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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Just wondering how to help toddlers get back into their groove after a new baby comes. Oscar and I were super tight before baby Olive arrived. Now he hates me. He constantly ignores me, cries when he has to come home with me and generally just mopes around when I'm with him. It breaks my heart. I am the one who is with him the whole day. Feels like I'm making his life horrible by just being around these days!!<br><br>
Any ideas how we can get back on track? I can't figure out how to balance this. Everyday my goal is to get Oscar back, but each day the plan seems to fail. He just seems so sad or angry when he's with me.<br><br>
Sara, Oscar (04/11/26), Olive (07/04/21)
 

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Hi Mama! I too have a toddler and newbie!<br><br>
Can you have just Oscar time w/mama while your wee one is sleeping or has just nursed and can go w/ papa? If not then I'd say plan a fun outing with all of you, if you can (I know 1st hand how hard it is w/2 little ones!) If not then maybe oscars fav. story to read w/mama?<br><br>
When my DD is in a funk, I find that if I am being fun and laughing with games and crafts, this helps her be more open etc......Sorry wish I could be of more help!<br><br>
~Blessings!
 

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Hi there, it's a hard time, everyone's absorbing the change and adjusting. Lots of strength to you!!.<br><br>
My daughter (then 2 yrs 2 mos) did a lot of yelling and crying and long tantrums over the first 6 weeks or so after our son was born (Jan 8 2007). It was really hard; she was lovely with new baby, but had long (eg half hour) raging tantrums about lots of things, sometimes pushing or kicking us away. The triggers ranged from things like wanting to be carried or breastfed more- and I had limited capacity with back pain & toddler-induced breast pain - or just wanting water in a different cup. I did quite a bit of crying along and feeling really sorry for her; 'what have we done?!' kind of thing.<br><br>
We eventually worked through it by understandi9ng it as an expression of the huge turmoil for her in adjusting to the new bigger family. We worked on accepting her feelings, not trying to change how she felt, just staying close as was physically safe, cuddling her if possible, and listening and letting her know we heard her, and would be there with her because we love her. THings like saying 'I hear that you're feeling really bad. I'm staying here with you because I love you and don't want to leave you alone feeling like that'. A bit corny, but it was useful to help me stay focussed as well as - apparently - useful for her. Also sometimes reassuring her that it was ok, the strong feelings are ok, or 'this seems like some yukky feelings have to come out now'. Also seemed to help when calmer trying to figure out what feeling might be underlying her upset - e.g. feeling rejected because inevitably less attention and time, so reject back - and asking her if she's feeling angry or sad or scared or whatever.<br><br>
Distractions like outings with friends - for her alone or her with dad - would often boost her for a while, or at least, I think, give her something positive to hold on to. At that time she didn't want to have special time with me, she wanted the baby to come too ('because I LOVE him!'), but outings all together to favourite places did help. SEcond born did not get the considered quiet times for sleeping!!! - sling a saviour.<br><br>
It's hard not to take it to heart, but I think that's the challenge. These 4 months have provided me with many more opportunities for personal growth!!! And it DID PASS after about 6 weeks. Hope some of our experiences might help you too.<br><br>
Allison
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thanks for the replies, ladies. I'm starting to realise that he doesn't hate me. His feelings are natural and I just need to continue being there for him....when he wants me. It'll all work out. Just feels so weird that a few months ago it was me he wanted to sleep with or hug or kiss. Now its just me he wants to hit, scream at generally be unhappy with.<br><br>
Things slowly seem to be looking up. Today he held my hand!!!!<br><br>
Sara, Oscar (04/11/26) and Olive (07/04/21)
 

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mY DS was the same way. For us the best is time alone, just w/ me and my #1ds. It is usually the bath at the end of the day, sometimes just playing w/ him while the baby sleeps. My #2ds is 8 mo and we are still adjusting. It takes time. I tell that to myself also every day!
 

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I know it's not very encouraging, but giving him a safe space to let out his angry and hurt feelings, even if directed at you, is going to be good in the long run. He'll feel more secure, and know that you will keep on loving him just the same, even if he's having a hard time. He's learning that you trust him, and that it's OK for him to have these feelings, instead of being a bad boy and being forced to hide them or redirect them or some other unhealthy behavior.<br><br>
In our house, we say "the one that deserves it the least, needs it the most," ("it" being extra love and attention)... when a kid is really acting out and driving me NUTS, it's usually a sign that I need to really buckle down and listen to what's on his mind, spend some time with him, find something good to acknowledge or admire...<br><br>
Good luck, mama! It WILL get better soon, I promise!
 

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Excuse me if this has been mentioned- as I have only skimmed previous replies.<br><br>
Something we did with our daughter was take her out alone, without baby, at least one a week. If hubby and I couldnt go together, then I would go alone, since it was usually be caring for the baby- I knew she needed my attention more.<br><br>
Seemed to work well! We didnt have much of a problem, and when she started getting a bit nutty, I'd devote all my time to her when baby's nap came around.
 

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You have received awesome advice - I would only add that sometimes it takes quite a while. My son took nearly 3 months to get back to "normal" after dd was born. We did lots of what was suggested here, etc., but time was definitely a factor in him adjusting to this new little person on Mama's lap!<br><br>
I promise it gets good - it doesn't seem like it at first, but it is a lot of fun. Good luck!!!
 
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