[CHoney]

We bought a small older home that needed a bit of work 5 years ago. We ripped apart our ensuite 5 years ago and DH hasn't worked on it very much. I've suggested hiring someone to finish it, but he doesn't want to do that. We've also had numerous friends offer to help (one of them has been asking for years!) and DH doesn't want their help. Occasionally DH will tinker around ALL DAY doing one or two little things. I think he's a perfectionist and gets stuck in analysis paralysis. My Dad has helped him in the past doing framing, and said he was a bit of a control freak and wouldn't let him do much and took forever thinking about things and doing simple cuts.

I was looking for ideas on how to encourage him to work around the house. I've tried helping, reminding, nagging, but nothing seems to work. My DH is a gadget lover and spends hours on the computer and tv, so time is not an issue, motivation is.

Every summer his family visits us (4 or 5 people at a time), and we only have 1 bathroom and we don't have a finished space for them to stay. (Upstairs we have our room, the nursery, and a small office full of his computer stuff so there is just room for one person to sleep on an air mattress). Our basement is unfinished, and I wanted to finish that so we'd have more room for his family.

I feel bad because I've been feeling resentment towards DH for years because I do not like holes in our walls, unfinished floors, missing cupboards, and our unfinished ensuite. It's silly, but I feel embarrassed to have people over because it looks like we don't take pride in our house like they all do. And I feel powerless because DH doesn't want help, yet he won't fix it himself.

Thank you for letting me vent! Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!

ETA ~ I don't think money would be an issue either, because DH spends lots of money on his electronics. In the last year he's bought another computer, PS3, PS3 games, a big flat screen tv, stereo, speakers, and all the gadgets to go with them. (As you can probably tell, I'm not a gadget lover. I feel like they're a waste of money and take his time away from me and our baby).

 

[Alyantavid]

I have no suggestions, but you're not alone. We mostly remodeled one bathroom years ago and it still needs the border put down. And that's not to mention the other projects started and not finished.

 

[AutumnMama]

No help unfortunately, but I can commiserate with you!

It's been 5 years since we've moved and the trim still isn't all back on, I don't have all my drawers in the kitchen, the cupboard doors just got put on in early fall, and DH took the garage door off to make a wall/front door and it's wide open for our neighbors to see all our stored stuff.

I've just started inviting people over anyway. I hate feeling like my house looks crappy and unfinished, but I usually just make a light comment or two and hope they understand.

I'll be watching this thread.

 

[SuzyLee]

My father is exactly like this.

My husband is like this to some degree, but unlike my mother I don't put up with it.

It is just 100% unacceptable for me to have my house torn all apart. When DH gets like that I just tell him that it is driving me crazy, I know it doesn't bother him, but for my mental sanity I am calling a professional if it isn't done in X amount of time. Then DH negotiates for more time (which I usually am flexible on the exact end date) and once he "owns" that end date for the project, I have no guilt about calling a professional to finish it once he inevitably fails to do so.

Drives me crazy anyway though!

 

[Carlin]

Well, breaking down in tears worked for my dh, but then again I'm 7 months pregnant, and it's not a technique I'd use on purpose.

I think I'd be tempted to nicely let him know that he has until a certain date to finish it, and if he doesn't you will hire someone to do it before the next inlaw visit. I can't stand living in a construction zone either.

 

[mrsfatty]

"What's a reasonable amount of time for you to finish the floors in the ensuite?"
Force a date that he sets for himself (that you feel is reasonable). When the date is set--have it in writing somewhere that everyone can see it (so he can't say he forgot) and do not mention it again. Do not give hints. Do not give "reminders." Do not nag. Just let it happen (or not happen).

If he does make the date--great--then move onto the next portion of the ensuite than needs to be finished (and ask the same question above but replace the word "floors" for another part of the ensuite than needs to be finished).

If he doesn't make the date, hire someone yourself (or enlist all the help that's been offered) after the date has been violated--and just get it done. If he gets upset, tell him, matter-of-factly (without emotion), "You told me the date you would have this project finished by. You did not honor that date. I've waited a long time--long before you set the date for yourself--for the ensuite to be finished. You either don't care to finish it, are having a difficult time finishing it on your own, or something. Frankly, I don't know why it's still not done. I respected the time frame that YOU set. Now, please respect my need for it being done. XYZ is going to finish this project so I am no longer stressed about it or upset with you about it. We don't need that kind of added tension (me being angry at you for not doing what you say you're going to do) in our life--and this just needs to be done so we can have our ensuite and some peace."

Do you think he knows where to start or how to get himself organized in order (like, "I need to lay down the tile today, put the toilet on two days after the tile, paint the vanity the next day, etc.") or is it just him putsing so he doesn't have to do other work around the house (dragging this one out, while not really doing anything, so he doesn't have to do anything else).

Also, brining up, IN WRITING, what you want done in the house and why (using *I* statements) and setting dates for those to get done as well would be a good idea. Having HIM set his time frame (and you must agree that it's reasonable) makes it HIS responsibility that HE'S set for himself. Not nagging him (or reminding him) about his agreement will help you both. Have your timeframe agreement in PLAIN sight so he can't "forget"...and when/if he doesn't finish in time, you have respected his time frame, so now he has to respect your need to have it done--and you can get it done "your way."

Why I suggest this, is because it's YOU that has the "problem" with it not being done (he's not motivated to finish it because, clearly, it doesn't bother him)...you need to figure a way to have it finished regardless of his motivation or not. You give him his "chance" and when/if he doesn't do it, then you have ever "right" to get it done your way so that it's done and not bothering you anymore.

 

[CHoney]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mrsfatty Do you think he knows where to start or how to get himself organized in order...or is it just him putsing so he doesn't have to do other work around the house (dragging this one out, while not really doing anything, so he doesn't have to do anything else).

I don't think he really knows how to be organized, so I can help him with that. The sad thing is, so many people have asked to help, and he doesn't trust they will do a good enough job...and he wants to do it himself, but probably doesn't think he can do it perfectly so he'll never finish it. He doesn't do any work around the house or yard and just plays around with his gadgets and sleeps in on weekends because he stays up late doing stuff with his computer. (Other then that, he is a great father!)

I love your suggestion of making him set a date to complete things, and if it's not done, hire someone or enlist a friend's help. That sounds very fair.

I'm happy to know I'm not the only one in this situation! Thank you for all of your suggestions.

 

[sewingmommy]

...I can commiserate with you on this ....luckily after 9 years we are down to two rooms and a bunch of trim that needs to be finished ....my dhs problem is he would rather be out in the garden during the summer than inside working on the house

 

[philomom]

Wow, I would be every upset by now. Don't you and the kids deserve a nice home? Do you want your kids thinking that living life in a constantly unfinished mess is NORMAL? EWWW.

Put your foot down. He gets the worst of it done by Thanksgiving or you find a new home... with or without him.

 

[Alyantavid]

Wow, that's kind of harsh. Divorce over some unfinished house projects?

 

[philomom]

Isn't five years of her life long enough? And more than enough for her kids?

This man is setting a poor example for his kids. He's showing his wife a huge lack of respect for her feelings and concerns and won't change no matter how she approaches him. I'd say it is time for a little scare therapy. Does he love his kids? Does he love his wife? If so, it is time to SHOW them.

 

[songbird45]

You might also ask him what the holdup is. If you're afraid it will come off like nagging (sometimes things like this end up as sore spots) say, "I am not trying to nag, we are on the same team and I want us to brainstorm and problem solve together." .... hopefully that will help get him in the right mindset to help you tackle this problem. Start brainstorming with him, try to see it from his point of view... "do you not really enjoy home improvement projects... do you not know where to start... do you not know how to do X, Y, or Z and need to learn how... " hopefully he will be able to tell you what the sticking point is. Make it clear that this is really important to you, you've let him do it his way, now you want to see forward progress.

My dh is a procrastinator, and this approach has helped him overcome procrastination. Of course, every time he hits a roadblock we have to have the same conversation to help him get past it.

ETA: I couldn't disagree more with philomom. Sometimes unfinished tasks are just unfinished tasks. I don't agree with measuring someone's love for you based on stuff like this.

 

[Jane]

I just dive in and start working on it. He can't stand to see me work alone. There's nothing I can't do except put up full sheets of sheetrock or cabinets. But I can measure and cut the drywall and get it ready to go up. And I can put cabinets together and do the measuring and marking on the wall and get it ready.
I would embrace your inner Rosie-the-carpenter and get moving. Chances are, he'll want to help, if just to maintain some control over the finished product.

 

[Whistler]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Apricot I just dive in and start working on it. He can't stand to see me work alone. There's nothing I can't do except put up full sheets of sheetrock or cabinets. But I can measure and cut the drywall and get it ready to go up. And I can put cabinets together and do the measuring and marking on the wall and get it ready. I would embrace your inner Rosie-the-carpenter and get moving. Chances are, he'll want to help, if just to maintain some control over the finished product.

: That's what I do! I used to work at a building supply store and help my dad with carpentry projects so I am more likely the one renovating than he is....which is good because he is the procrastinator!

 

[Theoretica]

This is back to the shame factor in men....getting help is frequently percieved by men as shameful. At the same time, clearly he is either overwhelmed or procrastinating, or both. So, can I make a gentle suggestion?

Let him know how much you appreciate his efforts, then let him know (lovingly) that if the various projects aren't complete by the end of the month (or next month, whatever you want) that you'll hire a general contractor to come finish them up because you can see he's got so much on his plate. Then drop it by disengaging from the conversation, and do.not.argue. And follow through. Schedule the contractor for a time when your DH won't be in the home already (if you stay home can they come while DH is at work?), or surprise him by sending him golfing or fishing or something he enjoys. Then he doesn't have to suffer (his perception) the humiliation (again, his perception) of not getting it done, and yet it gets done.

Don't debate, discuss, or argue. Just do, and let go.

 

[CHoney]

Wow! Thank you for all your amazing responses, and for sharing different viewpoints with me. I never really thought of this being a shame factor for DH, but I can see it being one. So I can help him organize and set a timeline, and follow through with it instead of falling into my "why should I have to do everything" mode.

Interestingly enough, DH decided to go to the hardware store after work yesterday without any coaxing! I was very surprised. Maybe he could cosmically sense I was writing about him on here...

.

 

[EFmom]

No suggestions (I've tried most of those offered), but it is interesting to find out how many of us are married to the same man.

 

[ctdoula]

Okay, I haven't read the replies, but I HAVE spent the past TEN YEARS doing renos in our house. The one we're about to move out of next week. Here is the way to do it: HIRE SOMEONE. period. It's just not going to get done while your dh is working full time and has other stuff to do. It's just not. Either hire someone or get handy and do it yourself. I tried anything & everything... nagging, bugging, begging, threatening, etc. I ended up having to hire help. Nothing gets a man moving like another man showing up at his castle to do his work.

I know what it's like to live in construcion (yeah.. I had no WALLS in my living room for 18mo). I know what it's like to have things all taken apart all around you. And when it's done, you'll wonder why it took so long to get you to finish it!

 

[SleeplessMommy]

I have been in many contractor's houses - they always are unfinished in one place or another.

But it sounds like your DH is not "in the trades".

I would suggest helping him set priorities - make a list of everything that needs to be done and tell him which room you need done first.

After that, the contractor might be a good idea.

 

[2cutiekitties]

OMG are you married to ME?????????

I am the same as your hubby. I suggest hiring someone to finish it all if you can afford it. Dont even tell him. Trust me, he will appreciate it.

That is what I have had to do for myself. Even though I want to do all these projects, I dont really. Ya know?