachment that you feel to the child right now. I know that my DH is the best dad ever, and was immediately in love with Henry, but it didn't happen until Henry appeared in the world. He was solicitous of my pregnancy, and very kind and loving, but there just wasn't a comparison to how he thought of the pregnancy and how he parents.

If this were my situation with my husband, I would probably sit down and figure out why this is important, translate it into man words for him, and have a short but meaningful and dedicated discussion with him about how this is affecting you. Give him a few points about what you want and why, and like I said, it's important that you translate it into man words, or you're going to lose him with the "validate my feelings" kind of talk we understand so well. Then, I would just leave the decision with him. Perhaps tell him, "I very much want you to choose to come with me, for the reasons I outlined above, but I also will not compel you to do so. Will you let me know what your decision is on Xday?" and then truly let it rest. I've found that works very well with my DH, when he has a few days to let it rest and also feels as if the decision is his own, without emotional pressure from me, it surprises me how often he'll join me in my choice.

If he chooses to go, I would be disappointed, and probably angry, but I also would try to keep it in the bigger picture that perhaps he's just needed a last few moments of freedom and untethered-ness before he's a dad forever and ever.
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I agree with PPs on doing the CPR class by yourself (letting DH do it later by himself), and just do the other classes together.

Although I never took any of those classes (including CPR, despite having a preemie - my NICU didn't require it, but just told me about the class they offered after he went home, which wasn't helpful to me since I had a breastfed baby to take care of once he was home!
. I started to take one Bradley method class, but I gave birth a week and a half later, so had to get a last minute crash course a couple hours before contractions started.

Go to LLL meetings now, and you've got the bf'ing part covered. The hospital childbirth classes are usually just "how to be a good patient". I think you'd get better info by reading the Birth and Beyond forum here, and maybe picking up a book or two on natural childbirth techniques. Also read plenty of birth stories. The parenting class... I just prefer to go by instincts instead of taking a class or reading books. They'll show you the basics in the hospital - how to change a diaper, how to give a bath, etc. But most of it isn't rocket science. Just do some online reading about baby care, and you'll probably have all the info you need.
And this is coming from someone who hadn't dealt with a newborn before having one, and my DH hadn't either. We just figured it out as we went along, and accepted that sometimes we'd make mistakes. That's just part of being a parent!

I was working before baby came, and just getting to that one Bradley class I took was tiring. I can't imagine taking 4 classes before baby is born!
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