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I'm worried that my experience with having no father and other *hurt* with males has left me maybe slightly too guarded... And I don't know if my views are unreasonable....

Me and my on/off boyfriend have been going up and down for a while, it gets really messy.... But I'm trying to make it work, I mean he is my babys father and after growing up without one I don't want her to have the same fate. The problem is hes well mentally abusive is the best way to say it without going too indepth (I'd be writing forever explaining) and it's getting to the point where I really can't do it anymore... I suffer from severe depression and currently am not on my medication - not until after babies born, I have a lady who comes and sees me every week to make sure I'm doing Ok and all, but anyway due to that I'm maybe not doing as well as I normally would with everything... In some of his rants he goes on about how he doesn't even want her (Meaning baby...) and all and I'm at the point where I almost don't want him to be anywhere near her, and if / when this does end I don't want him to see her or anything. I know part of this is because of the things he says (Like that he doesn't want her - Although when he calms down he says he didn't mean it, but he says it so often, even if he didn't mean it its unacceptable!) and the way he acts, is that enough to justify how I feel, I may just be being over protective because my father didn't want me and left, and I've been hurt a lot by various step dads etc... I don't trust males. I don't want her to be hurt. It hurts me to think that she may grow up with a father round her who constantly said he didn't want her before she was born, I mean I'd NEVER tell her, but still, it's the kind of thing that would hurt her, what if he got mad at her and said something like "I never wanted you", thats not OK. Saying something like that to a child is NEVER OK.

I'm just a little worried I may be over reacting because of the things that have happened to me... I just don't want my baby to be hurt.... So my question is, do you think I'm being blinded too much by my own experiences... Or am I justified in not wanting him anywhere near her...?

(I realise I may have skimped on some details so if theres something you need to ask to get a better idea of my situation please do.... Also I seem to be saying this a lot when I write questions but if I've posted this in the wrong place feel free to move it to a better one.... It gets hard to tell wheres a good place to put stuff...)
 

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I've been there with a boyfriend from hell, emotionally abusive...would always apoligize. We almost had a child together (looonnng story) I'm now glad it didn't happen bc now I don't have to make those decisions. You can't change the facts, he IS your child's father. You may have some hard times ahead, and it may be in your childs destiny to have to deal with the feelings generated by the relationship. I truly hope not. Best to have an absent father than one who will say things like "I never wanted you" That is not the way you want her to see men. Unfortunately you can't do anything about the biology of it. If it were me, I'd do aything to keep him out of her life. HTH, it's only my very humble opinion, and greatly colored by my own experiences.
 

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Is he receptive to the idea of counseling?

I don't know NZ prescribing practices, but in the US (and I believe in the UK) the general consensus is that it's best for a severely depressed pregnant woman to stay on meds, so long as it's a med that's got some history & pregnancy study behind it. I know that I researched this fairly carefully while I was preg, since I was on a low-dose TCA at the time. The research/studies persuaded me that the risk of negative effects w/TCAs was extremely low, and I stayed on my meds. The main effect noted on the child was the risk of withdrawal symptoms at birth, and I would guess my daughter went through some of that, but if the alternative is a severely/dangerously depressed mama through pregnancy, then imo it's probably worth the tradeoff. Fwiw, at 3, my daughter shows no sign of ill effects from the in-utero exposure. Sunny, bright, social, healthy, and well ahead of the curve on academic/physical development.
 

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I don't think you will have much of a choice in whether or not he is in her life. I think that since he is the father he's there. Unfortunately, in many of our cases we have to deal with trying to protect our children from fathers that are not neccessarily good for our children. You can only be supportive to her and let her know, not all men are like this. You can give her enough love to help make up for him.
 

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I can understand you not *wanting* him around her...i don't want my stbx around my boys! he's a terrible role model. but he is their father and they deserve to have a relationship with their father. so as long as he's willing to come and visit them then I am willing to let him see them. looks like you may have to suck it up.
 

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hey there,
we're in a somewhat similar boat there fellow sept ddc mama


difference being we werent in a long term on and off relationship and now hes back in alabama - i think - havent heard from him since beginning of april.

similiarities in as much that he was very emotionally unstable, which makes me uncomfortable to have him around my/our son. ie. he didnt think he could function on ANY LEVEL whatsoever without his add meds he couldnt afford - i have strong opinions about that, mind you, they're opinions - also had alcohol issues and his anger and frustration really came out when he was drinking. so i got the brunt of his insecurities thrown at me and the 'why dont you just get rid of the baby', also didnt believe the baby was his -- absolutely no question about who's the father by the way -- when he had been drinking.otherwise looong story on all his unstable details.

now mind you, he IS the father, which i believe its somehow part of the universal scheme of things for my son's life and my own even if i cant figure out why, so a large part of me doesnt feel like i have the right to say that he can't play any role whatsoever in our son's life. but, i ended the relationship end of it all as soon as i began to realize the depth of his emotional instability and immaturness for my own health which while preg. affects my son's health. in the past, i have dealt with depression issues, even been on meds for them, they did help some, but more of a get your foot out the door then i did the rest myself with the help of counseling -- i do realize that everyone's level of depression is different and may need different levels of "treatment" -- but what played a big role in helping myself feel better is not allowing negative people and their issues to be up close and personal, making sure that proper boundaries are there. if other people cant handle the boundaries i need for my health, then it becomes their issue to deal with. i did make an attempt to be just on friendly terms with him (so ds could know his dad) which became painfully obvious in a short amount of time to be a one-sided attempt. so, he's no longer around. i have fears that when he gets paperwork for cs that he'll change his mind about his involvement - or lack thereof - with ds life and am scared to have to deal with it. but really i know in my heart that its best to have as much emotional stability for ds as possible and that for now i've made a good choice in standing my ground in not being willing to put up with emotional abuse.
you seem like a beautifull woman, and imo you should for sure do what you need to do to be as healthy as you can for yourself as it will also very much affect your dd ... obviously sounds like you'll be the main person in her life, therefore affect her the most. dont put up with any crap! dont look for fights, just stand your ground
show your dd what a strong mama she has and she'll learn from it. if he wants to be a part of her life just try to be a buffer by being as good a role model as you know how which starts by learning to love yourself!!! -- mind you, i'm telling myself these same things


i could go on and on, should name myself long-winded mama ... lost my train of thought at parts, so hopefully you could make some sense of it all. do know that it cant go too poorly for you and dd cuz of all the love you have for her
 

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Quote:

Originally Posted by RainbowsMum
I mean I'd NEVER tell her, but still, it's the kind of thing that would hurt her, what if he got mad at her and said something like "I never wanted you", thats not OK. Saying something like that to a child is NEVER OK.
I heard this at age 26 from my father that stayed with my mother and raised me. As much as it hurt, I can't say I wish that he would have just left and been out of my life from the beginning. I think that though he didn't want me, he still loves me and wouldn't take back staying and raising me and being my dad. (Though I guess I'm not sure.)

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Just that maybe even though he doesn't want the baby now, his feelings might change. I think my dad's feelings changed, but I know (for sure since he told me) that he blames me being born for a lot of the problems he now has in life and child or adult it hurts a lot.

I'm sorry I dont' have more to offer you.

Sarah
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
qjraven8!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by qjraven8
also didnt believe the baby was his -- absolutely no question about who's the father by the way
I don't know if I mentioned in my initial explanation but he also does not beleive she is his - And just like you, there is no question who the father is...! He has said once that he doesn't know why I didn't just get an abortion. But he knows why - sensitive subject. And I don't think he actually meant to say that, when he gets mad he tries to say the things that will hurt me the most - sick I know.

I'm not sure how he would be with the idea of councelling... I'm still trying to get him to go to the doctor about his head. After we first started going out he got hit on the head quite badly with his surf board and suffered some kind of fluid build up in it, which had to be drained with a massive needle *cringe* that was meant to be the end of it but he still kept getting headaches, moodswings etc, and one night about 3 months ago now I went to see him and his mood swung from calm and relaxed (Which is how he is most of the time) to raging mad (Which even for him is odd, he's not normally raging mad... Just angry at times) and back about 3 times lasting about 10 mins each mood, so after an hour of uping and downing he accidentally bumped his head on the wall and started going literally nuts cos he was in so much pain so I sent him to A&E, he came back the next day and apparantly the veins in the back of his head were about to burst, and he had to go back that day for follow ups etc cos it turns out he had damage from his original head injury... Hence the mood swings, irrationalness the headaches etc... BUT he never went back, unfortunatly he doens't seem to think theres a problem... And unfortunatly I wasn't with him long enough before he hit his head to work out if all his irrational behaviour stems from the head injury or if it just magnified it more... Either way, he still hasn't gone and he needs to go!

I go to a psychiatrist once a month so maybe I'll ask him if councelling would be a good idea. I stopped taking my meds when I found out I was pregnant because the one I was on is meant to be quite harmful to babies. For me it wasn't worth the risk. I go back on another kind (Undecided what one) about 2 weeks before I'm due to have baby. And yeah I have the lady who comes round to see me every week to make sure I'm doing OK, cos I'm not on my meds.

He came home and acted all nicey nice last night... I'm just waiting for it to go the other way again.....
:
:

Thanks all for your replies.... It's really helpful
 

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RM, you may also want to look for info/forums on brain injury. While I was caregiving to stbx, I used to visit a site called wellspouse.org, and there are quite a few women there taking care of & dealing with spouses w/head injuries. I'll warn you that it's not an encouraging view, really, but if there's BI involved, this may give you some insight into what's likely to come. Abrupt mood changes, anger, abuse, etc. are very much part of the picture in those women's lives (and their kids'). And there tends to be a profound lack of insight into the problem with BI, apparently.

Not saying, btw, that that's what's going on...just that what you describe reminds me of those women's stories. If there is indeed a BI, that's something you'll want documented/noted asap for use in making custody/visit arrangements. You may (may) want to talk with your home visitor about it. If you were in the states, I'd say talk to a lawyer before risking talk with the visitor.
 
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