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With my last pregnancy, I wanted a girl so, so bad. But I would not let myself hope for it. DH had more boys than girls and our first together was a boy. So for 8 months, I convinced myself that I was carrying a boy, if only to prepare myself so that I would not be disappointed. I was heartbroken about it, though, convinced that I'd have a boy despite the fact that I opted to not have an ultrasound at all and therefore didn't have any idea until the birth.<br><br>
And I got a girl! I was so unprepared for it, after months of telling myself it was a boy, that I was not even able to accept it for the first few days. I was completely in shock. Then I felt bad because I'd shortchanged myself the option of daydreaming about the daughter that I actually had wanted all along. Talk about confusing. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/eyesroll.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="roll"><br><br>
This time, my emotions are completely dull about the entire thing. I want a boy only because my DH gets attached to his daughters, to the point of treating his sons badly and with unfairness. I don't want another daughter for him to dote on (truthfully, his favoritism makes me a little uneasy, too, for other reasons I've never let myself really think about). I want a son for him to shun, like he does with our 4-year old boy now, so maybe he'll get sick of the whole family and leave. How bad is that - to want a certain gender because your DH wants the other, and you don't want DH to even be around?<br><br>
I know I will love and adore whatever I have, but right now I have no real feelings at all. I've heard the heartbeat, I have felt movement, I've seen the ultrasound, and there's nothing inside me that really accepts this pregnancy. I know it is because I am so miserable and angry all the time with my marriage, and I am now dealing with so many other concerns too, like how to convince DH I don't want him at the birth but then who WILL be there? How do I even get to the birth center? It's such a mess.<br><br>
Sorry for the rant... just don't know what to do and I needed to get some of it off my chest. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> I'm sorry you feel that way. I understand it, though.
 

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This is probably none of my business but since you brought it up...<br><br>
If your so unhappy with your relationship is there some way you could leave him? Is there someone you could reach out to for help? Family or friends?<br><br>
I know these things are more complicated than simple black and white, but it's just tragic for you to have to remain in a relationship that you're so unhappy in. You deserve to be happy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lspelle</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/10311731"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">This is probably none of my business but since you brought it up...<br><br>
If your so unhappy with your relationship is there some way you could leave him? Is there someone you could reach out to for help? Family or friends?<br><br>
I know these things are more complicated than simple black and white, but it's just tragic for you to have to remain in a relationship that you're so unhappy in. You deserve to be happy. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"></div>
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Well, I was pretty sure it would be asked. It's a very long story, but I have left him (twice). I don't have family in the area and have been isolated from most of my friends because of him. I was at a domestic violence shelter for 7 weeks last time I left him. Believe it or not, that ended up working against me when it came time to face the legal system.<br><br>
I have five kids. I don't actually have custody of the older three. They live with their father in another state, and I voluntarily agreed to that back at the time of that divorce. I had a lot of emotional issues, and I have come so far in my personal life since then that none of those issues affect me whatsoever anymore. However, the fact that I am not with my kids is my biggest weakness... and my current DH knows this.<br><br>
When we went to court, the one and only time, he blasted me from every side with every lie he could think of. Of course, the burden of proof immediately fell on me. I could take psychological exams to prove I wasn't crazy (which I did) and drug tests to prove I wasn't an addict (which I also did) but it was just ongoing, everything he could come up with. I couldn't afford to keep my attorney - and his brother was paying for his. I didn't have proof of the abuse - no police reports, because it's 90% psychological (mental, verbal, emotional) and my kids were far too young to vouch for the physical "abuse" I witnessed with them (and in this state, even if it leaves bruises, if you call it discipline, they say it's okay - three trips through the CPS system in less than 18 months has taught me that).<br><br>
The judge said "all women cry psychological abuse - prove it" and literally waved her hand at the fact that I'd been in a DV shelter. "Anyone can go there," she said.<br><br>
He called me a devil worshipper. I don't go to church, I am no longer a Christian, and although I've never in my life been a devil worshipper, this is the Bible belt and they actually held it against me that I did not go to church - even though, get this, NEITHER DOES HE. He said I wouldn't let him... like I could stop a grown man from doing anything at all.<br><br>
It just went on and on, until he unnerved me completely. They let him take the kids for weekends, and that was all I could take. He'd laugh at me and say that he hoped I'd said goodbye cause that might be the last time I'd see them.. at least if his lawyer had her way. He was relentless. I stopped fighting and went back. In the months since, I've learned his biggest thing was that he didn't want to owe child support to yet another wife - it was not about getting his family back.<br><br>
Now I can't get rid of him. Whereas before I was completely dependent upon him for everything - he was the breadwinner and I was not even allowed phone calls to friends - everything is now on my shoulders. He decided he didn't want to work and I had to go and earn the income. All of the bills, the truck payment, the insurance, everything is in my name, and I barely make enough to keep us fed, let alone be able to get out and get a household set up AGAIN on my own. I'd have to break my lease, making it impossible to get a decent apartment anywhere else... and then I'd have to fight him again, and I still have no resources to do that with.<br><br>
To top it all off, I can't get help from the state with child care (4-6 month waiting list) or food stamps (because I work they will only give me $85 a month, even though I don't make enough to really feed us adequately).<br><br>
So I am d*mned with him and d*mned without him. I wish I could just get out. But you're right... it's never as black-and-white as that.
 

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I'm sorry you're in this tough situation. I wouldn't give up on the legal system because of one bad judge, though. I hope you can figure things out. It sounds like a bad situation for all of you.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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How completely awful for you! I hope you can find some solution! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

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wow. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. how far away IS your family? can you go to them? wherever they are?<br>
the only advice that I have is to document EVERYTHING. all of it, everytime. and if you feel uneasy about the daughter thing, if there is any proof of anything then document that too. that's the only thing that will hold up in court. maybe you could just get a new identity and flee the area completely and just start over.<br>
so sorry, just keep fighting, someday you will win.
 

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oh mama, I'm practically shaking from reading your posts. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"> I can't imagine what it would be like to be in your shoes. Have you stayed in touch w/ anyone at the women's shelter? Were they any help in terms of offering advice? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2">
 
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