[spyder]

For those of you who have been there. I recently had an unplanned c/s after a planned homebirth. After laboring here at home for some time (quite happy and content) I was transferred to the hospital (with chaos and upheaval ensuing). I was told about a week after the birth that I had a choice at the time (info that would have been helpful when there was still a decision to be made, not a week after the fact). Strange how some things escape you when you are under that kind of stress

: Anyhow, I find myself to be angry still with the people who were there with me and supposed to be protecting and taking care of me and the whole situation in general and what it means for future pregnancies. How long does it take to process and totally get rid of the anger and be able to move forward (as others around me no doubt think I should already have done).

 

[yamilee21]

It may take a long time... my son just turned a year old, and I am sometimes still angry about having had a C-section (after preparing for a natural birth at a free-standing birth center). I still get especially upset when uninformed people claim that the C-section "saved" my baby's life, when neither of us was ever in any danger or that my baby was "too big" to be born naturally (far from it). I also get angry when I realize how limited my future birth options are, as VBACs become ever more restricted. Nonetheless, time does lessen the anger. By taking care of your baby, you are already "moving forward." Just do your best to ignore the people around you who cannot understand what you are feeling. Perhaps you have a local chapter of ICAN that you can get in touch with when you are up to it.

 

[wombatclay]

Hugs mama....I'm so sorry you've joined the "c/s mamas club"

It took me a good year to make peace with my c/s and to stop feeling angry at myself and at the people I had with me for support. I cried every time I thought about the c/s for months, and was livid that my support people had "let me down" when I needed them the most. I know people were surprised that I wasn't "over it" sooner, so I know what you mean about that.

I delivered at a hospital with one of the lowest c/s rates and highest VBAC rates. My family practitioner had never had a c/s patient. My doula was highly recommended and supportive of natural birth. But when push came to shove (so to speak) I still had a c/s. My doula informed me that she "could no longer support me" as c/s was against her beliefs, my family practitioner bowed out (they can't perform surgery so I had some OB I'd never met before), and off to surgery I went.

However, as time went by, I started processing the c/s more and realized that what is done is done. I can't change what happened, but I can change my attitude towards it. I'm still not totally okay with my care providers...I will never recommend that doula, nor will I use that family practitioner again, but I can't let those feelings cloud the joyful memory of my dd's birth. But it took me at least a year to feel that way and to start seeing the positive more than the negative in dd's birthday!

So it takes as long as it takes...and every c/s mama is different.

You might want to check out the resources in the "Natural Family Living Cesarean Resource" sticky http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=401645 for ideas about physical and emotional healing after c/s. And good luck to you with your recovery and with future VBACs!

 

[~member~]

Yes, it takes a long time. It is a grieving process. So many people don't understand that.

 

[kristenok18]

I'm sorry that your birth didn't turn out as you'd hoped.

I tell myself that the main thing is that my ds was alright and we did what we had to do at the time. I don't know that it's something I'll get over, but I'm hopefull that I won't always have this ache about it. My planned homebirth turned into a c-sect., and that was almost 4 years ago. I'm still frustrated, angry, hurt, confused. I don't have any answers as to why it turned out that way, because I was too hurt to ever go back to my mw and ask "what in the he!! happened?". My mw wasn't able to stay with me at the hospital, because of exhaustion and then having to attend 2 other births, but I still felt abandoned (no matter how much I tell myself that isn't the case!). And then we moved out of state, so I felt (and still do) like the door is closed. I'm worried that if we're ever able to have another baby that I'll be forced into a repeat c-section, because vbacs seem to be so rare these days.

Kristen

 

[lizziejackie]

I am sorry for what you are going through. Just know that despite what anyone might tell you, it's OK to feel how you are. You are not cheating your baby or yourself by admitting you are disappointed/upset about how your birth went.

It takes some time to process it and make "sense" of it all. It takes time to let go. It takes time to move on. That's Ok. But, eventually, it will get better.

Hang in there. Try to find others that feel that same way, you will feel better knowing you aren't the "only one".

Hugs!!

 

[Mama Coltrane]

I agree.
Allow yourself to have those feelings as long as it takes and keep talking to others that have been through their own grieving process with the c/s. It helps alot.
It probably took a long time for me to feel better about my c/s, but there are days I still question myself, etc. The VBAC I had last August helped heal some old wounds, but like anything traumatic in life, a piece of the sorrow will be there. It can also make you stronger, like most traumas do.

 

[snugglebug14]

First of all, I'm very sorry to hear about your experience

I don't want to hijack your thread, so apologizes if it happens/seems that way

But, I want you to know that, like so many other mamas here, I intimately feel your pain. After a very traumatic c/s with ds (19months) both DH and I shoved any memory of it and the pain associated with it, into the background of our minds to focus on ds. We didn't want to focus on the pain becuase we were told over and over that the only thing that matters is the health of my child and me. I for one will tell you that it is not the ONLY thing, your emotional health is equally as important (if not more so) than your physical health. Yes, you both survived. Yes, you are both healthy. But, you STILL suffered a loss and that needs to be acknowledged and validated as often as possible. After ALOT of soul searching I am finally starting to come to terms with my c/s. I have been educating myself about what happened and why it happened. Some days it helps, other days it only makes me more angry. I can't tell you how long it will take to heal, or if you every will. I feel like it is such a long road ahead. But, I know that I feel so much support from others who have been there and recognize a c/s for what it really is, and not just a life-saving or routine procedure. You have to start by accepting yourself I think before you can move on to truly accept the whole thing. I wish you the best of luck in your journey of recover, as with any other loss it will take time and mourning and grief are necessary. Good luck!

 

[TanyaS]

I'm also sorry for what you are going through. As others have already said it will take some time to move forward. ICAN is a great place for healing. There are many women who are very angry about their c/s and everyone is very supportive of each other and encourages each of us to work through our feelings. I'm not sure mine will ever really go away, but I do know that it gets better with time. Your feelings are very valid. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise or give you the "at least you have a healthy baby" line. Yes, a healthy baby is important, as are your feelings about the birth experience.

 

[pampered_mom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by spyder I was told about a week after the birth that I had a choice at the time (info that would have been helpful when there was still a decision to be made, not a week after the fact). Strange how some things escape you when you are under that kind of stress : Anyhow, I find myself to be angry still with the people who were there with me and supposed to be protecting and taking care of me and the whole situation in general and what it means for future pregnancies. How long does it take to process and totally get rid of the anger and be able to move forward (as others around me no doubt think I should already have done).

Funny how that information only comes out after the fact, eh? I didn't find out until I was on the operating room table that I had a choice and that the dr could have been wrong. I found out at 1 yr how very wrong the dr was and how much choice I had in the matter. I don't think there is anything quite so enraging, hurtful, or disappointing as discovering that the person you thought had your best interests in mind perhaps did not - that perhaps the only interests they had in mind were their own.

I'm not sure that we'll ever get rid of the "anger" per se and I'm not particularly certain that we ever should. We've so conditioned ourselves (as women, as a society) that anger is a bad thing. I think that through time our anger will be tempered, but I think that keeping a little bit of that "anger" or "indignation" is a good thing. It's what keeps a fighting for what we know to be right. It's what keeps us questioning and challenging the way things are. Ultimately, I think it's what will drive us to keep pushing for change.

The way laboring women are handled (especially in the US) is absolutely UNACCEPTABLE - and if you've experienced that injustice you are absolutely warranted in feeling all of the things that you feel. Just don't hold it in. Find some place safe that you can express your feelings, whether that be with a knowledgeable counselor if that fits you or amongst a group of women who've been there. Check www.ican-online.org to see if there is a local chapter near you.

And, ultimately, join the fight in changing our birth culture! You, and all of us, can help change things so that hopefully, our children won't have to go through what we've gone through!!! That's what helped me the most (although, I certainly still deal with it to a certain degree, especially when ttc for the next one doesn't go as well as the first) in the end - when I decided that there was absolutely no way I would remain quiet. I decided that the only way things would change for other women is if I started adding my voice to the thousands of others who went through what I went through.

I'm so very sorry you had to join this unfortunate club. Rest assured that you find yourself among sympathetic company - only a woman who has gone through our shared experience knows how you feel. Keep talking.

 

[MommytoTwo]

It could take a long long time ... I am still angry about and reliving my first c/s almost 4 years ago.

 

[JanetF]

It took me about 2 years to recover from the grief of a TF to c-sec from hb especially when I worked out I didn't need to TF at all! It takes as long as it takes although IMO (and IME since I support a lot of women through healing from birth trauma) it takes less time if you can work at getting it out and have lots of validation. I love to see a woman angry because it means she knows she's worth it! Too few of us have an appropriately angry response to this situation. Do what you need to do to heal, feel free to PM me for some resources.

 

[Natabimic]

I agree with the others, it may take a long long time, then again it may not...I have had 3 cesareans and I have been angry since my first c/section exactly almost 5 years ago...(the 27th of this month, my dd turns 5) and not surprisingly, in the month of august I always get a little depressed...everyone is different but sharing your experiences, and talking through it with other ladies that have been there done that can be very healing...hang in there momma! try to use this time as a healing time and learn the most that you can so that when #2 comes around you can be prepared to make the best choice for you whatever that is...((hugs))

 

[AllisonR]

I was raging, bitter, disgusted.... not functioning, for about 6 months. I was functioning (sane) but still angry for the next 6 months. I spent a lot of time writing my feelings, researching the whys and hows and this really helped me let go. So the next 6 months I was doing much better, because I wrote my story, shared it, processed it, and understood a lot of what happened, even if I disagreed with my care.

But I got pregnant again, and this somehow brought all the bad feelings right back. Im now in week 25. Because I have made much better choices this time, I am feeling better again.

I think perhaps it is like a yo-yo. You cope. And it is idiots that think because your baby is healthy, you should "just be over it."
Allison

PS - wambatclay - what is this idiocy about your doula leaving you with the cesarean becuase she could not support a cesarean, it was against her beliefs! What kind of pedistal is this woman on? I wouldn't want my birth on my worst enamy, but may this woman have 5 cesareans, and may all of her support people walk out on her.

 

[GalateaDunkel]

Quote:

Originally Posted by wombatclay My doula informed me that she "could no longer support me" as c/s was against her beliefs

Ouch!

For real, what is with doulas? I see so many judge-the-client posts on the midwives/doula board, and now I've started to see things like this recently. I've never had a doula, and it kind of scares me, like they are supposed to support you, but apparently some of them (how many?) just bring on another layer of psychological BS?

 

[wombatclay]

Quote:

For real, what is with doulas?

Not to hijack the thread, but...I started training to become a doula (DONA) after this experience. I want to offer support to mamas facing c/s and those working on a VBAC from a BTDT perspective. Just because your birth doesn't go as you hope/dream doesn't mean you're not "worthy" of support. A care provider is there to help you have the best birth possible, and I really think some of the anger and pain of a c/s is feeling like you have "failed" in comparison to the natural birth you wanted and deserved.

The attitude of the care provider could go a long way to helping mamas realize they didn't fail, even when things don't work out the way you hope. One "key phrase" I learned during training is that you should think about "what will the mama remember?" and that a doula's job is to make sure those memories are positive ones, even when events start moving in a less than positive direction.

 

[atrain]

I am sorry you went thru that. Healing can take awhile. Reading and research can help you process but can also fuel the anger. If you like to read Rebounding from Childbirth: Toward Emotional Recovery by Lynn Madsen is a good book. I have also heard that Ended Beginnings: Healing Childbearing Losses by Claudia Panuthos, Catherine Romeo, and Peggy O'Mara McMahon is a good book for any loss experience in childbirth.

 

[Ammaarah]

I felt very raw, angry, and wounded for the first four months or so. Things started getting a little better when I made a point of getting physical exercise starting around four months. My abdominal muscles were exceptionally weak because I had been so afraid to use them. Once I got that back in shape (well, in shape for *me*) I felt a little more peace with my body post c-section.

Now, I am doing much better although the feelings are still there. I still hate hearing about women who obey their doctors the way I did and who are so obviously set up for surgery. On a mainstream board I frequent, I have to consciously try not to make birth predictions because it causes me too much grief. And I can't really handle first-time pregnant women very well! I have a few triggers and I have to avoid them.

 

[spyder]

You guys are great! Thanks for the support. Is there any way to get other people, who haven't been there but really need to understand, to really GET IT? Such as spouses, MW's?
Yes, I've gotten that comment, "At least you have a healthy baby" I was so furious and disappointed to hear that from someone who, I thought, should have known better, that unfortunately I didn't really say anything!
Wombatclay had some really good points about what the mom's remember, some of those comments just really stick. The feeling of failure is also something that is hard to shake.
I was also rather disappointed that I have always been the one to bring it up, no one thought to ask how I felt about the whole thing. I hope/plan to take this experience and use it to make other women's births the experience they deserve and desire!
Thank you all for your support.

 

[TanyaS]

Quote:

Originally Posted by spyder Is there any way to get other people, who haven't been there but really need to understand, to really GET IT? Such as spouses, MW's? Yes, I've gotten that comment, "At least you have a healthy baby" I was so furious and disappointed to hear that from someone who, I thought, should have known better, that unfortunately I didn't really say anything!

http://www.birthtruth.org/grateful.htm
This article might help you with some of this. I'm not sure anyone can really 'get it' unless they also experienced a traumatic birth. Even some c/s moms weren't traumatized by the birth and don't get it. You should consider finding an ICAN group or joining their online list. I know I already said that (as did another poster), but ICAN is full of women who *get it*.