Mothering Forum banner

1 - 20 of 22 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Are there any other SAHMs on the board who are homebound due to lack of transporation or illness who also have a partner who is never or rarely home? I'd love some support and sharing of coping strategies for this sitaution. My husband is only home to sleep (midnight- 6am) most days, and might be home for one or two hours total during the afternoon on the weekends right now.<br><br>
I often am emotionally drained and phyiscally exhausted from having two little people to care for 24/7, never being alble to leave the house, having to limit visitors coming over during the winter due to having a condition that would make a virus quite devestating for me, and my husband is never home due to an insane work schedule and starting a business.<br><br>
How do you help your children to cope with rarely seeing their daddy? How do you make sure that everything important gets done in a day's time when you're always alone with them?<br><br>
What do you do about chores that you can't do with kids help or don't want them to see you doing? I don't want my 4yo attempting to clean the toilet. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/duck.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Duck">: My children are like my husband- they need little sleep, no matter how I try to convince them to sleep more. LOL So they end up getting as much sleep as I do in a day, which is about 10 hours. My 2 year old *might* sleep an extra hour if I'm lucky, and he's rapidly phasing out of naps, despite my protests. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> So I can't do the tough and dirty cleaning chores while they're asleep. How do you keep them from tearing apart the house when you're doing something they can't help with, but you have no one to help watch them?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,542 Posts
Hi there, I can relate. I have a five year old and 2 month old and we only have one car. My husband works about an hour away and is salary so he doesn't have 9-5 schedule. He usually leaves by 7a.m and if we're lucky he is home by 7p.m, but usually later. I call him at work a lot and bitch. He is generous enough to listen although I'm sure it gets annoying after awhile. We never eat dinner together (except on weekends) because we never know for sure what time he will be home. My son is always begging for daddy and wanting to do things with him. I never go anywhere during the week unless a friend comes and picks me up so playgroups don't work for me. I've been doing this for five years now believe it or not! Sometimes I go stir crazy. My solution is that I usually hand over parenting to daddy when he finally gets here. I know that isn't always fair to him. He just had a long day at work but I have to for my own sanity.<br><br>
Chores are my biggest challenge!! These days I feel like I can never get the house clean enough to even invite anyone over. We live in a really small place so right after you clean it looks like a mess again. I try to keep up with the flylady.net stuff. It helps you take chores one babystep at a time and it does help.<br><br>
I don't have too many solutions myself but maybe someone else can help, and if nothing else I can say that I know how you feel and find myself sometimes crying or ready to pull my hair out because I haven't left the house all week or because my husband didn't get home until after the little ones are in bed. Sometimes it's hard. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I know what you mean. A lot of days I do feel like I'm at the end of my rope by the time I can get them in bed. I've only left the house a handfull of time in the last 7 months, mostly to go to a doctor's appointment or the ER. I'm going stir-crazy from being home all the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
686 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">Are there any other SAHMs on the board who are homebound due to lack of transporation or illness who also have a partner who is never or rarely home? I'd love some support and sharing of coping strategies for this sitaution. My husband is only home to sleep (midnight- 6am) most days, and might be home for one or two hours total during the afternoon on the weekends right now.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I could of wrote the above paragraph<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: Although my hubby works most days at "home" his mom built a house next door, and he has a huge office. He was coming home every night at 2--4 in the am but then he would get up at 11 and have to be at work at 12 and it sucked. Our kids would annoy him, and the dogs, and it was pretty ugly. So now he stays at his moms house Mon-Thur and comes home every night for about 4 hours. So I am pretty much alone all day with our babies. My dd hates her carseat when we had a car, so I ddn't go out much. And now we have one car we share between 2 differnt households for the next week or two until we get ours fixed. I live out in the country, so there it is. It sucks. We play outside and inside, but I miss having momma friends. Add all that to some slight social anxiety from being isolated the last year and it is not a pretty picture. I try to go to a moms meeting every month, and go to town (20 miles away) at least once a week with MIL, but it is a lonely place to be. Especialy with a nonverbal 3 year old and one year old.....<br>
I do love being a SAHM, but I am debating on going back to college in fall to finish my degree, so I have other people who might have something in common with me to talk to<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,383 Posts
I'm not homebound by lack of transportation, but I spend the majority of my time at home by choice. It's just such a hassle to load up the kids and go do things. My husband isn't home much either, so I get so very little adult interaction/time. My house is a perpetual mess, and I've pretty well accepted that. It's getting better, though - my boys are 4 and almost 3 - they're starting to play together and interact together, so it takes a lot of the stress off of me. Gives me more opportunities to get things done without "help".<br><br>
The saddest part to me is the boys' relationship with their daddy. They love him to pieces, and always want to spend time with him. But they've accepted that daddy's always at work (the sad part), so now they walk around saying, "Where's daddy? Daddy's at work.". Yep, that tears me apart.<br><br>
For the most part, though, I just try to keep the boys and me busy. These are some of the best times of my childrens' lives, and I'm enjoying being there to capture all of those precious moments. Housework is always there - getting down on your hands and knees with your babies and playing with playdough on the kitchen floor is a wonderful memory you'll cherish forever, so enjoy those opportunities and make the most of them while you can.<br><br>
Jolene
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,446 Posts
Lack of transportation here. Never ending car troubles, so dh has the van. When we finally get that second car out of the shop, I am absolutely convinced the van will die--it's on it's last legs anyway. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Our main connection with daddy is supper together every night. That way we all get a little face time. Dh is also really good about interacting with the boys generally. He doesn't get down on the floor to play with them, but when he's home, he's always willing to give hug or look at a picture or hear a story from one of them. Sometimes if I need to get out, I will leave them with him--that gets me out of the house and gives them daddy time. Occasionally we will all go out shopping together.<br>
Right now, actually our oldest boy is sitting on the couch next to dh while hubby is studying for his bio class. For a while dh gave up on bio and looked through the big Life picture book with ds. The boys seem to be Ok with that kind of connection, even if it's not as often as I'd like. We make the most of what we have.<br><br>
As far as cleaning, I try to keep things simple and uncluttered so it's not a big deal, and then work around the boys, or when they're sleeping. If they're feeling needy and clingy, I give them a rag and let them "clean" while I do the actual scrubbing.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,446 Posts
I will say, I'm not sure there's a cure for stir-crazy except for getting out. It is incredibly frustrating to me still to have a sunny day and not be able to get to the park to walk, to spend all day inside, and to have to plan any shopping or appointments within three very small chunks of time during the week that dh is home and the van is available.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
I wish I could get out. Right now, it's not lack of transporation, as I do have a car. I've been sick for 7 months, and I haven't been able to leave the house except to go to the doctor or ER in that time.<br><br>
The isolation is difficult. My folks live next door, but they are no help most of the time. At least I can call and talk to her on the phone when I need to. But my friends have practically abandoned me since I got sick, and most have stopped calling completely. They're busy, so they say, but they will ask my husband how I'm doing when he is at church. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
37 Posts
NAK<br>
One day at a time is all I can tell you. This whole mothering business is not for the faint of heart. My family had just moved to a new location and 6 mos later DH (an army reservist) got called up. So we're a year into it with 6 mos to go. I have a 3 year old and a 5 month old.<br><br>
It is isolating as I'll get out. But I've resigned myself to plugging away at it everyday...don't stop and think about it...just do it.<br><br>
When I get flustered I turn to :"Kids are worth it" by Barbara Coloroso my parenting bible.<br><br>
And dd helps wth everything...I involve her in lots. we have tons of fun baking...and art projects, and letters to daddy.<br><br>
It is hrd but it can be done
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
15,952 Posts
7 months of not going out, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow"> wow. I'm almost to 4 months and going crazy. DD2 is almost 4 months old, I had a two week baby moon with her, and the day that she turned 2 weeks, DD1 and DH had a positive pertussis culture. DD2 and I got it shortly after. DD2 is finally well enough to go out now, but she can't get sick so we stay in.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>Peony</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/7281519"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">7 months of not going out, <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bow.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bow"> wow. I'm almost to 4 months and going crazy.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
Believe me, I don't want any awards for it. LOL I want someone else to take the top prize for that one.<br><br>
It's to the point that my preschooler thinks it's normal to never leave the house and be sick to your stomach or throw up a lot. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> The other day she put on a pair of her brother's pants that were too small and told me that she wanted to throw up so she could shrink like mommy so she could wear them. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/bawling.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="bawl"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> I've lost 55 lbs since I got sick on July 4, and most of it came off fast.<br><br>
It does look like I've finally gotten well enough I might be able to get out on Thursday for a brief period of time, if somoene else drives. I live in the middle of nowhere, so getting out means a long drive to get anywhere. So my mom has volunteered to take me to a farm co-op drop point in the big city an hour away so I can pick up some meat that I can eat, then go to a grocery store (Trader Joes) so I can look at their gluten free food and figure out what's safe for me to eat. That has me worried, because breathing gluten (wheat flour) in or touching it will cause me to react, so I'm concerned about touching anything. I guess I'd look stupid if I wore a mask and gloves.... <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
So I'm afraid that on Friday I'll either be sick or exhausted.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,962 Posts
Right there with you OP. One car and a Dh that works and goes to school. I have a 33 mo old and an 18 1/2 mo old. We are pretty much HOME, whether I like it or not. Most of the time it isn't much of a bother BUT onec in a while I get tired of looking at the SAME walls ALL the time.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
125 Posts
Homebound mama here too! I've got a 3yo DD and a 9month old DD, and I don't drive! Daddy works long hours and I surely know how it feels to be going stir crazy with babies!<br><br>
Sometimes when I do get out, I find that the tons of people/general busy-ness kind of takes it's toll on me, and those outings end up being kind of exausting! It's like I CRAVE it, then I can't handle it when I'm out there! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:<br><br>
nice to meet some other mamas who can relate!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
383 Posts
I have no partner... it is just me and I will be home for his first year of life. I am finding that it is getting better as my baby is sleeping longer stretches but it still feels like a marathon to get us out of the house. I have a car so that helps. I have to remember how good it feels to get some interaction from other adults though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
407 Posts
I'm not homebound. I can leave the house whenever I want but its too much of a hassle right now with the cold weather. Plus I really don't know what to do when I get out of the house.<br><br>
DH doesn't really like to be at home apparently. He is a very "gotta be busy" type of guy. He works 12 hours and then wants to work on his hobby of fixing tractors. He does not understand that I need time away from DS or that I need time of my own. He thinks because I have all this "free time" (ie during the middle of the day watching DS) and I can do whatever I want that he should be able to do whatever he wants during his free time. Last week I pointed out that DS doesn't cry anymore when he leaves and that he rarely wants to play with him anymore. I realize he does need some down time but when do I get mine? He's been working on this hobby for 2.5 years now and as much as I complain he never changes or he changes for a week. He spends his entire Saturday/Sunday working on his tractors. I can get him home to eat and thats about it but since I don't feel like cooking we normally eat at my moms.<br>
He keeps complaining that we haven't had sex in over a month. Truth be told I am not used to him touching me anymore. I dont feel very loved anymore. Definitely not enough to have sex.<br>
I can't live like this much longer. I attempted to find a job but even with a degree there isn't anything that will pay me enough to make it worthwhile to leave my kids. I've started doing an at-home study course for medical transcriptionist. We need the money anyway. Unfortunately I don't know how I'm going to be able to do it if DH won't help out any to allow me alone time to work on it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,803 Posts
No car...dh blew up the engine in his truck a month or so ago and is completely willing to let the mechanic take hisweet time fixing it. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">: So he's got my car and I'm scared to death he's gonna break it too. I got sick of feeling trapped and had my mom come get us for a week at her house...which ended up being a different place to be stuck in.<br><br>
Kids have been sick, weather has been bad, so we've been stuck inside for days.<br><br>
I'm exhausted, the house is a wreck, I haven't been able to put ds sown for more than 10 minutes for 2 days...and dh won't be home until 10 tonite.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/gloomy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Gloomy">:<br><br>
Christa
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,283 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I have to say that when I started this thread, I really only expected one or two responses. I'm surprised at how many women have responded.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
5,773 Posts
I am semi-homebound... for a while I was homebound due to no functioning car, then I became very ill for 1+ year and was too sick to leave the house except for very urgent stuff. I am also somewhat agoraphobic but I can force myself to go out, unless I'm going through a very bad period.<br><br>
I now have a working van and am healthy... but now I've got five kids! I'm not afraid to take them all out, but what would happen to us if we got in an accident, or the car broke down (unlikely, but still)... all six of us trying to forge home... I don't even think we'd fit in a taxi.<br><br>
So usually I wait till the weekend when DH is home, and I take out just the older 2. As they get older I'll feel safer going out with all of them, once we're at a point that we could all safely take a bus or cross streets.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
807 Posts
I am *SO* tired of being indoors all the time. DH works 30 miles away and 12 hour days... plus school at nights, and we've got only the one car, so it's just me and the baby. I was a working woman until DS so it's still a rough adjustment for me. And it's been so cold - plus 5 feet of snow on the ground right now... there are days when I break down, it gets so lonely. I have family nearby, but they always seem to be too busy.... I cannot WAIT until it warms up a little and I can go out for a walk.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,700 Posts
That's me. We have one car and DH works usually 60+ hours a week.<br><br>
It has been extremely cold here lately so we can't even really go out to play (as in -20 degrees).<br><br>
I am absolutely ready for some warmer weather so at least we can go for a little walk!!!!!!
 
1 - 20 of 22 Posts
Top