Mothering Forum banner

1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
<p>I got a text message from a close friend who attends the UU Church I went to. I left in January due to time and crap with ex. I was on the board, etc.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So I get this message:</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend:  Hey you. Don't want to add to your emotional day (referencing my FB status) but did want to let you know that B was very busy at UU today.I love her to pieces but even I was hoping R would just take her outside so we could hear the service. :( I hate saying that but she was very very chatty and running all over the place etc. No childcare so she was put with the yellows but she refused to stay downstairs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Me: Oh sh*t I am so sorry!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend:  Since she is the only baby and only comes when Rob brings here, we can't afford to have Childcare "on call". I know you "get it". No please! No apologies! I  know what was going on . She's never been like that with you. She was saying "mommmmmy" too :( Not sad, but she was asking where you were.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Me: I am so sorry. I would have not kept her there, would have gone for a drive with her, a walk. He and I had a turn to sh*t day yesterday, insurance a mess, bounched chq in my mailbox for March CS, he called me a b*tch for being mad.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend:  I think I'll ask [husband who is pres of board] to talk with him. Maybe suggest he should take her out if she is chatty. It's like R just didn't hear her or thought no one else could. Honestly, never would have happened with you, I know this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Me: He obviously doesn't notice it. He is oblivious. Boundaries/ socially acceptable behaviour.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend: God he is such an $%#</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Me:  thnk you for telling me. He has her the next 2 weekends in a row. [husband] should talk to him soon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend gave more info on how ex crashed an event, showed up, hasn't paid, wasn't signed up, just wandered in as if there was nothing to it and he was invited. Ppl too polite to tell him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>We speak on phone, too much for texts. Find out that she was running around the sanctuary during service, his 8 yr old chasing her. Literally BEHIND THE MINISTERs PODIUM while she was giving sermon. 8 yr old chasing her. Running. During sermon. Rob ignored it just listening to sermon.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And ppl were annoyed and she is cute and all but she is 2.5 yrs old, vocal and chatty. And she was squealing, laughing. Rob was getting annoyed, told her to sit and shush and thought she would sit through the 1 hour service in the chairs with him. She finally yelled, no, not daddy, you shush!</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Friend said people were looking at him annoyed and frustrated that they could not enjoy service with her acting like this.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It was also heard murmured in the congregation that "Andrea would have never kept her here, she would have taken her out to play or taken her downstairs".</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He is so selfish he figured she was fine where she was so that he could get "his" Church time.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>So Board President is going to speak with him and I gave recommendation to friend to tell him to use SMALL WORDS, be TO THE POINT, DIRECT and do not try to pad it. He won't get it and will miss the point completely.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am embarressed but friend says that people a) knew I wouldn't have allowed it to continue if I had been there and b) knew that I wasn't there and it was no reflection on me or my parenting skills and c) she is 2 and a baby and little ones will be like that which is why they can be taken out by their parent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I am sad she was acting that way but know that it is age appropriate.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>More people were sad at the Church that Rob seemed to think she was fine to sit there and be shushed and just watch the service for an hour.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>And apparently people are getting pretty disgusted with him and his behaviour lately since he and split because without me there to keep him in line, shush him and direct him socially towards appropriate boundaries, he is just stomping through the tulips.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Wow... ready for this night to be over.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Thank you for listening. I really appreciate it. And for the record I am glad friend told me and i ask her to continue to tell me because R tells me that B does NOTHING like this to him, she is poorly behaved for ME at restaurants etc and it just continues on with me and he has no problem at all with her behaviour.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Oh boy. At least knowing that she is acting up and he is ignoring it explains why he says she isn't doing anything.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He also lets his kids do the same thing and have no boundaries, etc. Ie potluck lunches at church, I was in charge of them. I told him, stay with your kids, help them serve their plates pls. He said they are fine. One kid emptied bowl of strawberries onto his plate and took handfuls of crackers with his hands and walked off, his daughter took 7 (yes 7) desesrts (age 12) and piled on her plate when we had enough for maybe 1.5 per person and his 15 yr old had trouble serving himself (motor difficulties) and spilled all over. Ex was outside with coffee chatting. Oblivious.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Can I say again I am so happy to be out of that relationship?????????</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,475 Posts
<p>Good harpy... I am glad you are seeing that way- love it that you are glad to be out of it!!!  You will move on and things will get better he will always be her dad but these things prob wont bother you as much in the future....</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,733 Posts
<p>Honestly, it seems really pointless and bitchy of your "friend" to text you to tell you that. What was the point? You weren't there. You couldn't have done anything. You can't change it now it's happened. It isn't a behaviour that you can address with her because she's 2yo. She's just making you feel like shit.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>You are way too involved in your ex's life. You need to take a step back. None of this drama concerns you. None of the shit that goes on at a church you don't attend anymore concerns you. If he wants to be a selfish, self involved douche, that's up to him. So long as he is not doing anything that is dangerous or harmful for your daughter when she is with him just wash your hands of him and pretend he doesn't exist. You are feeding in to the drama when you can just step back and disengage.</p>
<p> </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
616 Posts
<p>your should not have gotten involved. you do not need to apologize for your ex's inability to parent. you are much too involved. if somone tries to text you about what rob does you should text back "i am trying to find independence from rob and his behavior, please do not talk to me about him." this was really not your problem and not something you needed to know. they could have handled it fine without you.<br><br>
 </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
<p>It was more that she was telling me that Becca was acting up I think. Sigh... her husband is the President of the Board adn I was on the board with him until I left the church. I left due to ex drama with his room mate blowing up. It was crap between who obviously disfunctional adults complaining about each other and room mate complaining about my toddler being too loud...</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I feel sad that Becca was acting like this in public and I feel embarressed that it was MY kid but she is 2, you know? She isn't going to sit quiet for an hour.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know friend told me on phone that she was concerned that there was no childcare for Becca and that ex's 8 yr old was watching her downstairs and she got away from him and came upstairs. Apparently in the middle of the sermon my toddler came running into the sanctuary squealing, ran up behind the pulpit behind the minister, ran around on the stage and then Rob's 8 yr old came running into the sanctuary, full thumping boots on wood floors, down the middle of the church yelling "BECCA NO!!" during sermon, ran up behind pulpit, chasing squealing 2 yr old to catch her to make her go downstairs again.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rob never got out of his chair. The minister kept going on the sermon. 8 yr old got her to Rob but she refused to go back downstairs to the children's program (small, less than 9 kids most days, short leadership, Becca is only toddler.)</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Before I left the UU church, DD17 was the childcare provider every week, paid by the church, to watch Becca from age 3 months on. When I left my 17 and 10 yr olds came with me.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Rob has a 15 (sort of, more mentally 10-11 yrs) and a 13 yr old that usually take care of Becca downstairs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Not sure why this didn't happen. I am worried she is going to make an escape for it out the building but apparently the 8 yr old was hot on her heels. *sigh*</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
<p>Doesn't sound like your daughter was acting up.  That's what two year olds DO when no one parents them.  They should have been addressing your ex directly on that.  There was no reason to drag you into it at all.  At least not to where you felt bad for your DD's behavior. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>It's tough going through the identity change from couple to individuals.  And your social circle takes even longer if there is a lot of overlap.  But I think the PP's suggestion to tell your friends that you need to separate and please don't involve you in talking about this kind of thing is a good one.  You might need to keep asserting the fact that you're trying to separate your lives...but eventually it will take and people will stop calling you about this sort of incident.  It's pretty much tattling on him.  Unless there is danger involved that you should be made aware of, they should take it up with him.  Up to the pastor telling him tha the can't bring DD if she's not going to be supervised.  That's between the church and your ex.  Doesn't involve you unless you were there. </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Without you to run interference, it sounds like he's going to start getting some real life consequences one of these days. </p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,800 Posts
<p>I agree with the others, you need to separate yourself from this.  If the church has a problem, they need to talk to the father because it's not your concern AT ALL.  After the first text I would have said "you need to speak to her father about this", and if the texts continue, ignore them.  Unless there is some sort of emergency there is no need for you to worry about it.  Either the church can put up with it or they can talk to the father.  That's up to them.  And there is absolutely no reason for you to be embarrassed!  For one, she's 2.  And also, you weren't even there!  You're allowing way too much drama into your life.  I don't have a father involved to compare it too, but as an example, my son goes to daycare - if they ever called me and said he was running around and being noisy and not listening, I would say, "well, deal with it".  I'm not there, his teacher is, and therefore she is responsible.  That's how it works.  And I certainly wouldn't be embarrassed, I would more just be annoyed that they bothered me over normal 2 year old behaviour when I'm not the person in charge at that moment.  The only time I want to hear from them is if there's an emergency.  </p>
<p> </p>
<p>Anyway, just my 2 cents!</p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
<p>Agreed and I need to try not to be embarressed by it.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know friend was concerned about how much supervision she has and is warning me that the church will not have childcare. The thing is, ex has no problem just letting her run around downstairs with the kids who are learning in the class and thinks someone will come get him if there is a problem.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>People are too polite to approach him and complain, or if they do they come and say "perhaps Becca would be more comfortable not in the sanctuary and people were having trouble hearing..." he doesn't hear polite, he needs black and white or not at all.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
<p>I did tell the friend to have [husband/ board president] speak to him, that I can't address that with Rob. Someone needs to approach him from the Church.</p>
<p>He IS really that clueless.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Safety concerns and supervision were raised... I told her if it is an issue that she sees that Becca is at risk to leave the building unattended, please let me know and I will take care of that right away.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div class="quote-container"><span>Quote:</span>
<div class="quote-block">Originally Posted by <strong>doubledutch</strong> <a href="/community/t/1348245/another-installment-in-as-the-stomach-churns-aka-ex-is-a-douche#post_16917020"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style=""></a><br><br><p>i would refuse to get involved.  she really shouldn't have brought this to you.</p>
</div>
</div>
<p><br>
I believe a large part of her concern is the chuch cannot provide adequate supervision fo rmy 2 yr old during service and ex is not doing so either. Becca could be carried out of the church by someone in the stairwells going up/ down the stairs where Becca was roaming or walk out the front doors of the church.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I have emailed the minister (a friend I had coffee with Fri night and we discussed some of this issue) to find out if she feels Becca is at risk. If so I will bring the hammer down on ex and tell him she doesn't go or she goes back to me for Sunday mornings.<br>
 </p>
<p> </p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,405 Posts
<p>You haven't been a member of this church for several months and will never be the one to bring Becca to church (especially since you are moving away) so there is NO reason why anyone from the church should speak to you about it. If they are too polite to tell Rob that he must control his children, then they must deal with the consequences. They need to tell him that he must provide his own childcare , not go running to you. And you need to stop bailing him out. If your daughter is not safe in his presence, then you need to take legal steps to have him supervised, but otherwise, it is not your concern what happens when she is visiting him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>I know that the two of you had a very co-dependant/enabling relationship and that you are working to untangle yourself from it, but the first thing you need to do is GET OUT OF HIS BUSINESS. You are getting a thrill from the drama and it is keeping you emotionally attached to him. You have to release this guy and all the stories around him and live your own life. Stop allowing mutual friends suck you into the gossip. You have to stop caring what he does in his life or it will continue to eat away at you.</p>
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
400 Posts
Discussion Starter · #13 ·
<p>Agreed to some extent.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Person who called me is "my" friend who was concerned about DD's behaviour and lack of supervision.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>None of it criminal tho</p>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,234 Posts
<p>I don't have a problem with your friend telling you about it. To some degree I think I'd want to know, just for knowing's sake. But it is 100% not your problem to deal with. It's good that you told her to have someone from the church deal with it.</p>
<p>Have you read codependent no more? It's a quick and easy read and has some good information. No judgement. Several of the women on this forum, myself included, are part of the founding members if the WCCC -- World Class Codie Club. But we're working on getting our memberships revoked. It's hard recognizing our own codependent behavior and attitudes. It's hard changing it. Seriously, it takes guts to take a fearless look at yourself and it takes guts to make waves in a way that feels alien. I totally get it -- I let my ex live rent free in my house for six goddamn months before he moved out. But anyway, it's so worthwhile to undertake that work and change those patterns. </p>
<p> </p>
 
  • Like
Reactions: Sweetflyfishfeel
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Top