Mothering Forum banner
1 - 19 of 19 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,962 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Background, I'm a SAHM and I'm 8 months pregnant. Due in 1 month (today actually). I'm having LOTS of back pain and swelling with this pregnancy so I've been advised to stay off my feet as much as possible. I also have a 2.5 year old that I have to take care of.

DH is Type 1 diabetic (not sure if thats relevant, he claims it is), he works at a factory as a fork truck driver. He is currently working 10-12 hour days.

Okay, I want him to help me out around the house. Nothing completely major. I do the majority of the pick up/upkeep of the house. What I ask him to help me out with is the stuff I am unable to do now that I'm pregnant. This includes laundry and dishes. (although I do, do the laundry quite often). The dishes because we don't have a dishwasher and it is painful for me to get up to the sink being as huge as I am. The laundry because we live in an apartment. We are on the 2nd floor, the washer and dryer is on the 1st floor so I would have to carry laundry baskets up and down the stairs.

He really complains when I ask him to help because 'he needs time to relax' he needs time to rest after work. He needs sleep.

He complains the whole time and ends up getting snippy if I ask him to help me out with any of my 'nesting' activities (cleaning the 2nd bedroom, cleaning our bedroom, doing up all the laundry, washing the bathtub, washing baby laundry). Again, much of it I am physically unable to do on my own (heavy lifting, etc).

I do the vast majority of the housework. I do the pick up, I sweep, mop, vacuum, keep the bathroom clean. And I do the vast majority of the care for our 2.5 year old. DH helps out when he is home to an extent but for the most part it's up to me.

DH is at work/commuting from 4:30am until 5:00pm (work goes from 5am until usually 4:30pm). He comes home and 'relaxes' on the computer or plays video games for about an hour. He'll eat supper, sometimes. Then he goes and spends an HOUR (not exaggerating) on the toilet and then takes a shower. By now it is 7:00 or 8:00. He then 'relaxes' on the couch or the computer until shortly after 9:00 when he goes to bed. If I ask him to do the dishes or start a load of laundry or help me pick anything up he gets angry and says how he needs to relax and I never give him time to relax and all he is is a paycheck and a slave (his words).

I admit that I'm NOT a housekeeper, the house is rarely spotless, there are toys, clothes, sippy cups, dishes, etc scattered around. I usually go through in the afternoon when he is home to corral James and do a quick pick up. But sometimes it gets left and I do it when I can.

So my question in all this rambling is: Am I completely wrong in expecting DH to help me out around the house? Should I give him a break since he works so much?

How do I get him to realize that I honestly need help and I cannot do all of it by myself??
:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
42,824 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesMama View Post
So my question in all this rambling is: Am I completely wrong in expecting DH to help me out around the house? Should I give him a break since he works so much?
Ummmm..... he is behaving like a big, stinky, poo-poo head.
:

As to how to help him extract his head from his nethers.... a long talk? a letter? crying? screaming?

good luck!



-Angela
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,647 Posts
Oh yeah mama...he needs to pitch in and now! You also work all day long; you take care of your 2.5 year old and when do you have any "relaxing" time?

Do you two ever get any time alone together?

It sounds like a lot of work to me, for both of you.

s, I hope you can work it out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,094 Posts
Hmmm, it seems to me that this *could* be a situation where nobody's wrong and everyone's right.

My dh has diabetes, and when it was untreated it did make him very tired and lethargic. And he was only working a cushy government desk job!

OTOH, you have a valid need for help.

Is your dh usually more responsive to your needs, and just digging in his heels on this issue? Or is he generally wedded to the idea that "men bring home the paycheck and women do all the rest"?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,320 Posts
I don't think he's wrong. Working 10-12 hours days is DRAINING, but he needs to recognize the special situation: you're 8 months pregnant. I think you both need to cut each other slack.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
247 Posts
My dh is a type 1 diabetic too, and he works long hours too. That said I do all of the child rearing, house cleaning etc. I wish he would help more and I'm not 8 month preggers. When I was last year I still worked 40 hours a week and did all of the above.

Sorry mama it's tough isn't it? I think he should help more all that unwinding is a bit selfish and should be extend to you, You work all day and some and you need some alone time as well. I think that sound pretty unfair and I hope he pulls his head outta .....
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,270 Posts
I think you are both right. I would acknowledge that he works insane hours and def needs to rest when he gets home but that you have to agree on certain jobs that he will simply do because you can't. Period.

I'd also suggest that he see a GI doctor. One hour to use the toilet is NOT normal at all. I'm over and done with in a minute or two.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,290 Posts
I think you are both right here. I can't imagine being in your shoes and being responsible for the entire household, but also can't imagine what it would be like to work and commute nearly 12 hours and then come home to housework.

I think you should see about hiring a mother's helper to come and do some of the laundry and cleaning for you while you are home. If you had someone to help out for just an hour or two every day, or every other day, it would go a long way toward giving you and your husband some much needed relaxation time.
Could you scrape some funds and spare an extra $200 a month for the next couple of months to hire someone to help you out?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,997 Posts
I agree with the pp's who have said that your DH does have a *really* long day at work, but I remember what it's like being VERY pregnant and it's no picnic, either! I had a 6yo & can't imagine chasing after a 2.5 yo all day
:

Can you consolidate laundry into a couple days? Can you go down to the washer together, with him carrying the basket? IME, it's very different telling someone to "go do the laundry" vs. phrasing it like "hey honey, can you carry the basket down so we can do laundry?", same with the dishes.... "hey honey, can you wash while I dry?" is way different than "can you do the dishes?"
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
10,553 Posts
Laundry on weekends with both of you doing it and paper plates until the baby is born and you're healed up. Not natural or good for the landfills and stuff, but really, it would be worth it so neither of you have to worry about that stuff for now.

For the mess, have one box of favorite toys for now and some books and only pick up that. If the kiddo is getting into things, put those things up for now so you don't have to pick up after him.

I don't think it's fair for either of you to try and keep up the status quo. Cut back on expectations a bit and you can both relax.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,298 Posts
My DH works 15-16 hour days, and still manages to help around the house and with the kids when he gets home. And he knows when I'm 8-9 months pregnant, I don't do housework, period. It's on him, because I can barely move.

Maybe it's just me, but 10-12 hour days is an average day, not a long one. But maybe that's because I'm from farming stock, and the day begins at 4 am and doesn't end until dark again. In any case, you're not asking him to scrub the whole house, top to bottom. Dishes and laundry are the two main concerns, with a little extra help on weekends. That I'm pretty sure he can manage.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,282 Posts
It might be a bit annoying to come home to housework after working 12 hrs, but this is not a normal, everyday case. Dishes do not take THAT long and neither does putting a load of laundry in, then switching machines.

He is being very selfish.

I definitely have issues with my DH, but when I was THAT pg, he had to do most of the work around the house, or we would have been living in filth. Part of marriage means that even if you are tired, that sometimes you have to do what you have to do. You should not have to hire in help. His arms are not broken and this is not a permanent situation, nor are you asking him to scrub the floors and do the laundry in a creek with a washboard.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,962 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Quote:

Originally Posted by co-op mama View Post
My dh is a type 1 diabetic too, and he works long hours too. That said I do all of the child rearing, house cleaning etc. I wish he would help more and I'm not 8 month preggers. When I was last year I still worked 40 hours a week and did all of the above.
DH says the diabetes is his reason for needing more unwinding time...he's been diabetic since he was 13 months old.

Quote:

Originally Posted by tinuviel_k View Post
I think you are both right here. I can't imagine being in your shoes and being responsible for the entire household, but also can't imagine what it would be like to work and commute nearly 12 hours and then come home to housework.
I really try not to make it an every day thing. Dishes are 2 or 3 times a week cuz we use paper plates and I even bought disposable bowls and a couple packages of disposable silverware to cut down on the amount of dishes. But we still have pots and pans, some silverware, sippy cups, etc...

Quote:

Originally Posted by woobysma View Post
Can you consolidate laundry into a couple days? Can you go down to the washer together, with him carrying the basket? IME, it's very different telling someone to "go do the laundry" vs. phrasing it like "hey honey, can you carry the basket down so we can do laundry?", same with the dishes.... "hey honey, can you wash while I dry?" is way different than "can you do the dishes?"
I've tried that...asking him to just carry it down and I'll start it/switch it/whatever. But if we have 2 loads going one has to come up so he has to stick around anyway and plus then we have to go down the stairs at a snails pace because we have to bring James. Our apt complex isn't exactly "safe" so neither one of us feels comfortable leaving James upstairs alone even if we're just running down to the washer.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PikkuMyy View Post
I'd also suggest that he see a GI doctor. One hour to use the toilet is NOT normal at all. I'm over and done with in a minute or two.
I've begged and pleaded and made the appt myself. He refuses. He says it's part of his diabetes and I just have to learn to deal with it. It's been like this since we got married 5 years ago. He said it's been like this for life. I'm also a "It takes longer to wash my hands than do my business" type of girl.

Thanks for the speedy replies mamas. I think DH and I are going to sit down and have a talk. I wish he were able to come to my m/w visits with me so that he could hear from her that I NEED to take care of myself for a while since I'm at the end of this pregnancy. I just truly feel like I'm not asking THAT much of him...

Weekends are a bust because 1) He's usually on call for the fire department (yeah he has PLENTY of energy for that but not dishes...whatev) and 2) He has class for the FD on Sunday's from 9a-5p. And since he started that class he cannot quit the fire department unless we want to owe the city $1200 for the class/books.
:

It seems like everyone else gets him 100%. Gets his help and his attention and his energy and I get him grumpy and mean and angry at ME because apparently I do nothing all day since I'm JUST a SAHM and I should be able to get the dishes and the laundry and the housework and care for James done. And normally this would not be an issue...but at 8 months pregnant I need some help.

I don't think we can afford a mothers helper/housekeeper. Gosh I wish we could. I might call around and see what that costs...it might be worth it.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
11,594 Posts
my husband, not a fork lift operator, works all day, has a second 'job' that he does in the evenings, and does dishes and laundry anyway. as well as cooking.

and i'm not pregnant and we dont' have kids. and i work, but it's kind of "part time."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
361 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by JamesMama View Post
Weekends are a bust because 1) He's usually on call for the fire department (yeah he has PLENTY of energy for that but not dishes...whatev) and 2) He has class for the FD on Sunday's from 9a-5p. And since he started that class he cannot quit the fire department unless we want to owe the city $1200 for the class/books.
:

It seems like everyone else gets him 100%. Gets his help and his attention and his energy and I get him grumpy and mean and angry at ME because apparently I do nothing all day since I'm JUST a SAHM and I should be able to get the dishes and the laundry and the housework and care for James done. And normally this would not be an issue...but at 8 months pregnant I need some help.
OMG! I was sort of giving your dh the benefit of the doubt until I read this. That is totally unacceptable, in my opinion. He is too tired to help around the house, but can spend an ENTIRE day on the weekend at the fire dept.? Unacceptable. You are COMPLETELY in the right here. Unfortunately, I don't know how you can convince him of that.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,022 Posts
Honestly? It sounds like you are BOTH tired. I'm not saying his comments are right -- they're not. However, it doesn't sound like you're going to get any work out of him any time soon. Do either of you have mothers (or fathers, for that matter) who can come by and help? Or sibs, friends, etc?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15,097 Posts
What worked for us was allowing dh to get 30 minutes of down time after hellos when he gets home. After a little quiet time he is much more ready to help with things I want to get done.

You could tell your dh that if he can't/won't help you can hire a professional to do it for you instead.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
619 Posts
He is definitely NOT being cool, nice, mature, etc...
My DH is like that too, and it sucks.
I don't have any advice for you, but wanted to let you know I'm on your side!
He should do at least the laundry and dishes. That's not much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,334 Posts
It sounds like he has a lot going on, but he needs to help. You won't be pregnant for that much longer, so he needs to step up for this temporary period of you not being able to do as much. Maybe a heart to heart explaining here are all the chores you are still doing and here are the couple things you really need him to do until you are done with pregnancy and recovered from the birth because you have been advised not to do these things. And really, if he broke his leg for example, you would pick up slack for him if he couldn't do things, right? It is the same sort of thing. Get a strongly worded note/letter from your MW if needed.

I totally get that people need unwind and relaxation time because I very much need mine, but I think he needs to be a bit more realistic that for the next month and a half or so he needs to cut back on it and help you. And you could also suggest hiring someone if he really needs that time, but only if you can afford it. And I also would agree to let thing that aren't necessary to slide. If the tub isn't cleaned every week, oh well, put off any of the not needed nesting things you can't do yourself. I know you want to do them, but I think you both need to give yourselves permission to let some things go.
 
1 - 19 of 19 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top