Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 20 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
402 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been thinking about dating/not dating a lot lately, so I was just curious about this topic. :)

I have conflicting thoughts. Mostly, I don't see myself dating for quite a while (years), if ever again. Some of it has to do with me not being ready, and some of it has to do with DS being so young.

Then there is the small part of me that really likes to look. ;-) (But would run away fast if any guy ever looked back.)

On a somewhat-related sidenote...does anyone else ever browse some of the older posts in this forum (well, the main SP one)? I'm not sure what I'm feeling...sentimental? hopeful? encouraged?...but I think it's nice to read a post from years ago, but then you can look at their recently-updated signature and tell that they are now with a partner and/or have had more babies, etc. I don't know if it will ever happen for me, or even if I really want it to, but I'm happy those mamas got what they wanted. Sometimes, I think it would be nice to hear some updates from former single mama's!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,405 Posts
Honestly, I haven't dated much at all in the last few years. I did have a year long relationship after my marriage ended, but he was long distance-ish (60 miles away) so we only saw each other on weekends. In the last year, I decided that I only want to date someone that I can see it leading to marriage, and that I am not interested in casual dating at all. So, when the right guy comes along, I'll go with it, but, until then, I'm just living my life.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,902 Posts
At the moment, I am choosing not to pursue dating.

I think that I would like to be in a relationship again in the future, but I'm enjoying the focus on myself for right now.

If someone were to approach me, I would likely give it a shot. But I'm not actively looking for dates.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
4,488 Posts
for a little while, i was definitely not dating. now, like sparklefairy, i'm not trying to date (except for that disastrous craigslist situation, which placed me firmly back in the camp of not trying to date) - but i'm not opposed. for the one millionth time: i really want someone to like me. however, lately i've been noticing more and more how many things i already want to do with what little free time i get. work on my house, spend time with girlfriends, doing artsy/crafty stuff, just catching up on sleep or reading in bed . . . i don't really have time for a relationship. fooling around, sure, i could squeeze that in. :D but i don't have anyone to do that with.

i have to admit, my position on dating doesn't really have anything to do with where my kids are at. i kind of think that if i'm going to end up in a serious relationship, sooner is better than later (i mean, while my kids are still fairly young) just because i think it would be harder for them to adjust if i'm single for five years or something . . . but i don't see dating taking much, if any, time away from my boys. if it seemed like it would cut into quality time with them, then i would be more hesitant.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
596 Posts
I chose not to date for 5 years. Then I dated a man for a year and now I'm single again. My kids were 3 and 1.5 yrs old when we divorced. I started out on government support while trying to make do on low paying jobs, then I worked my way through school without a lot of support from friends and family. When I graduated, I commuted to work for a while until I moved to where I am now. Through it all I was in and out of court with my ex. I had no time or energy to think about dating.

I also had abuse issues I felt I needed to work through. Relationships don't come naturally to me on any level. I'm shy and don't flirt a lot, and when I am in relationships I tend to pick the wrong kind of man. It just worked out for me to raise my kids alone - really alone - rather than split myself another way to try to maintain a relationship that probably wouldn't go well, on top of everything else that was going on in my life.

I get frustrated at how many people do not see being single as a valid lifestyle choice. I stopped talking about it openly after several people responded with disbelief: rolling their eyes, or saying "Yeah, that's what they all say", or whatever. I had a doctor require a pregnancy test as a part of an exam once after I told her I wasn't sexually active - the more I tried to explain myself the more convinced she became that I was hiding something. :( I never went back there again. I have never regretted being single for so long, but I have felt embarrassed about it. People tend to assume that if you are an adult then you are sexually active. I've had sexual abuse issues, and it's not a topic I'm comfortable enough with to defend myself against people who act like there is something wrong with me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,185 Posts
this stuff is complicated. in theory i'd love to have someone to lean on, work together with, and relate to. plus sex. in reality, i don't know anyone appropriate to date, and online dating is utter crap, in my experience. plus, i don't need another person to feel obligated to, i have enough responsibilities and things i'm trying to get done. and after proving so, so well that i suck at picking good guys i think maybe i should work on myself a bit. oh, and i'm too independent to tolerate most of the crap i see my friends with partners putting up with. if mr. perfect arrived in my life i could revise my stance, but for now being alone works. (well, aside fromt he celibacy thing. that stinks)
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,287 Posts
I'm not going to be for a long while. I had thought I'd give it to the fall when the divorce should be finalized, but our living situation changed. We were supposed to be moving to my dad's house (he's relocating) but now we're going to be living at my grandparents. Yeah, that ain't gonna work! I don't intend on introducing any dating partners to my kids for a long while. What I may do is join a meetup hiking and/or photography group after I move so at least I can flirt a bit.

In reality, if I'm back in school and caring for the kids nearly full-time, I'm not going to give up the one or two weekends a month I don't have them with me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,101 Posts
Quote:
Originally Posted by josybear View Post

this stuff is complicated. in theory i'd love to have someone to lean on, work together with, and relate to. plus sex. in reality, i don't know anyone appropriate to date, and online dating is utter crap, in my experience. plus, i don't need another person to feel obligated to, i have enough responsibilities and things i'm trying to get done. and after proving so, so well that i suck at picking good guys i think maybe i should work on myself a bit. oh, and i'm too independent to tolerate most of the crap i see my friends with partners putting up with. if mr. perfect arrived in my life i could revise my stance, but for now being alone works. (well, aside fromt he celibacy thing. that stinks)
This is just how I feel, too!

I've gone on a couple dates but have only been in one relationship (of about 10 months) since divorce. At times I wonder if I'm missing some gene or something, why I'm not yearning to be in a relationship like the rest of the world. But in truth, I feel like another adult around all the time would be invasive in time I have at home with my child. We have our routine, we stay busy, and when we're not busy, I cherish our quality time. The rest of the time I feel like working on myself, from work-related things to everything else. Like Josybear, if I happened upon a really great person who I enjoyed and was kind to my child and to me, of course I'd certainly think about dating him! But to actively seek people out, go on dates with strangers, going through that whole weeding process.... blehhhh. I dated constantly since I was a teenager. What I ultimately wanted to end up with was a family - namely, a child. And that's what I've got!
smile.gif
So I'm enjoying him as much as I can!

I also agree with the poster Kythe, above, about people who don't see being single as a valid lifestyle choice. Maybe I've been "alone" too long or something, but at this point it surprises me how many people will put up with anything just to be in a "relationship" - even if they're miserable! I truly don't get it. And I think it's sad that so many don't feel whole without being part of a couple. It's scary to rely that much on someone else! Not being part of a couple isn't necessarily alone. There are friends. There is family. And for us on this board, we're also parents, so are hardly "alone" - we have family around all the time - our kids!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,825 Posts
I'm not dating. It just seems like a complication I really don't need in my life. when the kids are older and I'm feeling really good about life then I may consider it. Otherwise I just don't want the complications. Like obsessing over if he likes me, are my kids don't much for him, did I say the wrong thing, what if it doesn't work out etc. All that crap that goes with dating. I'm not prepared for taking all that on. I really need to focus on the kids and myself for now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,062 Posts
I haven't dated in almost 6 years now. Like others, I am shy and spent a lot of my time working and raising my kids. I didn't need another person to make it more complicated. I had enough people making my life complicated. I married young, had a son, divorced and then got involved with dd's dad less than a year following. We dated for 12 years and then I had dd.

I am now at the point that I am interested. I miss sex and I have recently met a few guys that seem like they might be interesting to get to know. I think it wise for a woman to wait a period of time before partnering again after children. At least it is true for me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
773 Posts
Quote:
this stuff is complicated. in theory i'd love to have someone to lean on, work together with, and relate to. plus sex. in reality, i don't know anyone appropriate to date, and online dating is utter crap, in my experience. plus, i don't need another person to feel obligated to, i have enough responsibilities and things i'm trying to get done. and after proving so, so well that i suck at picking good guys i think maybe i should work on myself a bit. oh, and i'm too independent to tolerate most of the crap i see my friends with partners putting up with. if mr. perfect arrived in my life i could revise my stance, but for now being alone works. (well, aside fromt he celibacy thing. that stinks)
yeahthat.gif
x100.

Edited to clarify by adding quote...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
852 Posts
Yeah for the first 18 mos- 2 years after the divorce I had NO desire to date. I really felt like I needed a man like I needed a hole in the head. Plus where would I find the time?? Now I am starting to change my mind a bit and am trying to meet someone. But I'm pretty clear that if I meet someone they really can't be integrated in my day to day life so the relationship would have to be sort of at arm's length if that's even possible. I just think bringing someone in to my kid's lives would not be in their best interests right now with everything they have to deal with. So the little dating I've done has only been with the kids are with their dad.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
616 Posts
i am decidely not dating (but i also have really bad self esteem and think i couldn't find anyone even if i was trying). i did date someone right after ending my relationship with DS dad and it was a mistake. we were both just getting out of realtionships and just attached to one another way too intensely. but right now i see DS too little as it is (work and sharing with his dad) i don't want to be distracted by anything. plus i just feel like who in the world would want me... i'm poor, overweight, and stressed out. so i need to deal with those things obviously before i start trying to date.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,755 Posts
I also think it'll likely be years before I date again. While it would be nice to find my "soulmate" tomorrow so DD would never know what it's like to not have a dad and so DS would finally have one, I know that's pretty much NOT going to happen. Even if I did meet a great guy I can't imagine dating, I figure if he were still around in a couple years then we'd see. I'm back to being a relationshipphobe. lol

I also love hearing about former single moms. I'm so happy for them! And it gives me hope.
love.gif
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,535 Posts
I started to but I really hate casual dating and want someone who I can depend on, cares about me, etc. It was really hard for me to find the sparks and when I did I was getting back bad signs so I stopped seeing them. I really had no motivation to date and really just wanted to make new friends and focus on myself.

Then met a guy that would probably never work long term. We get along really well and I know he really cares about me though I know he never really wanted the family or marriage thing and has been very upfront about that. I still have some fears about the whole idea of marriage and am questioning it so this relationship has been a good thing for me *now* and has been giving me what I need while I sort this stuff out in my head. My marriage and another past relationship were both abusive so I am now really sensitive and question a lot about whether something is triggering, a red flag, and issue to work through, etc. I have a lot of fears about being in another bad marriage and going through another divorce. On the other side I worry about what my dd will learn/see/feel if I never marry or have a long term boyfriend. How would both of them (dd and the guy) feel if something happened to our relationship. I also worry about what dating will look like at 40 or 50+ with how women are looked at in our culture but also marriage is no guarantee I won't have to date at those ages.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
8,592 Posts
I left my ex when ds was not quite 2 months old. I didn't date, at all, for about 3 years after that. Actually, my now dh and I joke about it all the time because I never truly dated. My ex was the first guy I "dated", and even that was more like just hanging out (not actual "dating"). Then my relationship with my now dh was far from typical. When ds was not quite 2 years old a friend of mine (who I've never met in real life, but I'd "known" from the internet for years) told me she knew of a good guy (only, funny thing is, she didn't "know" him in real life either- she knew him from playing WoW and whatever computer games
lol.gif
). So I eventually let her give me his phone number, after she wouldn't stop bugging me about him. Out of boredom one day, I called him. It turned out he lived in Kentucky (I lived in Michigan). We talked on the phone and online for like 1 1/2 years (pretty much every day for hours). After about 1 1/2 years of talking on the phone/online he decided to drive up to Michigan to take me out for my birthday (when he found out that nobody had ever taken me out for my birthday before). When we actually met, we both knew that this was it. We had a wonderful weekend (which I still tease him about because no, he didn't "get it"
winky.gif
He says his friends teased him about how he drove 2 states away to be with me and he still didn't get any action that weekend
whistling.gif
). We spent the next several months driving back and forth (we would see each other every other weekend- I would drive to Kentucky with ds one weekend and then 2 weekends later dh would drive up to Michigan, rinse and repeat for about 6 months). At that point I petitioned the court to allow me to move ds to Kentucky. Ex didn't show up to court so the Judge granted me permission. I moved down here with ds almost exactly 4 years ago (in July it will be 4 years). DH and I just got married on January 1st and are expecting a baby in October
love.gif
So I never really dated after my ex, nor did I ever feel that "I have to date" feeling. I stumbled upon my now dh and just let the relationship go where it was meant to.
thumb.gif
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17,896 Posts
i have never dated. Seriously.

I met my ex when I was 17, we had English together. We went out a few times before he moved across the country. We went long distance with it and were engaged when we got back together. gees. I wonder why it didn't work.

And then my recent man friend....we weren't really dating. We were just friends who fell kinda fell in love but still no kissing (there was lip contact like 5 times and 3 of them were when he was saying goodbye forever. all were just a quick chaste peck) no "fun promiscuous activities" (which according to the boys at work is the difference between relationship and friends.). SO I am still not sure we actually were in a dating relationship. I think we were though.

Clearly I have no clue what the heck I am doing LOL

I do know I am not interested in trying to meet someone. ManFriend was someone I met at church and we just started hanging out because quite often we were the only two people at church.

I have been divorced three years now. nothing. very little desire. I want a husband, more babies, a roll in the hay, back to a domestic life but can we skip dating please? I hate the dating and breaking up kills me. It was also hard on my kids when manfriend left. They liked him. They knew him from the start because when there is only one other person at church besides us you tend to notice him. Yet I can't think of a way for my kids to not meet the guy I am dating. I always told myself I would keep the two worlds seperate but outside of a fling that sounds impossible. I am so busy and my friends was great because he was happy to sit on the couch and chat while I knitted or paid bills or did whatever I had to do. Then he would do my dishes and tell me to relax (no, I swear this really happened). Now I just don't want to date again because I am still madly in love with him and have to get over the loss.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,565 Posts
I've never really dated either. XH and I met at a historic reenactment thing. We'd driven from opposite directions. I spent the summer in Scotland and we chatted every day that summer (yikes on the international phone cards we blew through!). About 2 weeks after we met (while calling from a phone-booth near a youth hostel), I informed him that I'd be marrying him. He agreed. (I actually said it out loud the first time on the way home that weekend to the person I was riding with. She thought I was nuts.) At the end of the summer, he moved across three states and moved in. We got married the following spring.

Fast forward 10 yrs later...we've been officially divorced for just shy of a year. I find myself in a position where I'd like to date, but honest to goodness don't know how!! I've been hiding behind my job, kid, and the surrogate-baby-bump all year. And I'm really glad I've had these two years to heal and deal with some of the baggage. There is still baggage, but most of what's left is the kind that won't go away until directly addressed.

Not quite sure where to even meet people. I could go back to the historic reenactment group, where most of my old friends are. It really doesn't interest me much any more, but it's a safe zone socially. And it's got a built in social network to vet anyone new. But it's such an all-encompassing hobby that requires so much time and travel to stay in the loop. Some people manage to stay active with small children, but DS isn't really the kind of kid that wants to be dragged around while I do my thing. And I hate driving for hours to spend half a day chasing around a bored 4 yr old, never actually getting to talk to anyone for more than 30 seconds. After almost 15 years of participation, I really don't mind being "fringe" now and just going to local things. Plus, most of the social, fun stuff is after hours...when I'd be stuck in a hotel or a tent from 8:00pm on-wards.

Even before XH, I sucked at dating. I had very few "dates". I had a few little flings, but they were all pretty harmless. So I kind of feel like I'm missing out on some key skills.

And, since I'm planning to pump for a few months, and then probably get pregnant next spring with a sibling for the baby I'm carrying now...I could easilly hole up for another year or two! At some point, that's gonna get old. :p I think, after this baby is born, I'm going to purposefully put myself out there and see what happens. Even if it's just as simple as telling a few friends "hey if you know anyone..."

Man it's scary though! No regrets on not dating up til now. I seriously wasn't ready. But, I'm starting to feel closer to ready recently (hidden safely behind my big ole baby bump).
 
1 - 20 of 20 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top