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Warning: This could turn in to rambling. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
I have been telling friends and family that we are not going to tell them when we are in the hospital having the baby and that afterwards we are going to lock our doors at home and turn the lights off in the hopes everyone won't come by to play "pass the baby". I'm pretty sure I'm offending a few people who I guess think they "deserve" to see the baby ASAP, espeically my mom and grandma.<br><br>
Am I being selfish? This will be my first and I want time for my husband and I to bond wiht the baby before everyone gets their hands on him/her. I want a peaceful start to motherhood filled with many feedings at the breast and probably lots of naps.<br><br>
Does anyone have a more sensitive way to express their wishes?
 

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I have been thinking about this a lot as well. After my son was born I don't think I slept for four days straight because I was in the hospital and my sleep was constantly interrupted by nurses and people coming to visit.<br><br>
I'm going to do things completely different this time around. I will not tell anyone I'm in labor! It's just going to be me and DH at the delivery, and maybe one of my sisters who is also sworn to silence. I'm having this one at a birthing center and will be coming home within 4-5 hours of delivery. I am really looking forward to being able to recover at home. We will take pictures and e mail out a birth announcement so everyone can see the baby and will invite people to have a short visit the week following the birth in the announcement, by appointment only... to give mommy time to recover and rest.<br><br>
I'm figuring people will get over their hurt feelings when they come to visit and see a happy mommy and a still very tiny newborn. Honestly I don't really care who feels they have the right to what because I most certainly have the right to put myself first in this situation!<br><br>
Heidi in Utah
 

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I don't think that its being selfish or unreasonable. I've put a lot of thought into this as well and have decided that we will not allow any visitors for the first few days.<br>
With my first two babies there were people coming in and out all day/night... i really regret not telling people to leave us alone because I was tired, sore and just wanted to bond with my baby.<br>
I have no reservations about turning people away this time. This will likely be my last baby and I want to actually enjoy it without my meddling MIL.
 

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There is absolutely nothing wrong with a no visitors rule. I decided with my first that I did not want anyone coming for a week-and as it is my babe was in the NICU for 5 days anyway(whole other post/rant) so nobody could see him and I was out of the house all day. When we arrived home we were bombarded with phone calls and I just selectively answered and ignored the rest. After about 4 days at home with babe I said yes to my good friend and FIL visiting. I really enjoyed having a quiet house for those few days and encourage all my friends to think about taking some private time for themselves.<br><br>
I said "Mom, we decided that we'd like to have some private bonding time with baby for the first week after birth and once we are feeling rested we would love to have visitors"<br>
She was totally ok with it. If she hadn't been I would have held my ground. But that's me.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink">
 

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I think its ok. I would, though, be open, privately, to that changing once babe arrices. I set myself up for this and we really kinda struggled that week without having more help. Maybe at least have a doula on call if you don't want the family interference. There are times your DP might need a break from the basic cooking and cleaning.
 

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I think it's absolutely your right to do whatever you want. I honestly wish I had accepted more help in the first few days. My mom was there helping, but I couldn't sit still. I was up trying to cook and clean while DD slept instead of sleeping myself. When my mom left, it was even worse. I wish I had stayed in bed for a week and allowed people to bring DD to me when she was awake and take her to another room when she was sleeping. Then i could've slept.<br><br>
But you know your own mind. So speak it! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Not unreasonable at all.<br><br>
I remember with DD, DH said, "OK, so my mom and sister in law and her kids will come to the hospital on the first day ..." and I said, "oh hell no! They can come IF I say it's ok. I might not want them there." He was annoyed but I stuck firm.<br><br>
Now, once I had the baby, I actually felt fine about it. But it was on my terms. I did not cover up during nursing and said, "I'm going to be nursing, so if you have a problem with that, you should probably leave." (Funny thing to see my teenage nephew freak out. I told him, well, dude, - that's what they're for.)<br><br>
I think it really helped me to know that I WOULD have that private space if I wanted it - and knowing that allowed me to feel good about having them around. It was actually great to have my mom and dad there to clean up, cook meals, etc.<br><br>
But I would stand firm on the idea that it will be YOUR choice whether you have anyone around for a while ....
 

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I certainly didn't want to entertain in the early days but I would have killed for someone to come over and make us some food/clean up/do some laundry or dishes. Unfortunately everyone wanted to hold the baby.<br><br>
If you think any of your friends or family would be actually useful I wouldn't totally discount asking for help.
 

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I said the same thing when I was pregnant with DS. There was some grumbling about it at the time, but any hard feelings were immediately forgotten once they did get to see him. I didn't have any family come to visit me in the hospital, I was happier and more comfortable waiting until we were home. He was born on Thursday morning, we went home Friday morning. And then we had a hurricane, so it was almost another week before anyone could make it to see us (all my family lived in a different state).
 

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It's your baby and your life! That said, I know from experiences within my generation - the grandparents are WORRIED - about you and the baby during delivery. Problems are rare but possible. I personally think it's a bit harsh to tell people you won't be communicating about your status or the baby's status. I think you are setting yourself up for hard feelings in the way you are communicating this. How about - I will call you once baby arrives but I'd like to hold off on visitors for the first few days? This baby is a member of your whole family - and you want to honor relationships beyond that of you and the baby. My own experience (in my family, don't know yours) is that people make short respectful visits. Babies grow so much even in the first week of life and the opportunity to meet a brand newborn don't come up too frequently in life. At least try to keep an open mind!<br>
PS - just re-read your post and my thoughts really only apply to immediate family. Nothing at all wrong about not telling friends for a week or so!
 

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I think that you are right on about wanting to be clear about your needs upfront. I wish I had done this with my ILs the first time around. We went to the hospital at midnight and I knew I was facing an all-nighter. My husband called his parents, told them we were heading in and that he would call them when it was good for them to come. Well, they didn't seem to hear that part because an hour later the nurse told me that my "mom" was here and wanted to come in. I was in the midst of heavy contractions, my actual mom was already there, and my MIL carries a very negative energy with her that I did not need. I couldn't communicate to the nurse that I did not want her in before she appeared in the doorway. Aaak, I lost it and began bawling. Fortunately, that scared her away. She and my FIL stayed in the waiting room, however, until dd was born at 1:30 p.m. the following day. They love to tell everyone the story of how LONG they waited for their granddaughter to arrive <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> Very irritating. So, the second time around with a homebirth, I made very explicit instructions that they were NOT to come to the house until we said it was okay (they live around the corner from us and I could see them just "checking in" every hour). It was so much better knowing that I was in control of any visitors and had my peace. I also told my MW that I didn't want any visitors so that she could help enforce my wishes.<br><br>
Anyway, sorry for the rambling. I think that this is YOUR birth, YOUR baby. Do it how you want and you won't regret it!
 

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Popping in from the May DDC.<br><br>
I think you absolutely have the right to ask your family to give you X amount of days to bond with your baby.<br><br>
That said, I (who am definitely an introvert) loved having all my sisters and both parents around my bed after I gave birth. They all took turns holding DD and for me it felt natural. When I came home from the hospital (3 hours after the birth) DH's family came over (mom, dad, his sister, and her DH and 3 year old). They stayed for about an hour or two and headed on their way, leaving us lots of time for just DH and I to get to know our new baby. Both our families are the kind that really understand boundaries, they came with food for us, and didn't stay too long. I am sure if our families were different we would have a different outlook.<br><br>
In the end I think every family should do what feels right for them, while respecting the fact that this is an exciting time for the extended family as well.
 

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One more thought - we didn't tell anyone when we went to the hospital - except w/#2 because #1 was with my parents. We simply waited to tell people until after the birth. No one batted an eye.<br><br>
Also - I just went off and breastfed #1 in privacy when I had guests. By the time I had #2 breastfeeding was easy enough I was comfortable doing it in front of people. But hopefully wanting to breastfeed and having visitors won't feel mutually exclusive. After all, when you are breastfeeding and baby fusses, you have the perfect excuse to reclaim him or her and disapear!
 

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That is a great idea! Just have lots of premade frozen meals so neither one of you have to cook. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
With DS, I felt great the day of, but was very tired for the next week or so. Relatives kept wanting to come by, and I didn't have the heart to say NO. This time around there will be JUST people who are coming to help (bring food, vacuum, play with DS), JUST people I have already OK'ed, and visiting hours.
 

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I think that not allowing visitors until you are ready is a very basic right of any new mother.<br><br>
However, I think that, unless you have disrespectful family members who won't take no for an answer, you should let your close relatives know when the baby is born. I would be upset if someone close to me waited a long time to let me know they had given birth.<br><br>
So, I would start with telling them that you need your quiet alone with baby time in the beginning and that you will call them to let them know everyone is ok and then again when you are ready for visitors. If they cannot get that or are threatning to show up anyway, then just go ahead and not tell anyone.
 

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I felt the same when DD was born and mostly stuck to it.<br><br>
My birth assistant told us that if anyone stayed for more than 30 minutes and did not bring food or helped to cook/clean they were being rude. I'm pretty sure I told people this, too <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
I was glad when my MIL came a week later. She did all the cooking and cleaning and let me get some rest. With nursing it was nice that I could take the baby to my room with DH and get some privacy with baby if we needed it.
 

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Another consideration: For me, it wasn't having guests that bothered me. It was handing over my baby. So I didn't, at least at first.<br><br>
The right guests help with the workload. The wrong guests create work. You know your circle of family and friends. If it's easier just to say no guests for X ammount of time, do what works.
 

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When we brought our twins home, my parents and DH's parents came over for maybe 30 min at most that evening. It didn't bother me. When DD came home, they had visited in the hospital for a brief time, so they didn't visit us at home for a few weeks.<br><br>
I say, do what you want and what works for you.<br><br>
This time around, it's a surrogacy, but the IM (intended mom) isn't going to tell anyone when the baby is here for 1-3 days. She has family in the area and some that will fly in at a moments notice, and she wants US to have that time with the baby without her family butting in (lol). <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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DDC Crashing,...<br><br>
This is my 4th, and this is the first one I'm adopting a plan like what the OP suggests. In the past I've always felt bad, and worried about hurting feelings. It's great to be considerate, but I always ended up frustrated and upset because I DIDN'T like being bombarded by family. I have 7 siblings, the youngest of which is 10. My husband's 2 aunts live with his parents along with his grandma, which all come as a package deal for any family event. That doesn't even address our friends. That's just too many people to be around a baby immediately.<br><br>
My SIL (my husband's brother's wife) set a wonderful precedent with her youngest last summer, only my husband's parents were invited to the hospital, and it was probably 2 months or more before his aunts and grandma went to their house for a visit.<br><br>
It just really opened my eyes to the fact that the birth of a child, while being an exciting event for a family, doesn't have to be a free-for-all.<br><br>
The only thing I would do differently from what the OP stated, would be to word things a little differently. I'd probably say something like, we'll call you when we're ready to start receiving visitors after the birth. Also making it clear that uninvited guests won't be welcomed into our home.
 

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Have a lotus birth! That's what we did with our second and no one wanted to come. It actually provided us with the perfect time to have space as a family.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br><br>
I think it's completely up to you and I also think you can find gentle ways to tell people. Just share your thoughts honestly with people. You can even have meals brought to you. In our community a close friend is appointed to coordinate meals for a few weeks and it's always emphasized that food should be dropped off quietly at the door unless you have been specifically invited in.<br><br>
You can post a sign on your door, leave a message on your answering machine.<br><br>
"Thank you for all your love and support. We are spending some time getting to know each other and look forward to connecting with you all very soon. Thank you for understanding!"<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 
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