[goylesgirl]

Hi, my dp has been dealing with depession since he was a teenager. We have been together for about 7 years and it just seems like it is one thing after another. I love him very much and we have children together, but I am finding it very hard to deal with his problems and am losing my sympathy. They have support groups for depression, but I really wish they had them for their partners. How do others deal?

 

[Ellen Griswold]

Well, I suppose they come here to post sometimes because that's pretty much what I was going to do. My dh has some anxiety issues going on (which can be very similar to depression). He is seeking treatment - both meds and therapy - but it just doesn't seem to be doing a lot for him. And it seems to be affecting his parenting. And it is TOTALLY affecting our relationship. I try to be sympathetic, I try to be a good listener, but, you know what, sometimes I wish he could just do that for me too. As far as support groups for spouses, I just don't know of anything like that. But I'm willing to listen if you need an ear, because I really do understand.

 

[MtBikeLover]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellen Griswold Well, I suppose they come here to post sometimes because that's pretty much what I was going to do.

Yeah that! My STBX has depression and it has gotten so bad (he doesn't think he has it, but I can always tell when he takes 5-HTP and when he doesn't). I used to come here and vent a lot about our problems. The women here are awesome!! We have decided to divorce though and I blame the depression 99% on this decision. His previous therapist told him if he didn't get it under control, he was going to lose his family. And now that is happening.

The way I dealt before was to pretty much just live my own life. I stopped trying to get him to treat the depression. If he didn't want to do stuff with us and the kids, I took the kids by myself. I also saw a therapist who helped me realize that it wasn't me.

Good luck - I know how hard it is.

 

[mistymama]

I have a super sweet dh who also deals with depression. After two years of ups and downs, we had a long talk and he realizes that he needs help. It took him a long time to realize he can't just man up and fix it on his own.

He's on his second week of therapy, and she's waiting at least 4-5 sessions before she decides if he needs meds.

His depression was starting to become a deal breaker for me .. in that as sweet and wonderful as he is, it was effecting all of us, esp him, and needed to be dealt with.

It's hard, but I have hope now. In the meantime, I'm trying to focus on myself and ds ... do positive things to make myself feel better (like exercise and new clothes) and trying to not feel sad that dh is emotionally distant right now.

 

[quietplease]

It is very isolating. DH does not want me to talk about his problems with depression. He pretends everything is normal when we are with other people, and at home is glued to his work e-mail, his workaholism in full force. He has been in therapy on and off for years and takes an antidepressant, but nothing changes for long.

I am lonely and getting depressed myself, frankly.

 

[VisionaryMom]

I'll share from the other side. I'm the spouse with a mental illness. I have bipolar disorder, just to be clear. DH has learned over time how to spot the triggers for me and how to help me in the very early stages of either mania or depression. That's been really beneficial for us. We sat down a couple of years ago and made a list of "tiers" depending on how things were. So, for example, one of the first things we do when I start getting really depressed is to switch to disposable dishes and utensils. Yeah, it's wasteful, but I've gotten over that concern. That's a small change, but working with those kinds of concrete steps helps us hold it together.

 

[goylesgirl]

Thank you all for your replies, like quitplease, I am feeling really lonely and depressed. I really think i need to see a counselor because i don't know how to deal with these feelings. I am also dealing with issues because my own mother had problems with depression (as well as other problems) and our relationship was terrible. I finally had to cut her out of my life and it has been much better. I do NOT want that to happen with dp.

Here is copy of another post in mental health (I don't know how to link)

Dp has been having a really hard time lately, but so have I. I get zero support and zero communication from him. I can't say anything about it though because of his depression. He is on meds currently and seeing a therapist. The problem is I am really angry and resentful, so it is very hard to be supportive especially when he doesn't always "seem" depressed. As long as I don't say anything and he can do whatever he wants and everything is on his terms, he seems in a good mood, enjoying his hobbies and even socializing. Meanwhile I am trying to take care of the house (he freaks out if it is a mess, but does little to help clean) and 4 kids, one of whom is only 4 mo. I know depression is hard, but I sort of feel manipulated and taken advantage of.

 

[VisionaryMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by goylesgirl Dp has been having a really hard time lately, but so have I. I get zero support and zero communication from him. I can't say anything about it though because of his depression. He is on meds currently and seeing a therapist. The problem is I am really angry and resentful, so it is very hard to be supportive especially when he doesn't always "seem" depressed. As long as I don't say anything and he can do whatever he wants and everything is on his terms, he seems in a good mood, enjoying his hobbies and even socializing. Meanwhile I am trying to take care of the house (he freaks out if it is a mess, but does little to help clean) and 4 kids, one of whom is only 4 mo. I know depression is hard, but I sort of feel manipulated and taken advantage of.

I'm not sure if you're the writer of this post or not, but in this situation, I would feel taken advantage of as well. I've never felt or told DH that he cannot say anything to me about my moods. When I've been suicidal, he pulls back from any criticism because he's obviously afraid to push any buttons. I was in a psych hospital last year, and it was a month or so after I got out before we really talked about how he'd felt about the whole thing. In general, though, I think you have to communicate about mood disorders if you're living with someone who has them.

If you're having a hard time coping, then perhaps you could see a counselor on your own or together if he's interested. I have heard of support groups for caretakers of people with bipolar, but I don't know how common they are and obviously if your husband is bipolar. It may be something to consider, however. I've read a few books for caretakers, so I know there are some out there.

 

[goylesgirl]

Quote:

Originally Posted by goylesgirl Dp has been having a really hard time lately, but so have I. I get zero support and zero communication from him. I can't say anything about it though because of his depression. He is on meds currently and seeing a therapist. The problem is I am really angry and resentful, so it is very hard to be supportive especially when he doesn't always "seem" depressed. As long as I don't say anything and he can do whatever he wants and everything is on his terms, he seems in a good mood, enjoying his hobbies and even socializing. Meanwhile I am trying to take care of the house (he freaks out if it is a mess, but does little to help clean) and 4 kids, one of whom is only 4 mo. I know depression is hard, but I sort of feel manipulated and taken advantage of.

Yes, this is mine. Dp hasn't mandated that I don't say anything to him, but when I ask, itis never a good time to talk, and if I suggest anything that I might need help with, or question why he is 4 hours later than he said he would be coming home, then his mood suddenly drops and I its like uh oh, I better not ask him to do the dishes or he might feel like killing himself again. I am not trying to make light of it, I really don't feel like I can say anything to him, but is it possible he might sometimes use the depression as an excuse? I really do want to be understanding and supportive, but I also don't want to be the fool.

 

[PlayaMama]

i totally hear you abotu feeling manipulated by depression.

i sometimes feel like i'm an emotional hostage because i can't be upset about anything or else it will send him into a tailspin. it really really sucks to feel like you're walking on eggshells anytime someone is in a bad mood so it doesn't get worse.

luckily, we're in a good phase right now and i haven't been feeling this was at all lately. plus, my dh is extremely caring and supportive about helping around the house, i never have to ask about that stuff at all.

hugs mama. it's not easy.

 

[VisionaryMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by goylesgirl but is it possible he might sometimes use the depression as an excuse? I really do want to be understanding and supportive, but I also don't want to be the fool.

Of course it's possible. I also think it's possible depression isn't the reason he comes home 4 hours late and that he'd do that regardless of whether or not he's depressed. What's his diagnosis, if you don't mind my asking? People with unipolar depression issues are pretty different from those of us with bipolar, and my experience is with bipolarity.

 

[flight]

My DP has been through depression/anxiety too, and yes, it's very difficult for everyone. Sometimes I just got tired of dealing with it, of having to be strong for the entire family, and I felt like I was kind of getting ripped off in the marriage department (they say "in sickness and in health," but surely there's a limit to how much sickness they meant??). I have a close friend who's depressed too, and sometimes I just can't deal with it... have to back away and say "Look, I'm your friend/wife, there is only so much of this I can handle and still act like a decent human being. I'm not your counselor."

You're not the only one going through this.

 

[Blu Razzberri]

Thank you for starting this thread. I nodded along to most of what was said before me. I love my DP very much and I want to stay with him, but it's SO frustrating and isolating when he's depressed. As suggested by one of the PP's, I'm trying to identify his triggers, but they're SO random. Literally anything can set him off, and make him irritable and angry. I also get blamed, and we (me and the kids) are the "cause" of his problems (which is an emotional rollercoaster in itself, because when he's happy, we're the best thing in his life). I find myself being the cheerleader, trying to stop him from getting upset; as well as being the superglue that holds it all together when he is. On top of that, I have my own mild and situational depression issues to deal with, and when I fall apart, it ALL falls apart.

It's a lot of weight for me to carry.

 

[anyalily]

Wow, I could have written most of the PPs. I, too, am in love and partnering with someone suffering from depression. My mom was depressed and disabled most of my childhood and it is too much sometimes to deal with it in my husband.

That being said, I am no walk in the park either, with my own ups and downs.

For me it is about keeping myself happy and healthy and doing for my DH those things that I know make him happy when he is in a good space. That means as much neatness and homemakey stuff as I can manage...

Also, I think that a lot of it is health and diet related so having nutritious food around and encouraging him to go to the gym is key. I have to do it always, not just when he starts to get down, because it prevents his depression but he resists when he is in it.

It is hard on me that he is undiagnosed an untreated. He talked with our family doctor who told him that depression is sadness and stuckness that effects your ability to function and isolates you. He didn't recommend a counselor (which I think he really needs) but just said to stick with diet and exercise.

He has almost no sex drive, which is hard on me too. I feel sometimes like he doesn't want me at all, which makes it really hard to stay devoted and compassionate.

I don't think there is an easy solution to this one...

 

[Ellien C]

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlayaMama i totally hear you abotu feeling manipulated by depression. i sometimes feel like i'm an emotional hostage because i can't be upset about anything or else it will send him into a tailspin. it really really sucks to feel like you're walking on eggshells anytime someone is in a bad mood so it doesn't get worse. hugs mama. it's not easy.

I feel like I should have come to this forum a long, long time ago. I'm SO there with you guys!

 

[listipton]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Ellien C I feel like I should have come to this forum a long, long time ago. I'm SO there with you guys!

same here.

 

[goylesgirl]

I am definitely glad I am not the only one dealing with this sort of thing.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades What's his diagnosis, if you don't mind my asking? People with unipolar depression issues are pretty different from those of us with bipolar, and my experience is with bipolarity.

I am not sure what exactly is his diagnosis, but the radical mood swings and spending sprees lead me to believe he is bipolar. He is taking effexor with a T3 which is used to treat both.

Quote:

Originally Posted by PlayaMama i sometimes feel like i'm an emotional hostage because i can't be upset about anything or else it will send him into a tailspin. it really really sucks to feel like you're walking on eggshells anytime someone is in a bad mood so it doesn't get worse. luckily, we're in a good phase right now and i haven't been feeling this was at all lately. plus, my dh is extremely caring and supportive about helping around the house, i never have to ask about that stuff at all. hugs mama. it's not easy.

YES, that is exactly how I feel sometimes! I wish however I didn't have to ask for help though. That is one of our biggest problems. It seems any responsibility when it comes to home is definitely a trigger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri Literally anything can set him off, and make him irritable and angry. I also get blamed, and we (me and the kids) are the "cause" of his problems (which is an emotional rollercoaster in itself, because when he's happy, we're the best thing in his life). I find myself being the cheerleader, trying to stop him from getting upset; as well as being the superglue that holds it all together when he is.

Again, this is exactly the way it is with us, too. and when he isn't entirely self focused he is very, very loving and caring.

Quote:

Originally Posted by anyalily My mom was depressed and disabled most of my childhood and it is too much sometimes to deal with it in my husband.

This is where I get particularly frustrated with my self. Despite all the really good things about him, when it gets bad, it's really really hard and I am miserable a good portion of the time and have little support, yet this is the man I chose to be with and REALY, shouldn't I have known better????? Would a functional relationship been to alien for me? Am I trying to get the love from him I didn't get from my mother and perhaps I am trying to "fix" him because I couldn't "fix" her. See what I mean, I have issues.

I also worry about the repercussions on my children, particularly my girls, and what kind of relationships they will choose. I do not wish this on them.

 

[Ellen Griswold]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blu Razzberri I find myself being the cheerleader, trying to stop him from getting upset; as well as being the superglue that holds it all together when he is.

And I am so exhausted. I'm actually jealous of the time that he gets to spend with his counselor because I am so in need of a break from our little people and this is YET MORE time that he spends away from us.
I hear you about trying to recognize triggers. All has been well here right now because we haven't had any severe weather (mine is the one with severe anxiety over bad weather situations), but what do the rest of you do when it isn't exactly irrational stuff that is the trigger. As in the last time dh had a bad episode, there actually was a tornado above the house (saw the rotating wall cloud). I mean, it makes sense to be afraid of something like this, and yet, knowing the possibility of severe weather is coming shouldn't make you go into hyper alert mode.
Any thoughts?

 

[crazydiamond]

DH is depressed, among other things, and it's really wearing on our relationship. So much so that I'm really questioning how much longer we're going to be together. He's always grumpy and I can't say one thing to him because then he'll get "in a mood" and won't talk to me for the rest of the day. He already doesn't help out much around the house, but I'm stuck because if I ask him to help with something, he makes our lives hell for the rest of the evening.

I'm thinking of leaving him not because he's depressed, but because he really refuses to do anything about it. That's the crux for me. I can deal with being supportive in the interem, while he's getting treated. I can accept that it may take considerable time to get the depression under control. But I simply cannot accept it forever.

He knows how I feel and I'm close to giving him an ultimatum. . .yet it has not made any difference at all. The problem is that he just goes through the motions. He did see a therapist for a year. And while he was seeing him he didn't even address any of his issues. He was just as depressed at the end of it that I told him that there's was no point in wasting all our money (we were paying out of pocket to the tune of $400/month) if he wasn't going to actually make use of it. So he stopped going. That was two years ago. Last year he saw a different doctor to try medication and he's been on it for nearly a year now. . not really any improvement. That's because he needs therapy to fix all the issues he has resulting from childhood. But I can't force him to do anything.

So here we are. . years later and no better off. I know it's not me. He was like this when I met him and I married him anyway. Yeah I know. . .you can't change anybody. Truer words have never been spoken. And at 7 years down the road, it's taken it's toll and I honestly do not know how much longer I can hold out. But what I do know, is that when he's not home in the evenings I'm so much happier and if we didn't have kids, I'd already be gone. And yeah, he knows all this and still refuses to address his issues.

 

[DariusMom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by MtBikeLover Yeah that! My STBX has depression and it has gotten so bad (he doesn't think he has it, but I can always tell when he takes 5-HTP and when he doesn't). I used to come here and vent a lot about our problems. The women here are awesome!! We have decided to divorce though and I blame the depression 99% on this decision. His previous therapist told him if he didn't get it under control, he was going to lose his family. And now that is happening.

Not to hijack the thread, but I'm sorry you couldn't work anything out MtbikeLover. The last post I saw from you made it seem like you were getting divorced, but those things can change very quickly. Wishing you a lot of strength.