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Am I overreacting, because this bothers me...

828 Views 17 Replies 14 Participants Last post by  Nickarolaberry
It's been 2 years and almost 8 months since we lost little Liam and while I'm feeling much stronger these days, and am verrrrry busy with my other three kids...especially with the youngest being a toddler now...out of the blue little things will still really bother me. A few weeks ago my sister said she didn't like me mentioning Liam anymore (for the record, it is rare that his name even comes up anymore, so I took it as she would just as soon I drop it entirely) or seeing pictures of him (which I don't whip them out, but I have some up around my house -- a sketch of him by our staircase and a few more in my bedroom) because: " makes me sad and I don't want to be sad anymore...". I was so hurt...I mean I wish *I* had the choice to 'just not be sad' anymore, but I don't have that option -- he was *my* child. I love my sister very much, and we are very close, so that really upset me. I didn't know what to say -- I don't think I'm holding onto him in an unhealthy way, but I'm not going to just pack up his memories and shove them into storage just yet either...if ever. And why should I have to? I just feel like that was really unfair of her to say...I could see if I were bringing him up all the time, but that's not the I just have to never speak of him again? That doesn't quite seem fair. Am I overreacting here???
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You are definatly not over reacting. Your sister was wrong to suggest u just forget your child. Even tho he is not here with u physically he is always with u. To try to forget him would be wrong. I dont know your sister but i would hope she didnt mean it to sound the way it did. You do what you have to do to feel close to your son and if that bothers her then that is her problem.
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Well, as much as I love her, she has a habit of just saying things and not realizing how harsh they sound. She was heartbroken when I lost Liam, because we were pregnant together and she had just had 'Bella when I lost Liam. She came to see him in the hospital and came to the funeral. But within a few months, she was just kinda 'over it'. We were once having a discussion about going to church because I had stopped by on a Sunday morning and she was screaming at her kids to get ready to go and it was all so frantic and awful and the next day I just had to ask why she put herself through that on days like those where everything was obviously going wrong and she said that she feels like she has to go to church every single Sunday or God will let really bad things happen to her. "But," I said "how often do 'really bad' things actually happen to people?" and she looked at me and said "I don't know -- I would call Liam dying a REALLY bad thing..." because, of course, I don't go to church every month, let alone every Sunday. It totally blew my mind that she would say such a maybe if I put forth the effort to get to church more often, my son would still be here. That really hurt.
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Sister or not, I would have been really offended.

I don't think I would have talked to my sister for awhile if she said things like that to me. Sometimes you just gotta protect yourself *hugs* to you mama.

Take care.
Wow. She's got some issues.

I DO go to church every Sunday, but not so "bad things won't happen to me." That's just stupid. I go because I want to worship and honor God, and because that's where my spiritual family are (and actually, some of my physical family are there too!)

My Liam died last January. I have pictures of him up on my walls, including a gorgeous oil painting of him in a grouping of paintings of my other 4 children. I can't imagine EVER taking those down.

Wouldn't it be great to just be able to "not be sad anymore" and have life go on like nothing ever happened? No. Not really. My life has changed in many ways since my son died. Some ways hurt like crazy, some ways I know I am a better more caring person than I was before. Not that I was a mean nasty person, but I have more understanding in my heart of what it feels like to mourn and grieve. I can relate to people who are hurting because I feel pain in my heart too. I wouldn't want to just go on with my life like my precious baby boy never lived, never kicked and danced inside me, never lay in my arms so peaceful and beautiful.

I'm sorry your sister is so clueless. I hope she never has to find out what it's like to feel this pain and loss.

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Your sis sounds like one of those lovely "it's all about me" people. I don't think you are overreacting at all. Liam's loss of course is felt by her, but your feelings (hello! you are the mom!) are completely valid, and if you want to talk about Liam every day for the rest of your lives, she just has to deal with it. I'm really sorry for your loss, and mucho hugs to you.
I'm sorry Dawn, you and your sister are close why?
I dont know the dynamics of your relationship but it sounds a little one sided.
Your sister should understand suffering grief and loss its not like paying taxes when you have a deadline and you pay them and its overwith.
there is no time limit on grief and everyone is defferent you take your time. Besides having pictures of little Liam its not a bad thing or even nessisarily a greiving thing. Liam is just as much a part of your life as you darling lc he will always be part of your life you are his mother and you will always be his mother. Death doesn't change that. You never hear people say "he was my husband but he's gone now" or "he was my son but he died"
Ask your sister if she would like it if you asked her to stop talking about her children or not to see them. She may not talk to you for a while but I'm sure she will get the hint. It might do you some good for her to not be around for a while anyway it sounds like she really isn't helping you with the loss of sweet little Liam.
I'm sorry if this sounds a little harsh but I have been dealing with a similar sutuation with my brother and his girlfriend and I have no tolerance to this.
And the church thing I see tons of rotten mothers and parents with a whole hurd of little ones running around and nothing like this ever happens to them so going to church has nothing to do with Liam being returned to god.

Sending my love be good to yourself mama.

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Your sister needs to be smacked. Ok, that's a little extreme but you know what I mean. WTF is WRONG with her? Of course you're going to have pictures of your baby and of course you're going to talk about him. What kind of mother would you be if you didn't?

I never realized people were uncomfortable looking at pictures of the deceased until recently. I have photos of my baby on my living room walls and of course the newborn photo of him with his twin brother. A friend came over last week and apparently she felt weird to be looking at a picture of a dead baby. He was alive in the pictures!!!!! It's just like looking at pictures of any other baby. Even if he wasn't alive in the pictures, why would that matter? He was still my little boy and I loved him very much.
(heavy sarcasm here)

of course YOU should take down the photos (etc) of YOUR son because SHE doesn't want to be sad anymore. cause we all know it's about how SHE feels. and you shouldn't upset her or remind her about death or anything bad or even about how enduring a mother's love could be.

i guess if i were you i might just say right to her "if one of your children died (deity of your choice forbid of course), how would you YOU feel if i told you at some point you should just forget him/her, never metnion him/her and take down any reminders you might have?" and then i might just list off a few of the really hurtful things she has said to you and then said, "you really should be more careful about what you say to people, because you REALLY can be hurtful sometimes." and then walk away and let her simmer with it for a whie.

a good time to do this might be after ignoring her a for a while until she finally asks you why you haven't called her, etc. becuase then you'll have her attention.

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Everyone above took the words right outta my mouth! Gee, it's too bad that your deceased son has brought your sis down so much. Poor her. And it's also nice that she thinks she can just turn off her sadness like a faucet. YOU have to live with that loss every day, NOT her. She has NO CLUE what a child dying does to a person, and it sounds like she doesn't want to know.

I do not attend church, but I know plenty of people who do, and bad things happen to them, also. Sh*t happens. Period. If someone even suggested to me that if I'd gone to church I could have avoided my son dying, I would probably be facing assault charges right now. Seriously. Sorry, but your sis sounds like a COMPLETE ASS, no offense
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I would just tell her that it's your house and if you choose to have pictures of your child up, she has to respect that. That's a very big reason why I'm so particular about those we allow in our house--Ryland's memories are sacred and honored here...if you can't honor those memories, pictures, etc., I don't want you in my house.

Oh, and I go to mass every week and Holy Day and I still lost my son....losing a child doesn't play favorites--nobody's immune, no matter how "good" they are.
I have not read through the thread, but just wanted to say, since the death of my Alexa, I no longer talk to many people in my family.
They just do not get it, and I do not have the energy to "teach" them.

I am sorry about what your sister said. She is wrong, on so many levels. It is ok to keep the memory of Liam alive. Do we stop talking about grandpa after he passes? No. Only children. Our society does not deal with death well, let alone when children die. Many feel we should just move on. Sigh.

Anyway, I could rant & rant. You are healthy to keep Liam pictures up. Your sister is wrong.

Good Luck....
You know...I've kinda had to re-think the whole 'my sister and I are really close' thing after reading here. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it *is* very one-sided with her anymore. It's really become all about what's going on with her. She lives two hours away, so we don't see each other every week or anything, but even if I call wanting to talk about something with her, within' minutes she's got the floor and it's all about her, which is frustrating. I guess I never want to rock the boat so I never confront her about anything...we haven't had an argument since we were both in high school!!! I think that her opinion is a common one in our family though...that since Liam was stillborn, no one had a chance to really get to know him alive so really, what's to miss all this time later? Like I'm just being dramatic or inappropriate about the whole thing. It's a very lonely thing.
I can relate to the whole loneliness thing it sucks.
people just dont understand that the best thing they can do sometimes is just listen. I think why people wont listen to me or just wont stop talking about themselves is that they are uncomfortable hearing about Aden.
If you need to unload anytime Dawn pm me I have become a good listener.

hugs Brandi
Dawn, I really don't have anything more to add. The previous posters have taken the words right out of my mouth. Your sister has said some very innapropriate things. He is your son, his death does not change that, and you have every right to remember him with pictures and by talking about him. That she even suggested that you take your pictures down to make HER more comfortable shows that she cares more about herself than about you or your feelings. As for going to church every Sunday, nothing makes you immune from bad things happening. People die, even babies, and it doesn't matter how good or bad you are. That is something that I think we all have to get past as a society.
i don't want to seem harsh but this attitude of bad things happen to bed people really does bother me. maybe you should give your sister a copy of the book "night."

in there she can read about all the gentle, pious, dutiful, innocent, loving, and with-every-fiber-of-their-being god-loving people who were murdered by the millions and shoved into ovens during the holocaust.

i can relate to feeling lonely i have exactly 2 friends where i live, but it's good to be true to yourself in your choice of friends.
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Originally Posted by hankiesmama
Sister or not, I would have been really offended.

I don't think I would have talked to my sister for awhile if she said things like that to me. Sometimes you just gotta protect yourself *hugs* to you mama.

Take care.
yeah - i would have said something pretty harsh if someone said something like that to me. I would say Liam was a part of our family and still is a part in our memories and if you don't like that you are not welcome here!
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That's a pretty nasty thing for her to say.

I'm sitting here cuddling with my 2 year old daughter, whose twin I lost when I was pregnant with them. Noone, but NO ONE ever wants me to even mention the lost twin. Even my dh, who is a terrific guy, can't deal with the talking about it -- the attitude is, 'you got one healthy baby out of it, what's the big deal?'

The only person who ever can talk about it with me is my SIL, who unfortunately lost twin girls at 27 weeks (one born still, the other passed after a few hours, due to placental insufficiency and twin-to-twin-transfusion syndrome).

But it IS a big deal, no matter how much time as passed. Those spirits live in our hearts forever, and there is always a bit of an ache there.

: mama.
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