[MysteryMama]

Hi, I'm new here, and just wondering if anyone else is in my boat... I am a SAHM to an 8 week old, and basically get almost NO breaks. Since he's been born I have been out of the house once by myself. My dh works two jobs and is of NO help when he actually is home and I feel guilty asking him to take ds off my hands for even a minute because he works so much. I am starting to go stir crazy as I never get out. My mil would be willing to watch ds for us, but dh is never off work long enough for us to do anything. I can't ever do anything without dh either, as I am left home with NO money of my own. I love ds, but sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits end, desperate for a break that never comes.

 

[muckemom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeannie81 Hi, I'm new here, and just wondering if anyone else is in my boat... I am a SAHM to an 8 week old, and basically get almost NO breaks. Since he's been born I have been out of the house once by myself. My dh works two jobs and is of NO help when he actually is home and I feel guilty asking him to take ds off my hands for even a minute because he works so much. I am starting to go stir crazy as I never get out. My mil would be willing to watch ds for us, but dh is never off work long enough for us to do anything. I can't ever do anything without dh either, as I am left home with NO money of my own. I love ds, but sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits end, desperate for a break that never comes.

Would your MIL only be willing to was DS if you and Dh were doing something together? Or would she do it just for you to go out? I don't know about your financial situation but you could look into a mother's helper... you should try and get out of the house for at least a few hours, you can't be a good mommy if your completely burnt out.

Hugs to you mamma and congrats on the little one!!

 

[Tori Gollihugh]

I've been in the same boat, with regard to the no time out/alone, but not in the same boat with regard to your feeling of being at your wits end. I had to return to work when my DD was six and a half weeks old, which you might think is good, but because of my feelings about the whole thing it was worse because I went from working at school directly home with no down time and my DH turning our DD over to me immediately with no respite. I didn't feel overwhelmed or terribly frustrated about that until DD was nearly 9 months old, though.... Just took me a while longer, I think.

However, I think that an idea I've heard work very well for other mothers would very likely work well for you! What you do is find another mama whose views and beliefs (especially on parenting) are very like your own. Yall spend time together (mostly to make sure you would be comfy leaving your kiddo with her, but also to develop and outside friendship) and then after a while you start exchanging babysitting. That way both of you get some time away from your respective kiddos - and on another day your kiddo gets a playmate!

I haven't actually done this because of the circumstances of my life thus far, but I hope to establish some friendships that I would be willing to do this as a part.

Regarding the money thing... you don't have to spend money to go out and have some time of your own. I highly recommend Barnes and Noble (if you have one nearby) and the public library as great places to have time with yourself.

However, if there's some specific reason you really need money, perhaps you and DH need to sit down and figure out a budget that includes a little bit of spending money for BOTH of you each week (that way at least you can save up your weekly allotment and spend it on whatever you want WHEN you want!). DH and I are going to do this when we have ANY extra money... thus far I'm the only one that has spent the extra money when it's been around because DH just wants me to have what I want for our home, child, family, or self. *sigh* What a good guy!

Just my suggestions. HTH!

 

[kittywitty]

The few times dh has tried to help out he has made a bigger mess than there was originally, and I have to interrogate him about what he did to suck up. Can you tell it doesn't happen very often if I start getting paranoid about his motives?

 

[MysteryMama]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Tori Gollihugh However, I think that an idea I've heard work very well for other mothers would very likely work well for you! What you do is find another mama whose views and beliefs (especially on parenting) are very like your own. Yall spend time together (mostly to make sure you would be comfy leaving your kiddo with her, but also to develop and outside friendship) and then after a while you start exchanging babysitting. That way both of you get some time away from your respective kiddos - and on another day your kiddo gets a playmate! I haven't actually done this because of the circumstances of my life thus far, but I hope to establish some friendships that I would be willing to do this as a part.

this is a great idea except that 1) i woulden't know where to find a friend like this close to me and 2) they would have to be REALLY close cause i don't have a vehicle of my own and 3) i have a hard time trusting anyone outside of family with ds

 

[phathui5]

I'd highly recommend finding your local LLL group and going there. You'll find some other SAHM friends, which can lead to having stuff to do during the day.

 

[lillake]

Quote:

Originally Posted by jeannie81 Hi, I'm new here, and just wondering if anyone else is in my boat... I am a SAHM to an 8 week old, and basically get almost NO breaks. Since he's been born I have been out of the house once by myself. My dh works two jobs and is of NO help when he actually is home and I feel guilty asking him to take ds off my hands for even a minute because he works so much. I am starting to go stir crazy as I never get out. My mil would be willing to watch ds for us, but dh is never off work long enough for us to do anything. I can't ever do anything without dh either, as I am left home with NO money of my own. I love ds, but sometimes I feel like I'm at my wits end, desperate for a break that never comes.

I'm in a very simular situation. I've got a 2 year old and a 2 month old that I'm with 24/7. Dh works nights and sleeps all day, basically he comes home just to go to bed and gets up only an hour before he has to go to work. I'm left with a car that only works when it feels like it, no money, and I don't know any here. I would love a break, if only a few minutes, where I'm not the only person who takes care of the kids and the house.

 

[ladybugchild77]

Mama!
I too take care of "everything" and have since dd was born. I know it can feel very overwhelimng at times and perhaps you get lonely like I did? Dh wokrs 12+ hour days and we are "falt broke" so I understand...As the pp have suggested, I often go out to the public library and bookstore with my dd. Do you have a baby carrier? I take her there on the bus since we share a car. I also take dd for a walk every day in the morning which we both love and it gets rid of the suffocating feeling of being stuck in the house. Do you have parks nearby? That's actually where I met a lot of great Mamas! I also loked on the MDC finding your tribe thread and met one of my very best friends - you'd never know this tiny town had any other AP Mamas but we're her - you just have to hunt!

Good luck and HTH!!! Congrats on the new little one!

P.S. -Forgot to mention that your dc is still little and it gets a little easier when they are more independent...I promise!

 

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

I have a 5yo and a 21mo I spend almost every waking and sleeping moment with them 23/7 every 2-6 months my mom will keep them a few hours The longest I have ever been away from either is 8 hours max. That has only happened 1-3 times since having my dd. I do get a 30min bath every couple days and a possible 1hr one every month or so. I suffer from mommie burn out more than I like.

I do have a van and can go when I need to so I dont have to spend all the time with them at home. If I did I know I couldnt handle it. My dh is not helpfull with the things to do with the kids. He works comes home to rest, sleeps then goes back to work. So nope you are definatly not alone.

 

[Jaydens_mom]

You know, i was thinking about making a thread like this less than 2 mins ago.
I am almost in tears here, im sooooo tired.

My sons father and i split up when i was 7 mos preg, he has always made a point of coming in and out of his sons life and i was starting to get REALLY mad. Eventually things started looking up, it seemed like he really wanted to be there for his son and was taking him every second weekend.. Mutually (non-court order). Then he dissapeared, when his weekend came he never called, i drove to his apt and his room mate said "he moved out"... my son was screaming "daddy daddddyyyyyy!!!" and balling his little eyes out in the car. That for me was the last straw.

Now i don't have ANYONE to take my son off my hands for even an hour. My s/o whom i live with works to support us as I am a SAHM. Like in your case, i feel guilty asking him to watch my son when he's home, because he works and i don't; also because my ds isn't his biological child (which i have had thrown in my face numerous times by him). My s/o and i have been living together 2 years now, and he alllwayyysss leaves his kids in my care while he sleeps in on thier visitation weekends even though we stay at his parents during those weekends because of the driving distance (4 hours) between our home and his childrens homes.

My mother and father also live 4 hours away in the same town as my IL's so asking them to take my ds off my hands for an hour isn't an option.
It realllyyy sucks ( to sum it up into one blunt word ), all i want is a damn nap, and my 2 1/2 year old ds doesn't seem to share my desire... so i guess I am just going to be a worn out, crabby, mess.

I also, have NO money, NO friends, NO vehicle, and am EXPECTED to have the house spotless upon my s/o's arrival home from work.

 

[Korimomto2]

Just wanted to reiterate what a pp said...when your babe gets older (even if you still have no help/no breaks) it should get easier. I was in your situation with my first (my ds) plus I had some ppd issues. When we started going to a weekly playgroup, my whole attitude changed. Things got easier. Mostly because we were able to get out and be social. I know you said you didn't have transportation, but maybe you could take walks in your neighborhood everyday? maybe you'd meet another mom while you were out!

 

[kfowler]

I am in a similar boat. My dh will help with our 4 3/4 month old ds occasionally but, now that we've been putting ds to bed earlier every night, by the time dh finally gets home, he usually only has ds for about 30 minutes before it's time for ds to go to sleep. Dh will take the baby on the weekends so that I can sleep in, however, it's kind of hard to sleep in when dh is coming in every 15 minutes of so asking me this and that. "I don't know why ds is crying. Could he be hungry?" "How much do you usually feed him?" As always, it's things that could either wait or that dh should know by now but he just HAS to bother me, I think because he's resentful that I am sleeping in while he has the baby.

Other than the little help I get from dh with the baby and housework (dh does the dishes occasionally but nothing else), I have no one to help me. My mother's and mil's idea of "help" is to come over and take the baby from me. I don't need help caring for my child, thank you very much. I can manage that on my own. What I need help with is everything else - the housework, errands that need to be run, yard work, etc. But if I dare to complain to anyone, all I ever hear is "Welcome to motherhood." Either that or "Well..*I* did it all by MYself so why can't you?" I swear to you, if I hear either of those phrases ONE more time, I'll snap.

I also don't have any friends other than online ones so that makes it hard too, along with not having a second car. Basically I'm stuck inside the house all day with no one to talk to other than ds.

Maybe you can do what I'm trying to do and look into joining some mommy and me groups? That might help. You could also try talking to your dh about helping you out more but, if he's anything like my dh, it won't do much good.

I wish you lots of luck. Sorry I couldn't help more.

Kfowler

 

[camotyka]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMoMof2 He works comes home to rest, sleeps then goes back to work. So nope you are definatly not alone.

This sounds just like my DH. His new job he started 6 months ago was hopefully going to give us all more time together since he was "working from home" but now he has to travel more. I think in the 3 years since my son has been born I have only been away once and that was for a block of very early AM hours when my younger sister was in an accident. I'd love to find time on a monthly basis to visit the B&N as another mama said but easier said then done.

 

[~Demeter~]

Ick.. this sounds very much like my life. My DH works a typical day, comes home, hops on the computer and that is where he sits until he goes to sleep.

: When I am asking the 3 boys to do things and they refuse to listen I have to poke my husband and ask him to reinforce my requests. Sometimes this works other times not so much. It can be rather frustrating at times. Sometimes I wonder how in the heck we ever had anything in common to produce the two we do have.

: (oldest has a different father) I have been a SAHM for 8 yrs now and for the most part love it. I can recall times when mine were babies and my middle son was quite the needy one, when my DH would get home sometimes it took all I had not to just hand the baby over and run away for an hour. I couldn't even shower by myself.. only recently has that become a possibility. I also can recall because I breastfed my DH didn't think he should take part in nighttime feedings/soothings. We co-slept with all of ours but I can recall (again with DS#2) when he was a few weeks old and I had absolutely NO SLEEP in what felt like years, and I was dealing with a toddler on top of that, it was around 3am and the baby was crying and crying.. I got so frustrated because nothing I was doing was helping. Of course frustration doesn't help at all but I was seriously sleep deprived with a constantly cranky babe. I nudged my DH and told him he HAD to take the baby because I was afraid I was going to hurt him. To me it was a very real and scary possibility. I needed to remove myself for a few minutes.

My DH made me feel like a terrible mama for this but as soon as he picked up the baby he stopped crying and fell asleep.. the sleep he was fighting for over an hour with me. Things do get easier in terms of doing it on your own as the baby gets older. They become somewhat more independent and when they can actually communicate more than crying or eating it becomes more interesting as well. Trying to get my DH to understand that being a SAHM isn't an easy ride.. that even if the house isn't ****-n-span spotless I still did alot that day. He seems to make me feel like my job is nothing because I don't bring in any money.. and I try to explain to him I am raising the future of our world and that is more important than money to me no matter how hard we struggle at times. There are days where I would give my left leg to be able to go to the bathroom by myself.. of course now as they are older it is not quite all of them crowding in on me while I am in there but my very active 4yr old seems to think it's the greatest to just barge right on in.. closed doors don't mean anything in this house. Of course now that they are older and don't need so much care it is possible for me to slip away for a few hours when he is home but I constantly worry if he is caring for them the way I do.

 

[TinkerBelle]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mumof3Nic Ick.. this sounds very much like my life. My DH works a typical day, comes home, hops on the computer and that is where he sits until he goes to sleep. : When I am asking the 3 boys to do things and they refuse to listen I have to poke my husband and ask him to reinforce my requests. Sometimes this works other times not so much. It can be rather frustrating at times. Sometimes I wonder how in the heck we ever had anything in common to produce the two we do have. : (oldest has a different father) I have been a SAHM for 8 yrs now and for the most part love it. I can recall times when mine were babies and my middle son was quite the needy one, when my DH would get home sometimes it took all I had not to just hand the baby over and run away for an hour. I couldn't even shower by myself.. only recently has that become a possibility. I also can recall because I breastfed my DH didn't think he should take part in nighttime feedings/soothings. We co-slept with all of ours but I can recall (again with DS#2) when he was a few weeks old and I had absolutely NO SLEEP in what felt like years, and I was dealing with a toddler on top of that, it was around 3am and the baby was crying and crying.. I got so frustrated because nothing I was doing was helping. Of course frustration doesn't help at all but I was seriously sleep deprived with a constantly cranky babe. I nudged my DH and told him he HAD to take the baby because I was afraid I was going to hurt him. To me it was a very real and scary possibility. I needed to remove myself for a few minutes. My DH made me feel like a terrible mama for this but as soon as he picked up the baby he stopped crying and fell asleep.. the sleep he was fighting for over an hour with me. Things do get easier in terms of doing it on your own as the baby gets older. They become somewhat more independent and when they can actually communicate more than crying or eating it becomes more interesting as well. Trying to get my DH to understand that being a SAHM isn't an easy ride.. that even if the house isn't ****-n-span spotless I still did alot that day. He seems to make me feel like my job is nothing because I don't bring in any money.. and I try to explain to him I am raising the future of our world and that is more important than money to me no matter how hard we struggle at times. There are days where I would give my left leg to be able to go to the bathroom by myself.. of course now as they are older it is not quite all of them crowding in on me while I am in there but my very active 4yr old seems to think it's the greatest to just barge right on in.. closed doors don't mean anything in this house. Of course now that they are older and don't need so much care it is possible for me to slip away for a few hours when he is home but I constantly worry if he is caring for them the way I do.

I don't see how you would even remotely be considered a "bad" parent. Maybe the one in your home who considers the computer to be more important should be looking at himself more. The fact that you cannot even shower says a lot. I am lucky that I have never had a problem being able to go to the bathroom or shower by myself, but I feel for you.

Again I ask, WHY do these "men" bother to marry and produce children? I mean, I understand that some guys do work 2 jobs to support the family. Okay, fine. But that still does not mean they could not care for their own kids for a couple of hours a week.

 

[~Demeter~]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle I don't see how you would even remotely be considered a "bad" parent. Maybe the one in your home who considers the computer to be more important should be looking at himself more. The fact that you cannot even shower says a lot. I am lucky that I have never had a problem being able to go to the bathroom or shower by myself, but I feel for you. Again I ask, WHY do these "men" bother to marry and produce children? I mean, I understand that some guys do work 2 jobs to support the family. Okay, fine. But that still does not mean they could not care for their own kids for a couple of hours a week.

I don't understand how he could consider me a bad parent either! Over the years he has come to understand that parenting isn't as easy as he thought.. (especially for him..computer *grumble*) He sees the difference in the way I care for our children and the way others that have children around us care for theirs. My SIL was good for CIO, breastfeeding on a schedule.. and any number of things that I felt were terribly wrong. I have expressed to him that I find it disturbing to be around her when she has babies because my mommy instinct SCREAMS she shouldn't be caring for children. I think deep down he knows I am the best mama I can be (and I am always looking for ways to better myself as a parent) but when things go wrong and I don't have the capacity to deal with it alone he gets frustrated with teh interruption in his life. (yes yes I know.. he is the parent too and should have just as many interruptions as myself) I think he perceives his mother as super-mom... she did it all without help from her husband either. I think he expects me to be the same at times.. like having the house spotless before he comes home

: who the heck came up with this plan?? If my house is messy there's a reason for it! Like maybe the kids were needy that day and we did things together instead of cleaning. My grandmother (who raised me) has a lovely saying, she said to me once that she used to think that she would prefer her house to be messy and feel lived in rather than be spotless, pristine and sterile. I think I have to agree with this philosophy. She was a SAHM too btw and as wonderful as my papa is he didn't become very "domestic" until just recently.

ooh.. considered my rant done.. I didn't mean to go on for so long.