[Serenity]

hi all, i've been feeling really down lately about parenting my 5 yo ds. He's been diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD. Anyway I have been attachment parenting him from the beginning, lots of love and affection, cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, gentle discipline, sling. And it was really hard too because he was always such a high needs kid and required little sleep.

Anyway, now he is such a behavior problem at home and I'm left wondering what I did wrong and if all that effort was wasted on him. I feel guilty saying that too. He just in the past several months has become more aggressive towards me, lots of yelling and lashing out, meltdowns, screaming that he hates me (in an inappropriate context too), like the other day he was mad at his speech teacher and he came home and told me i was a stupid girl and he hated me.

I dunno, I just don't know how to parent this kid. I'm starting to feel like i'm tense and walking on eggshells because any moment he's going to meltdown or lash out at me. help?

 

[MyTwoAs]

First

My son is also 5 - first dx'd with ADHD and then AS was added on to it. He is a very difficult child to parent.

The way I look at it is if did NOT approach parenting from an AP standpoint then things very likely would be a lot worse. Just say if you didn't pursue gentle discipline and instead chose to spank or use punitive discipline - he might be more aggressive and more mean to you. You are modeling good behavior for him - treat him with respect and one day it will click and he'll be able to reciprocate.

One thing that has been a tremendous help to my son is play therapy. He has worked on his rigidity, tone, ways he says things, etc. At times he'll catch himself and realize that he was being rude or even downright mean and rephrase things.

 

[Lovenest]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Serenity hi all, i've been feeling really down lately about parenting my 5 yo ds. He's been diagnosed with Asperger's and ADHD. Anyway I have been attachment parenting him from the beginning, lots of love and affection, cosleeping, extended breastfeeding, gentle discipline, sling. And it was really hard too because he was always such a high needs kid and required little sleep. Anyway, now he is such a behavior problem at home and I'm left wondering what I did wrong and if all that effort was wasted on him. I feel guilty saying that too. He just in the past several months has become more aggressive towards me, lots of yelling and lashing out, meltdowns, screaming that he hates me (in an inappropriate context too), like the other day he was mad at his speech teacher and he came home and told me i was a stupid girl and he hated me. I dunno, I just don't know how to parent this kid. I'm starting to feel like i'm tense and walking on eggshells because any moment he's going to meltdown or lash out at me. help?

Wow, that sounds like how we raise our son and that sounds like my son he will 5 in August!

Ok, maybe not so funny, right? But really sounds like the stuff we are going through right now. I think it is the age for this and also with SN kids there is other factors that influence behaviour I think. My son so far just has been DXed with sensory issues and has OT for that. I know its really hard and I dont really have any advice just a

and know that you are not alone. All I can say is we pick our battles and its easier as my hubby is just like my son so I ask my hubby like why our son is doing something that I find odd or way out there and hes like nope XYandZ.. So thats nice I have him to bounce off of. Anything you are having a problem with in particular that maybe we can give you pointers with?

 

[JohannasGarden]

It's hard to answer this since AP means many things to many people, but though I don't challenge the basic, early childhood stuff, sometimes my mindset, aimed at respecting my children, has left my Aspie DS with a lack of clarity about things, particularly how I will react to a particular situation (as that is too dependent on my mood).

I found that some of the early chapters in _Transforming the Difficult Child, the Nurtured Heart Approach_ explain some of the issues pretty well. I am also realizing that he needs things explained in a different way than an NT kid would--but that really has nothing to do with AP or "push them towards independence so the parents can get back to working overtime" parenting.

Sherri

 

[williamsmommy2002]

I try to think of the way my ds would be without our firm attachment. He trusts and looks to me for guidance. To me that is huge. He also hits and bites me. I feel that he feels safer doing those things to me because i'm a constant in his life. He feels comfortable enough around me to express himself(because this is him expressing himself). I'm not claiming to be great or that things aren't frustrating in our house. I just firmly believe that AP has done good things for my ds.

 

[PikkuMyy]

I'm not a parent but it totally works for me with the children I work with, and I do behavioral-based (somewhat) therapy with young children on the Autism spectrum, with great variety.

However, I am able to find ways of being in control of the therapy and being able to teach things in small components and working on behavior while still being very respectful, working a lot on attachment and trust, and giving the kids lots of control and choices, etc. It really works.

 

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

 

[Serenity]

thanks for all the replies. i guess we are just entering a new phase of childhood. he can be really sweet and loving, which i guess AP has helped with. i just feel so underappreciated and a bit of a failure when he is acting so horribly towards me. Me, the one who stayed up every night for more than a year to gently comfort him back to sleep every 2 hours, who held him close during every nap for 18 months, etc. It's just hard to hear stuff like "I hate you" when i've poured so much love into him.

 

[Lovenest]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Serenity thanks for all the replies. i guess we are just entering a new phase of childhood. he can be really sweet and loving, which i guess AP has helped with. i just feel so underappreciated and a bit of a failure when he is acting so horribly towards me. Me, the one who stayed up every night for more than a year to gently comfort him back to sleep every 2 hours, who held him close during every nap for 18 months, etc. It's just hard to hear stuff like "I hate you" when i've poured so much love into him.

Oh mama, I know that feeling.

You sound like you are a wonderful mama.

 

[Jessica-Ann]

I found the book written by Ross Green, The Explosive Child to be of great help. I have a dd dx with mood disorder-nos, and my son was just dx with autism spectrum disorder. So I completely understand what you are describing.

HTH
Jess

 

[LynnS6]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Serenity thanks for all the replies. i guess we are just entering a new phase of childhood. he can be really sweet and loving, which i guess AP has helped with. i just feel so underappreciated and a bit of a failure when he is acting so horribly towards me. Me, the one who stayed up every night for more than a year to gently comfort him back to sleep every 2 hours, who held him close during every nap for 18 months, etc. It's just hard to hear stuff like "I hate you" when i've poured so much love into him.

Will it help if I tell you that NT children do this too at about this age? And that him saying "I hate you" might actually be a POSITIVE sign?

:

Seriously. He's learning the power of words. OK, so he's going to need a lot of help understanding how to direct his powerful emotions and his the EFFECT of his words on you. But you can see that he HAS powerful emotions, that he's struggling with them, and he's trying out the effects of words. All of that is actually EXPECTED at this age. Just probably not at this intensity. (And not with the accompanying physical lashing out.)

Your attachment has not been a waste. It has given you a base to build on.

 

[Serenity]

LynnS6, i think this will be my new mantra, thank you:

"Your attachment has not been a waste. It has given you a base to build on."

 

[LowFlyingAnimals]

I sooo needed to read this today!

My dd will be 5 in a few weeks. She is undiagnosed, but she is doing all the things you describe. Sometimes she is very good. But, then she just goes nuts. She also needs lots of stimulation, so she often freaks when we're out, and there are times where I just can't get one more "look" or I'm going to loose it. I've been completely questioning our approach. Should I have been/be stricter with her? Should we just stay in our home unless I'm certain she'll be controllable? Could I do anything? Anything differently? I know there is something up with her that makes her act different, but I can't help but compare her to the typical kids acting reasonably while I'm being pummeled, bit, screamed at, and stretched to the limits of my patience and now strength (she's surprisingly strong!).

Anyway, I can relate. And, in my heart of hearts I know we did the right thing and the results will be obvious someday.