Anyone keeping their HB a secret from parents? UPDATE: NEW DRAFT. post 23

I too prefer communicating in writing! I like your email.

For me, my IL know I plan to homebirth, and while MIL is a little freaked out, she's supportive (will not be there, but she wouldn't be if it were a hospital birth either she'd be freaked out either way). FIL is of course, like, whatever. We also plan to UC and they do NOT know this. Only one who does is DH's Chiro, who is suprisingly helpful. He caught his wife's last baby at home.

As for my parents . . .my mom knows I'd like a homebirth and I plan on staying at home as long as possible before the birth and I may wait too long . . .so she's prepared for an oops! story. I don't think my dad has strong opinions. My grandma, who lives with them, can't imagine anything other than a hospital birth, and she's going through her own issues with a recent cancer diagnosis, so I haven't even thought of bringing it up.

This is our first baby also, which may make a difference. After the fact, everyone will know we birthed at home, I just don't intend to tell anyone we PLAN to. Hopefully for the next one, after having a successful homebirth, everyone will be ok and supportive.

-Katrina - due 11/7/09

Honestly, I would skip the e-mail. We just told our family last week. It put me into several days of depression. Not from my parents but my brother and his wife.

I can't say my parents were excited or understand why we're doing it, but I haven't heard them say anything bad or try to talk us out of it. I feel my mom and I can talk about it a little at a time over the next 2 months. She will certainly be there.

Brother and sil are a different story....

I'm saying that giving the info to the parents can be okay but don't be offended: they may not want any details...KWIM?

I appreciate everyone's input. I just don't know... On the one hand, I think I do reveal too much to my parents (Like that I plan to homeschool; my mom totally flipped out). On the other hand, if I don't tell, I'll feel like I'm hiding something, like it's shameful or something. I'm also afraid to wait until after the birth, because they might be really upset that we didn't tell. Then they might wonder what else we are hiding.

Due to issues with how I was raised, I have just always felt like my parents always thought all my decisions were dumb. I didn't really have a chance to develop self esteem and independence. I actually still yearn for their approval, even though almost none of my life decisions are things they would do. I am working on all of these issues. I feel like by telling them, I am asserting my independence, and then if they don't approve, I can practice my bubble of peace to keep all of their negativity out. After all, I know that what I am doing is best for me and my baby, so who cares what they think? I won't let them make me feel bad anymore. It seems almost therapeutic to me.

i probably wouldn't tell them in an e-mail, but if that's the way you feel comfortable doing it, then by all means. i also wouldn't wait until after you deliver. i don't think it's right to keep it from them completely. i'll eventually tell my family (just not right away). i want to wait until we have everything set and in place. i'll be telling them over the phone (most of my family lives out of state).

if you do decide to send the e-mail, i'd edit it a bit. parts of it seem like you're already on the defensive. like you're expecting them to object to it. i'd give them the benefit of the doubt even if you end up being correct in your expectations of them. if they then come at you with questions and concerns you can give them all the stats or point them in the right direction. something like this...

After much soul searching, Gregory and I have changed our plans about where we will birth our baby. We have decided to have our baby at home.

I have an absolutely wonderful midwife, _________, and I would love for you to meet her if you'd like. She is a CNM (certified nurse midwife) and has excellent birth statistics. She owns a birth center in ________ and attends homebirths. Her birthing center's website is:__________.

This is the decision that is right for us.

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excellent point.

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the only reason i'm reluctant to share is because i did have an emergency c-section the first time around and i know my family will be scared for me. my sister already knows i want a vbac and she is completely supportive. perhaps i'll tell her first, then i'll have an ally when i tell everyone else.

i gotta admit part of me likes the idea of announcing a successful hbac after the fact... "we are thrilled to announce the arrival of so and so born at home on..." but i just don't think i can keep my mouth shut until then.

Personally, I wouldn't send it either. Presenting it in this fashion leaves you open for debate. If you want to avoid debate, then I'd keep it much shorter and simpler... "After researching the safety of doing so, we have decided to pursue a homebirth with a CNM attending. We would appreciate it if you could respect this as our choice to make and keep any negative comments you may have to yourselves. If you would like to see any of the research into the safety of homebirths, or meet our midwife, please let us know so that we can arrange that."

However, if you want to send the longer letter, there are some changes I would make:

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First of all "certain happenings and much soul searching" is begging questions. Unless you want to get into it, I'd suggest changing it to "after doing research" or something similar. I would also leave out the next sentence about going on the defensive... nobody likes to be told that they put people on the defensive. Instead say something like "this is something that I feel strongly about and so I wanted to be sure I could give you all this information in a comprehensive fashion." And I would make that your first sentence, followed by "After doing research we have decided to have this baby at home."

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I would leave out the first half of the first sentence. You make it clear later that you want the decision respected, but obviously you're leaving the subject open for discussion. Not to mention the fact that "it's not open for discussion" is a bit harsh for people you actually want to convince.

Instead I'd say something along the lines of "I'd be happy to share the research on the safety of homebirth with you if you are interested." and leave it at that. I would also leave out "many advantages" and just say that we feel that we would be more comfortable/happier birthing at home. The part of the sentence in blue is something I would suggest leaving out. First of all, it's a bit insulting to the profession, and second of all, what happens if you wind up moving after this first babe and 3 years down the line you want another HB and all you can find is CPMs? Do you really want them throwing it in your face that you said you'd never have a HB with a non-CNM? I would also leave out the "birth statistics" line unless you're ready to provide not only her statistics, but also the statistics of the hospital you were looking at using.

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I'd remove the word small - the chances of something going "wrong" in the hospital that won't happen at home are more than small.

You also may want to check your facts. "Many women" weren't dying in homebirths 100 years ago - in fact 100-150 years ago it was much safer for a woman to birth at home than it was in the hospital, just like it is today (this isn't saying women at home didn't die - just that they died at a higher rate in the hospital). Before the discovery of bacteria, childbed fever/death was iatrogenic in nature - meaning it was caused by the doctors in the hospital - because the prospect of washing their hands with soap and warm water after doing an autopsy and before attending a birthing mother never occurred to them. When birth moved from home to hospital is when you saw the death rates soar, and then with the discovery of germ theory (around 1870) and then antibiotics (around 1930) you saw it drop again.

And I honestly would not even get into the risks of "excessive bleeding" after birth or the need for oxygen to resus (which actually, oxygen is not needed for). Just leave it at "midwives come prepared for many possibilities".

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And this entire section feels like you're talking to a student, very impersonal. The first 2 sentences about the MW can be incorporated into the paragraph above where you're giving her information. The rest I would put into a more conversation format... "If you would like to pursue more information, a good documentary on the subject is BoBB, which is available through Netflix or you can find it on my Amazon wish list (baby registry?). A good book to read on the subject is Born in the USA, blah, blah, blah..." (not sure that would be the first one I recommended though - it's a bit antagonistic).

And then I'd just close with something like... "we love you, and know you want the best for us all, but we just ask that you respect us enough to accept our decision without debate. We are happy to answer any questions you may have regarding the safety of homebirth, or introduce you to our midwife if that would help you be more comfortable."

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We broke the ice with homebirth before we got pregnant again with our second. Nobody batted an eye when I mentioned that our next birth would be "out of hospital"

My wonderful MIL was present at the homebirth and is now a big hb supporter. It probably helped that her little brother was born at home in their Kansas farmhouse when she was 3 and she remembers it. Her grandmother acted as her mother's midwife and their family doctor did a house call after the birth.

My dad and step mom didn't react at all to the news of our homebirth. If they had any reservations they didn't share them with us. They acted like it was just as normal as going to the hospital for the birth.

My mom was the most anti-homebirth but not for the reason that you might think. She was really worried that the midwives wouldn't be able to "do that thing to his penis if I had a boy". When I told her we wouldn't circ a boy she went on an aggressive campaign to try to convince us to circumcise our child. I don't think the hb part bothered her at all. I think all of us were relieved when we had another girl so she'd shut up about it.

I totally agree with the comments suggesting a much shorter email, and offering more information to those who ask. As it is written I get the impression that you are already defending your choice before anyone says a word. I would just be confident in the email that you are making a well-researched and well thought out decision.

I sent a similar email but kept if very short....

We also took the plunge and signed a contract with the midwife. As long as I remain low risk with no complications I will be having this baby AT HOME!!!

For those of you who think having a baby at home is crazy, or dangerous, or whatever, let me assure you that I am a girl who does my research! Numerous studies have shown that a home birth for a low risk woman is AS SAFE as a hospital birth. If anyone would like to read more about it, I would be happy to provide you with resources! All I ask is that you please keep your opinion to yourself unless you have read and researched and have an opinion founded in education rather than fear.

i agree! shorter and more positive! don't be on the defensive or harsh. kill 'em with kindness and definitely invite them into learning more about the exciting subject of home birth your confidence will discourage them from treating you with disrespect.

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I am working on another draft of the email, and am taking into consideration many of the comments everyone has made.

However, the reason I am putting more info in the email is because I already know these are the concerns they have about homebirth, and if I don't put it in there, I will end up on the defensive and end up looking like an idiot (because, as I said, my verbal skills go down the toilet). If they have a negative comment, I will say, "Did you read the book I provided? If not, then I'm not talking to you about it, because your concerns are addressed in the book" Or something like that. Then, once they've read it, if they still have a concern, I can say "Well that was addressed in the book, and if you have nothing to add to it, I'm not going to listen to your negative comments."

Here is the next draft:

"Hi Parents,

I am writing to let you know that Gregory and I have decided to have our baby at home. There are just too many advantages to birthing at home that aren't available in hospital. Since we don't plan on discussing our decision, and I know that you have some concerns regarding homebirth, I'd like to address those concerns in this email and give you some resources in case you would like to know more.

Having a homebirth does not mean we will not go to the hospital if it becomes necessary. Our midwife is very competent at recognizing when a transfer is necessary and won't wait until the last minute. Of course, there is always that small chance that something will come up suddenly, but there is also a chance of things going wrong in hospital that would not have gone wrong at home. In addition, homebirth today also does not mean there is no medical backup. Midwives come prepared to handle many different situations.

If you'd like more information about homebirth, a good documentary is "The Business of Being Born." It's on one of my Amazon wish lists, so hey, if you want to get it and watch it first, that would be awesome. ;-) I also really like the book, "Born in the USA: How a Broken Maternity System Must Be Fixed to Put Women and Children First" by Marsden Wagner, M.D. My midwife's website also has a lot of good information: _____________

Gregory and I are very happy and excited with our decision. It is definitely the right choice for us and our precious baby."

Better?

I was in your same situation earlier this year (switched to HB MW at 28 weeks), and we did not tell anyone other than a couple of close friends who we knew would be supportive. I *might* have told my parents, because they know better than to try to talk me out of anything, but my mom is a worrier (lay awake at night driving herself crazy kind) and I didn't want her losing sleep. She thanked me for not telling her until after the birth, as I suspected she would. I didn't have any idea what to expect from DH's family, but they are in contact with my parents from time to time so that was out. I didn't expect to get any negative comments or people trying to talk me out of it -- everyone knows better than to mess with me -- but I didn't even want to risk it. If you're in a position where your family or anyone else you tell might start coming at you with fear and scary stories and allegations of risking your baby's life, I would skip the e-mail and just wait until after the birth. Then, if for some reason you do end up at the hospital, you don't have to tell them you ever considered HB. I didn't want to be a cautionary tale -- another good reason for me not to tell beforehand.

I do second the edits others have suggested to your email, tho -- if you're going to do it, sound very confident in your decision and don't leave it open for debate. Good luck!

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No, it's not.

People get emotional about babies (& I can't say I blame them!) It's very hard to change emotions with logic, facts & statistics.
I plan to keep our HB plans a secret from Mom & MIL whenever we conceive #2.

Additionally, if we do need to transfer, I do NOT want to hear the "I told you so"s or worse yet "THANK GOD YOU TRANSFFERRED! OH what would have happened if you stayed home?!?! I can't believe you tried to stay home in the first place." : And yes, my MIL would say that!!

Um, yeah, don't need that. I'm keeping a secret. (Besides, my Mom doesn't need the stress of worrying about it herself either!)

I will tell them after the fact that that was our plan all along.

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Reading this, I really think you shouldn't tell them. JMHO - but you just don't need to take more stuff on that will be mentally difficult, potentially emotionally draining or upsetting. You just don't need it now. KWIM?

I agree - I'd recommend the book "Pushed" before" Born in the USA" in this case.

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I've never read "Pushed" What are the differences between the 2?

"Pushed" is by Jennifer Block. I believe it was published in 2007, so it's current. She's not a medical professional, but a journalist. (The credentials of Dr. Marsden Wagner, IMO, lend more credibility to his book for people who think docs-are-gods-not-to-be-quesitoned.)

I think the books are pretty similar, but her's is an easier read. She just has a nicer flow. I don't think she's QUITE as angry as Wagner. Wagner brings up Cytotec inductions over & over (even though he has a chapter on it.) Hey, I don't begrudge him his fury. I too have a sense of fury over what he calls "vigilante obstetrics" in America, but it makes for a disjointed book & difficult read.

It's honestly been over a year since I read it, but I remembered it having a bit more stories about particular women, which made it less 'clinical' and 'text-book like'. But she did have good stats as well.

Unfortunately she did have some bad stories about HB MWs (ones who were reluctant to transfer for fear of legal persecution & who abandoned a Mama when she did need to transfer.) But it was much more about the overall bad state of maternity care in American hospitals. And, I think it's fair & balanced to acknowledge that there are some MWs doing bad things too.. it's not like every MW on earth is perfect. So, overall, I recommend!

actually I lent it to a PG co-worker & she read it & said it was scary. I didn't tell her that it is NOT the scariest book I have!!! I felt like "Born in the USA" was scarier! He talks about the historical trend of damaging vigilante obstretics every-other decade (X-rays in the 30s, then thalidomide, etc.) He also discusses the culture of obstretics - the "Omerta" of loyalty. I don't remember "Pushed" going that in-depth on how overall, well, SICK obstetrics is.

So I felt like Pushed was the less scary of the two - but still a good book to convince women to question the medical model & question the fact that hospitals are the best place to birth.