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I posted some of this in Single Parenting... but I really need some help/feedback on what I should do from here. I feel at a sort of block or crossroads...<br><br>
The lawyer confirmed getting supervised visits or no overnights if the other party contests would be ridiculously hard if there is no drugs or alcohol involved. And there is not.<br><br>
So I'm wondering if I just write up what I want, and present it to STBX and hope he goes along with it? Maybe the only option right now is "give him enough rope to hang himself" and pray to God that maybe he'll surprise me and be better about putting dangerous objects away and what not... I DO NOT like having to roll the dice like this about my babies safety. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
But I'm going to have to borrow the lawyers fees to begin with... I don't have money for a long drawn out thing or to pay for extra testings, etc.<br><br>
The one thing is STBX definitely doesn't have any money to contest... so maybe there is a chance of working it all out between us?<br><br>
So then I'm wondering... do I offer him to watch DD in the mornings again? So far he hasn't asked what I have been doing for morning care while I'm at work, and he didn't ask about taking DD today, which actually surprised me since he made a big deal about coming to visit her last night.<br><br>
I guess I'm trying to figure out my boundaries and what is the best thing I should do. The same story throughout this whole situation... he just isn't abusive enough to totally cut him out. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug"><br><br>
I think I could deal with him seeing DD everyday in the morning and no overnights until we feel she can handle it and until he goes through the parenting classes his counselor recommended.<br><br>
Ideas, feedback, anything? I need to get rolling on telling him something because I'm not liking this limbo state I'm in. He hasn't apologized or asked me about coming home... he asked yesterday if I needed him to bring anything from the house to me. I told him I was fine. But I'm planning on going there tonight to get more clothes for DD and I.
 

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he'll probably want to have her on the same schedule he has his older dd. i'm not saying that's right - just guessing that's what he'll push for because, you know, he's not interested in doing any more work than he has to. a heathier person might agree to take his visititation while you're working so that each parent maximizes their time with dd, doing what's best for everyone, but not this guy.<br><br>
when the lawyer said overnights start "right away" could that have been strictly in reference to your dd1? the lawyer may not even be aware of what is typically done in the case of a newborn, since the situation itself (a newborn between divorced parents) is not typical.<br><br>
if you can both agree to the terms of the divorce without going to court, can you file yourself (without a lawyer)?
 

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Discussion Starter #3
I asked specifically about the newborn and pointed out that I breastfeed and he said he doubts it would be from day one or anything but again reiterated that PA is pushing for equal rights for both Mom and Dad.<br><br>
If we do come to an agreement... Technically I suppose I could file myself, but honestly, I do not have the mental capacity to figure out the forms and all that crap myself.<br><br>
The minimum payment for the divorce (which is what it would be if no court time etc) would only be $500, and that will cover the divorce, custody and child support. From what I remember looking around at lawyers when I got my first divorce this is very reasonable. I paid $350 for my first, which is the cheapest I had found, and that was no children or assets to worry about.
 

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Those are really great steps that you're taking. I haven't heard of many courts granting overnights in the case of a newborn, don't know specifically about your state though.<br>
One word of caution -- don't expect him to suddenly be the man you want him to be. He was a UAV before you left, he will likely be a UAV after you leave. Don't hold out hope for him to see the error of his ways. It'll just sap your energy. When you leave an abusive dynamic, you have to truly leave it, not just physically, but also with your heart and mind. Otherwise, the abusive dynamic continues, even if you've technically broken up.
 

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JSMa - You could take the paperwork to the Legal Advocate from your local shelter. She possibly works in the local courthouse where you have to file anyway. She won't give legal advice, but she can assist you with filling out the forms, answering questions from the perspective of understanding how to fill it out, etc. She may also have "ideas" that could be helpful, but be mindful it is not legal advice.<br><br>
I would ask for the strongest that you feel you can reasonably get without him contesting it. Is there something that he might think you really both want, but it's not so important to you? Start thinking of "bargaining chips", you can probably give him "things" in exchange for more restrictive visitation. And I would think it would not be reasonable for your DD to be on the same schedule as DSD, as far as the amount of time because I imagine that DSD is much older and ready to be away from her mother and can communicate much better than you DD. So sure, they can be there at the same time and continue to develop a relationship, but I wouldn't let him convince you that they should always be there together. I don't think that is what anyone has said, I just felt the need to clarify that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy">
 

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Discussion Starter #6
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Theia</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15399745"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">JSMa - You could take the paperwork to the Legal Advocate from your local shelter. She possibly works in the local courthouse where you have to file anyway. She won't give legal advice, but she can assist you with filling out the forms, answering questions from the perspective of understanding how to fill it out, etc. She may also have "ideas" that could be helpful, but be mindful it is not legal advice.<br><br>
I would ask for the strongest that you feel you can reasonably get without him contesting it. Is there something that he might think you really both want, but it's not so important to you? Start thinking of "bargaining chips", you can probably give him "things" in exchange for more restrictive visitation. And I would think it would not be reasonable for your DD to be on the same schedule as DSD, as far as the amount of time because I imagine that DSD is much older and ready to be away from her mother and can communicate much better than you DD. So sure, they can be there at the same time and continue to develop a relationship, but I wouldn't let him convince you that they should always be there together. I don't think that is what anyone has said, I just felt the need to clarify that. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/innocent.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shy"></div>
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It's funny that you mention that because that is something that I tried talking to him about last night that I wasn't comfortable with DD having as many overnights as her sister just yet... that's it could be something that we work up to, but I just think she is too young for it right now. And of course he got all bent out of shape telling me how messed up I am for thinking the sisters shouldn't spend time together. Note, that isn't what I said at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/orngtongue.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Stick Out Tongue"><br><br>
But then he retracted everything anyway because he doesn't know what second job he is getting yet and basically said the schedule can't be figured out until he knows when he will be working. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shrug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="shrug">
 
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