Um...I definately don't think you're spoiling him by responding to him. What does your husband want you to do? Ignore him? Does he understand that this screaming/crying, etc...this is your childs way only way of expressing himself at this point? It's not like he can say, "hey dad...where'd mom go? When will she be back? Hm. I sure do miss her!" ya know?!
Your 14month old is still an infant (in my eyes!) You can't just depend on AP for the first 12 months exactly & then expect to be able to immediately reap the rewards. It's an ongoing process--and let me tell ya--those first 12 months--THOSE WERE THE EASIEST! It only gets more complicated the older they get...you have to stick to your AP beliefs to be able to reap the benefits of AP kids.
I currently have a 4 year old. A 4 year old that is coveted by many, lol... He was ap'd as an infant--and ap'd as a toddler--and you know what? I still ap his butt today! LOL! If someone believes I may be spoiling him, that's their own opinion. I'm just thankful I don't have to deal with *THEIR* kids, lol!
The thing about dads...or at least for *my dh* I know this is a big concern--They don't want "WHINEY" kids. There is a HUGE difference between WHINING (to try to get something they want, etc) and having them express themselves through crying. Maybe you need to point that out to your dh? See--men don't always develop that 6th sense we have as mothers that help us distinguish between an "that's an I want mommy cry" or a "I waaaaaaaanttt tthhhhaaaaaaatttt" cry. Crying is Crying to most men. We have to protect our babies by LETTING them cry (the good expressive crying) especially boys, as they are usually hushed and quieted when they cry (especially by men)--expected to 'be a man' or whatever...Yeah, we don't play that around here, lol!
I'm just gonna go ahead and forwarn ya--The whole 15-24 month age was THE WORST (mentally, emotionally) for me as a new mother. I did *great* with the baby stage, but when he was an independent thinking child that couldn't express what he wanted when he wanted it--well, it about drove me INSANE. I swear, he cried more during that time period than he has in his entire life thus far! He was just so FRUSTRATED that he couldn't SPEAK--He couldn't tell me what he wanted or what he needed, and it would get to the point where we would both just CRY out of frustration! But, once they're vocabulary gets a little better, they seem to get a grasp on their frustrations (because they're COMMUNICATING & BEING HEARD/VALIDATED) they seem to be MUUUUUCH more easy going...until the next phase that is!
I would start off by talking to dh about the different types of cries--and be STERN with your son if he starts whining for 'something'...We nipped that kind of crying in the bud REAL QUICK at our house...he fell out ONE TIME in a drugstore where he wanted 'something'. I told him VERY CLEARLY that he would NEVER get anything from me acting like that, and I very quickly & sternly took him OUT of the store. He's NEVER acted like that in a store EVER AGAIN. He knows now the best way to get what he wants with me is to ask politely and be patient. He knows he may not get what he wants immediately, but I also assure him that I *want* him to have anything that I am capable of getting for him but that we sometimes have to WAIT for the things we want to be given to us. That usually suits him...for a while, anyway!
Good Luck. You're about to enter a toooootally different dimension with your son. I hope you and your husband grow to learn more about his communication and his different types of crying. It's important that you show dh that you will 'handle' the inappropriate 'whining' and I'm sure he would be able to better understand his 'expressive' crying. This is something you guys can work on as a team.
That's what dh & I did anyway! I pretty much handled all of the 'whining' and he was better able to handle the 'expressive crying'--which is EXACTLY what each of us needed, as I was the one who was more empathetic towards the crying & dh would give him whatever he wanted just to shut him up, lol! So that worked really well for us!!