Mothering Forum banner
1 - 15 of 15 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,453 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This feels like such a big step to post this.

I've been lurking in here for about a year. Even posted a couple times. I knew it was coming. I've been thinking about it for many years. Working on avoiding it for many years.
But I've finally realised I just can't keep this fight up alone. And if I'm going to be fighting so hard, it may as well be for my kids and myself than an adult who needs to do his own work.
I'm getting divorced.
Exactly when is up in the air. It will depend on what is most convenient financially. But I will be moving out of the USA and back home to Canada in the spring. I want to be divorced by the time I move so it feels like as clean a break as possible.
We have a house to sell so that will be a bit messy in terms of timing.
He won't fight me on sole custody or the move. He will pay alimony and child support. It will be very, very tight money but I will be a SAHM as long as possible.
It means giving up a lot. All my dreams of our future. But he blew those away years ago, if I'm really honest with myself. It means giving up the business I've only just begun in the past couple of months. It means giving up the first paying job I've had in nearly 8 years. It means being the only one to deal with 2 kids. It means all the hardships I've seen everyone here talk about. Not to mention the metric tonne of paperwork and numbers to slog through for re-establishing residency in Canada.

But it also means a sigh of release. It means not being under the weight of never knowing what mood he'll be in. Not watching him be distant from our kids and me. Not stressing over his mismanagement of money. Not being pissed of about his Harley being his first love. Not being lonely with him supposedly right beside me. Not being constantly embarassed by his behaviour. Not being sad that things aren't getting better.
I'll really be able to sink my teeth into figuring out what I want and who I am. To live my life with freedom of spirit. Getting the playfulness back with my children. Raising them the way I started and always hoped I'd continue.

So now I start planning out the journey you're all taking. I'm scared and excited. And greedy as it is, I hope to draw from the strength I've seen in all of you. Then of course be able to pass it along to others as I get it together.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
430 Posts


Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaDaednu
It means giving up a lot. All my dreams of our future. But he blew those away years ago, if I'm really honest with myself. .
I think a lot of us have been down this road. That hurts the most- the years of dreams. The past discussions of a happy life. The dreams of growing old together and having grandkids visit, etc, etc.

You sound strong and you sound like you have a plan. Hang in there and remember your strength even when things feel even worse.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,305 Posts
Feel free to draw on whatever strength we have at any given moment.
I am both sorry about your situtation but happy for your determination. Good luck, mama, and feel free to post about anything, vent about your frustrations, cry with us, laugh with us, and share your failures and triumphs. This can be a strange, sad road sometimes, but you'll be amazed at your strength, and you'll discover things about yourself that you never knew were possible. Hugs mama!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,112 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaDaednu
But it also means a sigh of release. It means not being under the weight of never knowing what mood he'll be in. Not watching him be distant from our kids and me. Not stressing over his mismanagement of money. Not being pissed of about his Harley being his first love. Not being lonely with him supposedly right beside me. Not being constantly embarassed by his behaviour. Not being sad that things aren't getting better.
I'll really be able to sink my teeth into figuring out what I want and who I am. To live my life with freedom of spirit. Getting the playfulness back with my children. Raising them the way I started and always hoped I'd continue.
...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,453 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thank you so much mamas.
It may sound silly, but that support means a lot to me. Particularly right now when I'm way over my head with paperwork and unknowns.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
16,735 Posts
There will be a time when you actually feel good and happy, believe it. Keep posting.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
102 Posts
Mama, I am right there with you, although maybe just a little further ahead.


Does your husband have any clue about your plans? How do you think he'll react?

My advice: Save as much money as you can. Work out all the practical details as soon as possible, like where you'll live, what stuff you'll take, etc. It will be SO hard to deal with any of that stuff if you're dealing with the emotional mess after you tell your husband you're leaving (that's where I am now - in the mess, but thankfully the details are already in place).

My commiseration: Try to keep your resolve. If you are unhappy, and truly feel that you cannot be happy with this man, then make the break. You deserve happiness, and a peaceful life. It will be hard, and he will be upset, but you can't spend your life unhappy. Just take baby steps - day to day, hour to hour, towards your goal. Time heals a lot, and one day living on your own will be normal, and wonderful.

-Katy
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,832 Posts
s MamaDaednu.

It means not being under the weight of never knowing what mood he'll be in. Not watching him be distant from our kids and me. Not stressing over his mismanagement of money. Not being pissed of about his Harley being his first love. Not being lonely with him supposedly right beside me. Not being constantly embarassed by his behaviour. Not being sad that things aren't getting better.



in a way i'm glad to see you here, because you're one awesome mama and it will be nice having your input / advice / thoughts / comraderie.
ETA ~ good luck with everything.

 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,040 Posts
Welcome mama. It sounds like you are following your heart. You have a great attitude and I think you'll do just fine. Feel free to ask questions / vent / cry / scream / or share your happiness any time you need to
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,453 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Thank you thank you thank you, mamas.

mountain~ I do believe that. Things will work themselves out.

Belovedk~ That's the aim...

Katy_R~ Absolutely he knows. I couldn't hide something like that. It's just not in me. I was away for a week and broke it to him the second I returned. He knew it was coming. We're working out everything right now. So we have as much time to plan as possible. We're crunching numbers and working on the paperwork involved in going back to Canada. And yes, saving money...though the sale of the house will help.

Klothos~ Wow...thanks. I didn't know I'd been "noticed" around mothering. It's nice to know I exist.
Not to sound TOO silly, but you know, it's such a big place and all.

Jillian~ Funny you should say that. I've been okay with things since I told DH. And then today I got all misty eyed. Didn't cry...didn't let myself at the time...but now I know it will come at some point soon. I wish I didn't still love him.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
12,633 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by MamaDaednu
I wish I didn't still love him.
that is the key isnt it mama. the source of all the pain. without this u would just be angry and frustrated.

the pain didnt go away for me till 2 years after separation i suddenly realized i dont have to stop loving him. i just have to love him differently. just appreciate his good parts without constantly letting his bad parts hurt me. and that was the first little step towards healing. i still love and appreciate who he is. and accept he is not the same man i married. the hardest for me was being lonely with him right there next to me and yet not there.

u know nothing will give u the power of empowerment when u realize how you CAN do it. when u have survived and suddenly realize one evening that u r actually doing it single handedly and enjoying it.

you have the strength to do it. and best of all for now you still get to be a SAHM for your kids so that separation is not another thing u add to all that is going on.
 
1 - 15 of 15 Posts
Top