AP and the Easy Baby

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I have been re-reading my BABY BOOK by Dr. Sears and he talks about this in there actually. He says that the best combo for attatchment is the high needs baby with an attentive mother. That a high needs baby and mama are always "attatched" so although the high needs baby is harder in some ways to parent, they are easier to bond with and attatch to because they DEMAND it!!!

He then talks about other types of baby personalities and says that actually having a easy going baby is one of the hardest types to attatch to. The reasoning is that they don't demand so much attention so its easy for mom not to do things like babywear, nurse often, co-sleep that makes attatchment easier. Make sense? He says it takes an extra attentive mom to bond and practice AP with an easy baby. He does also talk about reading your baby's cues but said that an easy baby won't neccesarrily give you those cues so you sometimes have to initiate it. I found this very interesting. But I agree that you should follow your babe's cues but still continue to do the things that will help you become more "attatched" like babywearing, co=sleeping, and of course, breastfeeding.

oh, and I also think that your 2nd baby may just seem easier because you have gotten so much experience with baby #1 and you are just an awesome mom and have got this parenting thing down!!!

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This may be getting a little OT but I have wondered about this, too.

I know there are definitely huge personality differences among babies. But, it seems like a lot of people who have a child who they identify as HN or spirited, have either only one child, or they identify their oldest child as being that way. Maybe it's just my perception.

I know I thought my son fit the HN definition when he was a baby. And he probably was, to some extent, but really... he was just a normal baby, perhaps fussier and more demanding than average. I have a feeling I will be thinking my second is easier, too.

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Hmmm. Maybe. Maybe not. Isn't it precisely the nature of someone who is easy going is to let things slide?

I'm partnered with an easy goer. By all accounts he was a VERY content baby and child and it was all too easy for his busy parents to overlook his real needs. He loves his folks dearly and doesn't hold a grudge, but I think he would say that being passed over for his more demanding siblings really did damage his self-esteem.

As his partner, I have learned that he doesn't necessarily (probably won't) yelp even when he feels it. He could be suffering inside and not be very demonstrative/vocal about it. He is working on expressing himself more, but his cues still tend to be subtle, and I have to listen HARD. I wonder to what extent he might have learned to express himself more if he had been given the space (in the form of attention and encouragement, rather than distance) he needed from his folks.

In any case, I don't at all mean to scare anyone here. I'm simply adding this anecdote to the Sears' line of reasoning pointed out by Parker'smommy.

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Hurray for the OP for such conscious parenting!

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UGH!!!!!

I am going to have to look at my book and see that with my own eyes. What a horrible thing to say...and total BS too, at least from my experience!

I attached very easily to Fiona, and she was the easiest baby I've EVER EVER heard of. My boys are pretty easy too, in the grand scheme of things, but very demanding compared to Fiona and it took me over 6 months to feel secure in my attachment to them.

That statement seems so counterintuitive to me. I'm glad that I don't like Dr. Sears much anyway (I'm sure he's a great guy and all, nothing personal, but there are other issues I've had with his "tone" of writing.)

I think that probably people who AP think that the easiest AP baby is the first one they do it with. Or their last. My daughter was so accepting and welcoming of me, it was 99.9 percent joy to be her mama. I still get soaked shirts from leaking when we cuddle for longer than 5 minutes, and still get a nursing high when I look into her eyes while she gets her once a day boob. I had no concept that AP could ever be hard, until I got two more-demanding babies and had my arrogance taken down a notch.

Bleah. I'm sorry, but I really take umbrage with that alleged statement of Dr. Sears! I really want to see the context it was in! Did he mean, perhaps that the best mama for a spirited baby is a high-response mama? I vaguely recall that section of the book, and I thought it was talking about 4 different parenting dyads and how the only real difficult one from an AP perspectives was a high need baby and a more cool-responding mama! I didn't realize it was a slam at low-needs babies! Yeow!

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Parenting confidence aside, there is a huge difference between babies who will lie on gym mats for a few minutes and babies who shriek like they are being dismembered if you try and put them down.

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That is true, and I definitely have BTDT with the child who wouldn't be put down at all, hated the car, needed constant physical contact to stay asleep... etc.

I guess what I'm saying is that maybe, the perception of how demanding a baby is, is somewhat relative--to the personality of the mother, to the personality and age of older siblings (if any) in comparison, to how much help and support the mother has. And it depends on her expectations. My comment on how I read so often that the HN kids are the oldest, refers to that...now that I have had my son, I no longer *expect* that any baby would sit in a bouncy seat or on a mat for a few minutes. There may be some that do, but maybe even *most* babies a lot of the time will refuse to be put down...maybe that is the *norm*. Once we have a demanding baby, our expectations change and it makes the subsequent babies seem easier. Just an idea. I still only have one.

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I still have just one child, too, but I tend to agree. I can't imagine a second baby seeming harder to cope with than my DS was in his first year. And it wasn't just about him and his needs, though those were admittedly intense. I had a very steep learning curve in regards to babies in general, was under a lot of stress from other factors, lacked support, was ill for awhile, etc.

And, actually, his neediness pushed me way farther into the AP camp than I might have gone with an "easier" baby... so I guess I have to agree with the OP, too, in that sense. I intended to cosleep only part time and work on having DS spend longer stretches in the crib as he got older -- Hah! too bad he woke up the minute I was no longer touching him. I didn't particularly plan on slinging him for 8+ hours a day until he was close to a year old, either, and I sort of thought maybe I'd wean at a year. And so on and so forth.

This conversation gets more and more interesting to me! After DS, I gave away my bouncy seat, mobile, the exersaucer someone gave me, and many other varieties of baby "entertainment." I knew I was going to have a nother, but I also doubted she would enjoy any of these, since DS did not. As I passed those items on to various friends who were havng their first babies, I laughed silently, thinking, "You might imagine you will use these things, but just wait. Babies don't like this crap. It's all a marketing ploy." Well, needless to say, most of THEIR babies loved the stuff...and now the joke is on me, because DD would love it too, if I hadn't given it all away. Now granted, this "easy" baby of mine still requires cosleeping and will not nap unless she is held. But sometimes, she will stay asleep if I put her down in her carseat or on my bed. DS never would. This "easy" baby is breastfed on demand and will be for many, many more months (years). She wakes up once or twice in the night to nurse. These things are all FINE with me! It is easy to meet her needs. DS woke up every hour and a half to nurse until he was 9 months old. Then, he went to every 2 hours. So, DD would not seem easy, perhaps, in the eyes of certain parents, but to me, by comparison, she is. I love reading what others think on this issue. It has been on my mind a lot frequently as my 2 babies are soooo different.

I also agree with the poster who mentioned the support and help a mom has. I lived 3,000 miles away from family with DS and now live back in my hometown. My mom helps me every day! (Yes, I know I am lucky).

For us, I think it's a combination of me being a more confident parent, and true personality differences. DS was hard ~ he cried 10-12 hours a day, woke to nurse every hour all night long, had to be in motion to nap, and was generally just an unhappy little guy for the first 6 months or so. My theory is that he hated being a baby. He became dramatically happier once he became mobile. On the other hand, DD at 12 weeks of age rarely cries, wakes only 1-2 times at night to nurse and has this sunny, smiley demeanor. She is so content. We just got back from taking DH out to breakfast for Father's Day and she sat happily on my lap the entire meal, playing with her plastic links. Even the waitress commented on how quiet and happy she seemed . We only dared to take DS out to a restaurant ONCE when he was a baby and it was an unmitigated screaming nightmare.

I'll just keep on co-sleeping, nursing and slinging my babe ~ even if she doesn't demand it . Actually, she can be pretty demanding about the nursing .

My second was "easy" as well. But I bonded with him super fast! My demanding DD, it took a lot longer to bond with. With DS, he may have been easy, but I just LOVED holding a baby who was quiet and content, nursing a baby who was totally blissed out on nursing, in general, caring for a happy baby. My DD was very, very demanding and it always felt like I didn't do enough (even though I ran myself ragged). For me, it was WAY easier to AP an 'easy' baby. I think that this is because I didn't 'learn' AP - for me it is the only way I'd ever imagined parenting, so it wasn't like I needed to be motivated by a demanding baby, or would have been unmotivated by an easy one.

BTW - my 'easy' baby is 2.5 now and a challenging toddler - the 'demanding' baby is 4 now and was a very easy toddler. For me, it is easy to AP an infant, it is the toddler years that are challenging.

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Tigerchild, I understand what you are saying and Im sure from your experience and because you are an attentive, attatched mother, you were able to bond easily and wonderfully with your dd. I didn't mean to say that it was impossible to bond with an easy baby. But can you see where it would be hard for an "unattatched MOTHER" to not bond with her easy going baby?

I got out my book, and it is in Ch. 16: Parenting the Fussy Or Colicky Baby. Its under Matching Babies and Parents sub topic title. And its geared towards parents who are trying to get out "the best in their high -need baby"

Let me reiterate for you - Sears says that the Easy baby plus Responsive mother is usually a good combo."Because easy babies are less demanding they do not have the forceful attatchment-promoting skills to inititate a high level of interaction with their caregivers (For example: don't cry to be held often). "But the intuitive and responsive mother realizes that her baby may need more than he demands and makes up for this by initiating interactions with her baby" An attatched mother would mother her easy going baby this way and thus bond easily. He then talks about the easy going mother and the restrained mother. This is where the easy going baby can be a poor match-up because the restrained mother will interpret the mellow baby as "He doesnt seem to need me as much" and thus a strong bond is created because baby doesnt demand it and mom doesnt initiate bond creating activities.

Does this make sense??? I think what Sears is trying to get at is that having a high needs baby makes for a great bond between parent and child. And that an easy going baby that isnt AP'd won't get the high amount of bonding because he/she doesnt demand it.

My ds wasn't high needs but not exactly the "easy baby" either. He wanted to sleep with us, and I thought this was normal ( and still do) so he did. I was strolling him at a street faire and he was fussying and I was having a hard time with him when we passed a vendor selling Over the SHoulder Baby Holder slings. He called me over, placed ds in a sling, told me to walk around a bit and ds fell asleep, my mom said, "SOLD!" ( talk about divine intervention )SO, then I used the sling all teh time and ds and I fell in love with it. He wasnt a comfort nurser until he was a year old or so.

What I am getting at in my ramblings.... is that my next babe, regardless of his/her tempermant will be AP'd and therefore we will bond. But because I hadn't heard of AP before ds was born, if ds had been even more easy going and hadnt demanded to sleep with us, settled easily,didn't fuss, didnt like to nurse, preferred to be alone and independent over being held, maybe, just maybe we wouldnt be as close or attatched as we are now.

Kristina,your post describes exactly what is going on in my house.

With DD#1 I always wondered how people couldn't AP? I didn't realize that some babies actually slept, didn't cry all the time, and allowed themsleves to be put down. DD#2 is so easy going it kind of freaks me out. But it is a beautiful thing because I can truly enjoy her babyhood. I find myself picking her up out of her sleep and cuddling her just to do it so often. With DD#1 I would never have done that once I achieved that long sought after sleep state.

I do struggle with the concern that I will overlook her needs simply because she isn't forceful in making her needs known. Especially when her older sister is so needy still. I make a special effort. But I do let her play on the Gymini and on the ocean wonders bouncy sometimes. Though those things are definately not AP, the way I see it if she is happy and stimulated then it is only a good thing, as long as I am not using those things as receptacles to stick her and have my hands free you know? It is a hoot to see her getting such a kick out of those things too with coos and smiles. LOL I thought all those baby things were a total scam after my first DD rejected them so soundly.

But all in all, I think it is easier to AP my easy going baby because I am doing it for "fun" this time as opposed to necessity as I did with my first. The element of stress that was associated with it is now gone for me. I think it is a testament to the beauty of the AP style of parenting that it suits both the high needs child and the mellow babe and the parent.

Erika