Mothering Forum banner

1 - 13 of 13 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
What a day. Every day is an adventure with my little 6.5 mo old. He is teething and is very high need. Today I went to a mom's group meeting and we had a speaker (family/child psychologist) who was talking about ppd and also child development. And she was saying up to about 6 mo you can't spoil a baby but after that you shouldn't respond to every cry instead you should let them self-soothe. She said of course you shouldn't let the baby fall apart but that you shouldn't pick them up everytime they want it-you will spoil them.<br><br>
My question to all you AP'ers out there is can I spoil a babe older than 6 mo old? I didn't think you could. Maybe my real question is what is an appropriate response (since Dr. Sears says you should respond appropriately to your baby) for a 6.5 mo old? My baby basically wants to be held 75% of the day. I use a sling a lot but still he is getting really heavy now and I need a break plus I can't always pick him up /use a sling when he starts to whine, I need to take a shower, eat, go to the bathroom, etc. So if he starts to whine and I can't pick him up/or put him in the sling, I usually try offering different toys or sing a song (to see if he is bored or if I can distract him) and if that doesn't work or when that no longer seems to be working (whines become closer and closer together and more urgent), I pick him up and see if he wants to nurse or sleep or just be held. Really I would like to pick him up whenever he whines. Is that wrong? Is that over indulgent? Is it wrong to let him whine at all (when I can't pick him up?)<br><br>
Can you spoil a 6.5 mo old? My question is also due to some insecurity I have been feeling lately about my parents visiting next month. They live on the other side of the country so they don't get to see my baby. They came at Christmas time after he was born and both my dad and mom told my dh and I that we were holding the baby too much. We laughed at them then, saying, you can't spoil a baby this age.<br><br>
About a month ago my sister came to visit me and she loves children and has done a lot of child care herself. She tried to help me by playing with the baby. She was successful at distracting him for short periods of time but inevitably he would start whining and if I was within view, make signals that he wanted me. She thought it was perfectly normal. A 6 mo old should be attached to her mother. I thought so too since Dr. Sears says your baby can't be too attached. However my sister made the mistake of telling my mother the story (because she thought it was so cute how he would look up at me, hold up his arms and ask for me to take him back). And my mother's response was, uh..huh he's spoiled. I was so mad! Anyway that is adding to my insecurity right now. I guess I just need some support from all of you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
560 Posts
No I don't believe you can spoil a child at any age with love. What is spoiled anyways? My 7 month old gets picked up whenever he cry's, I usually do the same as you. I try and give him a toy or get his brothers to play with him but he will definatly let me know if thats not what he wants. So I pick him up and nurse or sling him. Is that spoiled? I don't know and don't really care. I love how much he trusts me. I know the time will come way too fast when I can barely get a hug from him. I know because I have two older boys that I parented the same way. Please don't feel guilty or insecure for respnoding to your baby.<br>
Could you maybe print off some info or studies for you mother. Thats what I have done for my parents and it seems to help them to better understand.<br>
(((hugs)))<br>
Sebrina
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
865 Posts
Babies are amazing creatures. They are born with the ability to tell you they need something, and they just get better at that. Babies ALWAYS cry for a reason, some people just don't consider it a legitimate reason. Why some people don't consider babies as human beings that deserve respect is beyond me.<br><br>
I wouldn't worry about whether or not it's AP or not, just what FEELS right to you. Obviously you know that picking up your baby meets his needs, so you keep doing it. Your ds knows you will be there for him, and he expects it. Please don't stop now because of outside pressure.<br><br>
When he starts crawling he will be more independant and probably won't ask to be picked up as much.<br><br>
Give your family a copy of <i>The Continuum Concept</i>, and then maybe they'll understand.<br><br>
Edited to actually answer your question, of course you can not spoil a baby. 6 months is still quite young.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,142 Posts
I don't think babies can be spoiled. period. I don't think at any age, because when they are complaining, crying, whatever they are doing to get your attention, it's because they need your attention, I believe babies wants are his needs. If you are home (a sahm) and you are able to hold him when he needs to be held, then hold him. If you need to do things, maybe you could consider a sling. or a front carrier if you don't like the sling, or a back carrier if you need to do things like cook, etc..<br><br>
I think babes need love and all we gotta do is love'em!<br><br>
hope this helps
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
322 Posts
Spoiling has nothing to do with holding, carrying, loving, ap, etc. A "spoiled child" comes from being inconsistent in the big ticket arena. For example, if you say to your child, "no, you can't have jelly beans" and then your dh follows right behind you and gives your child a handful of jelly beans you are sending a mixed message that confuses your child and lets him/her think that they can have whatever they want regardless of what anyone says.<br><br>
I'm not being very eloquent but I'm trying to say that a child that acts like a spoiled child is one that wasn't given consistent responses in situations where it was important to lay down a consistent message and stick with it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
920 Posts
<div style="margin:20px;margin-top:5px;">
<div class="smallfont" style="margin-bottom:2px;">Quote:</div>
<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">
<div>Originally Posted by <strong>loving-my-babies</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I don't think babies can be spoiled. period.</div>
</td>
</tr></table></div>
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/nod.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="nod"><br><br>
Yup ITA. My toddler is 3 this July. She is a hoot! When playing with other toddlers I have heard her say "No, *name*, don't push me, I don't like that!" She is loving and considerate and gentle. My parents adore her. Even so, when they observe me responding immediately to dd2, they have said "oh let her fuss, if you pick her up right away she'll get used to that!!". I said "what else am I doing right now? talking to you? this is my job!"<br><br>
Some stuff is so ingrained in some people!! Go with your heart. It won't steer you wrong.<br><br>
Jen
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,815 Posts
I agree with what the other posters have said...follow your heart, your child can't be spoiled & share the Continum Concept with whoever will read it.<br><br>
My daughter just turned 2 in May & I think both my mother & my in-laws hated what we were doing. They never directly said anything, but didn't like me holding her all the time, not giving bottles so they could feed her, co-sleeping, etc. However, she is now an awesome & fun toddler who loves her grandparents. I get many compliments on her personality & behavior, so I think they have been somewhat converted.<br><br>
There was also a post by Jan Hunt (great website BTW naturalchild.com) in the 'my parents hate ap' thread. <a href="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showpost.php?p=1631905&postcount=35" target="_blank">http://www.mothering.com/discussions...5&postcount=35</a>
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
5,233 Posts
Jan, thanks for posting that. It's a wonderful reminder of why we parent the way we parent, and that it really works. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/love.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="love">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
56 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Thanks to all of you for your responses. This is exactly what I needed. I do need to do some reading. Thanks for the recommendations! It will empower me. I will try to get my mother to read the same info. But she is not always the most open minded person though.<br><br>
Anyway I feel so much better now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,952 Posts
That self-soothing thing is a big hook, isn't it? It makes you feel like, if you comfort your baby, they will be deprived of learning a skill.<br><br>
I think that babies learn to self-soothe gradually. They begin to interact with their environments and to be able to stay interested in things over a long period. You don't have to neglect them when they cry in order to foster this skill. At least, not that I have observed! My son is gradually developing the ability to play with things without my intervention. You will see that your ds will start to be able to sit on the floor of the kitchen with a toy while you make dinner, as he is increasingly able to sit up alone, to crawl, etc.<br><br>
But at 6.5 months--unless he is a thumb-sucker, what needs can he meet on his own? I mean, really. How will he soothe himself if he is hungry, wet, tired? It's so illogical to tell moms to let babies cry in order to teach them to be more self-reliant. They <i>aren't</i> self-reliant, and making them distract themselves from real needs is cruel and unnecessary.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,610 Posts
No, you can't spoil them. I will also say that if my almost 3 yr old needs to be held, I'll hold him too (but probably on the couch, because he's pushing 40 lbs! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">). I'm certainly no expert at parenting, since I have only 1 child that's left infancy (and 3 isn't that old), but I think every minute of holding him as a baby paid off... he's a very affectionate child.<br><br>
Someone around here somewhere said it really well recently... if your 10 yr old woke up in the night crying, you'd go to her/him *immediately* and comfort him/her. If she/he was crying for some other reason--tired, hungry, in pain--you'd comfort him/her. So why does a helpless *baby* have to learn to self-soothe? I think children of all ages deserve to learn the lesson that if they need love, care, and attention, they will receive it promptly.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
243 Posts
I also now have a 2 year old that was held constantly and withme or DH 100 % of the time. Now I get great comments on his loving and caring personality and how much he loves spending time with others. When children have a sense of security they then can venture out and be confident that their Mama will be there always.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6,008 Posts
Ok, I think you have gotten enough "No, you can't spoil them" responses to get a feel for the general consensus here. But I don't think that is what you are asking, really.<br><br>
It sounds like what you are asking is whether it is normal/healthy for a 6 month old baby to want to be held <i>all</i> the time! I am here to tell you that, yes, they want to be held a lot.<br><br>
Babies are just starting enter separation/stranger anxiety. This usually coincides with some major developmental milestone. This makes good evolutionary sense, if you think about it. A baby that is learning to crawl has the physical capabilities to move away from Mother now. But the baby that wants to stay near Mother is more likely to survive than the baby that just keeps on going. They get a physical ability and are capable of more independance, but they don't have the mental maturity for it, so they are hard wired to feel insecure and want to be near Mother more.<br><br>
I understand how hard it is. My first was very high needs and needed to be held all the time. She was attached at my hip (I called her my velcro baby) until she was around 2. Then she started to be a little more independant. Now, at over 3, she can finally stand to play a by herself for a good chunk of time. She will even play in a different room from me on occasion.<br><br>
I hope this alleviates some of your anxiety.<br><br><br>
Bec
 
1 - 13 of 13 Posts
Top