[crunchy_mommy]

Is anyone willing to share how their history of sexual abuse affected conception/pregnancy/childbirth?<br><br>
I'm feeling very alone & sad that I was so affected by it, that I wasn't able to have the birth I wanted because of it, that it took so long to conceive DS because of it, that I'm afraid to give birth again because of it. I told some parts of my story in a previous post & maybe I will share more but more than anything I just really need to know I'm not a freak, I'm not damaged, I'm not alone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying">

 

[rightkindofme]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>crunchy_mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15426593"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Is anyone willing to share how their history of sexual abuse affected conception/pregnancy/childbirth?<br><br>
I'm feeling very alone & sad that I was so affected by it, that I wasn't able to have the birth I wanted because of it, that it took so long to conceive DS because of it, that I'm afraid to give birth again because of it. I told some parts of my story in a previous post & maybe I will share more but more than anything I just really need to know I'm not a freak, I'm not damaged, I'm not alone. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"></div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I did many many many years of super intensive therapy before I started trying to conceive and that dramatically altered my experience. If I hadn't worked with several rock star therapists I think I would have had serious issues. I have dealt with my sexual assault at least partially by becoming one of those people who separate 'sex' and 'love' very easily. Casual sex is really not a problem for me because I don't tie it together with getting my 'love' needs met. So when I started trying to have a baby all of a sudden it was... different. Sex had a kind of higher meaning it had never had before. I'm no longer so able to separate sex and love and that's been kind of weird for me. (My partner and I go back and forth between monogamy and non-monogamy.) These days I just can't do casual sex. And I'm comfortable with that. It's kind of hard on my husband though because I'm also really uncomfortable with him out doing stuff. It feels invasive of our relationship in a way it didn't used to.<br><br>
Childbirth for me was... complicated. I mean, I know it is for everyone but I get the impression from my midwife that I am a little <i>special.</i> When I am in pain my reaction is to kind of turn into a wild animal. I don't want to be touched and if people come too near me I may very well physically attack them. That said, I'm really really good at processing pain (all those years of bdsm play) so most of labor wasn't actually all that painful. So I alternated between being a rational, reasonable person working through a hard situation and lashing out and being violent. Uhm. Complicated. I had a 49 hour labor because I had major scar tissue on my cervix from cryosurgery. I had to transfer to the hospital because I needed sleep. I ended up yelling at the nurses in the hospital when I didn't like their contributions. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/bag.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Bag"> I believe my words were, "Don't fucking tell me after the fact that one out of three of the fucking pushes was effective and the other two weren't! Either fucking tell me as I am doing it or keep your fucking mouth shut!!!" *cough* Yeah. I'm not nice when I'm in pain. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm pretty terrified of this upcoming labor, actually. I can't do it alone this time. Last time I chased everyone off on purpose. This time I desperately need support. I need input on changing positions. I need someone to tell me that I am doing a good job. I need someone to gingerly pat me on the head and tell me I'm awesome. I'm afraid that I won't be able to trust my body to get through it because I barely made it last time. If I had been at a different hospital I would have had a section and I am absolutely freaked out by the prospect of being cut open.<br><br>
So yeah, it's all muddy. This is made way more complicated by the fact that I am extremely depressed this pregnancy. It feels like everything in the world is conspiring to tell me how weak and pathetic and unworthy I am. I just suck. So yeah, you aren't alone in being afraid and I think that the sexual assault made most of this worse. I don't trust my body. I don't think it will work the way it should. I'm a hypercontrol freak about how I'm touched under any circumstances and that makes it really hard to work with medical care givers. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
It's all so complicated and messed up. But, I keep telling myself that one way or another I will get through this. Even if it doesn't happen in my preferred way, I will eventually be on the other side of this. I'm trying to convince myself that it'll be ok. It has to be.

 

[crunchy_mommy]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thank you so much for sharing. It really means a lot to me. My OB gave me the impression that I was one of the weirdest, most difficult patients she ever worked with. She actually yelled at me after DS was born (she was stitching up my tears and I wanted her hands out of me & everyone OUT of the room, no one touching me but DS or DH) and she went off on a rant about how horrible my birth was for her and that I needed to just lay there and let her finish. From then on, any thought that maybe my labor/delivery/etc. wasn't THAT out of the ordinary just flew out of the window.

 

[rightkindofme]

<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>crunchy_mommy</strong> <a href="/community/forum/post/15428152"><img alt="View Post" class="inlineimg" src="/community/img/forum/go_quote.gif" style="border:0px solid;"></a></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Thank you so much for sharing. It really means a lot to me. My OB gave me the impression that I was one of the weirdest, most difficult patients she ever worked with. She actually yelled at me after DS was born (she was stitching up my tears and I wanted her hands out of me & everyone OUT of the room, no one touching me but DS or DH) and she went off on a rant about how horrible my birth was for her and that I needed to just lay there and let her finish. From then on, any thought that maybe my labor/delivery/etc. wasn't THAT out of the ordinary just flew out of the window.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
That sounds like it was the OB sucking, not you. Women in labor should have so much leeway that people bend backwards. Dangit. I apologized to one of the nurses while I was in labor for being so difficult and she laughed telling me it's the job and not to feel bad. Who the @#$# cares if the birth is bad for the OB? That is what *her* support network is for--not you. She is there to support you. But yeah, if you weren't throwing punches, screaming at the top of your lungs (and I am LOUD), and swearing at everyone you were easier than me. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">

 

[crunchy_mommy]

Haha nope no screaming & punching!! I am more of a 'shut down & withdraw' person. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> Definitely in hindsight I see she SHOULDN'T have taken her stress out on me, but I understand she was stressed and tired of fighting me on everything. No way am I going back to her though!! Next time I will definitely go the midwife route (oh how I wish I found MDC sooner!)

 

[MittensKittens]

I read what happened during your birth, and that is traumatic, even for non SA survivors!<br><br>
My first birth was a MW homebirth, and even that was not good for me, with the VEs, and interference. My second birth was a UC, and it was WONDERFUL and very healing.

 

[crunchy_mommy]

I am so tempted to UC next time around but I have such severe anxiety, I don't think I could do it. I don't even know if I could homebirth. I can convince myself of it for a moment and then reality hits -- as much as I hate mainstream medicine, I like knowing that help is right there if a true emergency arose. Then I think of how DS's birth went and I want to bang my head into the wall, like WHAT AM I THINKING, considering giving birth in a hospital???? All this & I'm not even pregnant (yet) and also terrified of getting pg again but also hoping this time around I will be stronger, more prepared, more confident... but when it comes down to it, I may be terrified, just like I was first time around. I've been thinking & thinking about this for months and can't come to a perfect conclusion, an *ideal* plan. Once my current medical issues are semi-resolved I really want to try for #2 and I don't want to start TTC until I have a solid plan in place & every time I come up with a good plan I'll have a bad day & second-guess the whole thing, or have a good day & second-guess it, I don't even know if that makes sense. Plus with DS it took us a year to conceive, and I don't think it's because we have low fertility... it's because I have issues with sex, I have to be in just the right frame of mind, and that doesn't always coincide perfectly with ovulation, and thank God I have a patient, loving DH because any other guy wouldn't put up with my craziness.

 

[MittensKittens]

Could you meet with a few homebirth midwives to see if you like any of them? Perhaps you would be less terrified if you knew you would have a wonderful midwife to support you?