[sdr]

I am very sad and down . Needed to vent and thus had to make it long.
DH and I have been married for 12 years. He is very smart , intelligent and has as charming personality which I like a lot. He is very nice to women and sometimes or most of the time I feel it more of being extra nice and that makes me feel uncomfortable. I have talked to him many times in the past and he says he is just trying to be nice or I was just joking to her or something like that.
This happened during the 1st year of our marriage. Since I dint have a car at that time and also due to financial situation we decided that I take only 1 or 2 course per semester.And one day he was talking to me in front of my class mate who is taking 3 courses per semester - look she is smart .she takes 3 courses and u need to be like her and blah blah. So my class mate justified me to my husband that don't say that ur wife is very smart , she does assignments faster than me…etc. I did nt have anything to say but I could see my friend was quite flattered.
When I questioned him he said I am sorry it hurt u I was just being nice to your friend.
There was another girl who was quite popular among guys and my DH was interested in making fun of her which I was not at all comfortable. One day we were all going to the beach and she was also coming with us.
DH on the phone to her : You should get ur bikini . I would like to check u out .I am sure u take good care of ur figure.Then the girl asking him don't your wife hear all these?
He laughs and makes fun of her again.
Some how I don't find this funny when it comes out of my husband. Many incidents like this followed where he acts like an unmarried guy and we had fights and I was labeled as a jealous wife which I believe I am not. If he talks to them normally, he can talk as long as he wants I just don't care. With my neighbor girl he was extra sweet and I was uncomfortable. Again fights. I know it hasn't gone any farther than conversations. But I feel so low when my husban talks to women like that. I feel inferior infront of them. I just act as if I don't care. But I did in my heart.
Anyway we had kids , home ,work etc and didnt have much of a social life which dh believes cos of my jealosiness . I missed the social life and any gathering we had he would say something to make me feel low so I am without anyfriends.
DH had a good work life unlike me cos I was on and off out of work. He is in the management where he could interview and hire college graduates. He has hired a lot of pretty girls and is very nice to them He even told one girl that u look like my wife when I first met her. Dh keeps telling me - come on don't tell me u are jealous again. This is work and she is so much younger than me etc. Over the phone he called one of the girls he hired ,the sweet petname that he calls me. That one he said was an accident. Anyway last night I couldn't take it anymore.This girl had a crush on him when he was 17. At that time it didn't work out as DH's family was against it . She is divorced now and his mom wants him to talk to her and help her out. I am absolutely all for helping her out. Dh called her and he wanted to talk in private. I didn't let him.To be honest if I was her and somebody (especially if it is a person I had feelings) talks to me like the way Dh did , that can do something to my heart. I was quite uneasy after that. I wish he could talk to me like the way he talks to these women.

Sometimes I feel like getting out of this relationship which suffocates me. But he is the only man I have ever loved , kissed and shared a bed with. I feel scary to be without him in a foreign country with no family around but 2 little kids( age 6 ½ an 21/2) . I don't know how my life is going to be as a singlemom. I have a job .I make good money .So financially I am okay. But I want to have a relationship where my husband loves me , respects me and adores me.
Am I being unreasonable to DH? Its not like he is going after women . But its like he is flirting in a healthy way . I am only 50% happy in this relation ship .He is not all that bad. He is a responsible guy. I mean controlled drinking, stable job , takes care of the house and kids. But emotionally I am numb.
Making love is a major issue. When I am unhappy I cant get myself to it. But we do it 3 -4 times a month average. On a good week if the kids don't give me trouble more . But he thinks of love based on sex. He tells me sex makes him feel loved. But I don't feel loved when he makes others feel special and not me.

I have communicated enough to him. He just believes I am unreasonable , jealous and don't have a sense of humour. He doesn't like to go counseling. He gets mad when I tell him that. Any advice to me ? Should I be thinking about divorce? Or is this normal in any relationship?
Thanks for listening. I need you all's help

 

[lapetitemaman]

Hi,

I'm sorry for what you're going through. I, too, would be jealous if my husband talked to other women in that way...some of it does seem beyond being just "nice and polite"...It sounds like he isn't being very sympathetic that it bothers you.

Honestly, I don't know what I would do if I was in your place.....Do you trust him, deep down inside? That might give you some insight.

Take care of yourself, ok?

 

[DesireeH]

I dont think that is a matter of jealousy so much as feeling disrespected. If he is trying to make you feel inferior in front of people, I would be angry as well. That is not something you do to someone you love. How would he fell if you called up a male friend and said "wear a speedo to the beach so I can see your shape", even if you were joking? Or if you called a male his "pet" name that you normally only call him? He probably wouldnt like it at all.

I dont have much advice except to try to not let him make you feel inferior. You are NOT inferior. Do something for you that makes you feel good. When you know that you are good enough, other people will too.

I also think that sometimes people are all talk. If he tells you these things, I dont think he is necessarily hiding anything....maybe he WANTS you to feel jealous because that sends him the message that you WANT him enough to be jealous over him at all? I dont know if that even makes sense but it does in my own head and I cant explain it. LOL

 

[lilyka]

screw jealous. I would be pissed!

and he isn't being particularly nice to the other women either. he is putting them in an awkward spot. he is flirting and hitting on them. he is making them the wedge between you and him. I know if i had been either of those women I would have thought your husband a womanizing jerk who disrespects women and has no love for his wife. not a nice guy. and I would have called him on it. and sent him away.

I am sorry he treats you like that. his is not being nice to those women. you can be nice without hurting people.

I don't have any great advice.

sorry. he obviously needs more sex to feel loved. he has expressed this to you somewhat at least. perhaps he is striking out to get back at you for not being more accomodating. he dosn't feel loved so he wants to hit you where it hurts,. which in turns means you are less in mood which means he feels less loved so he strikes out which hurts your willingness . . . . I know it is vicious cycle that women and men get into. Is there any way you guys can talk about it? if not is there anyway you can just decide to be more . . .generous without a cause (humor him) in this area? I am not saying he deserves it but it might help. ugghhhh . . i hate even sugesting it because if I am right then it will just encourage him to play these stupid gams. I hate rewarding bad behavior. Sorry to spew my enternal struggle here . . . .

 

[elsasmommy]

I would be furious if my husband treated me that way. I would leave and tell him "I'll come back when you agree to show me respect and stop flirting with other women." Also, if you don't feel like making love to him, it is most likely because he disrespects you. And his saying your jealous and have no sense of humor is emotional abuse. You are telling him your true feelings, and he refuses to acknowledge them. He makes you out to be the "bad guy". You are right to be angry. Plus, by making you feel bad about yourself, it makes it harder for you to leave him, to stand up for yourself. You are seeing him give other women his kindness and flattery, and he is keeping you starving for his affection which you can see but it out of your reach. That must feel awful.

One last thing: I think that charm is a terrible trait. Right away, when you said your husband is charming (esp. to other women), I thought, "Bad news!" I have dated "charming" men and I would not trust or marry someone like that. Charming men always seem to know how to turn on the charm just when you have had enough and are about to leave them.

And yes, there are lots of men out there who are steady and work hard....and will also adore you and treat you with the respect you deserve.

 

[sdr]

elsamommy i totally feel what you just said. He refuses to acknowledge my feelings and make me the 'bad guy'. I felt as being emotionayl abused on several occassions. I am generally a patient person , but sometimes i lose it when this happens and I hate myself for it.
Then again like Desireeh said. He is all talk . He doesnt hide anything from me as far as i know.
I do need an escape from this for my own sake. I have tried enough to get through to my husband. Leaving him right away is going to kill me emotionally since I was stupid enough to love him even after taking crap from him.Mostly because I never had a life outside home or had any friends period. Anyway I have come to a point that I dont deserve this and I need to be happier and in time I know my love for him is going to disappear and I can leave peacefully. I can see it is starting to happen.
Thank you all for reassuring my feelings. I feel so much better.

 

[Attached Mama]

that is NOT appropriate behaviour for a married man!

to you!

I would be making some serious threats if it were me. Maybe you could write him a letter and let him know exactly how you feel so he could consider it not in the heat of hte moment. I would insist on counseling then.

then again, how is he as a dad? I would not leave a man over that kind of behaviour if he were a good dad but that is just me and there are many differing opinions on here regarding staying in a marriage for kids sake.

follow your heart and get counseling is what i suggest.

best of luck

 

[sdr]

He is a good dad . He is hot tempered but he loves his kids .
When things go wrong I think about all the good things - what if he was a bad dad ? What if he never wanted to take care of me and the kids .. etc

Then again when i get blamed and disrespected I feel that is the worst thing that can happen since it affects my health , my personality , my spirits and develops an inferirity complex in me when i have all the reasons to feel very good about myself. In short , materially I cant complain but that is not something I care for. He is a very social person , he likes to play (golf , ping pong etc) all weekend and some evenings on weekdays. I will let him play only one round of golf every weekend . I can only handle that much cos i have small kids at home. I work too jus like he does. He has made feel guilty that he has sacrificed his hobbies just to stay home to make me happy even after he gets to go play golf every weekend with his friends . Sometimes i feel he should not have got married if he believes all that is a sacrifice.

If, for some reason he stays home couple of weekends not playing , he would make me feel as if he did a favour to me.I never get the time to do anything and if I also find hobbies , then my kids are going to suffer.

I have had several talks with him . In the end I get blamed saying that I am trying to change him to be a person that he is not. I would feel guilty and unhappy after every conversation.
Now I have stopped reasoning myself why i sould stay in this marriage. When the time comes I guess i should be able to leave with no regrets.

 

[~PurityLake~]

I agree with the pp. It sounds like your husband has issues and isn't willing to work on them, so you end up suffering. You do deserve to be treated with respect, compassion and love. He is not doing that. I'd even say it borders on emotional abuse what he is doing to you, to make you feel so bad you have no friends, yet he goes around flirting with girls. I really don't like to tell people what to do, but if it were me, and he refused counseling, refused to change, I would leave him.