[spuddybuddy]

i am wondering if there are any other dads who regularly visit this forum and have posted their stories or have any words to share for someone who recently lost his son. i am at a loss for what the path ahead looks like. how did you cope? what was your role? what kind of support did you seek (or not seek)? what was going back to work like?

my wife has posted her story here and i think i will post my own in a few days if that is okay.

i've also been forcing myself to keep a blog (link in signature), if only because typing stuff into a box is natural for me. (i'm a software engineer.)

if you want to PM me or just post a thread title that's okay too, i can search the archives.

thanks all.

 

[expatmommy]

I don't know of any dads who post regularly here. Have you found www.glowinthewoods.com? (I might have that wrong & if I do I hope someone will correct me.) It is a blog/online community for people who have lost their babies & I know that there is at least one dad who contributes regularly. I know from there I found a number of dad blogs that helped me gain perspective on where my dh might be when we lost Max.

My heart aches for you and your wife.

It just isn't fair or right.

 

[Amy&4girls]

I'm so sorry you have to join us here. My heart just aches for both of you.

 

[SMR]

I'm so sorry you're here too.. I don't think I've seen dad's post, but you're of course welcome to post here! My husband is an engineer too, so I understand the comfort of typing into a box. Going back to work for him was hard.. he's normally the 'good' employee, who bends over backwards for everyone.. for a while at work he just didn't care and he told people that too! Luckily he's got some great co-workers who really care about him and us.. and that helped the transition. Also the 2nd highest boss in the company told him not to take vacation for the 2 weeks he was off, so that meant a lot. I hated when he went back to work.. I felt like as long as he was here to hug all day, I was 'fine' so it was an adjustment. He's not a big typer type.. but I'll send him your blog, maybe he can give you support from a dad's view. I feel like overall he and I grieved the same way. Again, I"m so sorry.. I hate to see a new family have to be here.

 

[MI_Dawn]

We lost our baby, stillborn at 39 weeks, a few days after you lost yours.

I've given my husband this link, and a link to your blog. It's been so helpful for me to have these mamas and hear their stories, similar to mine, and share our experience of this loss... I can't imagine, for dads, who don't have a community like this one, how much harder it has to be. I know my husband feels very alone in it, too...

Much love to you both... I so wish none of us had to be here.

 

[NullSet]

I'm so sorry.

Everyone always gravitates toward the mother when in reality, fathers need help too. I hate that anyone goes through this.

 

[japonica]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We lost our daughter at 40 weeks, 5.5 years ago.

I recall a couple of things my DH said as we made it through our grieving process. He found it difficult to talk to others around him (that's more his nature and just from my experience, he doesn't tend to talk about his feelings with others anyway, he's pretty shy about that stuff), so compared to me with the girlfriends and family members always surrounding me, he felt a lot more isolated. Although we obviously both lost our daughter, a lot of the support tended to focus on me, which was not fair for him. He does have a brother and he would talk to him when he needed to. But in the beginning, it often felt like we were grieving separately in our own worlds.

He also felt a real need to "hold it together" for me...to be the "tough guy." He wouldn't cry around me or talk about his feelings (in case it brought on another round of crying for me and we know how husbands don't like to make their wives cry). He felt like he had to be strong for the both of us. Of course, I took this as "What, you aren't grieving as much as I am?! Why am I the only one crying here?". Only later did he tell me that he'd often pull his work van over during the day and cry on his own on the side of the road. I can't answer what else his work days were like, but if it was like my former co-workers with the awkwardness, silences, or just plain stupid questions (one asked about 4 weeks later if things "were back to normal" yet), then I know it couldn't have been easy.

I can't tell you what the path ahead is like, as everyone's road through this is different, but just based on my husband's experiences, make sure you find someone you feel you can talk to...writing (as you mentioned) is helpful too. I think our society is more accepting of women openly grieving and there is a subtle bias of support that way. I think it's not fair to the dads who really need support and understanding through the grief process too.

 

[moonInLion]

I am so sorry for your loss. I've read your blog, and I am so sorry you had and have to experience all this. No practical advice to offer, just

 

[AbbeyWH]

spuddy buddy, husband, father to Soren

I am so sorry for your family's loss!
we lost lost our son just a little over 2 months ago
this place has been a saviour for me many a time
and it hurts to see my husband hurt
he really only has me as an ear

the miss foundation has a place for men:
http://www.missfoundation.org/forums/

if you join it's called Dad's place

but we are happy to have you here as much as you'd like/need to be!

 

[Dalene]

I'm so, so sorry about Soren.

Chris is the name of the dad who is a contributor to Glow in the Woods. His personal blog is http://elmcitydad.wordpress.com/. He started blogging during his wife's pregnancy and then they lost their son in labor due to shoulder dystocia. My husband, also Chris, and I contribute to our blog together (link below).

 

[MommaSomeday]

I have not seen many Dads her either, but we all definitely welcome you. I think having a man around to help share a dad's perspective is great for all of us. I will also forward your blog link to my husband.

Many

s for you as you go on this journey. I hope you can find the support you need. So many people ignore fathers when something like this happens. Thankfully, everyone was very supportive of Garrin, but I know that's not always the case.

 

[Milkymommi]

I'm so sorry... my husband and I have been on this horrid journey of loss together although the way he deals and the way I deal are very, very different. He doesn't post here but I often read aloud to him from these threads and he finds comfort from much of what I share with him. Male or female, we all hurt and can unfortunately relate to the intense pain and insanity of this kind of loss. Please post here. I believe it will be priceless to have the feelings and input of a father and may encourage other lurking Dads to share as well. We are all in this together. We shouldn't be... but we are.

My heart truely goes out to you as I know exactly what you're dealing with. We all do on one level or another. Sending as much peace your way as possible.

 

[JayJay]

I will get Harry to PM you - he is my other half

I just spoke to him about speaking to you and he said he would in a little while

(he's boiling eggs now for Easter)

*HUGE hugs* to you, Papa. XXX

 

[mamacita angelica]

I am so sorry you are here. My husband has asked about connecting with other men too. I second elmcitydad...my husband really connects with his blog, and I have another bookmarked called http://hurtingonthesidelines.blogspot.com/ .

s.

 

[spuddybuddy]

thank you all for your suggestions and hugs. mischievium showed me glow in the woods, elm city dad, and lazy cat farm. when i am ready for a long afternoon of reading i'll digest them and the others mentioned in this thread.