[dulce de leche]

Does anyone else ever struggle with this concept? I believe that GD is so much more than the absence of spanking. Yet so often, especially IRL discussions on discipline, it all seems to focus on the spanking issue. I find myself honing in on the spanking aspect, even when I don't believe that is the true issue some times.<br><br>
Is it because spanking is easier to discuss than shaming or emotional wounds?<br><br>
Is it that we still think in terms of doing-to rather than working with?<br><br>
Dh and I were talking about how important it is that parents have something to replace the spanking mindset. I don't want to be "anti" as much as "pro" mutual respect and cooperation, yk?<br><br>
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I was hoping that some of you wise posters could help me articulate this more clearly.

 

[EviesMom]

IMO, and I think this is even part of this board's sticky, "gentle discipline" can mean natural consequences, time outs, even other punishments that are not physical. NVC, non-violent communication, or consensual living, on the other hand, sound more to me like what you're talking about.

 

[dealic]

I think its because most people are still stuck at the spanking level. Breaking free from that is still a feat for so many, that they don't think of anything beyond that. It may only be the first step, but as the first one, it seems the biggest to people. Many people work HARD to even get to the no-spanking mindset, and to keep it, that they can't imagine working harder for other things that seem less important. I've never understood how psychological wounds were thought of as less than physical ones, but they so often are.

 

[Iris' Mom]

GD is much more than anti-spanking, but there are many who struggle with spanking and find GD to help deal with this issue. Then they start to get into its other aspects. For me, I have never had any impulse to hit a child, but I can be a screamer when I'm angry. I turned to GD first in part as a means to control my own negative impulses, but it encouraged me to look more into GD/AP as a parenting philosophy.

 

[chfriend]

Anti-spanking seems like a necessary first step on the gd journey. It's a tremendous hurdle for some.<br><br>
I think the reason it's easier to discuss spanking vs. hurtful words is the same reason that it's harder to discuss and confront relational aggression than physical aggression. There are more subtleties to relational aggression.

 

[Fuamami]

Honestly, I have a friend who spanks (rarely), and she is far, far gentler than a couple of my other friends who would never spank. She is mostly very respectful of her children, and is tuned into their behavior and needs. Her expectations are age-appropriate, as opposed to a friend of mine who puts her dd in T/O probably 30 times a day. She shames and scolds her in front of us (dd is 4.5), and runs her down in her hearing.<br><br>
So, I don't know. I don't think just not spanking makes gentle discipline.

 

[mommyof3andcountin]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>natensarah</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9408077"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Honestly, I have a friend who spanks (rarely), and she is far, far gentler than a couple of my other friends who would never spank. She is mostly very respectful of her children, and is tuned into their behavior and needs. Her expectations are age-appropriate, as opposed to a friend of mine who puts her dd in T/O probably 30 times a day. She shames and scolds her in front of us (dd is 4.5), and runs her down in her hearing.<br><br>
So, I don't know. I don't think just not spanking makes gentle discipline.</div>
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Thanks for noticing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I have a hard time with the GD label, because some people *I* know are anti-spanking in the name of GD, but will do anything else <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:

 

[Iris' Mom]

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>chfriend</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9405793"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Anti-spanking seems like a necessary first step on the gd journey. It's a tremendous hurdle for some.<br><br>
I think the reason it's easier to discuss spanking vs. hurtful words is the same reason that it's harder to discuss and confront relational aggression than physical aggression. There are more subtleties to relational aggression.</div>
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I think I know what you mean. "No hitting" is a bright line rule. For other types of behaviors, there is sometimes a spectrum, one end of which is acceptable, the other abusive, but where do you cross the line? It might be easy to spot from the outside, but when it's you, in the moment, dealing with a hot-button issue, it can be hard to reign yourself in.

 

[theretohere]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>mommyof3andcountin</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9408102"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Thanks for noticing <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> I have a hard time with the GD label, because some people *I* know are anti-spanking in the name of GD, but will do anything else <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
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I think that's far too common- as long as it's not spanking people think it's ok.<br>
I'm never sure how to broach it, though.

 

[elizawill]

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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>dulce de leche</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/9404403"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Does anyone else ever struggle with this concept? I believe that GD is so much more than the absence of spanking. Yet so often, especially IRL discussions on discipline, it all seems to focus on the spanking issue. I find myself honing in on the spanking aspect, even when I don't believe that is the true issue some times.<br><br>
Is it because spanking is easier to discuss than shaming or emotional wounds?<br><br>
Is it that we still think in terms of doing-to rather than working with?<br><br>
Dh and I were talking about how important it is that parents have something to replace the spanking mindset. I don't want to be "anti" as much as "pro" mutual respect and cooperation, yk?<br><br>
Anyway, I'm rambling, but I was hoping that some of you wise posters could help me articulate this more clearly.</div>
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<br>
i think stopping spanking is the first place to start with gentle discipline for many, but it isn't necessarily gentle discipline in and of itself. ykwim? i have said this before here, but i could literally break my child's spirit without ever laying a finger on them. i could tear them down with my words and actions alone. that's really scary. so knowing this information - i am accountable to it. i don't just "not" hurt my children physically, but i intentionally love them in a way that builds them up and embraces them. i think parents all need a starting point with GD and i really commend those who have stopped spanking ....but it just can't be where the journey ends imo. there is definitely so much more to loving our sweeties.

 

[warriorprincess]

I think I'm one of those people. I'm anti spanking, anti-shaming, but have rules and use punitive measures.