[NellieKatz]

Really? They say you will be a very lonely person if you don't hang around people who spank their kids? What a wierd attitude this is! I mean, first of all, is there a required number of friends a person is supposed to have? I'd rather have just two who share my same values, than two dozen who whack their kids. How would I enjoy their company if they were doing something so patently offensive and against my deepest held feelings?<br><br>
I used to get something similar on the subject of diet. When my guy was a toddler I wouldn't let him have candy...there are STILL some that I won't let him have. And they'd say derisively "you can't protect them forever." Jeez. What an extreme. I think that in both cases you are dealing with parents who are a little jealous that you're doing what is a VERY HARD THING to do. And they're not. You might be making them look bad. Just a thought!!<br><br>
Hang in there!!

 

[twead]

Oh so many good responses here. I think based on your history you have EVERY JUSTIFICATION of why you don't want to be friends with people who hit. Even if you didn't have the history you do, who are they to tell you who to be friends with. I think it is totally arogant on their part. Do you tell them how to make their moral decision? (Please forgive if I am overstepping boundaries here) I think that some deep soul searching or counseling may be helpful to move those demons a little further out, help you to not relive your childhood when you see others not being GD. It may give you an opportunity to be around some parents who do spank but not out of emotion, with the ultimate goal of being an example to others. Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about those who are abusive, I'm talking about those who just don't know any better and would probably be open to a more gentle way.<br><br>
I know both dh and I were spanked as children. I was not abused however. It was the only parenting method that they knew. I forgive them for their ignorance. I purposefully seek out friendships where the parents practise GD. I find it a good example for me. It gives ME tools to use instead of the ways that are ingrained in me from my childhood. I have to admit, I have spanked and yelled. Not proud of it. But as time has progressed and I continue to hang out with these wonderful mamas I am able to become more gentle, more understanding.<br><br>
Bottom line, these women are not seeking your friendship they are seeking validation that how they parent is ok. Abuse is never ok.

 

[Anna's Lovey]

I just want to offer my support. I would do the exact same thing in your situation. You're protecting yourself and your child by not associating with people who clearly are harmful parents and toxic friends. I wouldn't feel comfortable being in a situation where someone was using any kind of physical punishment on their kids, and I certainly wouldn't want my kid to witness that.<br>
Good for you for standing up for yourself.<br>
I also agree with the poster who suggested reporting the parent or abuse. I'm pretty sure hair-pulling is frowned upon by CPS.

 

[Kailey's mom]

I struggle every.single.day. with this. Not the urge to hit my daughter..but feeling like a failure to my grandmother for not spanking. I know it's irrational, and I'm not going to spank my kid for my grandma's benefit. She is on my case all the time, and she tells her friends how I discipline, and they of course side with her. One of her friends told me " I'm not sure you should ever have more children, because you're not doing that well with the one you have, you can't even control one <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> " I couldn't say anything, and my grandma had her on speaker. If I would have opened my mouth, I would have cursed out an 83 yr old woman, who may have dementia, idk" I was abused as a child, emotionally by the grandmother *she's mentally ill, undiagnosed, unmedicated* Sexaully by my, well, sperm donor who is now in prison forever!, and I have to admit, I was spanked, sometimes with the belt, yardstick, flyswatter, barebutted etc. So I made it a vow never ever ever to hurt my child, or let her be hurt!! Not as long as I can help it.<br><br>
I can't be around people who hurt their children, period. I know where you are coming from. Hugs!

 

[Asparagus78]

Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.

 

[Violet2]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Asparagus78</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14858129"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.</div>
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There's a lot of spanking in the US still. We have the Pearls after all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
So Canada must be ahead of the US in this regard.<br><br>
V

 

[butterfly_mommy]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Asparagus78</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14858129"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Maybe it's a cultural thing - I don't know what to chalk it up to, but I have never met a family that spanks or believes in it. I'm talking about people of my generation (our parents' generation tends to be more pro-spanking). I live in Canada, and have lived in 4 provinces in the last 5 years, and have yet to encounter any mom or dad who believes in spanking. It just seems to be moot and a given that no one spanks. As for doing it in public, I think there would be an uprising if anyone ever attempted it. Maybe I'm wrong, though... But yeah, I agree with OP's remarks - it would devastate me to witness it.</div>
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I am in Canada too and I am always amazed at how many people in the US are surrounded by people who not only spank as a regular form of "parenting" but brag about it and tell others to do it <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/yikes2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="yikes"><br><br>
I do know that my sister has lost her cool before and spanked my niece, the only way I know that is because I asked my niece in a casual way if she had ever been spanked and she told me that her mom has spanked her before. My sister would prob be horrified to know that I know that she spanked her daughter. I know my mom has lost it and spanked my niece once before as well because my mom called me sobbing after it happened and said how horrible she felt and that it was a total loss of control and she felt pushed to breaking. My mom was spanked a few times as a child and she spanked me twice and slapped me in the face twice as a teenager (again a total lost it moment and I let her know that she broke my trust in her) I also suspected that my SIL has lost her cool and spanked her children once or twice when they were young but again she would never tell me and I am sure feels embarrassed and shameful for hurting her children (this is purely speculation).<br><br>
I have never witnessed a child being spanked in public and if I did I think I would be freaking out and get security or call the police. i think that would be the response that a lot of Canadians would have. That would be truly horrifying to witness. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> My sister was challenging as a child and knew how to push grown-ups of the edge and I had witnessed her being hit when we were children (a few times by various family members) and I started screaming and crying as if I was the one being hurt (it felt like I was being hurt) I never want my DS to witness another child being hit by an adult.

 

[unschoolinmom]

I was never spanked, however I did get beatings with belts. As did dh and I know my family have used them on my children when they used to watch them (emphasis on "used"). We may have used to tap, but it is something dh and I do not do at all any longer as it hurts not only our children, but us as well.<br><br>
Yes, my family has already threatened that if they watch our kids they have the right to discipline them as they see fit since we are asking THEM to watch the kids, so they don't. They go to their godmother who is anti-spanking as well. I think it's also cultural as I know many of those in my community (I'm african american) will proudly use tools to get their point across.

 

[Kailey's mom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>unschoolinmom</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/14858502"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Yes, my family has already threatened that if they watch our kids they have the right to discipline them as they see fit since we are asking THEM to watch the kids, so they don't. They go to their godmother who is anti-spanking as well. I think it's also cultural as I know many of those in my community (I'm african american) will proudly use tools to get their point across.</div>
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Same here, I'm not african american, but most people in my community spank, we're in FL. The belt, flyswatter, yardstick, wooden spoon.. people dont' bat an eye when this goes on in our neighborhood <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">

 

[joanna0707]

I think OP made the right choice.<br>
I also avoid people and situations in which DS would be exposed to spanking or parents threatening their children with spanking or using harsh discipline. I'm Polish, some of my polish friends spank, yell, threaten their kids, I feel very uneasy around them. Last week I visited a friend I haven't seen in ages,she was constantly yelling, once she dragged her DD into a corner and forcefully kept her there,poor girl was crying all the time. DS was watching and listening very carefully, unsure what to do, I also wasn't sure how to react.<br>
A while ago I have made the decision to widen my circle of friends in search of parents who are gentle with their children, I haven't seen some of my old friends for months and to be honest I don't miss them at all.<br><br>
I agree with NellieKatz, I'd rather have two friends who share my values than dozen who spank and disrespect their kids.

 

[prothyraia]

Haven't read the responses yet.<br><br>
Depending on where you are, yes, not associating with parents who hit their children may lead to you being somewhat lonely. There are worse things than being lonely, though, and for you it sounds like being around violence towards children is one of those things.<br><br>
For myself, I continue to associate with family and old friends who hit their children, but I limit our interactions to settings where I won't be exposed to it. Adults out together, but no kids around. Families together, but only in my house where there is a no hitting rule. Etc.

 

[boheime]

I will not tolerate violenece against children. Anyone who thinks that is an acceptable way to treat children is not someone I would want to be friends with.

 

[my_baby_love]

I don't have the same past as you, but I also feel really wary about being friends with mamas who don't share the same parenting values as me. That's not to say that I have absolutely no friends who spank, but overall my friends have very similar parenting styles as me. And that's completely on purpose - I actively seek out other mamas who parent similarly to me and I do have friends <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">. Part of it is because I don't want my kids around some of that behavior, but part of it is because I am a better mama when I am around people who are also gentle and calm with their children.

 

[nudhistbudhist]

I think you are a wonderful example to parents around you... THANK YOU <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngbiggrin.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="orange big grin"> My dad beat my mom in front of us when we were little, and my mom spanked us with her hand, the belt and the wooden spoon...I cant watch any movies that even start to hint at domestic violence... I get physically ill and anxious. Anyways, I have caught myself starting to say the same things that were said to me as a child when I'm under the stress of a screaming baby and feel powerless to stop the crying... The words that I hear in my head everytime are the words of my parents, and they make me shudder when I think about them consciously, yet everytime my baby screams and screams and screams they are right on the tip of my tongue. I have not said it yet but I fear one day it may slip out....<br><br>
"I'll give you something to cry about"<br><br>
I wouldn't want my children to ever hear those words, from me or from any other parent that is talking to their child... So I am in total agreement to not having friends who spank or threaten violence.

 

[Evelynmia'smom]

I also had an abusive childhood and am very sensitive to any type of violence towards children. I would absolutely not be friends with someone who spanked their children...and I would not want my dd exposed to this type of violence. I have found maintaining certain friendships to be very difficult after becoming a parent...(friends who let their 10 week old cio to the point of vomitting, threaten their children, etc.)<br>
As a pp said, there are worse things than being lonely. As a survivor of childhood abuse the last thing you need while trying to heal and move forward is to be around violent behavior.

 

[Elizabeth2008]

First of all - good for you for speaking out when you see children being abused. It takes guts to say something to a parent when they are hurting their child. And no, you are not alone. I would never be friends with someone who hit their child. Admittedly I am fortunate because i live in city where most parents I encounter don't engage in this (or at least would never admit it). I don't know anyone who spanks. How is it different than a husband who hits his wife? It's not different, in fact it's worse because a child is even more defenseless. Some people may actually have good intentions and honestly feel it is a proper disciplinary tool. I guess I might distinguish (although i still don't think it's OK) between those people and the ones who, out of passion, grab their child's hair and hit them!!! That is outright abuse and I would definitely intervene if I saw that and might possibly report it to child protective services. What is that parent teaching their child except that it's OK for a stronger person to physically overpower a weaker one?

 

[Elizabeth2008]

By the way, I just noticed that you live in Brentwood, California. Do you really have trouble meeting non-spanking parents here?? That is right near where I live and I don't know a single person who would ever spank their child...

 

[Nicole McGraw Dorr]

I am in the city of Brentwood, in east San Francisco Bay Area. Are you near here or near the Los Angeles Brentwood area?

 

[Nicole McGraw Dorr]

Thanks to everyone for replying to my OP! I really appreciate hearing what you all have had to say! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">

 

[Super_mommy]

We must never allow our DC to hang out in such places.. Once it enters their head it becomes difficult..