[majorsky]

Lately my DD has been having days where she is pretty demanding and I struggle to meet her emotional needs. Most of the time I can deal with it, but lately it's gotten more challenging for me. There are moments when I feel anxious, frustrated, inadequate, and even angry.

DD is my first and I know there will always be occasional times in childhood when I feel like this. Please don't chastise me for my feelings -- I'm only human and I want to break the cycle of abuse I went through as a child.

I've chosen attachment parenting for my DD, which I think is more challenging and labor-intensive than the parenting methods my mother and grandmother employed. If a mom is struggling to cope with a baby's demands, my mother and grandmother think a baby should be left crying in a room and the mother should close the door and tune out the baby. I don't want to do that, but I want to maintain my sanity, too.

How do other moms get over those difficult moments where you can't seem to meet your baby's needs and you just want to leave the room and cry, or scream? I participate in a mommy group once a month (I'm considering joining another one as well) and I talk with other moms. I don't have family close by to help out. I just joined a church that's family-friendly and will probably give me leads for childcare help in the future. I'm mainly looking for feedback on how other moms deal with those acute episodes when your emotions take over and you feel overwhelmed by your child's needs.

I hope this is the appropriate forum -- please feel free to move this message if necessary.

Thanks,
Kristin

 

[BensMom]

When DD is being needy and whiney and fussy, I usually get us out of the house. A walk, a drive, shopping, anything to change the scenery for both of us. She likes looking at the people and sights when we are in store, so she is less demanding of me. The car ride will sometimes put her to sleep and I will grab a coffee and drive around a bit. I figure the cost of gas is still cheaper than therapy.

Sometimes I have laid her on my bed and nursed her, so at least I can rest while I am nursing. I am reading books while nursing now, even though Ms Grabby Hands makes it hard, I keep at it and she is finally more accepting of the book behind her.

Its tough. I dont think you need to give everything to your dd if it means loosing your sanity. What about DH? CAn he help? I find weekend afternoons work for getting out of the house a bit, as she is happy and will be good for DH.

 

[buffybutt]

It is only human nature to get frustrated so make sure that you dont beat yourself up about be frustrated. Its good to let the steam out. When Im in a slump with my son I will say over and over again, This wont last forever, we are okay, Im thankful to have you. I also put him in the ergo and take a walk. We dont live near anything to walk to but he likes to look at the houses. Its always good to get a change of senery. Be gentle to yourself. You need to be okay too, I hope that you find another moms group. The support that I find from other moms is amazeing.

Hugs
Angie

 

[Awaken]

I experienced this a lot with my first. It can be extremely exhausting and physically and emotionally draining- but you can be proud of yourself for choosing to parent the way you are, and we can all hope in the long run it will be more than worth it!

You are already doing some great things by getting out and meeting other moms. What saved my sanity in the earlier days was to do as many activities with the baby as I could- LLL meetings, mom/baby yoga classes, moms groups in the nieghborhood, moms group at the birth center or ped's office, taking walks or meeting for coffee or lunch with the moms I met at the above activities. Just passing the time in a positive way and having people to share with, who understand what it's like to adjust to life with a baby, is so helpful.

As already mentioned, just taking a long walk with the baby can help calm them down and life your mood and also make you feel good about getting some exercise and sunshine.

I also loved laying down when nursing as much as possible. When ds was little I could even look at my laptop while he snoozed (can't do that anymore!)

Also, what I did a lot of when ds1 was little and was extremely needy and fussy was to take a lot of baths together. The water calmed us both down and it was one thing we could do together where he wouldn't cry.

 

[momtoNatalee]

I am can completly understand. And yes I agree w/ pp gas is cheaper than therapy

There are times when I had to set dd in her play pen and walk into another room for a minute and just scream. I don't think that would make someone a bad parent. I usually feel much better after and can then concentrate on figuring out what she needs.

I promise it gets easier. My dd likes going to walks in her stroller or sling but right now in Fl it is a little too hot for even the stroller sometimes. We have no trees or shade. What about going window shopping? We used to have to get out of the house at least once a day to keep our sanity. We'd go to Target or where ever. That is great you meet up w/ a mommy's group. I don't know of one around where I live, but if so I would def. go!! Do you live near a LLL group? That would be good support also. And of course coming to MDC when I got a chance was great for support.

 

[Shanana]

I think it's important to be okay with your frustration, anger, sadness, etc. A very wise friend told me that it would not be good for my dd if I constantly shoved my emotions away and stuffed them down, down, down where they couldn't be found. Sometimes being a parent can be really frustrating and trying. And you know what? It's okay to be angry. The important thing is how you manage it. It is not okay to be angry and shake your baby. It is okay to be angry, set your baby down and go scream in the other room for a minute (as pp suggested). I am ashamed to admit that several times in the early, insanely difficult days, I was so angry and upset that I yelled at dd. I felt very badly about this, and I told her so (even though she was only a few weeks old). So, the way you choose to manage your anger is what's important. And if you don't do such a great job, then apologize to your child. In fact, handling your anger and mistakes in an appropriate manner is a very important thing to model for your children. Too many kids (myself included) grow up either never seeing anger, or seeing it expressed inappropriately.

So don't try to suppress it, or think you're a bad person for feeling that way. Feelings just *are*, and they're okay. And I know things can be especially hard if you don't have friends/family to help out. If you need to take a minute or two to collect yourself, set your dd someplace where she'll be safe and do what you need to do. It will be better for both of you in the end, because you'll be a better parent for it. No parent is ever perfect or able to meet every need of their children all the time at just that moment ... it is the accumulation of what you do that really matters. Hugs mama. It gets so much easier as time goes by!

 

[ndunn]

Oh, hugs to you. I have these days. My daughter has always been really active and needs lots of stimulation. On the days she's had a bad night the night before(teething right now so more often!) sometimes I have real lows of energy and it seems a bit overwhelming. I had a week like that this week so I took a 2 hour trip to visit my big extended family for 3 days. It was nice to have lots of help with the baby and everyone wanted to hold her and play with her so I got a bit of a break without having to neglect her in any way. Plus she got to play with her 11 month old cousin! It was great.

Mom's groups are great too!

 

[majorsky]

What great responses.

I was nervous about saying anything about my frustrations and I haven't talked to other moms IRL about it because I think all moms feel pressure to be "perfect." You've all helped me greatly and I will look at things differently now. My DH is a great help when he's available, but he works long hours. DH and DD get along so well, I think partially because she knows he doesn't have breasts that give milk so she doesn't feel compelled to complain constantly that she wants to nurse. (That's been one of the things driving me crazy -- she nurses every hour-and-a-half around the clock recently. ugh.)

Next weekend my DH is going camping with an old friend. It will be my first time alone with DD for an extended period and my DH was getting worried about how I'd survive. I agreed to go visit my in-laws for a day-and-a-half (two hours away) so they could help with the baby. I haven't been a fan of my in-laws, but I'm willing to seek their help with DD and they're thrilled to spend time with their granddaughter.

We take a morning walk in the park every weekday since she was a couple of months old and that really helps keep DD stimulated. But she seems to go stir-crazy in the house, so I need to get her out more during the day.

All your suggestions have been wonderful.

Kristin

 

[LittleLlama]

Totally been there! I'm sorry to say that in 8 months, it still isn't entirely gone. There are times when he's just being SO graby and bites and all of the things tthat make him happy cause me pain and getting even a couple feet away from him makes him cry.

So my solutions have been a lot of the same as others. He's a totally new baby and I can re-focus just going in the back yard if a full on walk isn't possible. Also, I'll sing made-up verses to nursery rymes- vent through a children's tune

One of the most valuable things though was finding a SAHM neighbor. Just the fact that she offered to watch T if ever I needed a few minutes was a big deal and going over to her house gives me and babe a whole new set of distractions.

 

[~PurityLake~]

I was just reading this thread and thought what a coincidence, that today, of all days, I read this. I was getting so frustrated with my daughter today. I am due with baby #2 in 2 days. So, on top of having an active, smart, curious, adventurous, needy, sick (she has a cold) 14 mo toddler, I'm also tired, big, clumsy and feeling like I can't get a break. I actually yelled at my daughter today because she was whining and pulling on my leg. She was hungry and I was trying to make her lunch, and told her I was making her something to eat, but she has become accustomed to getting what she wants right away. Patience is not something I've tried to teach her yet. I told her, I can't hold you, I can't feed you until I make your food. She just yelled louder, pulled the plate off the counter, and generally insisting I give her food NOW. It was not easy bending over to pick up the plate while pg, and I was just getting frustrated. Lately with her 'help', all my household chores take 2 to 3 times as long as they normally would, on top of the fact that I'm moving a lot slower. I ended up putting her in her highchair (I don't knwo why I didn't think of that earlier, but we almost never use it) just so I could finish making her lunch fast enough that I could feed her. I felt so guilty for having yelled at her, especially since it's not normal for me to yell and I think I scared her.

We do go to a baby class once to twice a week, and she always comes with me everywhere I go, errands, shopping, whatever. She does get bored very easily and I have been so low on energy lately, I'm afraid I can't keep her as entertained as I'd like to. She is also more interested in 'wrestling' now, which isn't so good with a baby inside me.

 

[bratmobile]

I thought about posting a question like this but didn't know where to put it. My midwife recently reminded me that cultures that practice more attached parenting DO NOT have only 2 caregivers in their households. When babies are carried all the time and constantly nursed and slept with it is not all placed on the mother. There are always other relatives to help out and usually 3 generations living in the same household. Its crazy to expect that you can be a perfectly attached parent and meet both baby's and your needs all by yourself. Yet this is the case of a lot of people most AP parents in the States anyways. We live with 2 parents in a household and 1 is probably gone most of the day. I think the bottom line is that we all need help! Its important to do your best and not beat yourself up and its even more important to seek and accept all the help you can get.

 

[cjuniverse]

Parent practically and sanely says I, meet your child's needs and your own as equally as possible. Don't martyr yourself to any cause, AP included.

Do what you've got to do, apologize and move on when you fail. Most of all, enjoy your child(ren). They're only children once, and the more fun you have, the better memories you'll have.

And absolutely, if you need help, ASK. Always. Don't overextend yourself. Don't feel guilty about not being perfect. Nothing is perfect. Just do your best.

It really is that simple!

 

[majorsky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bratmobile My midwife recently reminded me that cultures that practice more attached parenting DO NOT have only 2 caregivers in their households.

I've now figured out why that is.

Only experience with my own baby taught me the importance of the phrase "it takes a village to raise a child." I've lived nearly 2,000 miles away from my own family for 13 years and I've been totally OK with it up to now... but now that I have a baby, I miss those long-ago days when I could drive a few miles and spend time with extended family. I'm not going to move back there because I don't like the weather in my home state

but I have learned how important it is to have family support around me when raising a child.

I'm doing better with things at the moment because I'm going to use some of the ideas here and I don't feel so much pressure to be "perfect." It's still a challenge because DD has been teething for a while and I get very little sleep these days... *bleary* So I want to try to build up a network to help out with my little one.

I just thank God everyday I didn't have twins.

Kristin

 

[majorsky]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Abi's Mom I was just reading this thread and thought what a coincidence, that today, of all days, I read this. I was getting so frustrated with my daughter today. I am due with baby #2 in 2 days.

Take it easy mama -- you've earned the right to relax now!! It's tough, but when you're so close to popping, just let the household stuff go. I know you still have your DD to care for, but let everything else fall off the plate. It's too much when you're that pregnant. Maybe you can have your DH rub your shoulders for you.

Kristin

 

[kreyno4]

I'm glad you are doing better, mama! Celebrate your successes and how far you have come in a short time!

It sounds like you are on the right track to finding a community of people by joining mamas groups, a church, etc.

For me, I have to step out of my comfort zone a bit (not naturally extroverted) to make mama friends, but I am finding it is worth it. I told my husband, "You can't play hard-to-get with mama friends!" If I meet someone who I like/have something in common with, I give them my email and phone number and follow up if they give me theirs. Then hang out. I also like this advice on my favorite blog about "finding your tribe:"

http://moxie.blogs.com/askmoxie/2006...ting_ppd_.html

 

[josybear]

i've taken to taking walks with ds and dropping in on other sahms i know. they're almost always thrilled to have me show up.
feeling isolated and overwhelmed seem to be universal feelings for sahms. working moms, too, but they're harder to drop in on.
if you can, find some likeminded women in your area and begin taking walks when dc is too much.
and if your dc is like mine, she behaves better around strangers than at home. so you'll get sunshine and smiles out of a teething baby, even, sometimes!

 

[honeybee]

I agree about getting out of the house and meeting up with other moms. Lifesaver!

I try to get SOME time to myself. Dh takes the boys outside and I veg or shower or scrapbook, etc. This weekend we went to a big family reunion and ds2 got passed around between my aunts and his grandparents quite a bit. Ds2 loved the attention. I believe babies need to be held a lot, but I don't think it always has to be ME doing the holding. I just watch his cues to make sure I am there if he needs me.

I'm fortunate to have a lot of family in the area, but you can create your own family network. I know a family at our church teamed up with an older couple to be adopted grandparents for their kids since they don't have family in state.

Another idea as your baby gets a little older is to hire a young girl (or boy) to be a mother's helper for a few hours a couple days a week. Have the young teen (or even a responsible 11-12 year old) play with the baby in one part of the house while you do something else. I did this when ds1 was a baby and I was WAH.

Good luck finding a solution!

 

[Awaken]

Quote:

Originally Posted by bratmobile My midwife recently reminded me that cultures that practice more attached parenting DO NOT have only 2 caregivers in their households. When babies are carried all the time and constantly nursed and slept with it is not all placed on the mother. There are always other relatives to help out and usually 3 generations living in the same household. Its crazy to expect that you can be a perfectly attached parent and meet both baby's and your needs all by yourself. Yet this is the case of a lot of people most AP parents in the States anyways. We live with 2 parents in a household and 1 is probably gone most of the day. I think the bottom line is that we all need help! Its important to do your best and not beat yourself up and its even more important to seek and accept all the help you can get.