[User101]

I'm starting this to be a positive and productive thread.

I know sometimes when we breastfeeders hear "excuses" why women choose not to breastfeed, we tend to automatically judge those excuses as stupid, selfish, and lazy. I thought it would be a good idea to have a thread that could turn unproductive judgement into lactivism.

So...

maybe we could share different excuses we have heard and how we have positively (and hopefully, gently) addressed them?

I'll start. My "baby" sister formula fed her first two, but breastfed her third for six months. While I would have loved it had she nursed for at least a year, I tried very hard to support her when she called me--and she called me A LOT. It seemed as if every little tiny bump in the road was a huge insurmountable boulder in her way. So, I tried very hard to remind her that while breastfeeding was in some ways more labor-intensive than formula feeding, she was giving her child such a gift with every single drop of breastmilk. And I praised her happy, chubby breastfed baby every chance I got.

 

[User101]

Oh, and another one was "I just didn't feel I had enough milk."

Often I look surprised and say, really? Why did you think that?

Then they will more likely than not say they're doctor told them so.

So I ask, well, how did he/she know?

This often allows a discussion of the real issue (my baby was always nursing = growth spurt, my baby wasn't gaining weight = supply issues perhaps) and I try to slip in the importance of LLL or meeting with a lactation consultant. Having these discussions has led a few women to breastfeed their subsequent children with a greater and more knowledgable supprt system behind them.

 

[ShadowMom]

I think it's important to validate the feelings of the person, instead of just refuting them.

If someone says they didn't have enough milk, or were afraid of that, maybe a discussion could go "Oh really? It's hard to tell that the baby's getting enough, isn't it? When my baby was born I was afraid of that too, so the LC weighed her for me every week. THat helped reassure me."

 

[User101]

Oh, I agree with this! I think when we come out with guns blazing telling people why they're wrong or selfish or stupid, we often miss what they were REALLY trying to say.

 

[ShadowMom]

I just wanted to add a thought. The title of this thread is "Answering Excuses". I think that is a very negative way of viewing a woman's reasons for not breastfeeding or stopping early.

I think as lactivists we should remember all of the incredible pressures put on women to stop breastfeeding and try to be more in tune with that. Lots of times, the woman's DH may not be supportive or may feel threatened by bf'ing. Or, there may be relatives that don't support it.

I can tell you from experience, it is very difficult to keep going when people don't support you.

Also, there is the way our culture makes us feel about breasts... I think some women are afraid their bodies won't be as attractive if they breastfeeding (maybe their breasts will sag, etc.). And who can blame them - if you are a female, your body is one of your commodities, unfortunate as that may be.

All of this is just to say that - I think referring to a woman's reasons for not breastfeeding as "excuses" can be a rather arrogant way to dismiss all of the multitude of things women have going against us when it comes to breastfeeding.

 

[Nisupulla]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KristiMetz I just wanted to add a thought. The title of this thread is "Answering Excuses". I think that is a very negative way of viewing a woman's reasons for not breastfeeding or stopping early.

 

[Tonia80]

I agree, often they really are just excuses but on teh other hand theer are many moms who just lack teh education or support when it comes to breastfeeding. I know, i was one of those moms. Twice I weaned due to my own lack of education. the firsttime was with my premature son. I realize now that if I had sought a LC I probably could have gotten over the latch hurdle. Then with my second son i weaned due to medicine I had to take, I wish I had known there were alternatives and that I could have requested one. So, I tend to be more open minded as I have been there. BUT there are mothers out theer who have told me they weaned cuz teh baby was nursing too much and they got sick of it, etc....
I try to mostly keep my mouth shut unless they ask for advice or are planning on trying to nurse another child. Because to me, what use are the what if's? So many moms regret weaning and it makes it worse to tell them they made a mistake. I dont offer my input unless it is really needed.

 

[User101]

Quote:

Originally Posted by KristiMetz I just wanted to add a thought. The title of this thread is "Answering Excuses". I think that is a very negative way of viewing a woman's reasons for not breastfeeding or stopping early. I think as lactivists we should remember all of the incredible pressures put on women to stop breastfeeding and try to be more in tune with that. Lots of times, the woman's DH may not be supportive or may feel threatened by bf'ing. Or, there may be relatives that don't support it. I can tell you from experience, it is very difficult to keep going when people don't support you. Also, there is the way our culture makes us feel about breasts... I think some women are afraid their bodies won't be as attractive if they breastfeeding (maybe their breasts will sag, etc.). And who can blame them - if you are a female, your body is one of your commodities, unfortunate as that may be. All of this is just to say that - I think referring to a woman's reasons for not breastfeeding as "excuses" can be a rather arrogant way to dismiss all of the multitude of things women have going against us when it comes to breastfeeding.

You are absolutely right. I put "excuses" in quotes in the body of my post ug not the title. I'm going to add quotes to the title, but if you can think of a better word I would be more than happy to change it.

 

[Sarah]

I usually try to find something positive to say about what they did achieve and to restate it in a way that they *hopefully* will identify with and remember with greater joy- so that *hopefully* they will focus on the positive aspect that breastfeeding played in their life rather than whatever negative they are dwelling on. So many people take their sad story and they drag it around with them like a big old bloated carcass for decades making sure that everone within earshot gets a whiff of their misery over the experience... if you can get them to identify with a positive thing- they might have something positive to share with people (daughter, friends, daughter-in-law, coworkers etc) I'd love to give people "Gee I never looked at it that way before" moments...

and I owe it all to that fantastic waitress who shared a beautiful POSITIVE story with me once.

 

[CalebsMama05]

my sister has told me several times that she makes enough for the first two weeks and then she runs out of milk...that she has to *wait* all day for her to fill up with enough milk for her to feed her baby even one meal. I have been trying to describe the way that milk production works but every time I do she says "well my boobs don't work like that" I feel like if I could just find the magic words that she will believe me and really LISTEN to what i'm saying and give it one last shot (she's due sept 29)

 

[chibolita]

I certainly wish I had someone to talk to when I had my daughter. My first born was premature and passed away in the NICU. The next year, my daughter was born 4 1/2 weeks preemie and of course, you think the nurses know best. So, she got formula in the hospital for the first week as I was told that I "needed to wait until my milk came in". I asked the nurse to show me how to use the pump a couple of days after my daughter was born and she took me in the room and we started talking about my son. She said, "oh, I don't know how people who lose 5 year olds do it." I was sickened that she would say that my son's life wasn't worth as much as a 5 year olds. Then, she pointed to the pump and gave me no instructions or anything. So, when my daughter came home, I pumped. I pumped and pumped thinking that it would be sufficient since my nipples were so large and she was so small. I had such a feeling of inadequacy having a premature baby and felt so guilty. Well, after two months I couldn't understand why my milk dried up. If I only knew about lactation consultants or LLL then. To top it off, my sister in law, who nursed both of her kids for one year, told me years later that she knew I was going to lose the milk, but didn't say anything. How nice. So, yes, it would have been really nice if a BF mom had approached me and encouraged me. So keep encouraging where you can. Some woman are like me, and if they could do it over, would do it another way. God bless you all and here's to healthy babies.

 

[User101]

Quote:

Originally Posted by CalebsMama05 my sister has told me several times that she makes enough for the first two weeks and then she runs out of milk...that she has to *wait* all day for her to fill up with enough milk for her to feed her baby even one meal. I have been trying to describe the way that milk production works but every time I do she says "well my boobs don't work like that" I feel like if I could just find the magic words that she will believe me and really LISTEN to what i'm saying and give it one last shot (she's due sept 29)

Oh, I have a good standard answer for this one-- "They're not warehouses; they're factories." It helps for mamas to get away from this idea that there's a finite amount of milk in there.

 

[hawkfeather]

Quote:

Originally Posted by annettemarie Oh, I agree with this! I think when we come out with guns blazing telling people why they're wrong or selfish or stupid, we often miss what they were REALLY trying to say.

I think this is a great thread idea!! i do agree the title may not portray what the intention of the OP is.

But I also wish that we could move away from things like the above sentiment. I am biased i accept that, but from where I sit this attitude about lactivists is almost always unfounded. Discussing our feelings about formula here in amongst other lactivists does not mean we attack FFers.. and i really do not know ANY lactivists that act like this.

Of course there are a few but I think an important part of being a lactivist is supporting the movement. Moving away from attitudes that suport the idea that we are breatsfeeding *nazis* who treat women like they are stupid.

But i am happy to read what others say as useful tools to help promote and educate!!!!

 

[chibolita]

Well, I didn't know it wasn't a warehouse in there. Didn't have enough knowledge to ask the question. However, because of my efforts she did get 2 months worth. So I take pride in that. That's why I use my experience to help others.

 

[siobhang]

recently I have started correcting moms who say "I couldn't breastfeed, I only breastfed for X period of time" - I say "No, you DID breastfeed, you just were unable to continue as long as you wished. And perhaps next time, knowing what you know now, you will be able to breastfeed for as long as you wish."

So far, I find very positive responses to this approach. It has opened up the discussions of why they weaned, the problems they faced, things they would try this time, etc. It focuses on what they did do, and (hopefully) encourages them.

I think changing the title to "correcting misinformation" rather than answering excuses might be more in line with OPs thinking.

I also will absolutely correct any misinformation I hear, and cite sources whenever possible. I try hard to not be a "knowitall" with this information - rather a "hey, did you realize that actually x is quite normal..." or whatever.

Siobhan

 

[KrystalC]

Quote:

Originally Posted by annettemarie You are absolutely right. I put "excuses" in quotes in the body of my post ug not the title. I'm going to add quotes to the title, but if you can think of a better word I would be more than happy to change it.

Perhaps changing the title to "Responding to reasons for not breastfeeding" or something of that nature would more clearly describe the intent of the post.

Great thread by the way! I'm not breastfeeding yet as my son isn't finished baking, but I have learned soooooo much from reading everything here. I feel as though I have a really good head start and am hoping to use the information I have learned here and from other resources to keep going for at LEAST a year.

 

[HeatherKae]

I find that most women who come up to me with their "excuses" are looking for affirmation for formula feeding, not education. They want me to nod my head and say it's okay they didn't bf.

Everyone from my mother in law, my sister in law, my cousins, to complete strangers at the zoo, park, grocery store, airplane, you name it. They feel the need to unload their breastfeeding guilt on me just looking for assurance that they did the best they could.

I just don't feel like playing.

 

[tiffany21074]

hmm, i understand your frustration. i too struggle with how much to identify and sympathize, but to not make it seem like it is perfectly ok if they choose to ff. (of course baring women who really cant) i think the approach should be different perhaps with someone who may have another child, or one on the way, rather than someone who is done having children, and the past is the past, and there is no reason to dwell on it, kwim?

 

[chibolita]

When I see nursing mothers, I always look at them and smile. Part of me is jealous, part of me is sad, part of me feels like a bad mother, but I in no way want them to feel bad for nursing in public. I congratulate them on their success and wish I could turn back the clock and give her more than two months. Also, in no way am I looking for justification by telling my story. I always knew breastmilk was the ultimate, but was just not properly prepared. But, next time I'll be prepared and who knows. Maybe I'll give my daughter, who will probably be 6 by the time the next baby comes, my extra breast milk.

 

[hazelnut316]

I was just wondering about this. My cousin was BFing, but complained about everything---supply, length at breast, spit up, had to eat cold meals...you name it! She just called to tell me she gave up because it hurt her shoulders. I didn't even know how to respond to that. She said that she needed to take care of herself and now she was going to need therapy for her back and shoulders. I was so frustrated! I offered different positions, but I know that the real reason she quit was because she didn't want to take the time to do it. She's a little self-centered, so how do you respond gently to that?