[Raene]

Yeah, I'm a horrible person. I just KNEW this baby was a boy and according to the u/s, it's a girl. I've been totally crushed, as has my partner. It's really stupid and shallow to get so caught up on the sex, really, why should it matter?? But it did matter. We already have a girl, she's 110% girl, and that's enough for us. DH said this would be our last child before finding out, and we haven't discussed anything else, but ever since finding out I've been thinking we should have another one (via surrogate...I can't have more myself). Then of course it could be another girl.

Please don't flame me. I feel badly enough caring so much about something that should be so minor. It's just that I'm not a girly girl. I wear jeans, I don't wear bras or makeup, etc. And my daughter is the complete opposite...dresses every day, she stares at herself in the mirror for hours, asks if she's beautiful all the time, etc. It makes me sick, all the self-centeredness. I was so looking forward to a boy who just wants to play in the mud and not care what he looks like.

Can anyone relate here? Or have advice? I was so sure that we had a little boy in there that I feel like a close family member has died. That doesn't mean I don't completely love the baby that IS growing in there...but she doesn't replace the boy I thought I had.

 

[Ianthe]

I totally understand. I 100% thought I was having a girl, and we're having another boy. I know I will love and adore him, but I REALLY wanted one of each. I don't want more than 2, but I would consider having another one if there was a possibility of a girl. I don't like that idea all to much either.. I don't like being pregnant all that much.

I was a total tomboy growing up.. and it sounds like you were too.. maybe you'll get a little tomboy girl this time.

 

[Raene]

Quote:

Originally Posted by LizzyQ I totally understand. I 100% thought I was having a girl, and we're having another boy. I know I will love and adore him, but I REALLY wanted one of each. I don't want more than 2, but I would consider having another one if there was a possibility of a girl. I don't like that idea all to much either.. I don't like being pregnant all that much. I was a total tomboy growing up.. and it sounds like you were too.. maybe you'll get a little tomboy girl this time.

Thanks for understanding

 

[sunflwrmoonbeam]

As you yourself are an example of, not all girls are girly girly. You could have one girly girl and one total tomboy; obviously, who knows.

What's your daughter getting influenced by that's making her so different? Does she still play in the mud? Is she active? If not, you can of course encourage all of those things (and my kids will definitely be raised to play in the mud). That could just be a phase she's in, and will grow out of. From what I understadn I had a girly phase that totally disappeared around age 6, much to my mother's dismay.

I'm 32 weeks now and my u/s says girl (as does every other way of "telling" what the sex is), and I would be totally thrown for a loop if, essentially, my daughter comes out with a penis. At least you have time to get used to it.

 

[AllyRae]

What's to stop your girl in-utero from being a tomboy or your hypothetical son from being high-maintenance and not-at-all rough and tumble? I'm not quite sure your stereotypes are helping you or your children. You yourself are not fitting the girly stereotype--every *child* is different, regardless of their gender.

And honestly, I do kind of think the reference to feeling like your little boy died is kind of offensive...some of us really *did* have our little boys die and it's not the same thing, at all. I get being disappointed...I understand that. But maybe just keep in mind that your little girl might be nothing like your girly girl daughter. And your hypothetical boy might have been more high maintenance than your daughter.

 

[AllyRae]

I also have to say that you have the chance to teach your 4 year old that it's not all about looks. If she's staring in the mirror for hours a day, perhaps have a talk about how looks aren't everything. And make sure the activities you're choosing are well rounded...museums, parks, sandboxes, zoos, toys that are dolls and trucks and digging toys and water toys. I don't think the personality at 4 necessarily determines what kind of a child they'll be when they are older... Just a thought.

 

[Raene]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AllyRae And honestly, I do kind of think the reference to feeling like your little boy died is kind of offensive...some of us really *did* have our little boys die and it's not the same thing, at all. I get being disappointed...I understand that. But maybe just keep in mind that your little girl might be nothing like your girly girl daughter. And your hypothetical boy might have been more high maintenance than your daughter.

Gosh, definitely didn't mean to offend. I am saying that for me it feels the same as when I miscarried...like I lost someone I loved. Those are my feelings.

 

[Lisa1970]

I know exactly how you feel. I was sure number 3 was a girl. I wanted a girl so bad. When he turned out to be a boy, it was like hearing that my little girl had just died. To make matters worse, I went on and have had more, but they keep being boys. I am not a girly-girl, but I wanted a girl so bad. I have one girl who is turning 13 next week. All the rest have been boys.

When they told us this one was another boy, dh sat there looking like how I have felt in the past. I am shocked I dealt with it so well. When the tech left the room, I turned to dh and said "oh well, the next one will be a girl."

It seems so wrong that people do not just have their babies boy, girl, boy, girl...and so on.

Oh, and I am not offended by your reference. I have had one of my little boys died so I know how that feels too. It does not change the whole gender disappointment feeling one can get. It is not like you feel your little one you have just died, it is just that you still are not going to have that little boy. So, while I love my boys, my girl still is not alive and here. Just because you wish to have a boy so badly, does not mean you hate your girl or wish death on her. You just still miss your boy and the fact that he has not been born yet means he, well..he is not alive.

 

[Ianthe]

When I found out I was having another boy, I certainly did (and still do) have to mourn the loss of my "little girl". I think it is completely normal to feel that way. I've also had a loss and it was just as hard for me to deal with that than it was about gender disappointment.

Yeah, it might not be socially acceptable to be caught up in gender (or sex), but the feelings still exist, and I don't think it is that uncommon. As mothers we can still be accepting of the gender roles our children are, but still be disappointed with the sex for an amount of time.

 

[DJ's_Girl]

Yep. This is our 2nd (and last) attempt for a baby girl. Our last attempt ended up boy #3 but I am sooo glad that we have him. I can not imagine my ife without him. I was disapointed at first to get boy #3 but now I am so thankful for him and glad he is a boy. I can't wait to see if this baby is a

or

!!!

 

[Norasmomma]

Yeah not all boys are all boy-boys, my friends son is more girly than my DD. Seriously he dresses in full on Disney princess garb daily. He is very much not a typical boy.

I *think* my baby is a boy this time, but if I'm wrong whatever. I have a girl, and she is a good combo of girly and tomboy.

Not all boys are not self absorbed, I know lots of boys who grew into men who are completely self absorbed and could look into the mirror at themselves for hours. I guess you just have to wait and see what this kid is like.

 

[pinksprklybarefoot]

I, too, was really hoping to have a girl this time around. We are most likely done having kids, because DH has a DD and we will have two DSs between us. Although it is nice having a girl in the house, it is also a painful daily reminder that I will never have a daughter of my own.

 

[famille_huggins]

In my last pregnancy, I saw my perinatologist (who is very skilled and has unbelievable u/s equipment) at 17 weeks and was told *without a doubt* I was going to have a baby girl. I was actually quite excited and right away started stocking up on all things pink.

I even painted the nursery pink and green. At 20 weeks, I returned for a follow-up sono, and the peri discovered a penis on my little "girl." I don't know how that little addition was missed, and while I was still excited to be having a baby, I was heartbroken that I wasn't having a girl. At the time, it truly felt like someone had died.

A little over two weeks later, Zachary did actually die after a series of terrible complications and I bargained like crazy to keep my son -- all to no avail. I realized then that the disappointment I felt was nothing like an actual loss or death, still, it was very real at the time.

I hope you get things figured out...

 

[serenekitten]

We were all hoping for a girl. I "felt" I was having a girl, but I guess it was just wishful thinking. I was crushed for a while, and I'm still not completely enthused with the idea... but I'm getting there.

We're not horrible people, believe it or not. We're just human.

 

[Talula Fairie]

I did for about .02 seconds. Then I realized we'd likely have another girl anyway

I Have bipolar and I can't take my meds in pregnancy, I get HG in pregnancy, and it's a hardship on me and my family. Plus, I really don't think we want or can really afford 4 kids at this juncture in our lives.

 

[Serenyd]

I soo wanted a girl with my 1st pg, and I was so sad when they said it was a boy, I felt like crying! But now I love my two boys and I'm glad it worked out this way. Turns out I'm having a girl this time around, and to be honest I'd have been happy to have another boy. I'm kind of a tomboy too and I'm worried about having a high-maintenance girl to deal with! So I can understand what you mean.

 

[tankgirl136]

I so wish I could change u/s results with you!!! I so wanted a girl as did DH, and then we saw a penis

I had a feeling it would be a boy but did not want to think it was possible. This will most likely be our only and I am sad that my dreams I had of things I would teach and do with my daughter are gone. Some of these things just can not be done with a boy. I will have to create new dreams now.

I am 50/50 some days I am open to the fact I am having a boy and thinking of what I will do with him, but on other days I see little boys and I freak out or think maybe the u/s could be wrong. But I know I will fall in love with this baby when I see him even if I am still uncomfortable to use the masculine pronouns now. I have to say though I am happy I found out now though because I think it would have been harder to let my girl dreams go after the babe is born.

Dreams change and sometimes they are very hard to let go, especially when it comes to your children.

 

[umbrella]

If you have a desire for a certain sex because you have expectations, you have to consider that the sex you want may Not fit your expectations.

 

[Italiamom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Raene Yeah, I'm a horrible person.

You're not a horrible person. You're human! You have emotions that may not coincide with how you would "like" to feel, or how you think you "should" feel. And that's okay. It doesn't mean you won't love your new daughter, or be a great mother to her.

I personally think that it's nice to see folks share feelings that might not be popular. Everyone has 'em...

 

[soso-lynn]

I'm with AllyRae on this. The only reason any human being acts in a hyper gendered way is because they have be taught that. If you believe gender is real, chances are your children will too and they will live their lives accordingly. You should be breaking down the idea of gender for your children, not hoping they will live up to stereotypes (or even rebel against them).

I hope that the feelings you are having now can lead you to questionning your assumptions on the role of X and Y chromosomes in your family. It might turn out to be a very productive experience.