[Calm]

Hi

Just looking for guidance from all you moms with older children. You have had a chance to try all kinds of things and have some great tricks up your sleeve. I have a two and a half year old girl. I don't want to learn everything by experience, some things I want to sponge off others :LOL.

When it comes to discipline, connecting with your child, guiding them, etc, what worked for you? Were you a tough one? Really easy going? Are your children pleasant and happy? What would you do differently, now that you know? How 'bout the "no" phase - did you ignore it or pull them in line (and did it work long term?).

Whatever you've got, I'll take it. Especially the regrets. Sorry, but I wanna hear those ones too. Of course, I want to hear successes, cos those I wanna sponge!

Thanks for guidance!

Blessings.

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Calm wrote:
When it comes to discipline, connecting with your child, guiding them, etc, what worked for you?

Respect. (for both parent and child) In guiding them I have always tried to have it come from a place of heartfelt concern for them, and/or where I have been in my life and have personal experience. The latter comes into play alot now that they are pre and teen. No punishments. It just doesn't feel respectful, mindful, or helpful. There was/is alot of talking. If I had to recommend just one thing (like I could do that, Ha!) it would be to create an evnvironment of totally open and honest communication. I think that is such an important thing. The children can come to us about absolutely anything, at anytime without worrying what our reaction will be. Even if they have done something they think is wrong, they can come to us and ask for help or guidance without a moments hesitation.

A sense of humor too. Not sweating the small stuff that, in all honesty, just doesn't matter. When I stop to think about it all the stuff that does matter, it's the stuff that relates to safety, personal relationships, and moral character. It's not about clothes that match, the house being super clean, obedience, or eating too much sweets. Just my honest opinion there.

Were you a tough one? Really easy going? Are your children pleasant and happy?

I don't think I am a "tough one" really. Most people think I am too easy lol

But, those definitions are highly individual I guess. My kids think (this is from them I swear it) that I am tough on all the right things. Things like helping, sharing, being kind, and being honest. Much of the usual things parents are "tough" on (in my experience) don't even register as important for me. Our family is a tad out there lol.

The children are very happy, and judging from most accounts, enjoyable to be around. The lone dissenter is my MIL, who thinks they speak their mind too much, and need more rules. She doesn't know it, but she makes my day when she says they speak their mind too much

That's a success as far as I am concerned. I don't mean to brag, but I have numerous compliments on how helpful and "good" they are.

What would you do differently, now that you know? How 'bout the "no" phase - did you ignore it or pull them in line (and did it work long term?).

I mostly ignored it, because when they were in the "no" phase they were really just babes. As they got older I just tried to figure out where it was coming from. Most of it was when they felt they had little power, and then were left with saying "NO!" as the only power they could assert. I tried to give age appropriate, safe choices as much as I could. At the ages they are now if they yelled "No!" at me I would handle it much the same way. Much discussion and getting to the root of it all.

Whatever you've got, I'll take it. Especially the regrets. Sorry, but I wanna hear those ones too. Of course, I want to hear successes, cos those I wanna sponge!

A big regret I have is not protecting my children from people who didn't have their best interests at heart. Early on in their lives my world was filled with people that did not respect children the way I believe they ought to be, and that sucks. It wasn't the best of atmospheres, but I eventually got my crap together. And now I have rambled on and on!

 

[UnschoolnMa]

Oh man I killed your thread!! I am so sorry

:

 

[Calm]

No, you didn't. This just wasn't a big seller. It didn't sell very well in the Childhood Years forum either. Your answer was so good though, you probably covered what anyone else would say!

I can always count on you!

I have a PM for you, I hope you get it very soon - regarding something else.

 

[BeansEemie]

What a great question Calm! As a fellow mom of a not yet 3 yo, I was hoping to see lots of responses here to learn from. Thank you for the wonderful, thoughtful answer UnschoolnMa.

 

[MarineWife]

I've been thinking about this for a few days. I think I've decided on the things that have been most important to me.

The most important thing that I think I've done right is showing my now 13yo lots of affection and always telling him that I love him no matter what. I grew up in a unaffectionate home. I can't remember my mother ever telling me that she loved me. I get sad now when I see other families that are close and completely comfortable hugging or holding hands or snuggling on the sofa.

The one thing I regret more than anything is not just enjoying my ds for who he was. I was so young and inexperienced when I had him and so worried about being a "good" mom and not raising a "spoiled" child that I created a lot of anxiety in our relationship. Now that I have my second baby and can see how different their personalities are from the moment they are born (more accurately from the moment they are conceived), I find myself just enjoying whatever my baby does. I wish I had just sat back and watched my older ds learn and explore and become rather than thinking I had to do something all the time.

 

[Calm]

That sounds like my hope, Alysia. Also my beginnings with my daughter, with the worrying. How is it with your son now he is 13? Does he like affection? Sorry, don't mean to be nosey...well, maybe I do...

By the way, I checked out your pic, and boy oh boy, what a gorgeous family! Such great eyes.

 

[Calm]

I probably should add why I asked such a nosey question, I didn't have much physical affection. A lot of love, but not very touchy. I find I am uncomfortable with affection with my family members now (parents, etc), but not with others. Strange. So that is why I was wondering if it makes a difference if you are an affectionate family. We are, so I hope DD always likes it that way.

 

[MarineWife]

I think it does make a difference if you are an affectionate family. I am uncomfortable with physical affection from almost anyone unless they are very open and affectionate. I would never initiate a hug with a friend, for example, but if I have a friend who just automatically hugs me, it doesn't bother me. Maybe that's because I grew up with both types of relationships. My parents got divorced when I was 4yo and I lived with my mom. She was not affectionate or attentive at all and I can't ever remember her saying she loved me. My dad and I were always close and affectionate. We always hugged each other and told each other that we loved each other. I remember sitting on his lap in his rocking chair until I was 13 or 14 years old. Now it's the same way. I can hug my dad, or lean on his shoulder or hold his hand or arm without thinking about it. However, even when my mom comes to visit after not seeing her for a long time it's awkward to hig her hello and goodbye.

My 13yo is very affectionate and more touchy in general, not in front of his friends, though. Sometimes I tease him and chase him around the house trying to give him a kiss and he screams and runs away like I have cooties.

He hugs me all the time and we give each other back rubs. He loves to cuddle in bed and sometimes will even sleep with me. What I've found most interesting is that he gives my dh, who has been his stepfather since he was 9yo, not only hugs but kisses, too. I'd never seen males in a family show each other affection in any way.

 

[mwherbs]

When it comes to discipline, connecting with your child, guiding them, etc, what worked for you? Were you a tough one? Really easy going? Are your children pleasant and happy? What would you do differently, now that you know? How 'bout the "no" phase - did you ignore it or pull them in line (and did it work long term?).

Go through the time and trouble it is to let them help you- when my older kids were little I didn't really let them help because I just wanted to get things done, they are still not always the most helpful on the other hand my younger daughter(who walked at 8 mo) was pulling the chair over to the sink and tried to do the dishes at about 18 months and I let her and I rinsed the dishes.. it was fun and messy and not fast but she stayed good help as did our younger son. I can go with the previous poster who said respect too. I have always treated kids with respect like adults, but differently I did have some consequences when they were teens- like not lending my car out if it doesn't come back timely.

As for regrets, when I was younger I was really a control freak, I was what I now call a "food nazi" all that ended up doing was making certain foods like sugar coveted objects> about the time that they were picking abc gum off the pavement that had been run over by a car is about the time i realized I had to ease up a bit...
I would also not use so many words to explain things to young children- my kids just became "lawyers" looking for loop holes or long closing arguments/statements
have less toys..
keep the tv out of the house for several years more than I did

 

[Coffee Mom]

Well I have managed to raise two girls on my own, and not sure how successful I've been but I've sure tried. I've always been pretty liberal with my daughters and most of the time let them learn from their own mistakes. Since they were little, I have always tried communicating with them and talking about all the tough subjects. Probably the most important thing i've taught them is being honest and respectful. I can accept making mistakes in judgement but don't ever lie to me, and I've preached that for as long as I can remember. Now I think I can say that my girls are my best friends (most of the time anyway) and we laugh and talk alot about everything, sometimes they even tell me things i don't want to know. I'm sure some of their friend's moms think i'm a little whacko, but my two girls are respectful, happy, and confident in themselves. They've probably matured faster than most kids their ages but that happens to alot of kids. I think my best advice is not to sweat the small stuff, pick your battles, and remember how you were when you were that age. Sure my kids do things i'd prefer they didn't do, but I'm happy if they grow up to be healthy happy and decent human beings, and so far they are !!!!

 

[mamaliss]

I agree with what everyone else said! And also if I had to do it over , I would have not listened to other peoples advice but my own!!!

 

[Calm]

Go through the time and trouble it is to let them help you

have less toys..
keep the tv out of the house for several years more than I did

I've always been pretty liberal with my daughters and most of the time let them learn from their own mistakes.

I can accept making mistakes in judgement but don't ever lie to me

Those are choicy good snippets of advice!!! I wonder about those very things. Thank you for taking the time to reflect on these things for me

.

Quote:

about the time that they were picking abc gum off the pavement that had been run over by a car is about the time i realized I had to ease up a bit...

That made me :LOL.

 

[velcromom]

When it comes to discipline, connecting with your child, guiding them, etc, what worked for you? Were you a tough one? Really easy going? Are your children pleasant and happy?
I came from a spanking family and that's what I knew.. I tried it a couple of times with my ds1 during his third year and saw that it made things worse so I knew I needed to find another way. What worked for me discipline wise was more a responsive style, in the sense that I learned to see behind the behavior and draw out the feelings causing it and deal with that instead. Givng kids a way to identify feelings and ways to express them safely is so important. If you asked my 13 year old he'd probably say I'm tough, but I think he has a lot of freedom. We generally are easy going, we don't do a lot of yelling ( actually if I raise my volume at all, ds1 gets upset and says "you don't need to yell, mom"lol, if he only knew what yelling was for real... he has no idea!)

My ds1 has always been a very sweet boy, we've been thru rough times together and I feel like we are a thousand times closer than I ever was with my parents. He still comes to me for hugs. He's getting more moody and teenagish now but I think he doesn't really mean to be snarky, it's just the age and the hormones.

"How 'bout the "no" phase - did you ignore it or pull them in line (and did it work long term?)."
The "no" stage, we are kinda in the middle of that with ds2 who is 25 months. I'm already helping him to learn to describe his feelings and letting him know it's ok to be angry, it's ok to be frustrated, and validating his desires by verbally commiserating with them ( you really want to have a banana, I bet you wish we could go to the store and get all the bananas there, you'd like to eat all the bananas in the whole wide world...) which not only makes him feel heard and takes the conflict out of the situation but can also lead to a silly episode of make-believe instead of a tantrum. Of course there are some tantrums that are going to happen no matter what you do. I let those blow over with minimal interference since in that case it just makes him more upset to have me try to comfort him or cajole him out of it. In the end, my basic policy for "no!" has been you can say no, I'll help you express it appropriately and let you express your point of view. Then we will go on to do the intended activity. I still do this with my older boy, sometimes it leads to a productive discussion that brings a compromise, sometimes it just lets him get his grumbling over with so he can get on to the task at hand. Once in a while we butt heads and end up going opposite directions to cool off. And sometimes my two year old goes straight to critical tantrum stage and I feel like running out of the house screaming. :LOL

What would you do differently, now that you know?
I think my primary regret is that I would like to be more consistent, I sometimes just feel like I don't have the energy and it would be easier to just yell, "Shut up!". I know one thing I should have been doing all along, and should still do, is to make sure I refuel myself, because it is not easy to deal with the kids in a way you will be proud of when you are running on empty.