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not really sure how to word that subject line. i'm reading through here, and while i've had my times of absolute chaos and anger with my ex (among other things), for the most part we are on great terms now. in many ways, i have a hard time identifying as a single mother, because he and i are partners. we have a system that works for us (finally) with visitations, we split custody, and have never gone through the courts - we were not married, though, and split when dd was 1. i don't feel like i'm in this alone, persay. i recently moved in with a couple and their daughter, from living on my own in a tiny apartment with dd, and its strange to not have my own space but it works for us, right now. xp is around sometimes, he communicates with my roommates often, which is kind of weird, but whatever. we each have built our own lives. i suppose i sort of feel like a single mother by choice, because he is such an active part of my life and i'm choosing not to be with him, not because he's a bad guy, but because i just don't love him like that, i can't see him that way anymore. it was very much an internal thing, a huge change in maturity on my part in realizing that the person i wanted to be and the person i felt inside me was compromised. i've seen great changes in him too since we split, and i feel like he's an incredible parent. dd is with me sunday night through thurs am and with her dad thurs pm through sunday when i get off work. my biggest complaint is that there aren't enough days in the week. i try and work when she's with her dad, and that way i can spend time with her without other obligations when she's with me. this kind of makes me feel like a part-time parent, though, and it's defeating. it also makes it hard to date when my ex and i have a strong friendship - i've found that people don't understand that. i'm okay not dating right now, my time is scarce with work, school, and dd...but i would definitely love to be partnered eventually, and have more children NOT on my own.<br><br>
anyway, hi. just wondering if there was anyone here with a refreshing story to share...sometimes its nice to read them in the midst of all the troubles. i know i found a lot of comfort here when things were bad. i'd love to make some mama friends to communicate with/share blogs/email...hell, if anyone is local, i'd love to meet up. any advice on how to make the most of my time with dd, or how to keep a healthy distance between myself and xp so that i can continue having my own happy little life, like i did when he and i hated eachother? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

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Yep, that's where I am right now. We decided to be friends and are co-parenting (from a distance as he lives in another state). We weren't married either but I would like to one day get married and maybe have another child; my DS is angling for a baby sis. :)
 

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Hopefully. We're still living together atm, until he figures out what's going on w/his new "love" (have a thread in PaP about everything)<br><br>
Just trying not to go insane right now.
 

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well i kinda feel i am in the middle.<br><br>
i was married. we have been separated 6 years ago but havent filed for divorce.<br><br>
things are NOT good between us. ex and i are definitely NOT friends.<br><br>
however we are civil where dd is concerned. he has been able to put dd first. for instance we usually do alternate days during the week and weekends with me. ex picks dd up on sunday evenings. but this last week i picked her up on wednesday and she hasnt seen him since then. she called him and told him seh wants to spend sunday night with me also and he was ok with it.<br><br>
wednesday i have class so i cant pick up dd. ex will pick her up and either bring her to me or keep her till i am done.<br><br>
hmm dating and strong friendships!!!!!<br><br>
that is something that will have to be worked out. most of my bf are men. my bf also became my then dh's good friend too. today too since i live in another country my best friend is a guy, but that has not affected my dating relationship. it did affect a couple of them, but they were not worth hanging onto.<br><br>
i am surrounded by xfamily and friends who have strong friendship with opposite sex. that has not affected them finding partners.<br><br>
however one thing i dont understand. you have a healthy relationship with your ex. why would you need to keep a healthy distance? doesnt that happen automatically. the thing here that concerns me is your ex's relationship with your roommates. that is a little too close for me. not enough privacy. but if you are ok with that, then its fine i guess.
 

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I didn't think ex and I would be able to have a good relationship post divorce because our marriage sucked big time. He was very mean to me, yelling all the time, picking on every little thing I did. Our divorce went pretty smooth and quickly because he got what he wanted in terms of financials and I let him have it because I didn't want a fight.<br><br>
But here we are, 3 months into it, and we get along fine. We aren't friends but we are friendly towards each other. And we co-parent great. We just spent Thanksgiving together - it was supposed to be his holiday but I cooked and he came over. I also invited his mom and stepdad over for dinner. Then he took the kids to his place for the weekend so I could shop. He asked me to do some shopping for him and loaned me his car (bigger than mine) for all the stuff.<br><br>
For me, the hardest part in the divorce was going to be not seeing my kids EOW, but there hasn't been a weekend that has gone by where he hasn't let me see them. We don't follow the visitation schedule that strictly. If the kids want to spend the night with daddy, I let them. If they want to come home to my house to see the dog, ex lets them. Also, when I sense that the kids really need to see daddy, I will call up ex and invite him to come spend some time with the kids.<br><br>
I think a big part in us being able to get along is that there is no exchange of money going on - he doesn't pay child support, I'm not paying alimony - so we don't really have a lot to fight about.<br><br>
Our co-parenting relationship has been very good for the kids. They have a lot of control in an adult situation that usually allows kids very little control.
 

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I think so. We're on the path anyway. But we've had 5-ish months to get used to everything while we sort out the details. We'll be able to sit together at kid functions. We're still on good terms with all of the inlaws. Originally he fought the decision, but over the months as we've been sorting things out, it seems like he's gradually coming to terms with everything and starting to see some positive aspects of life after. Plus---he'll probably spend MORE time with DS when we're in an every other weekend situation than he does now when we all live together.<br><br>
For us...there's no real hard feelings. No infidelity, abuse, addictions. It's a long story, but the end result is that this is the right decision for me without a doubt. And I am doing it in such a way that I am setting STBX up to succeed as well. He knows it and that's going a long way towards building a trusting co-parenting relationship. Not saying I want him hanging out in my house all the time! But for my son's sake, that may very well happen from time to time. I can see us sitting together at DS's school functions and graduation and wedding. It will be a little weird when/if either of us starts seeing anyone seriously. But I trust his love for our son enough to protect him and choose good people to be around him. Hopefully he can do the same for me if it ever comes to it.<br><br>
As for a strong friendship...no, probably not for us. I think that for the sake of moving on for both of us, we need to have some distance for a while. We'll always have a relationship. But not a super close one outside of DS. STBX is kind of co-dependent. I've always joked that he has boyfriends or girlfriends. He flings himself into new friendships and is 100% in the new friendship for a few months (maybe a little too much). Then the friend gets busy and he's a little lost for a while until he finds a new shiny friend! (After 9 years, I'm very familiar with the pattern.) By keeping "strong friendship" level...I'd be opening the door to that clingy friendship, continuing dependence. So for all our sakes, we'll have to learn to live indpendently to cut the ties.
 

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Rosadesal, you took the words out of my mouth!! Well, most of them...<br><br>
Me and xp split while I was pregnant, and my dd is only 4.5 mo old, so we're awhiles away from split custody but... we're better friends and co-parents than we were partners. And I have a hard time identifying as a "single" parent sometimes too b/c he's so involved (except when work and school keeps him away for days and I have zero help, then I feel single). And it's my choice not to be with him. And I worry about dating (when that time comes) b/c he and I are so close...<br><br>
I've been worried that this won't be sustainable. I also struggle with how to keep my life mine whilst maintaining such a close co-parenting relationship.
 

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My husband and I decided to separate almost a year ago and have pretty much always been on good terms during the entire process. We decided to separate because our feelings for each other changed and we were unhappy in our marriage. We talked it over for a while and agreed that it would be best to end the relationship now before we started to resent each other and become angry in our unhappiness. I think that is what really saved us and allowed us to continue to get along so well. We were always friends but romantically there was nothing there and it really hurt us to continue living without that part of a relationship. It just wasn't happening between the two of us.<br><br>
We both share custody, our decision, and we split the cost of all items that our daughter needs. Needs is the key word as if I wanted to buy her toys or stuff for her room for my house then it's up to me and vise versa. We both participate in her activities [she goes to gym class 2xweek and we are both there] and we still meet everyday so that neither of us doesn't have to go a day without seeing her. We really try to continue to be a team for the sake of our daughter.<br><br>
I'm currently seeing a wonderful man who understands why my husband and I are doing what we're doing and is fine with it. If he wasn't, then I wouldn't be seeing him. He adores my daughter and she him. Of course my husband and I are sad it didn't work out but he's happy for me and I am the happiest I have been in a long time.<br><br>
So yes, my husband and I still get along great but we don't love each other and we both want that in our lives and want our daughter to grow up in a loving household, even if that means having two of them.
 
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