[JStout]

Ok a little bit of background first... I am the oldest of my siblings and all my cousins and ever since I can remember my mom taking care of my sis and bro I have always wanted to be a mom.... I've been married 4 years and we are finally expecting our first baby at the end of July. I AM VERY EXCITED!!

Ok.... I have several family members who have gotten pregnant by "surprise"...very unplanned...and not at all a good time in their life..... But they all have made the best out of the situation and have beautiful babies and everything is great with them now...

Here's my issue... Every one of them are always making comments to me about "are you ready for the all night feedings", or "Just wait until you haven't slept in 24 hours." You know the same old stuff...I never say anything back to them because I don't want to hurt their feelings, but what I'm thinking is "You obviously think your kid is an inconvenience to you and your social life and mine won't be so yeah I'm ready"!! I have waited my whole life for those moments.. I'm not saying they won't be hard, but I'm ready for it. I want to tell them so bad that just because they were thrown into it unplanned doesn't mean everyone dreads it just like they did.

I don't think I'm just being naive because I've taken care of my fair share of newborns and children in my lifetime. I am just honestly really ready for it all.

I guess my question is... is that so bad? That I don't feel nervous or scared or worried. I'm excited and anxious for our baby boy to be here, but I'm ready for everything else.

Any thoughts?

 

[Talula Fairie]

While I think there is no way to really be prepared for how hard it is, even if you've babysat children before, even if you think you're ready to give up your ENTIRE social life, I also think the choice to have children is entirely yours and your husband's. Your family/friends should support that, not tell you every possible negative down the road, however well intentioned they are.

Having a baby has many challenges (and joys too). Every baby is different and every mother's experience is different. Like, I really didn't mind the night feedings and the sleep deprivation wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be during the newborn phase. I actually think the newborn phase is the easiest in a lot of ways. But then my high needs child turned into a....spirited toddler, then my second was born, and that's when things got really hard.

Anyway, my point is, it's hard for everyone, but there are a lot of joys along the way too. No one would have babies at all if it was all misery. You've been married awhile, you've planned well, there's no reason why you won't love motherhood

Ignore them!

 

[belltree]

It is great to feel prepared and exited!
I am a first time pregnant mom as well. I believe this exitement is also something to give us joy and strength. And maybe we are a bit naive, but we also have the right to be naive. I don't believe, it is possible to imagine how hard it can be to become a parent, even if you grew up in a big family and even if you have babysit many children. Life will be different. To me, it sounds like a journey - I am going to explore another kind of life, that I have visited and heard about, but never experienced myself.

Some people feel it necessary to warn others of the obstacles to come. I know they will come, but I also don't believe in becoming fearful and doubtful, if these obstacles are not in sight (yet). Other people might appreciate the warnings, because they grew up in smaller families or it came a shock for them, so they want to ease you in the situation.

 

[mariacm]

You're not crazy! I feel the same way as you. I'm not worried or scared or anxious or nervous. I am so excited!!

I have 10 younger sibs, was changing pinned cloth diapers for them by age 7, and grew up taking care of sibs and then babysitting babies and kids as a teenager. And I have recent practice with nieces and nephews. I feel ready and prepared for #1.

I know there will be challenges, and breastfeeding and night feedings are obviously something I have'nt experienced, but I'm confident I will do fine in the end, and I will seek out help and guidance when needed.

If I were you, I would respond with something like "yeah, I've heard all the bad stuff about having babies/kids - but I'd love to hear your good stories/advice/recommendations". Get them to change the topic to what could be useful or inspiring information, instead of negative warnings.

BTW, what's the use in telling you now "are sure you're ready for this or that" when you are ALREADY pregnant??! Sheesh.

 

[Talula Fairie]

I agree with maria, that's such a rude thing to say after the fact especially.

Anyway, night feedings were no big deal to me, I co slept and usually all it involved was whipping out a boob

 

[sunshynbaby]

These are the same kind of people who joke that being around their kids is the "best birthcontrol." I know how annoying their comments can be, especially when you have wanted to be a parent for so long. Smile and tell them you can't wait for the joys of parenthood and try to let it go.

 

[baileyann3]

It doesn't end once you have the baby either. It turns into, "oh wait until she's mobile..." and then "wait until she can talk back"

One woman even said "you're so lucky yours isn't crawling yet, it was so much easier when mine was a lump on the couch"

What? No, sorry. I had babies so I could watch them learn to do these things. People are nutty, and honestly some people just dontlike patenting.

 

[Talula Fairie]

Parenting is hard! Sometimes I don't like it.

My favorite time is the newborn to six or seven months, they're so little and sweet at that age...they're less mobile...it's just easier! Of course I like things about the other stages too, but I have to admit that ages 2-4 have been really hard. I don't dig it.

 

[brinalicious]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JStout "You obviously think your kid is an inconvenience to you and your social life and mine won't be so yeah I'm ready"!! I have waited my whole life for those moments.. I'm not saying they won't be hard, but I'm ready for it. I want to tell them so bad that just because they were thrown into it unplanned doesn't mean everyone dreads it just like they did.

I just wanted to give another perspective on this situation. Whether or not someone "planned" to have their kids when they did, they did in fact make a choice to become a parent to them. Moreover, having had children that were planned and unplanned, I do not love my unplanned child any less than my planned child, nor is the unplanned child any more of an "inconvenience" to my life. Most first time parents, whether intentionally pregnant or accidentally pregnant, are excited and confident for the new role that awaits them...but it's a whole new ballgame once you are there. You just cannot know the specific challenges, or joys, for that matter, that await you as a parent. I think it is frustrating to hear negative comments that are posed in such a way as to undermine your enthusiasm or readiness for the job of parenting that awaits you, but it is a reality that you will soon understand in a whole new light. My personal opinion is that when we share with each other the challenges and difficulties we encounter from time to time as parents--and particularly as mothers--then we make a more comfortable space for others to come when they face their own challenges. If all anyone said to you was what an incredible joy it is to have children, and touted how much they just love changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night, and how they just love that fresh glow they get from the lack of sleep, you would think you were going crazy when you had an experience that was really frustrating, or you just started to feel burnt out, etc. As it is, I think we actually hide from each other how hard it really is. I think it's true that many people don't go about this in a way that is productive or opens up a space for this kind of necessary, frank dialogue, but you certainly shouldn't denounce parents who openly share their own frustrations--and who may just be a bit sarcastic about how they do it--especially until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I think the pp's suggestion that you elicit discussion about the really good things about parenting is a great idea...and it doesn't require you casting any stones

.

 

[zuzunel09]

People love to scare a new mom, especially when she's pregnant. I don't know what it is, but I'm experiencing it too. I say, don't heap burdens on yourself unecessarily. In other words, take what they say with a grain of salt, and if you feel ready and confident, that will just take you that much farther when things do become challenging. It sounds like you're mature and ready to welcome a child with the most important thing he/she needs: love!

 

[Full Heart]

Misery loves company. They want you to be as miserable as they are (at least in my experience). Then after the baby is born if you dare complain about anything you will hear, "Well you wanted this!" What a way to make an expecting mom excited about meeting her baby

. Yes, we should all dread the day we become parents, because its all misery.

From a very experienced mom: Parenting is hard, but it is so worth it! There is nothing more rewarding in your life. Remember during the hard times when you are exhausted and near your breaking point that this is so short compared to your time as a parent. Love your children and you will be fine.

 

[sdejje]

Nope, you're not crazy. Being a mom is WONDERFUL! Every day brings new joy and new opportunities to laugh. And yes, you can be fully ready for it as a FTM. I was.

 

[kcparker]

You are not crazy. Being a mother to my son is the best thing in the world, and I am so thankful for every single day that this little person is part of my life.

Maybe some of your relatives had a rough start. I now know from firsthand experience why sleep deprivation is considered a form of torture, and I can tell you from experience that it can kick a person into some wicked PPD. I wouldn't trade the co-sleeping, the ECing, the extended nursing, the messy house, or any other part of having a child for not having one again. If I could go back, I wouldn't change any of the parenting decisions we have made. It's no joke to have a 4-12 month old baby whose nursing cycle is reversed so he nurses all night long because you are at work all day, who loves being held and cries whenever he gets put down for even a second (and who, even at 21 months, still loves to be 'up! up!'). Social life has nothing to do with it - basic brain function and baseline affect can be impaired to the point that all you want to do is crumple in a weeping heap in the corner. Nobody warned me about this before I had a child. Maybe it's not like this for everyone, and maybe a lot of working mothers don't do all the AP stuff that led to my year of chronic sleep deprivation.

Anyway, I guess my point with all of this is that you don't ever know what you are in for when you sign on for parenthood. You could get a piece of cake kid who sleeps well and be a SAHM with no other responsibilities besides the baby, lucky enough to have supportive family nearby, or you could get a high-needs baby and have to juggle that child's care with school, work, and be relatively isolated from any sort of social support. These variables will affect your experience of parenting a baby. Hopefully your experience leans towards the former scenario, but not everyone is that lucky.

 

[darcytrue]

I agree with a pp that you can never prepare yourself for parenthood, especially those early months and years.

But I say prepare yourself to enjoy them to the fullest because they go by sooooo very fast!! I had a rough time with my second child because she was super colicky and didn't sleep hardly at all that whole first year of her life, but now it's all hazy in my mind and just a distant memory. My life with her so far in her short 7 years has been too quick IMO.

A lot of people make the comment to me about getting up all night and going through the first few years with a baby/small child and why on earth would I want to do that over since my kids are school age. I don't even give thought to it all. I'm actually thrilled that I get to experience another baby in my life. My other children have grown up super fast. I now wish I would have had more children when I was at a younger age and had them closer together. I'm thankful for this little miracle.

 

[artgoddess]

Quote:

Originally Posted by baileyann3 It doesn't end once you have the baby either. It turns into, "oh wait until she's mobile..." and then "wait until she can talk back" One woman even said "you're so lucky yours isn't crawling yet, it was so much easier when mine was a lump on the couch" What? No, sorry. I had babies so I could watch them learn to do these things. People are nutty, and honestly some people just dontlike patenting.

I have a 5 year old and I get the "wait until he's a teen ager" comments a lot. Sometimes people just like to say something and they can't think of anything useful to say so they come off as rude. I would try and not be insulted by anyone and respond something along the lines of, "Well I know it's going to be hard, but I'm guessing it's all worth it or no one would ever go on to have two kids."

 

[frontierpsych]

I certainly won't say there aren't challenges, but don't let them pin their baggage on you. Think of pregnancy. Sure, there's sometimes morning sickness, and that part where you're so huge your belly is always in the way and you feel like your about to drop a bowling ball out your hoo-ha

but tons of women enjoy the journey even with all those things!

And while you can never KNOW the joys and challenges without having been there, you can certainly be PREPARED for them! DS is only just shy of 8 months, but I can say that I was very prepared, confident in my decisions, and have yet to have any real moments of "OMG what do I DO?!" or "Oh no, I screwed it up!". I know they will come, as the kid gets older things get more complex, but I am preparing as I go and I don't feel overwhelmed by it all. Hope that makes sense.

There will probably be sleepless nights and crying jags and tantrums, etc, but you absolutely CAN be prepared for them, and love raising your kid all the same!

 

[emmaegbert]

Quote:

Originally Posted by brinalicious ...I think we actually hide from each other how hard it really is. I think it's true that many people don't go about this in a way that is productive or opens up a space for this kind of necessary, frank dialogue, but you certainly shouldn't denounce parents who openly share their own frustrations--and who may just be a bit sarcastic about how they do it--especially until you've walked a mile in their shoes. I think the pp's suggestion that you elicit discussion about the really good things about parenting is a great idea...and it doesn't require you casting any stones .

I agree with this, for me its been an incredible joy AND very hard, to the point of almost being an emotional trauma, to give up some parts of myself as I was reborn as a mother when my son was born. I think many women are terribly ashamed and inhibited to share this, women who deeply love their children. Some people are sarcastic and negative to cover up their own discomfort with these conflicted feelings, perhaps. I try not to take it too seriously. (well, of course there are a few aberrant, terrible people out there in the world, but truly most people DO love their children, I forget that sometimes.)

 

[mommy2two babes]

Quote:

Originally Posted by JStout but what I'm thinking is "You obviously think your kid is an inconvenience to you and your social life and mine won't be so yeah I'm ready"!! I have waited my whole life for those moments.. I'm not saying they won't be hard, but I'm ready for it. I want to tell them so bad that just because they were thrown into it unplanned doesn't mean everyone dreads it just like they did. Any thoughts?

First off congratulations!
I know how annoying those type of comments can be especially with pregnancy hormones surging.
I don't know these people obvoiusly but I wouldn't take a comment like that as someone saying that thier child is an inconvienience, dreads it, or that it has anything to do with thier children being unplanned.

It is great that you feel confident and are ready for this baby.
I think that maybe what they are trying to get across is that everyone has moments of weakness and it's not always easy to deal with, no matter how prepared you are. I am the oldest sibling/ cousin by 7 years and also did alot of babysitting ect. I always knew that all I wanted to be was a Mom.
I can remember pacing the living room with my DD crying my eyes out right along with her out of pure exaustion feeling defeated.It certainly didn't mean that I thought she was an inconvienience,just that I am human and thats ok.

Please don't judge them until you have been in thier shoes. I currently run a home daycare and look after a few babies 10 -12 hours a day. Believe me when I say that it is completely different when they are your own.
I hope I havn't offended I just wanted to hopefully give some perspective.

 

[mama to 2 girls]

I totally agree with what mommy2twobabes said....when she said that she was pacing the room with her dd and crying her eyes out, out of pure exhaustion and that it wasn't that she was an inconvenience but that she felt defeated..and she was only being HUMAN..That is sooo true!

For us dd1 was planned and I had my family telling me how wonderful babies are and they never told me had awful it COULD be at the same time. And I really wished they would have.....I am the type of person to also sort of "warn" new parents to be about how it IS wonderful BUT CAN also be awful at the same time. But just like everyone else has said you WILL get thru it (if you even have a "difficult" baby) and the joys will eventually out number the "bad" times.

For me dd1 was a really bad experience....I think because I was expecting it to be this fairly tale all coos and this sweet quiet baby who slept all the time and we would have nothing but joy and smiles....for me it was the complete opposite I had severe PPD (which I didn't see coming).

With dd2 she was a BREEZE...NO colic (very much UNlike dd1) and when she woke in the middle of the night to feed she would go right back to sleep (again UNlike dd1) she was such an easy baby! I thought...so THIS is what everyone talks about...of course there was sleep deprevation because a newborn only sleeps so much.

With ds I was prepared for another easy baby but that is NOT what I got! He cried ALL day EVERYday for 6 mos.! with colic peaking and getting REALLY bad at night where he wasn't just crying but screaming! and yes just like the other pp brought out....there were many nights that I was pacing the livingroom with him crying my eyes out and feeling defeated...It's a horrible feeling when your baby is crying and screaming and there is nothing that helps....I was just being HUMAN and there is nothing wrong with that!

I shared a little of my experience just to show you, you never know what kind of temper your baby is going to have....is he going to be mellow or be high needs or whiney....you just never know. I hope you get a very mellow mild tempered baby and even if you don't you will get thru it and they moments of joy that you get spaced thru-out the hard times will be enough to keep you going.

 

[mbravebird]

The reason they're saying that to you is because they're still processing their own challenges. And for good reason -- it's challenging, more challenging than anybody can really be prepared for! But that's true for everyone, not just you and not just them. It's part of parenthood. So they're processing the experience of parenthood with you, but they just don't have clear enough boundaries to know that they're doing it for themselves rather than you.

What *you* need is for them to say "I know you have all the tools you need to meet the challenges and joys of parenthood. What a wonderful ride! Welcome and congratulations!"

But it sounds like they're not there yet. It has nothing to do with you, though. You can just smile and nod and commit to not do it to other moms later on

. I know it's frustrating to experience, though. Can you think of a good exit line in those situations, so you can just get out of the situation as quickly as possible?

And rub your heart and love yourself, because this baby chose *you* and is looking forward to being here with you! Congratulations.