Mothering Forum banner

1 - 18 of 18 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
363 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Ok, maybe I am just venting...but here goes:<br><br>
Anyone else out there like this: I work 40 hrs/wk and when I get home dh hands me the baby and takes off for a job at a restaurant and ds and i are asleep when he gets home. I don't even get to ask about naps/things they did/how they both are doing most of the time. Here's the rub: I've got the steady gov't job and he (says he) wants to be a writer. I guess I am living in dreamland b/c I think, OK, I don't mind leaving ds (dh keeps him) and having the steady job that I am growing to dislike more and more if it is all worth it ( to let dh fulfill his dream) and ds is doing well. But I have moved two times since ds (16 mos) was born because of my job, once my choice, once not. And dh worries about bills because my pay is good but not great though we sure are better off than most people in this world it seems. So he worries and tries to find a job that will bring in some money but not cost daycare and his answer is: swank restaurants. OK, he's right in a way and it has worked also with our moving so much and living in not very big towns/rural areas (I work for the Dept. of agriculture) But I HATE IT. When we moved here i asked if he could just work every other weekend or say, not every night and he acted like he'd consider it but lately he has worked every single night and weekend and on his one night off, he closes himself up in a room to write ( or do some home improvement project so we can make more $$ when we sell the house, i don't want to keep moving but we haven't found home just yet). Am I just selfish? DS is doing well and I have made peace with the "get home and start your second job" thing but I keep thinking: where is my family? What do we do as a family? why do i have a husband? we don't even eat dinner together and don't even get me started about holidays because he hasn't had/won't take one off at all and I end up going to my parents/sisters and giving up but I feel like my own family just isn't taking off, you know? If i felt like there was some end to it or some final goal maybe it would be easier but it's always just like " oh we need more money to pay this bill or that bill and then when it's paid, the car need a repair or somebody needs dental work, you know?" And when I read some posts about dhs who won't help with dcs or around the house I feel really guilty because dh is really good. Maybe i am just typical and just want more of his time. I think it doesn't help that we both come from big families but his fell apart about the time he was in middle school and mine still stays together through all the fights and disagreements.<br><br>
anybody in this boat? anybody got some ideas? even just a hug or a smack might do <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/angry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="angry"> (
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,840 Posts
I feel ya Janebug. Dh and I split shifts for 3 years, just stopped about 3 months ago because he lost his job. He almost always had weekends off, though and I think that can make things easier. At least we knew we had two whole days and nights together every week.<br><br>
We kept daily notebooks for each other which helped A LOT. One notebook was the "business" notebook - where we kept notes to each other on what kid did or needed to do what, bills that needed to be paid, stuff to be done around the house, etc. The second was the "nice" notebook, where we just wrote notes of general interest to each other and we both kept gratitude lists in it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,505 Posts
I don't have much advice, but I didn't want to read without giving you a hug <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
My DH works second shift and I work first, but he does get days off! I understand that your DH wants to have time to write, but I really do think time with your spouse is very important...could you just gently say that you really miss him and could you guys at least have dinner as a family on his day off? And a holiday once in a while?<br><br>
Anyway, I hope you are able to work it out...I would miss my DH terribly if that was going on in my house!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,792 Posts
We've headed down that road a few times. When it feels like I'm just never seeing dh outside "business" -- what needs to get done, what bills need to get paid -- and it feels like I'm not getting any time at all to myself, we have a talk. I remind him that I share his goals and want to support him as much as I can, and I appreciate what he's doing for our family, but that I miss *him.* Spending time with him that is just for our family, for having fun, for relaxing. You can't always work toward the future. The present deserves to be enjoyed, too. Otherwise, what if something tragic happens and you never get to enjoy the future together? Would all that sacrificing of time together be worth it then? And in order for me to be a sane, happy earthmama369, I also need some time to myself. It's all well and good that he can choose to work on his projects at night when the baby and I are both sleeping, but that doesn't mean that I automatically get fulltime baby duty the next morning without a break.<br><br>
Have high expectations for your partner, mama. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> We do for each other and that keeps us on a pretty even keel. I make sure that the days where he gets to focus *obsessively* on his projects are exceptions -- special treats -- not the rule, and he does the same for me. We try to be really careful not to take each other for granted.<br><br>
Good luck!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
19 Posts
I hear ya, Jane bug. DH and I have the same issue. I am the breadwinner and DH is starting his "dream" business. I work fulltime and he works even more, trying to get things started. I feel like we NEVER see each other, and when we do, all we talk about is bills and chores and end up stressing ourselves out even more.<br><br>
Sometimes (OK- A LOT of the time), I just end up feeling resentful that I have to work to support everyone and be away from my DS way too much. And then when I'm finally home, I feel too tired to give DS my full attention. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I don't have any advice, just a big hug going out to you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,888 Posts
My dh and I have had split shifts for about 6 years. It started when I was in graduate school, (I didn't work, but dh took his "weekends" when I had classes). Now he works nights while I am a teacher. I often feel robbed. However, I think that my kids are enjoying so much more of their dad than I ever did. We rarely have dates (only when my mom is in town) so that kind of stinks. My dh's days off now are Wed and Thurs, and I have a class on Thurs so really we only have Wed night together. I have gotten used to sleeping with babies instead of my dh. (sad, i Know).<br><br>
We really don't have much choice at this point though, since we have a special needs infant (seizures) and most day cares wouldn't take him even if we wanted day care.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,176 Posts
This was how I felt when DH and I worked opposite shifts. I was working from 6-2 and he worked from 3-12. I had a long commute and would meet DH in front of his work at 2:57 to pick up DD. It was so hard. He worked every weekend and holiday and we never saw each other. We both felt sometimes like single parents with really good childcare (I don’t mean to minimize what single parents feel, but I think I got a feel for what it would be like, although they wouldn’t have the benefit of the second income and some of the other benefits of having another adult in the household even if you don’t see him or her). When we did see each other we usually fought because we were both tired and stressed. It was really hard. I got a new job in an area with a low cost of living and we decided to try the SAHD route. We both worried about money for a while, and it was hard not to panic at first, but it worked well for us. I really had to sit down and look at our finances and make a strict budget. Right now we are talking about having him go to work PT so we can make a little extra money to buy a house. If we did that we would have his paychecks directly deposited to our savings and we would decide to do it for a maximum period of a year. I think a difficult situation can be made more workable if you know you only have to endure it for a certain period of time and that you are achieving a goal in the end.<br><br>
If your DH won’t go for the SAHD thing, or you can’t afford it financially, maybe try setting some goals. Decide you are going really cut back where you can and save so much per month until you have an amount equal to a couple months expenses in your savings. Then maybe DH could relax his work schedule and spend more time writing and not feel so anxious about money.<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
286 Posts
I feel like I never see my husband either, and that's with me working PT and him working a 4-10 schedule ... so I really feel for you, mama. When we are both home, one of us is often trying to get alone time to do household stuff or personal projects, so even then we don't see each other much.<br><br>
I don't think you're being selfish at all. My husband and I have always been solitary people--the Rilke quote about "two solitudes [that] protect and border and salute each other" comes to mind--but I do miss having enough time for both myself and us as a couple.<br><br>
Have you tried talking with him about it, and explaining how much it means to you to have your own family? It sounds like reality and your ideal life are not even close to being the same. Feeling financially secure is important, but so is that emotional need you have that isn't being met.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,402 Posts
Hugs to you.<br><br>
I love my DH so much and feel like I never see him anymore. We don't do daycare right now. We both work 40 hrs and work while caring for DC. It's beyond difficult.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,193 Posts
Splitting shifts is hard! Dh and I have had some schedule changes over the past few years, but typically I work 4P- 12A and he works some variation of the 1st shift. To top it off, dh is a piano player and rehearses and gigs all sorts of funky hours. It is his dream. I have the steady benefits, same direct deposit every week, stable counseling job.<br><br>
Some times I hate it. I detest it. I get lonely and sad because I feel like where is my family?!? I am starting back to work next week and am curious to see how it will be. I have a couple of months that I can do the part time thing and then we are back to scheduling craziness.<br><br>
For us, it usually ends with a blowup fight every few months and then we get back on track. I think as we grow to understand each other better each year that passes, the disagreements mellow. I'm learning that he really does believe and feel we are spending time together when we are both in the house doing our own thing. He is starting to understand that I need that time together to be more "involved" with each other. Whether it is doing a house project together or sitting down and talking about things not money or child related. We are both commited to these schedules for the next few years and I really am trying to look at it as a phase of life that will not last forever. Gotta say it is difficult on nights like tonight when he leaves at 6 and won't be home until 4A because he is gigging and I'm at home wishing he were here. But this is the man I married and I fell in love with him partly due to his passion for the piano so I will always support it.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s momma on the split shift factor!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
363 Posts
Discussion Starter · #11 ·
You all are so awesome!!!! Thanks for the tips and hugs and just knowing you all are out there doing the same or have done it before. I think I probably do need to do some reexamining re: reality and ideal in my head but sometimes I swear it just seems like I think myself to death. And then there is the whole feeling stuck...like we tried to stay out of the rat race but we're still on a treadmill just maintaining status quo and not even doing it together....ahh but i guess those are other topics! I just might print out all your replies to read the next few nights when I'm on my own for support!!Thanks mamas!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
850 Posts
At church yesterday, they sang "The American Dream", song about all work and no play, great song! I would sit down and really talk to him. I did with my hubby and explained ds will only be this age once and then big drastic changes, so lets experience things with him together as a family. He now plans little outings with us instead of at work and with his buddies!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
647 Posts
sistermama- wrote<br><div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">We kept daily notebooks for each other which helped A LOT. One notebook was the "business" notebook - where we kept notes to each other on what kid did or needed to do what, bills that needed to be paid, stuff to be done around the house, etc. The second was the "nice" notebook, where we just wrote notes of general interest to each other and we both kept gratitude lists in it.</td>
</tr></table></div>
I think that this is a really good idea, it helps keep track of life events.<br><br>
We are in a similar position but, after reading PP I realize that things are not too crazy. Dh works a 40 hour a week job and is gone 6:00 am- until 5:00 pm and I do odd jobs and I am gone about 20 hours a week. We always get dinner together and I am only gone 1 weekend day.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,828 Posts
I've been in situations like that. All of your points and concerns are totally valid. The way to figure out what to do in a situation where all the alternatives have advantages and disadvantages is to prioritize your values.<br><br>
In your case...<br><br>
Having your son NOT be in daycare is important to you<br>
Having enough money to pay the bills is important to you<br>
Having a cohesive and close family is important to you<br><br>
The way your life is set up now, you cannot have all of those things.<br><br>
So you need to either figure out a way you can have all three of those things, or simply decide which of those things is the MOST important thing and make it the priority.<br><br>
At the moment, it would appear that keeping your son out of daycare is your top priority, which is what caused your hubby to get a job on the night and weekend shift. Right?<br><br>
Would you say that's your most important consideration?<br><br>
There might be a way to have all three, but if there isn't, pick the one that is most important to you and accept that the decision comes with consequences. It will be easier to bear it if you know you made the decision consciously.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
363 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
huh, ok,<br><br>
now i am trying to think if those are really my priorities. that's a tough one, maybe a wake up call. I don't think i'm all that adverse to day care though we have lived in places where i don't know if we could find good care. but the reason dh has always given for working nights is that b/c we have moved a bunch and he is a trying to be a writer so doesn't have another career path that waiting tables would work b/c we wouldn't have to pay for child care and the money would be pretty good. but maybe i am beginning to feel differently. it was one thing when ds was three months old but he is 16 mos now and i swear it feels like we have no family time, never mind partner time.<br><br>
i'll have to think about the priorities, thanks for pointing that out. when you put it that way, i really have to pause cause i would have listed that third one at the top and maybe never had the first one but that sure isn't matching up with the facts.<br><br>
thanks mamas.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,191 Posts
Splitting shifts is really hard. I especially commiserate with the poster upthread where the DH is starting his own dream business. My DH has spent the last year doing a start up business, and I work full time. He works from 6 AM - 10 PM every flipping day. I see him for about four hours a week, and we spend most of that time trying not to fight. It totally sucks. I actually preferred splitting shifts to what we're doing now, because at least we had 10 hours once a week to spend all together. Now we don't have any family togetherness at all. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I'm so tired. I feel like a single parent. DH barely brings in any money from that business, and what I do get we fight about for days in advance. Sometimes I feel like I don't even have a husband, just a guy that freeloads and gives me a hard time. I know that's not really the case, but that's how it feels to me.<br><br>
I don't really have any advice for you, but I want you to know that you're not alone. Heck, if someone had told me that this would be my life six years ago, I would have punched that person in the face!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,318 Posts
My dh and I just started a split shift life. I stayed at home for 4 and a half years, and loved it. My dd is 4 1/2 and my son is 2 1/2 - I was hoping to be home for awhile longer with my son.<br><br>
Financially we really needed more money, and dh was willing to get another job, but the kids didn't see him enough as it is. And somehow, just at the right time, a great job presented itself to me - it's exactly what I want to be doing, even though I didn't want to do it for a few years yet. But I couldn't pass it up,<br><br>
Luckily dh was able to switch to a 3:30 to midnight shift. I work 7:45 to 2:30, dh brings the kids in the van, we switch kids and he goes to right to work.<br><br>
The kids love being home with him, and I actually enjoy my job. I never get to see dh - he is off two days, but we're only together one of them. So, he wants to mow the lawn and do stuff he can't do during the week, and I want to do family stuff. It's hard. We're still working it out.<br><br>
I love the idea of keeping a notebook - so many times I get home and don't know what the kids have eaten, what they've done, what I need to do etc.,. I may find a notebook and start that today.<br><br>
Great thread, and many hugs to the OP.<br><br>
Take care!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,474 Posts
We tag-teamed for almost ten years, with the first of those 10 meeting in the driveway, me passing our infant to dh.<br><br>
We absolutely, unequivocably needed every single cent I made. There was simply no other option. And as the baby got older, it was obvious that day care would not be an option. He was very attached, and simply could not handle anything other than being with his family. So we sucked it up, which really meant that I was completely beside myself with exhaustion...working 7p-7a, and going sometimes 48 hours with only 4 hours sleep.<br><br>
But things are much better. Paying attention and respecting the baby's attachment issues has paid off...he no longer cries and is very secure 7 year old. I am now able to work days (only 8 days a month) and he goes to karate camp after school.<br><br>
Our marriage relationship did take a hit. Working opposite schedules leaves little time to discuss the little things that can bug you, so we tended to sweep things under the rug to keep the peace. We ended up in counseling this past summer, and thankfully we were able to get past 10 years of pent up frustration.
 
1 - 18 of 18 Posts
Top