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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello everyone! I'm pregnant with my first child, and am planning a home water birth to be attended by a midwife. From the start I never actually liked the idea of having the midwife around for the birth, but it was already a big enough shock to my family and husband even that I didn't want to have the birth in a hospital to begin with. I know its my first baby, but I just feel confident in my body and I also feel like the birth process is something personal and even sexual, and to be honest, I just want it to be something between my husband and I. I find myself hoping everyday that my phone will somehow break and I will be left with "no choice" but to birth the baby without the midwife. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I think that if I were to say this to anyone I knew, they would call me crazy, this forum is the only place I know that is supportive of uncontrolled births in the least as far as I can tell. So far, I'm most likely going to have the midwife present, and grit my teeth and bear it, so I can see how things go, and for my NEXT birth, have it uncontrolled if I still feel that way. But whether or not I do decide to let the midwife know when Im in labor, my main question for you is this:<br>
Would it be a bad idea to tell my mom I don't want her around for the birth?<br><br>
She is TELLING me that she is coming for the birth, because I will need my rest and someone to take care of things. Everyone is telling me that I will be totally exhausted and gives me the idea that I wont be able to lift a finger on my own, and that having as many people as possible around for the birth is ideal for extra hands. I feel like Im the only person on Earth that just wants to be left alone for her labor and afterwards to bond with her baby.<br><br>
So would I be crazy to refuse my moms help? and also, is that just mean and rude to deprive my mom of being there for the birth when she wants to be?<br><br>
I feel like a bad person if I tell her no. and who am I to have an opinion, shes the one that has had children already, I never have.<br><br>
My husband will have time off, I dont see why he cant just take care of the food or dishes or whatever. How much could there possibly be to "Get done" anyway? So please, give me your input experienced moms. I really have no idea what its going to be like. Thank you so much! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"><br><br><br>
Also, to answer your question, my husband wants to have the midwife around since we are paying hundreds of dollars for her and says he doesnt support me having an uncontrolled birth, at least this time, that he just wouldn't be comfortable with it. Which does make me sad.<br><br>
So how many of you really did want help after your baby was born? Did you appreciate having people around or do you wish they had left you alone for a while? Was it really that hard to take care of things afterwards?
 

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Welcome! Congratulations! Your post sounds so familiar.<br><br>
I really struggled with the idea of people coming to my birth. At first I thought it wouldn't bother me, I would just invite everybody who wanted to be there, what's the big deal? But as he time came closer I got more weary. At my home visit it was really eye opening to see the energy between everyone. I could just IMAGINE and really feel what it would be like to labor and birth in front of and around ALL THESE PEOPLE! And it scared the heck out of me. I was agitated, uncomfortable, and dreading...my moment.<br><br>
I really feel that the only reason why I even had a successfull HB was the fact that hardly any of them made it to my birth. I called SIL, I sent away 2 sisters, and I called the mw's to give a heads up call. everyone else was busy or sent away. I was really worried about telling my mom that i really didnt want her there, and also MIL. My mom ended up staying with my brother in the hosp and MIL brought dd to my 2 sisters that we had sent away.<br><br>
I think you really have to go with your guts when it comes to this kind of stuff. If you dont feel comfortable with your mom or the mws or anyone for that matter, even your dp, you owe it to yourself to find a way for them not to disturb you. If that takes not being present, so be it. Educate and inform yourself so that the role they typically would fill is taken care of. Be aware of the risks, just as you would with a hospital birth. BUt first and foremost, Trust yourself, and Trust birth. You CAN do this. You were designed to. You were specifically engineered for this! This is a rite of passage for you as a woman!
 

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Your mom sounds pretty pushy about that! I would tell her what I told mine "I love you, but I don't want you to be there. I don't think I would be able to relax and do what I need to with you around. But thank you for wanting to support me." I'd be very firm and not wishy washy about it let her know you are the one giving birth, and your comfort is paramount. If she really wants to help with stuff around the house there is no reason she can't do that after the birth. But I don't think you are crazy at all <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> And it seems odd that they expect you to be exhausted and not present really, DD's labor was 44 hrs but I listened to my body when I needed to rest eat and drink. By the end I felt amazing and had no problem getting back to normal activities. I think you will have a wonderful birth!
 

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I had my mom there for my UC last time, but she was only there to take care of my other child. She took her downstairs and stayed away, so it was just me & DH. Since you don't have another child, you don't need that! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> It's hard, but you must find a way to tell her that you will only need her afterward (if you do want that- depends on what your mom is like!)<br><br>
I agree with the pp, I felt *amazing* after my UC. I was on top of the world. I'll tell you when I got exhausted: when DH's family came to visit a little less than 2 weeks later.<br><br>
I thought they would come and cook, do laundry, wipe my counters, etc. But <i>I</i> ended up taking care of <i>them!</i> I cooked for everybody, they wanted to go sightseeing so I stupidly went with them and walked around downtown for hours... it sucked. I'd only have someone come afterward that you know for sure will handle housework so you can snuggle your new baby.<br><br>
What does your DH think about UC? Have you mentioned feeling that you want it to be just the two of you?
 

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Not crazy, sane. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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If that makes you crazy, then know you are surrounded by millions of other "crazies"!!! Surround yourself my however many or few people you need to, in order to give birth in an empowered environment. And do not worry about hurting peoples feelings. They are not giving birth, you are!
 

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I didn't feel I really needed help during the birth. We birthed at a birth center after being there for 10 minutes and I caught my daughter while the midwife was busy getting her equipment ready.<br><br>
But, I wish I had more help afterward--after a few days, for the next few weeks. Not to take care of the baby. My husband was home for a few weeks too, but sometimes a guy might not think of what you might need and be exhausted himself. If you do have help after, try to make it clear what you are asking: not baby care--house care, cooking, someone to bring you something to drink and eat when you are nursing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, give you a pedicure, massage, whatever. That's not what people usually expect to do when they visit. My mom kept wanting to take the baby from me to help, which made me just want her to leave.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>eko_mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13278349"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I didn't feel I really needed help during the birth. We birthed at a birth center after being there for 10 minutes and I caught my daughter while the midwife was busy getting her equipment ready.<br><br>
But, I wish I had more help afterward--after a few days, for the next few weeks. Not to take care of the baby. My husband was home for a few weeks too, but sometimes a guy might not think of what you might need and be exhausted himself. If you do have help after, try to make it clear what you are asking: not baby care--house care, cooking, someone to bring you something to drink and eat when you are nursing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, give you a pedicure, massage, whatever. That's not what people usually expect to do when they visit. My mom kept wanting to take the baby from me to help, which made me just want her to leave.</div>
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Yes to all of this. My daughter was born at a birth center, and we didn't tell any family we were in labor so it was just us. It was lots of fun to make the "surprise" call to everyone the next morning!<br><br>
And definitely, give yourself as much time alone as YOU and YOUR HUSBAND want once the baby arrives. This is about the only time you can be completely selfish and be upfront about it - seriously, what do they expect??? You just had a baby!! Maybe it was the protector instinct coming out in us, but both my husband and I (who are not good with confrontation) found it very easy to say NO in the days after our daughter was born.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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I would say that, with a first baby, there isn't much for anyone besides your DP to do except maybe laundry or bringing dinner or something. I really appreciated my mom's help babysitting after our second was born, because our 2-year-old son was not used to all the naps and quiet time I was having with the new baby and my mom took him away for a few hours every day. My DH took care of most of the house stuff after both births. I would say, let your mom help with the practical stuff... but its YOUR birth and you choose who is there and who isn't. Find a loving way to do it, and I'm sure she'll understand.<br><br>
And if you try to put yourself in her shoes, perhaps you can understand that she may want to mother you through this incredible right of passage! Imagine your daughter becoming a mother... wow!
 

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I would thank your mom for caring so very much about you. and then her know you will call her the moment you need her. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br><br>
and then don't call til you feel you need her (even if that's after the birth). you can always play up the "it happened so fast!" thing... or the "we didn't realize it was really labour yet" kinda thing... if you know what I mean. just get creative. and don't be too quick to hurt her feelings if possible. sure she may be being pushy - but chances are she just cares about you and wants to share this with you. it's unlikely she means to overwhelm you (even though she clearly is). it seems there are ways of avoiding having her there without directly hurting her.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Thank you everyone for your kind replies! I did decide to tell my mom gently that I wanted her to be around after the birth and not during, and she understood which is great. But now what Im wondering is how soon did you all want other people around to help? Unfortunately I happen to live a few states away from my family so they cant simply just pop by after the birth, so not only is it a bit more difficult to plan, but when they are here, they are here full time until they leave, if you know what I mean. So Im wondering how soon I should tell my parents to visit, or rather, how not soon. Did you want time alone after the baby was born or did you have people around right away? Is there really a NEED for my parent's help right away? What are your experiences?
 

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Your post sounds like me. I did find afterwards that I couldn't lift even a finger. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/biggrinbounce.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bgbounce"> In fact, once she was out of me, I was holding her and couldn't even lift her to my breast to latch her on. I couldn't sit down or turn or anything (I was kind of crosslegged/squatting). DH had to hold her while my mom helped me lie down so I could side-nurse.<br><br>
You know, baby, DH and I did end up snuggling in bed in our own little peaceful world. My mom stopped by with some supplies (witch hazel, pads, food) said some nice words (who knows what lol I can't remember anything from that time) looked at the baby and left.
 

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I don't think you're crazy. Unless we both are. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
We're trying for our first, and we want a UC. I even have fantasies of birthing alone - without my partner! Not that I deliberately want to exclude him, but I figure it's OK to fantasize. Plus, I go between the fantasies - to being alone and to having my partner there.<br><br>
A UC has always seemed right for me, and we're going to go for it. We've done a lot of research and preparation ... and now we're just waiting to get pregnant.<br><br>
So, no, I don't think you're crazy at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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who is to say. I mean I think I would play it by ear. you can always wait on her... but it's terrible to have someone there too soon and wish they weren't you know what I mean?<br><br>
I would wait a bit after the birth and see how things were going and then decide.
 

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<div style="font-style:italic;">She is TELLING me that she is coming for the birth, because I will need my rest and someone to take care of things. Everyone is telling me that I will be totally exhausted and gives me the idea that I wont be able to lift a finger on my own, and that having as many people as possible around for the birth is ideal for extra hands.</div>
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I think there are two reasons people say this: First, their own births and recoveries really were difficult, and they can't imagine it being any different. My mom (after her cesarean) was very ill and bed-ridden for the first two weeks. After my traumatic first birth I was deeply depressed and physically injured. My most unhindered birth was a world away from that. I did rest and sleep a lot, but I felt physically well and at peace, and didn't find caring for my newborn difficult. My husband did take care of the general household stuff and care of the other children for several days, and friends and family brought us meals and took the other children on outings. We did a sort of babymoon -- for the first few weeks visitors were restricted to a few minutes in our house, basically just dropping things off and waving hello, and our first 48 hours or so was just us.<br><br>
After my first birth my mom did come to stay with us -- that's just what moms are supposed to do, right? She left after two days, with both of us in tears (not angry, but just feeling bad.) I love my mom, she is really loving and well-meaning, but she is not part of my everyday life and so had no clue how to fit into it in a really unintrusive sensitive way. It wasn't her fault, it just was not what I needed and so was a burden.<br><br>
The second reason that people say this is that they want some of that great birth energy for themselves. It's an amazing thing to witness, to be around. I don't think it's my responsibility to provide it for someone else, though, especially if it's to my detriment.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I feel like Im the only person on Earth that just wants to be left alone for her labor and afterwards to bond with her baby.</td>
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No, not the only person. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> I talk to a *lot* of women who would never have a UC, but still are very unhappy about not having had peace and privacy in the immediate postpartum, and they don't even know exactly what they were missing, just that what they got didn't feel good. For me, there was a huge difference -- it was the most important thing about my UC.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">and also, is that just mean and rude to deprive my mom of being there for the birth when she wants to be?</td>
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Turn it around: is it mean and rude of her to deprive you of what you want and need <i>for your own birth?</i><br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">and who am I to have an opinion, shes the one that has had children already, I never have.</td>
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But what's true for her may not turn out to true for you, so you have to filter the information she's giving you through your own intuition. If it doesn't resonate with you in your heart, you then need to find your way without explicit outside guidance. We can learn from people, but we also have a great amount of inner knowing. You don't have to be taught everything -- some things really do just come naturally, if you let them.<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Also, to answer your question, my husband wants to have the midwife around since we are paying hundreds of dollars for her and says he doesnt support me having an uncontrolled birth, at least this time, that he just wouldn't be comfortable with it.</td>
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Does he literally mean he feels birth should be controlled? If that's his thought, then even if you have a midwife he may not be happy, because good midwives do not try to control the process. Perhaps it would help if he did some reading about the fact that birth is an autonomic process of the body.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I think I am just going to tell my parents I dont know how soon after the birth I will want them to visit, that I will just have to play it by ear and see how I feel after the birth. My mom may not like that response, but I dont want to get stressed out knowing they are coming a certain date and worried if that will be okay with me when the time comes. I am getting the feeling now that most people do just want some time to themselves, and since my parents in particular can't just keep visits short since they are coming hours away from home to visit, that it would be a good idea to have them wait a few days at least. My parents do tend to stress me out even without a newborn around, so I think that will be best.<br><br>
And to answer the question of my husband knowing about the birth being uncontrolled even with a midwife, I think he realizes that, but at the same time I think he would just be more comfortable with the midwife there as his idea of a safety net "in case anything goes wrong". He says he wouldnt support my decision to birth without one, but then again, he's really uneducated . I myself am not very educated about uncontrolled births specifically, I've already had so much to learn since I became pregnant. If I really wanted to, I could probably convince him with enough research. I just dont see that happening this time around. If you have any websites or anything on the issue, I wouldnt mind taking a look at them though.<br><br>
I think we will settle for some sort of middle ground, not having the midwife and her apprentice around the whole time, but maybe checking in. I think she is willing to be absent as much as we want her to be, which is good. At least, I'm hoping she will be. Its something I will have to bring up in more detail I suppose.
 

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I could never give birth comfortably with my mom around. I was happy to have her come help after the birth.
 

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I would not be able to birth with my mom around either. She was telling me she'd be there too, but I was not afraid to be straight with her - that she would absolutely not be present. Make sure your dh is on board with UC and then just tell people that you'll call when/if you need them. You can keep going to the midwife and then "forget" to call if everything goes well, as long as dh is on board and won't call 911 at the last minute. Don't call anyone when you start labor, or they might just "show up." Only call them when/if you need their help.<br><br>
Afterwards, yes, you will probably be exhausted. You will probably want to sleep alot and will probably be sore and need a lot of help - from your dh. If your dh doesn't step up or isn't able to stay home with you for a few days, then call someone when/if you feel you need them. If people just start showing up unannounced, have a note on the door that they can call for an "appointment" and then don't open the door or have your dh police the door/shoo visitors after 20-30 minutes.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>eko_mom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/13278349"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">If you do have help after, try to make it clear what you are asking: not baby care--house care, cooking, someone to bring you something to drink and eat when you are nursing, doing laundry, grocery shopping, dishes, give you a pedicure, massage, whatever. That's not what people usually expect to do when they visit. My mom kept wanting to take the baby from me to help, which made me just want her to leave.</div>
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This SERIOUSLY cracked me up tonight. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/ROTFLMAO.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="rotflmao"><br>
That would SO be me & my mom. But, as my DH says, "Just move out of the country. That'll fix that." (And we just did!) I hoped for UC when we were there and still think it's possible here. I think it's incredible to dream about it being just the three of us at the birth! (DH + me + baby=3) There are just a lot of people with whom I don't talk about it...Educate yourself, and you can probably do it!<br><br>
In response to laughing about my mom, DH just asked me, "So, how many hours a day do you plan to hold our baby?" I replied, "Oh, about 20..." He chuckled a little and said, "Seriously?" Yep. I can't get enough of holding babies. And between nursing & babywearing, I think it'll be A LOT of hours/day!<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy">: I think I'll be rather selfish when it's MY baby--especially right away, I don't think I'll be sharing much!<br><br><br>
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Wife (29) of 5 1/2 yrs. to my best friend, my Prince (36) <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/partners.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="couple"> ; gave up two kitties last year <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/cat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cat">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/cat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="cat">: to move to Central America <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hola.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hola">:, I actually love to <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hang.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hang"> and I'm hoping to FINALLY start TTC in April! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/chart1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Chart2"> Hoping for <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/uc.jpg" style="border:0px solid;" title=":uc"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/ecbaby2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="ec baby2">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/cd.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Cd">:<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bfinfant.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bfinfant">:, and lots of <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/femalesling.GIF" style="border:0px solid;" title="Femalesling">:!
 

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I don't think you are crazy at all! Of course I had a UC HB as well for my first baby, soooooooooo... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
We didn't have a midwife, and I am so glad we didn't. I didn't even want my DH around while I was in labor, I just wanted to be left alone. I didn't want to be touched or even looked at, lol!<br><br>
We didn't call anyone until 2 days after DS was born. I wasn''t 'exhausted' by the birth, but I sure was sore down there! DH did the cooking and all that stuff, so that wasn't a problem. I had also made a lot of meals ahead of time and had frozen them so that wasn't a problem.<br><br>
Lucky for me my parents were very respectful and said that when we wanted them to visit then they would come down. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"> There weren't pushy about seeing the baby immediately either.<br><br>
Of course my mom freaked when she found out we hadn't immediately run to the nearest germ ridden hospital for them to poke and prod our perfectly healthy baby. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"> I didn't tell anyone on my side of the family about our UC plans.<br><br>
I went by my instincts, and they said that a home birth would not be a problem, even without a midwife. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"><br><br>
Maybe wait a few weeks after your baby is born before you tell your mom. It is your baby, and your birth. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 
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