[mommy68]

I'm curious as to what an ODD child is really like. My DD is 7 and has always been high maintenance. Even as a baby she didn't like to be held and comforted and has always been very independent and hard to soothe. She is also very strongwilled and can be quite stubborn. However, she has a very good side too. She is a very sweet and generous child. But when she acts out it can get bad, although it doesn't happen often and it also does not happen every day. I feel like I can handle her outbursts whereas DH gets easily frustrated and has little to no patience with her.

The most recent outbursts she has are in her room. She recently started doing this thing where she gets upset if her dad or I come in her room and she is busy playing alone or with her sibling. She will tell us to leave and gets rather rude about it.

I have a way of talking to her where I end up staying in the room and she gets over it. However, DH can go in there and she won't react the same to him. Yes, she's only 7, but I still feel like she has a right to her own space.

Am I wrong? Is this type of behavior due to ODD? She gets very rude and will start pushing us out her door or throwing toys around and telling us to leave. What makes this all worse is that my DH has no idea how to deal. I guess I don't either but he seems to make situations worse whereas I deal with it and move on. Any advice?

 

[jillmamma]

I wonder with regards to you coming to her room...would it help if you knocked on the open door or stood in the doorway and asked if you can come in? That gives her a little warning, and allows her the chance to either say yes, or come to you. I can see if I was in the middle of something and someone walked up behind me where I might react too.

 

[sbgrace]

Have your hubby read "All Children Flourishing" by Glasser. His older books have more amazon reviews but the new one lays things out in a clearer way, it's modified, and it's a much better read. This is the book to get even if you have to wait a while. Glasser's approach is called Nurtured Heart--research it. It's made for kids with ODD and similar challenges. It works. But most important it will give your husband the tools to interact with your daughter in a way that helps her and their relationship. It really helped my husband in dealing with my son. It changed our lives. If he won't read the book there is an online program though I've not used it. It does videos and consults I think.

 

[mommy68]

Thanks for the responses so far. The problem is, if we knock on her door first I'm sure she would still say the same thing - that she wants to be left alone.

I know DH isn't going to read a book about this. He always says he is too busy to read books that I find interesting or any type of self-help books. I have ordered a book on Amazon called "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior." It sounded like a good read.

 

[4evermom]

She sounds a lot like my ds and his relationship with dh. Dh has such a hard time understanding how his behavior effects ds and escalates the situation. My ds is fine with people who are not authoritarian but get him in a situation with someone who is and it brings out the worst in him.

It drives me nuts. I ask ds to go find his shoes and put them on and he goes off to do that. Then he has trouble finding them and dh says "You have to find them now!" So ds sits on the couch and refuses to look anymore. I'd have just asked ds if he had looked next to the tv and he probably would have found them. Dh does not understand how he escalates any situation. He also thinks he is supporting me by telling ds to do whatever I just ASKED him to do. Not only is dh's tone "off" but ds absolutely hates being told to do something he is doing (or starting to do, or planning to do). Dh thinks we cater to ds but really what I do is treat him respectfully and trust him.

Ds is very sensitive. He is not an easy going kid. He has a strong sense of justice. One of the problems is that because ds is this way, even if he is having a great time with dh, ds won't cut dh any slack if dh is rude. There is too much history and past transgressions that ds does not forget easily. So then dh feels like he didn't do anything "wrong" not understanding he is still in the red from previous interactions.

Their relationship isn't terrible by any means, but it could be so much better. Sorry I don't have any great suggestions, just commiseration!

 

[sbgrace]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 Thanks for the responses so far. The problem is, if we knock on her door first I'm sure she would still say the same thing - that she wants to be left alone. I know DH isn't going to read a book about this. He always says he is too busy to read books that I find interesting or any type of self-help books. I have ordered a book on Amazon called "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior." It sounded like a good read.

Ok, so read the book yourself and teach him. He'll get interested when he sees it works. Or if you read the book and are sure it will work (I'm confident it will) maybe he'll be willing to watch the videos to learn. I've read a lot of books. This one is great. It works. It works with tough kids. And it's something your husband will be able to put in practice and remember even if he doesn't read the book. Since you already got a book maybe you could put the All Children Flourishing on interlibrary loan to see if you like it better/if it makes sense. As I said that book is far superior to his older one in readability so it's the one to get. I hate to see someone with a kiddo with ODD that hasn't had a chance to at least check out this approach. So even if you don't know maybe you could bookmark his site and keep it in mind if you need it in the future.

 

[TiredX2]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 Thanks for the responses so far. The problem is, if we knock on her door first I'm sure she would still say the same thing - that she wants to be left alone.

Do you mean every time? Or just sometimes? Because isn't the point of a door and your own space that sometimes you get to be alone?

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by TiredX2 Do you mean every time? Or just sometimes? Because isn't the point of a door and your own space that sometimes you get to be alone?

I kind of see it that way as well, but in our house we knock on a door as we are entering pretty much.

We do that with everyone. DD is the only one who still has a problem with someone entering her room if she is not ready. But it's not just sometimes, it's ALL the time with her.

 

[journeymom]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mommy68 Thanks for the responses so far. The problem is, if we knock on her door first I'm sure she would still say the same thing - that she wants to be left alone. I know DH isn't going to read a book about this. He always says he is too busy to read books that I find interesting or any type of self-help books. I have ordered a book on Amazon called "10 Days to a Less Defiant Child: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Child's Difficult Behavior." It sounded like a good read.

[rant]

: This is something I've noticed with my own husband, and anecdotally here at MDC. My husband, and many dads (not all), think kids should come to them and that they shouldn't have to find a way to go to their kids. These guys don't see the need to, and won't bother to figure out a way to get it done without making it worse. Seriously, can they not see how just arbitrarily insisting kids do things 'because I said so' simply doesn't work all the time?? And when it doesn't work, they need to find a different way?? Too busy to read? Who's being oppositional and defiant here? They need '10 Days to a Less Defiant Parent: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Spouse's Stubborn, Bone-Headed Behavior'. [/rant]

Sorry. I'm feeling pissy today. Normally I'm just fine with the fact that it's the moms who are interested in parenting theories, and that dads generally aren't interested in reading the various articles and books that we find. My husband is a great dad who offers a lot to our children that I can't provide, as well.

I agree with whomever above said you should go ahead and read the book and share what you learned with your husband. Using the same subtle, creative and intuitive wisdom that you used to figure out a way to sit down with your daughter in her room until she's comfortable with it.

 

[mommy68]

Quote:

Originally Posted by journeymom [rant] : This is something I've noticed with my own husband, and anecdotally here at MDC. My husband, and many dads (not all), think kids should come to them and that they shouldn't have to find a way to go to their kids. These guys don't see the need to, and won't bother to figure out a way to get it done without making it worse. Seriously, can they not see how just arbitrarily insisting kids do things 'because I said so' simply doesn't work all the time?? And when it doesn't work, they need to find a different way?? Too busy to read? Who's being oppositional and defiant here? They need '10 Days to a Less Defiant Parent: The Breakthrough Program for Overcoming Your Spouse's Stubborn, Bone-Headed Behavior'. [/rant] Sorry. I'm feeling pissy today. Normally I'm just fine with the fact that it's the moms who are interested in parenting theories, and that dads generally aren't interested in reading the various articles and books that we find. My husband is a great dad who offers a lot to our children that I can't provide, as well.

I totally agree with everything you said.

It's a shame my DH can't see it the way I do. He just gets upset with her if she doesn't react to him the way he "thinks" she should instead of trying to talk to her the right way to avoid the outbursts. Plus, he doesn't really pay attention to her the way he probably should. The first thing in the book I bought talks about paying attention to our children. I notice times when she is saying "daddy, daddy" trying to get him to see her do things and he just doesn't see it, especially if it's something he's just not that interested in.

As parents we can't be that way.