[humblemum]

Hi!
I am new on this site, a single mom of 4 who has almost seen it all through the years of parenting but now looking for any thought and advice on my daughter at age 17 deciding to date a 22 year old from a foreign country. They met at an international art event we were all participating in that was just one week long. As my daughter and I were volunteers and participants for the event, we hosted a group of participants for a few meals at our home, and did some activities together such as skating and swimming. I could see the young man and my daughter were fast friends and shared an interest in piano and she enjoyed learning his language. She continued the friendship on facebook and by texting on her ipod with him as well as with the others she had met. I was happy as she was expanding her world and connecting with people that I had met who seemed to share similar interets. I was aware she may harbour a crush but it was not expressed by her. This is all quite recent as the art event was last Feb and just a few days ago (end of April) she told me he was now her boyfriend and asked her if she would go on a date and that he wants to come back to visit in the summer. I was a quite a bit surprised and it took me a day to think it through - I decided to express my concerns but also tell her that I would leave it up to her to figure things out. He is in 3rd year university and she is in grade 11. I am more concerned on his part that he thinks this is appropriate - I want her to be able to enjoy her last year of high school and be with her friends and not focused on a fantasy long-distance relationship and I think the age gap at this stage is also a power imbalance. All thoughts and comments and advice are welcome!!!! sincerely humblemum

 

[JWood]

This is difficult, seeing as I myself was in a relationship with a 22 year-old man when I was 16, and that ended well (we are now married with 3 kids). But I'm not sure I would be okay with it if one of my daughters did the same. I also remember feeling very mature at that age and that the world didn't understand how I felt because I was SOOOO complex. Then once when I was 20, I ran into some 16 year old girls and I suddenly realized I was NOT mature at that age. My husband struggled with his decision to date me as well, but apparently I didn't seem like a teenager to him.

I feel like your situation is extra difficult because he lives in a different country. Try to talk to him on skype and social media as well, and get to know him. Maybe even ask what he thinks about dating your daughter.

 

[humblemum]

Thanks so much for your thoughts!

 

[humblemum]

If he does come to visit in the summer, both my daughter and I will be working and staying with my parents at my parents cottage in the summer. It complicates the situation as it then involves grandparent's opinions. I was hoping he would just try to come again next year for the same art event (when she is just a little older) but it seems he has suggested he wants the next meeting to happen sooner. I want to let it play out naturally but still very concerned!!

 

[MeepyCat]

Well, so far, what he's suggested is a date when he's back in town. That's not a crazy thing. Yeah, she'll be staying with her grandparents, but how much of a crisis is it for a 17 year-old to go to dinner and a movie, or see a band or something with someone?

I'd be inclined to keep my cool about the whole thing. I might question whether you can, or should, consider someone your boyfriend when he is thousands of miles away, and mostly in touch electronically, and I might express some concern that I hope she's not shutting down her connections with people who can be physically present in her life right now, but it seems like it should be fine for them to get together when he's back in the country over the summer, and once she knows when that will be, she can see if there are any interesting shows or anything during his stay and they can make plans.

 

[newmamalizzy]

Coming at this from a personal angle rather than parent, I think there can be a maturity gap in boys and girls in young adulthood. If your daughter is very into the arts, serious, a deep thinker, etc, she may very well be a good match for an older guy without it being creepy. At that age I was oblivious to my peers and got on great with my teachers in their mid to late 20s. I realize now that there were some ways that I was much less mature, but one wouldn't have known it just through conversation and hanging out. I would be inclined to keep a watchful eye for problems, be supportive so she'll continue to be open with you, and see what happens.