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I'm sort of in panic mode now... STBX was giving me his sob story this morning when I dropped DD off about how he has to find a place to live and he is running out of options and he may just suck it up and try to reconnect with his Mom and Stepdad and go there!!!<br><br>
NOT GOOD!!! These are the most toxic people I have ever known in my life. I don't want my kids anywhere near these people!!!! But if STBX lives there... is there anything I can do??<br><br>
Like thinking about my DD around these people seriously just makes me want to vomit. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br><br>
Add to this my stress of trying to find a new care provider at 4 months pregnant! Because my parents are being narrow minded and controlling. STBX had to find out about that today because he asked about my prenatal appt that I'm supposed to have today... and I told him I wasn't sure if I was going because I likely have to find a new care provider. He said I would never take no from him on homebirth and actually talked him around into thinking that is the best way... But my parents are so different. Everything I have given them to read they just say it's hogwash. *sighs*<br><br>
I feel broken all over again. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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yes, you're still doing the right thing. don't let his games cause you to question <i>what</i> you're doing - but consider looking at <i>how</i> you're doing it.<br><br>
you don't need to hear his sob story. you don't need to tell him your personal business (regarding birth plans & prenatal care). you definitely don't need to give him the opportunity to dig into you with his same old script about "how messed up it is" that you are conceeding defeat on the birth plans at your parents' house after sticking to your guns in your own home.<br><br>
when you asked if there's anything you can do about your dd being around your in-laws, i was going to ask, "do either one of them have a criminal record?" but then i realized you can't insist on keeping her out of his home that he shares with a parent with a criminal record, when that's the environment you're bringing her into yourself. in what ways are his parents worse than yours? your mother demeans you and treats you like a child, and your step-father is abusive to her.<br><br>
can you go to a shelter?<br><br>
can you ask your birth community if anyone knows of a low-cost rental situation? can you ask them if someone is willing to open their house for the birth? i know you said you don't understand why anyone would be willing to do that, and you wouldn't feel comfortable, but it sounds like it would be no harder to ask that question than to find a new provider and no less comfortable than the hospital.<br><br>
leaving him is the right thing to do. i'm sorry his games are getting to you. are you in counseling at all anymore? it just seems like this "i can't" voice is your predominant inner monologue, if that makes sense, and i'm wondering if there's a way for you to replace that with, "i could try" . . . <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Is there a speechless emote?<br><br>
Both my doula and midwife have offered their home to me to have my baby at. I can't even type this without getting emotional all over again.<br><br>
I just can't even wrap my head around this... I'm not used to this kind of kindness and generousity.<br><br>
I told them how I was having to give up the idea on homebirth because my parents put down the veto hard this weekend.<br><br>
That is all I said and they both were like, Don't give up! You can come here.<br><br>
I am so grateful! But have so much inside struggle... I don't know how to accept kindness. I feel like I don't deserve this...<br><br>
Do any other survivors struggle with accepting kindness?
 

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YES! i was just going through the same thing this weekend. (sorry if i seem obsessed but i was kind of obsessively clicking back here because i was worried i'd upset you with my comments.) but yeah, remember i went "out" friday night with a girlfriend? we went to a basement show (so there is no bar). i was seriously struggling with people's kindness and generosity on a really minor level - like offering me a beer, hanging out and being nice to me. asking me how i was doing. stuff like that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/redface.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Embarrassment"> it's pretty pathetic. yet when it's someone else (like you), i know that people are good and want to share and help. it's not that i'm surprised about the way people act - it's a difficulty in feeling worthy of receiving what they are offering, i guess because we've been told we're not worthy. we're not even worthy of basic human dignity, so why should anyone go beyond that and actually be good to us?<br><br>
i'm so happy your midwife and doula are proving to be lovely people, and i hope you will be able to accept that, even if you don't feel like you deserve it, they do want to give this to you. don't deny them the pleasure and the blessing of supporting you through your homebirth dream!
 

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Consider it this way: you are giving them to opportunity to perform a kind act. Birth matters deeply to these women.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"><br>
(Can't resist and "I told you so" <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"> about others being willing to provide space for birth. You can do this!)<br><br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>JSMa</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15443641"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is there a speechless emote?<br><br>
Both my doula and midwife have offered their home to me to have my baby at. I can't even type this without getting emotional all over again.<br><br>
I just can't even wrap my head around this... I'm not used to this kind of kindness and generousity.<br><br>
I told them how I was having to give up the idea on homebirth because my parents put down the veto hard this weekend.<br><br>
That is all I said and they both were like, Don't give up! You can come here.<br><br>
I am so grateful! But have so much inside struggle... I don't know how to accept kindness. I feel like I don't deserve this...<br><br>
Do any other survivors struggle with accepting kindness?</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
 

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Discussion Starter #6
lol... I know, I know sparklefairy! I know I've been told numerous times that there was likely people in my birth circle that would want to help.<br><br>
I think the major road block is the way I feel in my head. I really don't know how to react when someone is nice to me. I get scared! And my knee-jerk reaction is to tell them no thanks, because I don't want to deal with whatever strings or attached, or feeling like they now have a right to control me because I let them do something nice for me.<br><br>
Not that I think either of these ladies would do that!! But it's what has always happened to me in my life... things that either significant others have done for me or my parents, often times they would feel it was a means to hold over my head and control me. My Dad has a tendancy to tell me how I'm a spoiled and ungrateful brat if I try to go against his opinion when they have done so much to help me in my life, saved me from several abusive relationships now...
 

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That's awesome! You totally deserve it. C'mon. Wouldn't you do that for someone in your situation in a heartbeat? I know I would. Hell, c'mon down to Texas and set up the birth tub in my house if you want.<br>
SparkleFairy is totally right on. You are giving these women a chance to help someone have the kind of birth they believe in passionately.<br>
That reminds me, a friend's daughter had originally wanted a homebirth but was on medicaid and ended up with a god-awful intervention-happy OB. When she was 39 weeks pregnant I was able to use my connections with the natural birth community to find her a free doula and a homebirth midwife who agreed to take her on practically pro-bono, and she had a beautiful home waterbirth a week later. I was thrilled, like, I seriously felt good about myself, to be able to do something concrete and help another woman have the kind of birth she wanted and deserved. Not to derail, but just to remind you that for those of us who feel passionately about birth, we WANT to help. So do us a favor and accept it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br>
As far as your STBX goes, wah wah. He's a big boy and he can handle his own living arrangements.
 

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Wow that is wonderful of them... I think you should totally accept if you'd feel comfortable there! I have a lot of trouble accepting kindness as well. I always think there must be some ulterior motive or something (even when I know in my heart I can trust them). I think accepting kindness can be very healing. You deserve to be treated well. You deserve to have people go out of their way to help & support you. Acknowledge those facts & allow them to help! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile"><br><br>
ETA: As far as STBX's living arrangements... sorry I don't know all the back story but do you have a custody agreement? Are there restrictions on where he can have the kids? I'm not very familiar with that end of things but I hope there's some way around it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/joy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="joy"> I'm so glad for you!<br><br>
I also struggle with people being kind to me in unexpected ways. We as abuse victims think we are worthy of such kindness. But we are! You are! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/heartbeat.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="heartbeat">
 
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