Am I justified in thinking DH is being a bit childish and unfair about this?

gbailey · Dec 1, 2010

Every year DH goes to his family reunion.I haven't been since before DD was born and won't be going anytime in the future.Usually, I'm annoyed about his going but this past year got some great advice from other MDC posters and let it go. This year I decided it would be fun for me and DD to have a weekend getaway while he's gone.Normally we just do some local stuff.
 
I mentioned to DH that I'd like to take her to maybe Pennsylvania for a couple of days.We can go to Hershey Park and do some other fun stuff or some other place accessible fairly quickly by Amtrak for the weekend. He keeps making excuse after excuse as to why we shouldn't go from memorial day not being a good time to travel to the fact that the park might be super crowded. He keeps mentioning this like constantly. He says I should just wait until he gets back and we can all go.
 
If he'd rather make Hershey Park a family event that's fine by me but he's given an excuse as to why we shouldn't go to any other place I've suggested as well. I didn't get into it with him this morning but I'm going to ask him why he's so resistant to us going away that weekend. I don't see what the big deal is.Do you?

SubliminalDarkness · Dec 1, 2010

Eh. I don't think it's totally unreasonable, but I don't know the back story. It sounds like (from what you've said) that you have an open invitation to attend the reunion, but you choose not to. If this was, say, a guy's only trip and there was no option for you to go, so you wanted a separate event for you and your child, that would make more sense to me and be more reasonable. Instead, DH would like the opportunity to also go on this Hershey trip with you. I think that's ok.

pianojazzgirl · Dec 1, 2010

I think he should just come out and say "please wait for me to get back because I'd like to go too" (assuming that's really what he means - I'm just going on what you say), instead of making up other "excuses". But, since you're pretty sure that's what he really means why don't you just ask him: "is the reason you keep coming up with reasons why dd and I shouldn't go to Hershey park while you're away actually because you really want to go on that trip too and you want us to wait for you?". If he answers yes, then point out that next time something is bothering him he should just say exactly what it is.
 
Is there any other fun day trip you could do with dd that dh wouldn't feel like he was missing out on?

laohaire · Dec 1, 2010

Hmm, yeah, you should definitely ask him.
 
My husband would not want me to go without him, but he worries about me being out alone (I'm deafblind and still getting used to the latter part).

HollyBearsMom · Dec 1, 2010

Maybe he is nervous about you guys travelling alone but doesn't want to come right out and say it??
 
Personally I dont see it as a big deal for you to make plans to travel while he's gone, provided budgets, etc allowed. I would just go ahead and book it.

mrsdocmartin · Dec 1, 2010

Is he upset that you aren't going to the reunion? If it were my DH, he'd be mad that I wasn't attending the reunion, but "could' go do other fun things.

gbailey · Dec 1, 2010

I know he's disappointed we're not going but he understands why.There is alot of negative feelings towards his mother and family. A lot of things done and said towards us that still bothers me. Some just petty but some very vicious and hurtful. He has a lot of fun hanging out with his male cousins. If DD and I were to go we'd either be in the hotel or left to spend time at his mothers place. Honestly, I'd rather have a triple root canal than spend any extracurricular time with or around his mom.
 
I am not opposed to doing something different so he won't miss out on the phone but even visiting a friend in Miami is a "it's memorial day. too crowded."
 
I can deal with him not wanting us to travel alone because he'd be worried. I think that's a valid reason and I wish he'd just say that but part of me feels like it has more to do with us going to this reunion. I've struggled with going to make him happy but I don't think we should waste money for me to spend most of my time reading magazines at Super Walmart and counting the days and hours until it's time to return home. I'll ask him straight out why he's so hesitant when he comes home tonight.

20605 · Dec 1, 2010

my two cents...he doesn't want you to have any fun if you don't want to go to the reunion. it is a subsconcious form of "punishing" you - he is probably not even really aware he is doing it.

gbailey · Dec 1, 2010

I was trying not to go there but did wonder if he is trying to punish me because I'm not going. I feel at this point I could tell him we're going to the local zoo and he'd say, "but it's memorial day and it's going to be crowded." LOL 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Rani <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085046"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> my two cents...he doesn't want you to have any fun if you don't want to go to the reunion. it is a subsconcious form of "punishing" you - he is probably not even really aware he is doing it. 
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laohaire · Dec 1, 2010

OP, when you ask him tonight he might give more surface reasons/excuses. So you'll need to be prepared for a constructive way to dig deeper. Can you say something like this in a loving and sincere tone?
 
You: ... so why don't you want us to go to Miami?
Him: Memorial day. Too crowded.
You: But you know that's not an issue visiting a friend's house. Honey, what's on your mind? I can see you have some concern or another, but I just can't figure it out.
Him: I dunno, I just don't want you having to deal with crowds without me, it's just a bad time to go anywhere.
You: Is that the real reason? Because i'm fine with the crowds, if there are any. It's not a concern of mine, so does that address your objection? If you're not sure what's bothering you - and I can see something is - can you think about it for a little while? Because I would just really like to be able to have a little fun time while you're having your fun time, but you don't seem comfortable with anything I suggest. Are you thinking that I'm mad about you going to the reunion? Because I'm really not, I know you love seeing your cousins. I think it would be fun for us to go to Miami at the same time, and then we can all have a great time and miss each other and look forward to seeing each other again.
 
... If that's really true, that is. I somewhat recall your previous post and I believe you did have some resentment about him going. Be honest with him, if you expect him to be honest with you.
 
You: I'm guessing you not wanting us to go anywhere might have something to do with my resentment that you're going to the reunion, though I'm not sure about the exact connection. I admit I felt resentful, and I'm really working on letting that go. Intellectually I think it's perfectly fine that you're going. Some emotional part of me feels like you're choosing your mother over me, but I know it's not really true. So I admit to my feelings, and it's ok to talk about them and I'll keep an open mind. Can we work through this so we can both have a good time?

~Charlie's~Angel~ · Dec 1, 2010

OK, I might be totally stupid about this, but I kinda dont get his point. 
 
You live in NYC.
 
Your talking about going to HERSHEY, PA, Not Miami, FL, for memorial day weekend. How much more crowded can Pennsylvania be then NYC during a holiday weekend?

pumpkin · Dec 1, 2010

My DH would be nervous about me traveling alone with DD. 
I suspect he would also be unhappy about me traveling to something fun when I was refusing to travel to a family event. It might even seem like you are trying rub it in that his family isn't worth seeing. I think it would be polite to stay home.

gbailey · Dec 1, 2010

Great post and I love your dialogue for digging deeper. Thank you! Will do this tonight when he gets home.
 
While I do wish he was home with us, I've worked through my resentment about him going to his family reunion. He really enjoys himself while he's there. I don't mind if he goes. I'd love to have him home with us but I usually feel that way.
 
Quote:
<div class="quote-container">
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by laohaire <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085117"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> OP, when you ask him tonight he might give more surface reasons/excuses. So you'll need to be prepared for a constructive way to dig deeper. Can you say something like this in a loving and sincere tone?
 
You: ... so why don't you want us to go to Miami?
Him: Memorial day. Too crowded.
You: But you know that's not an issue visiting a friend's house. Honey, what's on your mind? I can see you have some concern or another, but I just can't figure it out.
Him: I dunno, I just don't want you having to deal with crowds without me, it's just a bad time to go anywhere.
You: Is that the real reason? Because i'm fine with the crowds, if there are any. It's not a concern of mine, so does that address your objection? If you're not sure what's bothering you - and I can see something is - can you think about it for a little while? Because I would just really like to be able to have a little fun time while you're having your fun time, but you don't seem comfortable with anything I suggest. Are you thinking that I'm mad about you going to the reunion? Because I'm really not, I know you love seeing your cousins. I think it would be fun for us to go to Miami at the same time, and then we can all have a great time and miss each other and look forward to seeing each other again.
 
... If that's really true, that is. I somewhat recall your previous post and I believe you did have some resentment about him going. Be honest with him, if you expect him to be honest with you.
 
You: I'm guessing you not wanting us to go anywhere might have something to do with my resentment that you're going to the reunion, though I'm not sure about the exact connection. I admit I felt resentful, and I'm really working on letting that go. Intellectually I think it's perfectly fine that you're going. Some emotional part of me feels like you're choosing your mother over me, but I know it's not really true. So I admit to my feelings, and it's ok to talk about them and I'll keep an open mind. Can we work through this so we can both have a good time?
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Super~Single~Mama · Dec 1, 2010

Could you travel with him and then do something other than attend the reunion? Like, go to the zoo where the reunion is? I don't know where the reunion is, but maybe that way you could travel together (taking away the travelling on Memorial Day weekend concern), but then you and dd could just go and do your own thing, while he hangs out with his cousins?

gbailey · Dec 1, 2010

Great suggestion. Unfortunately, where his family is in North Carolina there isn't much to do except go to Super Walmart (which I love by the way) or hang out at one of the local malls. It's a struggle getting past my ill feelings toward his mother and rest of the family (not all) but I am working on it. If we all traveled there together the next hurdle would be him wanting me to spend time with the relatives. Going opens up so many cans of worms and requires me being stressed to a level I'm not willing to subject myself to. Too bad the reunion isn't in Washington D.C.
 
 
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<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by Super~Single~Mama <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085414"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-right:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-bottom:0px solid;"></a> 
Could you travel with him and then do something other than attend the reunion? Like, go to the zoo where the reunion is? I don't know where the reunion is, but maybe that way you could travel together (taking away the travelling on Memorial Day weekend concern), but then you and dd could just go and do your own thing, while he hangs out with his cousins?
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HollyBearsMom · Dec 2, 2010

OP- So how did last nights talk go??

Caneel · Dec 2, 2010

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by pumpkin <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085154"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border-bottom:0px solid;border-left:0px solid;border-top:0px solid;border-right:0px solid;"></a> 
My DH would be nervous about me traveling alone with DD. 
I suspect he would also be unhappy about me traveling to something fun when I was refusing to travel to a family event. It might even seem like you are trying rub it in that his family isn't worth seeing. I think it would be polite to stay home.</div>
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Right or wrong, this is how my DH would also view it.
 
I truly do not like being around his mother, her husband and the extended family but if I said "you go to FL alone because I don't like them" and then went and did something fun with DS, his feelings would be hurt. In turn, I would feel the same way if he snubbed my family events and kept DS from attending.
 
Now, I say all this making the assumption that the "issues" you have aren't hugely horrible. If there is something horrible like abuse, physical assults or wildly inappropriate behavior you don't want to be a part of, disregard my opinion. My FIL (and associated family members) are truly awful and there is no way I will allow DS to be around them but DH also refuses to see them so it isn't a problem.

*bejeweled* · Dec 2, 2010

<div class="quote-container" data-huddler-embed="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085154" data-huddler-embed-placeholder="false">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by pumpkin <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085154"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/img/forum/go_quote.gif"></a> 
I suspect he would also be unhappy about me traveling to something fun when I was refusing to travel to a family event. It might even seem like you are trying rub it in that his family isn't worth seeing. I think it would be polite to stay home.</div>
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 <img alt="nod.gif" class="bbcode_smiley" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/nod.gif"> Most definitely I would stay home. That is the polite thing to do.

Super~Single~Mama · Dec 2, 2010

Oh. I hate super walmart (the employment practices they have are atrocious), but thats beside the point. Can't you do some fun things in NYC while he's gone? It's not like theres a shortage, and then you can save Hershey, PA for a time all of you can go (or any other ideas you had that are out of town). Unless you want to take your ds somewhere that he wouldn't want to go with you, then I think he should get over it. 

<div class="quote-container">Quote:
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by gbailey <a href="/community/forum/thread/1282780/am-i-justified-in-thinking-dh-is-being-a-bit-childish-and-unfair-about-this#post_16085850"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a> Great suggestion. Unfortunately, where his family is in North Carolina there isn't much to do except go to Super Walmart (which I love by the way) or hang out at one of the local malls. It's a struggle getting past my ill feelings toward his mother and rest of the family (not all) but I am working on it. If we all traveled there together the next hurdle would be him wanting me to spend time with the relatives. Going opens up so many cans of worms and requires me being stressed to a level I'm not willing to subject myself to. Too bad the reunion isn't in Washington D.C.
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HollyBearsMom · Dec 2, 2010

If I remember the original post about him wanting to go correctly the OP wasn't sure about him going but they worked it out and he agreed to go on his own. For him to now be all passive/aggressive and not want her to have any fun while he is away (having fun with his male cousins BTW) is just ridiculous.
 
And now the OP should be "polite", stay home and not have any fun so her husband feelings are not hurt is plain crazy.
 
I get it if Hersey was a place they had always wanted to do together as family. And if that is the case and the OP is doing this as a way of getting even then yeah that is not OK. But deny the OP the opportunity to have some fun one-one time with her kid(s) is silly.
 
My husband often goes to see his family without me. I WOHM full time, our son is in school and so our schedules are limited as is our budget. We prefer to save our travel money for family vacations. His schedule is flexible so he takes trip down there alone. My son and I always plan something fun while dad is away. Day trips that don't cost a lot but are thing we might not usually do. If my husband suddenly wanted me to stay home and my friends were telling him it not "fair" to DH and his feelings are hurt because we are having fun without him I would look like this! <img alt="irked.gif" src="http://files.mothering.com/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="width:15px;height:15px;">

Am I justified in thinking DH is being a bit childish and unfair about this?

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