AP older kids - what to say

Is there reason not to trust her? What do your children think? My children didn't stay overnight with my mother until they were about 4, that is HER choice as she doesn't feel she can handle a baby or toddler overnight. That is fine by me. My FIL has never kept the children because he's an alcoholic (I don't think he'd WANT to keep them anyways), but my dad and stepmom have never kept the kids because my stepmom is a brutal bully.

I agree that AP doesn't mean that they have to be with you constantly until they're adults, will you not let them stay away from home at 16? 17? You have to conform with the age.

Ruthla, as always, you rock!

My oldest is 7 and is not ready to spend the night anywhere, so that solves that problem. It will become a problem when he is ready because I do *not* trust my IL's. But I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

I hope you can find the answers for your family!

We missed the mark here.
Firstly, thank you all for your input.

Actually I do not label myself as AP. I am sorry for any confusion about that. See from posts I've read referencing AP, it seems that keeping your children with you is a major part of it, so my intention was to attract those sorts of parents who may have faced the same uncomfortable situation, and therefore have helpful input on the topic.

To those who raised the point; I am fully aware of my feelings and responsibilities on the issue, my children are not suffering from this in the least.

To the question of others; she means for days or a couple of weeks. No it isn't just her, actually she is quite qualified. We do not, and have never left them in the care of anyone else since they were conceived.
It is simply my personal veiw of parenting. They have excellent quality time with their grandparents when we visit, we just simply do not leave them there.

What I was hoping for is suggestions for tactful responses to her feelings. I simply point out that I feel my children belong with me, but I think it is very difficult for her to grasp, having parented in a much different way with her kids "turning out alright", if you take my meaning. I was hoping for advice on a pleasant way to deal with these comments if they arise again in the future.

I actually tend to get a bit irked over it sometimes. She has plenty of one on one time with each of them and the baby when we visit, but she realy wants us to leave them. I just don't get it. Her recent thing is wanting to take them for walks alone, knowing full well that if they leave the house I escort them and assume full responsibilty for their well-being. She KNOWS this. Though I do follow behind at a distance and let them walk together of course. I am highly protective of my children, but I do make every effort not to "hover" if you follow me.

Your ds is 8 and you don't let him take a walk with a grandparent you trust alone? And not because of his feelings or concerns, but because of yours?

You are not going to find many parents, even here, who agree with this. Your MIL parented in a different way? I think almost everyone parents is a different way.

I think that this is not a helathy form of attachment on your part. It sounds like you are terrified of the world and are engaging in some "magical thinking" about your need to always have your children in your sight outside . I am not trying to be rude or snarky, but I really think that you need to talk to someone professionally about this,

I think that this is sort of sad for your kids. Children deserve to form bonds with loving trusted relatives other than their parents. While I don't think that an overnight is absolutely necessary an hour or so of true alone time (without mama being on their heels) is.

What are you telling your child about people by doing this?

At what age will you allow your child to be alone with a loving trusted grandparent?

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ITA with maya

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I consider keeping your children with you until THEY are ready to spend time apart to be part of AP. When my children were very small they were not left with other people. As they got older they slowly spent more and more time away from me. Now, they go to friend's houses, spend the night with grandparents occasionally, go to school, etc... They know we (DP & I) are always here for them and they can explore and expand their world at their pace.

How do your children feel about this? Do they do other things on their own (lessons, school, playdates, etc...) or are you with them all the time? Is that what they are comfortable with or do they want to be left with their grandparents?