[karenh]

I've been married to my second husband for 6 months and we now have a three month old son. I knew he was an alcoholic when we got together, but although he didn't completely stop drinking he was able to get his drinking down to 2-3 a couple nights a week, and that seemed good enough. The problem is, I feel like I have to watch him constantly to see if he's slipping back. There's a lot of alcoholism in my family. My dad died last summer from complications of alcoholism at 65. I'm sure part of the reason I was attracted to him in the first place is because he's a drinker. I have a glass of wine or two if we go out for dinner, but we generally don't keep alchohol in the house. Another problem is that about a year ago, he got a prescription for Ativan (an anti-anxiety drug), and now I'm worried that he's becoming dependent on that, as well. I feel like my perception of what's normal and not is totally skewed by my upbringing. Why does it bother me so much when he drinks only as much as most people in America? He never gets abusive or out of control. Most of the time I can't tell the difference if he's been drinking or not, so why do I feel so scared by it? I don't want to issue an ultimatum - it doesn't seem like a good idea to say he has to quit completely or I'll leave him. And if I do, how do I know how far to let it go? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/dizzy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Dizzy">:

 

[perl]

<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s Have you ever been to an Al-Anon meeting? Check it out online or in your local telephone book - they can be an invaluable resource and support for family members of people with substance abuse issues. HTH!

 

[kiminsac]

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[mmace]

Just checking to see if my thoughts are welcome - I've been separated from my husband for almost four years now, but he definitely has substance abuse issues, and is currently in jail (with work release) after his second DUI....<br><br>
I don't want to crash the party though, if you are looking to talk with people currently in relationships with someone with substance abuse issues, because even though we are legally married I don't consider us as having any relationship anymore.<br><br>
Either way - I wish you the best!

 

[karenh]

thanks for the input. A lot of the problem is that he's a musician and plays at bars almost every weekend, plus rehearsal one night a week, so drinking is part of the territory. We live in a small town where the only recreational event <span style="text-decoration:underline;">is</span> drinking, at least that's what it feels like. I'm starting to think that counselling for both of us, alone and together wouldn't be a bad idea.

 

[Galatea]

My husband is an addict. He is clean now but there was a long time he wasn't. I did al-anon. It was helpful, but eventually the religious orientation and old-fashioned-gender-roles-advice turned me off. (No one give me any crap on this b/c I went to 5 meetings a week and was on service committees and gave my lead several times. So I did do it right.)<br><br>
Anyhoo, you can give him an ultimatum, but then you'd have to go through with it or else you'd really lose credibility. I am also the child of 2 alcoholics and it is weird to think that I chose my husband based on dysfunctional family patterns. Sometimes I think I don't want to be married to him, but I know that I have to work on myself or else I'd carry my dysfunctional strategies into another relationship.<br><br>
FWIW, I didn't know my husband was an addict for a long time b/c I didn't know the physical effects of his drug of choice. I just thought I was crazy. Now I know that not everything is my fault. It is very very hard to be married to an addict/alcoholic and you are looking at a lifetime of work, and if you buy the disease model, marriage to a "sick" person. On one hand, they are "sick," but on the other hand, if the addiction progresses, you may want a partner who is more stable and able to fulfill his responsibilities.<br><br>
I am sorry you are having this problem. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.<br><br>
PM if you want to talk more personally.