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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Our family has some particular issues that go along with having a blended (sometimes feels fracured) family. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and my husband has two daughters from a prior marriage. I can't seem to find this topic on the boards. Lets talk<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"><br><br>
Amanda
 

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I wishe we had a "blended family" forum here. Hipmama had one (before the site's implosion) and i loved reading through it. So interesting.
 

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I'm going to move this to Finding Your Tribe. That's where Mothering.com puts threads for getting people together.
 

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i am a stepmom and i have a son from a previous relationship-<br>
there is alot to tlak about- where to begin?
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Here's our kids and where they reside:<br><br>
my dd - 11 with us full time and goes out with her bio. dad for lunch maybe once a month or less.<br>
his dd's - 11, and 15 with us twice a month (less lately)<br>
our dd's - both 2 with us full time, of course<br><br>
what we agree on:<br><br>
We AP our twins, he lets me make decisions about my dd. When she homeschooled, he was ok, and when I put her in school, he was ok with that too. We'd both be happier if his kids came more often.<br><br>
our conflicts:<br><br>
I nag him to call his kids more often and try harder to get them to come more often and I want him to demand they stay the full weekend. I want him to put both of his girls in one room so the twins will have a room. (they currently sleep in our room and their stuff is in our room and all over the living room). Money is a problem, but since there is so very little of it, there's really nothing to argue about.<br><br>
We are currently looking into my husband adopting my dd. I feel sure her bio. dad would agree, but he may feel hurt. We would allow their relationship to continue. (there's even a special form for that purpose).<br><br>
Please share your situation, what works between you and what conflicts you may have and please give suggestions for our family. Perhaps this can be the jump off point into discussions.<br><br><br>
~Amanda
 

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I'm glad I saw this come up, just today I found myself dealing with an issue totally relevant.<br><br>
As you can see by my sig, I'm expecting in less than a month. Today is my DH's daughter's 6th birthday. Between financial limitations, his ex's refusal to cooperate, and geographical distance (ex and dd live in Idaho), he hasn't seen his daughter since she was 3 and has had little contact with her of any other kind.<br><br>
But he's still the only dad she's got, and by reports today from ex, she was quite upset upon receiving the pictures we sent of the two of us (that she'd asked for because she didn't know what we look like nowadays) because I'm pregnant. She feels like she's being replaced.<br><br>
DH sent her a letter to explain that this isn't so, of course, and her mom is trying to tell her the same thing, but I feel terrible that she's having to go through these feelings! This baby couldn't possibly replace her in her father's heart! But how could she know that since she never gets to see him.<br><br>
Would I be out of place if I started campaigning with them for her to be able to visit us sometime in the near future? All her grandparents live here in the metro area, and she knows her maternal grandparents, so it wouldn't be a total visit to strangers... another reason DH hasn't pushed for visitation, she's very close with her mom and doesn't like being apart from her, which from an AP perspective I can totally understand.<br><br>
They usually come down for the holidays, last year we were in TX and the year before dd came down with her aunt and aunt didn't bother to tell DH so he didn't get to see her. The year before that was just a brief visit at DH's father's house...<br><br>
I want my baby to be able to know his/her big sister and vice versa, and DH really wants to reestablish his relationship with his daughter, but has been reluctant to push ex at all because he's behind on child support (due to unemployment, when he's employed it's the first thing we pay, before rent even). But money shouldn't be the issue when it comes to the relationship between a little girl and her father...or her younger sib, for that matter!<br><br>
Any suggestions for how I can help this situation, instead of just making it worse (as having a baby seems to be doing?)
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Oh, your situation brings tears to my eyes. You're being torn in two, I bet, with excitment for the new baby soon to arrive and feeling so sad for your step daughter. If it were me, I'd campain to get the little girl for a visit. If you can, get the grandparents to help make it happen. I have friends who's kids have traveled alone by that age. If you all are not comfortable with that, maybe a grandparent could go pick her up.<br><br>
I think if she got to meet her new baby sibling, that would be great. Most little girls that age are delighted by babies and like to help. It would be harder to have a 6 yr. old around and a new baby, but worth the effort. I agree that it's great for siblings to bond. I have a wild hope that our kids' kids won't know which of their moms were steps, half, or full sisters because they'll all be one big happy extended family.<br><br>
Keep me posted. My heart goes out to you and your family.<br><br>
Amanda
 

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My stepsons live with us.<br><br>
Their mother recently took us to judicial review to prevent us homeschooling.<br><br>
She's severely mentally ill. A large part of her illness is delusions of persecution by my dp.<br><br>
Unfortunately she is very good at convincing people that the stories she tells about my dp are true, and that she's a victim and he's an evil bastard.<br><br>
The boys have a very hard time.
 

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I just put an update on this on my post on Parenting Issues called "DD feels like she's being replaced".<br><br>
One improvement thus far has come because of this: DH now has a phone number for them and ex actually wants him to call and talk to DD, which hasn't happened before. He's going to call later this morning at a prearranged time and talk to her. I'm going to suggest to him that he push for this to be a regular thing, like weekly, not just once in a blue moon, and that DD should have our number and be able to call him, too, collect if need be. If we had the money I'd suggest we set up a 1-800 number for her to call us...<br><br>
Hopefully we'll get a chance for a visit come the holidays, either ex or her sister usually brings DD down to visit the grandparents--though year before last DH's mother AND father (they're long divorced) both chose not to tell him about the visits until the last minute (when it was too late for him to find transportation) because they were threatened that if he was there DD's aunt wouldn't bring her for a visit.<br><br>
If that goes well and DD likes the idea, maybe we can convince ex to let DD visit us and actually stay with us, for maybe a week or two, at Spring Break or in the summer (she's in school), certainly not longer than DD is comfortable with--if we planned for a fixed period of time and she really wanted to go home sooner, we'd send her, kwim? And we'd be sure to include visits with her maternal grandparents during her visit, more reinforcements of the concept that caring about her is more important to us than personal dislikes between adults (something her aunt and maternal grandparents aren't good about AT ALL.)
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
So, was she able to stop you from homeschooling? Wow, with a woman like that, you must do everything strictly by the book with documentation to defend yourselves. I'll bet it's tough for you and your dp to see the kids suffer because of their crazy mother. I'm glad they get to live with you and not her. They sure are lucky to have you as their stepmom. Good luck to you and keep us posted. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br>
~Amanda
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hello again. How's everyone doing. Some of you have much tougher issues than I do, I'm sure.<br>
I do have a question, however. Is it my job to nag my husband to call his kids and go visit them, take them out to eat or something even when they can't or won't come for their weekend? They live about an hour away and he doesn't want to bother with the drive and the fact that they don't care much about seeing him.<br>
I tell him that he's the adult and must make the extra effort to see them. One is a teen and super busy, but if he doesn't keep the connection he'll lose her and any future relationship with her and (some day perhaps) her kids.<br>
My MIL tells me it's my job to nag, and my DH says he appreciates my concern, but I HATE nagging. I feel like a broken record.<br>
What do you think?<br>
~Amanda<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead">
 

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No, I don't think it's your job to nag. Your DH IS and adult and his relationship w/ his kids is his responsibility, not yours.<br><br>
Now, once I've got the sibling relationship to deal w/ between my babe and DH's daughter, I will consider it my prerogative to nag about visits, but in the interests of that sibling relationship as an advocate for my child, the father-daughter relationship between DH and sDD is still up to HIM, just as his relationship w/ our child will be up to him, not me.<br><br>
It's not just divorced/weekend dads that lose touch with their teenagers, it tends to be a trend with many parent/child relationships, and things could well change for the better once the kids are adults...or not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thank you Ravin, You're right and it would be a load off of my shoulders if I give myself permision to leave it to dh to make his own relationship with his dds and also my oldest dd. I tend to mettle in their relationship too. I guess I always saw my future to me a tidy little happy family, but the reality is we've got a his,mine, and ours thing going and I can't make us into a whole unified happy family. Drat!<br>
You're right on target about teens also.<br>
How's your situation going these days. Is your dh talking to his daughter on the phone regularly now? I hope she gets to visit you guys on vacations. Oh, why did family life have to become so complicated?<br>
Good luck<br>
~Amanda
 
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