[AlpineMama]

I'm not 100% sure what I'm trying to get at, but bear with me.

A lot of the times when I'm around other moms, even here on MDC, I hear a lot of "our kids are so ahead of the 'mainstream' kids, it must be the whole AP thing." When I bring up (politely) in conversations that we do AP but xyz still happens and our LO isn't ahead and ya da ya da, I get looked at askance, like I'm lying about AP.

I know that DS has special needs and that makes him, well, "special". The point isn't about comparing him to other kids, and I guess maybe I shouldn't even bring his qualities/abilities up in "regular" conversations. I guess what I'm trying to get at is that it hurts when AP parents sometimes assume that maybe I'm doing something "wrong" or "not living up to the standards" if my kid has SN.

Like, we could never get DS to breastfeed. Not for lack of trying. But I "must not have tried hard enough." He has also been really hard to parent to sleep - but THEIR co-sleepers didn't have those issues at all! Or I couldn't keep up with cloth diapers because he has around 10 stinky diapers a day, so we just use disposables. But I must not care about the chemicals on them or the environmental effects. Or whatever the case may be.

How can I stop being defensive? I know other people's opinions don't MATTER per se, but why do I have to feel like I have to justify myself as an AP parent? I do the best I can, so that's really all that should matter, right? Why can't I stop defending our choices when I know we're just different due to the SN status?

 

[williamsmommy2002]

You are still going through the greiving process. You are probably having a hard time coming to terms with those things yourself still. My first ds received formula pretty much daily until he was 18 months old. We tried and tried and he still nurses at 6. However he had a lot of trouble and we had to supplement. However I felt really bad about it for a long time even though I did all I could. The worst part is that in many ways you don't fit in any parenting camp. It's ok to be disappointed in not being able to parent the way you wanted to. Many of us avoid some on the other forums for those very reasons.

I just recently went back to post on some of the child forums. Both of mine are still very sn but a lot of times I read threads about kids a bit younger to look for advice or things to do. My kids still have some regular child interests and issues they are just sometimes more intensified.

 

[2bluefish]

I dunno - I think AP does give kids an advantage - even the special kids. I've been told time and time again by our therapists that Juju is so lucky to have us as parents and we are doing such a good job. I don't often pat myself on the back for that. It makes me sad to think that other parents aren't attached to their kids. Juju might not be "ahead" of other kids, but he is ahead of where he would be if I wasn't an attached parent.

Another thing I've learned is to focus on the point of it all - attachment. BFing, cosleeping, babywearing - those are things that facilitate attachment, but they aren't what makes attachment. You can have an attached kid without any of them. Yeah, I've had to let go of some things that were part of my parenting style and I've had to modify others, and it hurt. But I know that we've got what matters.

I don't know about conversations with parents of "regular" kids - I haven't got to the place where I can bear them yet. When required I grit my teeth and force myself to rejoice in the babies of others and grieve later.

 

[2boyzmama]

Here's my take on it. There is no "AP Checklist", no "entrance criteria" to be in the "AP club". No secret handshake, no password. Being an Attached Parent is all about responding to YOUR CHILD'S needs in the way that works best for your family. The key, in my opinion, is finding ways to meet your chidl's needs in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamics. Every child has different needs, and every family has a different dynamic.

For example...A local therapy dog training group was at the mall last weekend working with newly matched families. I stopped to talk to one of them and she said that the dog was an Autism dog. I noticed her son sitting in an umbrella stroller with sun glasses on and an IPod with head phones. He was certainly young enough that he could have been in a sling or backpack, but HIS NEEDS were to be in the secure stroller with the glasses and head phones. That mother was meeting his needs in a way that was unique to him, and she was certainly doing it with love. So anybody who thinks that you *must* baby wear to be an attached parent is very wrong.

My son was not able to cosleep for the first 6 months or so because of medical issues, so he was in a play pen next to my bed. Does that mean I'm not an attached mother? Is cosleeping a necessity? Nope. I met my child's needs, his needs just happened to be different than many babies'.

I could go on and on...the point is, you are an "attached parent", in my opinion, if you put your child's needs before your own in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamic. You recognize your child's individuality. You respect your child.

 

[sunflowers]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2bluefish I dunno - I think AP does give kids an advantage - even the special kids. I've been told time and time again by our therapists that Juju is so lucky to have us as parents and we are doing such a good job. I don't often pat myself on the back for that. It makes me sad to think that other parents aren't attached to their kids. Juju might not be "ahead" of other kids, but he is ahead of where he would be if I wasn't an attached parent.

I have also had this experience from therapists as well as family and friends. While I do not advertise myself as "attached", it certainly comes across in the way I respond to my child.
Now, those responses may not always be in line with "AP" as it's defined by some people- it is what my dd needs.

I've come to learn how to ignore people who talk out of their elbows

 

[HarperRose]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama I could go on and on...the point is, you are an "attached parent", in my opinion, if you put your child's needs before your own in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamic. You recognize your child's individuality. You respect your child.

Exactly.

 

[MeadowAndColtsMama]

Well, I was just wandering the boards and came across this thread. I hate that anyone is feeling bad about their parenting choices, especially those of you with sn little ones. I often feel kinda like a loser on some of these boards because I'm not organic, I'm kicking my 2.5 year old out of my bed cause she's making me nuts, I had an epidural...I could go on and on...but I try to remember I'm doing my best for my kids, one day at a time. So we shop at Walmart but I do breastfeed. I used disposables for the last 2 kids, but this time I'm going cloth. Whatever it is, don't let yourself get down. I'm inspired every time I read about one of your challenges that you are making the best of in life. I truly am. Mothering mag. and the boards just make me very proud of women. I just wanted to let you all know that. Keep up the awesome AP mamahood!

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[jewelsJZ]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama Here's my take on it. There is no "AP Checklist", no "entrance criteria" to be in the "AP club". No secret handshake, no password. Being an Attached Parent is all about responding to YOUR CHILD'S needs in the way that works best for your family. The key, in my opinion, is finding ways to meet your chidl's needs in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamics. Every child has different needs, and every family has a different dynamic.

Exactly!!!

 

[Lollybrat]

Quote:

Originally Posted by AlpineMama Like, we could never get DS to breastfeed. Not for lack of trying. But I "must not have tried hard enough."

I know what you mean.

My DS was unable to breastfeed due to his severe oral-motor issues. We really tried, to the point where his physical health and my emotional health were both at risk, but we just couldn't make it work. For a while, I pumped and DS had some formula and some breastmilk, but I was not able to maintain my supply with just pumping, so in the end DS was entirely on formula. We did what we called "attached bottlefeeding" (cuddling, staying engaged with DS during feedings, etc.) Still, I felt guilty about this for years. I felt like a failure - nursing is the most natural thing in the world, and I couldn't do it. The comments of other AP moms often contributed to these feelings.

When DS almost 3, his therapists and teachers strongly suggested that I teach him how to suck through a straw. They said it would strengthen his oral muscles and help regulate his sensory information. For six weeks DS and I spent every afternoon sitting on the kitchen floor working on drinking through a straw. It was an incredibly difficult task for both of us. One of those days when DS and I were both tearful, frustrated, and covered with milk, I suddenly realized that it was not my fault that breastfeeding hadn't worked. I finally realized that DS couldn't nurse for the same reason he couldn't suck through a straw. His oral muscles just didn't do what they were supposed to. It wasn't my fault. It wasn't his fault. It was just the way it was. And on that day, I finally let go of the feelings of guilt and failure. It was a huge weight lifted off me.

As for the rest of AP, I agree with the others that there is no list of what makes a parent AP or not. The important thing is doing what is best for your child's needs.

And I do think that the AP stuff we did helped our son immensely. When DS was diagnosed with autism, some relatives and friends (who do not AP) said things like, "What a shame you wasted all the effort to do attachment parenting and then your son ended up with autism." But I don't think any of it was a wasted effort. DS is very attached to and affectionate with us and I think AP has a lot to do with that.

 

[christinelin]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lollybrat And I do think that the AP stuff we did helped our son immensely. When DS was diagnosed with autism, some relatives and friends (who do not AP) said things like, "What a shame you wasted all the effort to do attachment parenting and then your son ended up with autism." But I don't think any of it was a wasted effort. DS is very attached to and affectionate with us and I think AP has a lot to do with that.

I totally agree with this.

I have wondered a lot if being an AP-ish parent made my son's issues harder to recognize. He nursed past 5, and in retrospect, I think it was the way he coped with sensory issues. As he cut back on nursing, his sensory issues have increased. He was also in a sling constantly for 2 years or so and I speculate that that helped with vestibular stimulation.

I was also pretty focused on accepting him as who he was -- which I thought was a sensitive, introverted little guy. Once he was diagnosed, it became clear that the Aspergers better explained so many things.

I continue to feel guilty and sad that I didn't figure out what was happening earlier, but I feel good about what I gave him in the meantime.

 

[ShadowLark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lollybrat I know what you mean. When DS almost 3, his therapists and teachers strongly suggested that I teach him how to suck through a straw. They said it would strengthen his oral muscles and help regulate his sensory information. .

Are you serious? That is AWESOME!!!!!! Brendon has been on a straw cup since he was about seventeen months old - I switched from a regular sippy because all the "experts" say that regular sippy cups are no better than bottles. This was WAY before we knew he had SN.
Here I've been groping for OT, and he found some on his own! WOW! Thank you!

 

[ShadowLark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by christinelin I totally agree with this. I have wondered a lot if being an AP-ish parent made my son's issues harder to recognize. He nursed past 5, and in retrospect, I think it was the way he coped with sensory issues. As he cut back on nursing, his sensory issues have increased. He was also in a sling constantly for 2 years or so and I speculate that that helped with vestibular stimulation. I was also pretty focused on accepting him as who he was -- which I thought was a sensitive, introverted little guy. Once he was diagnosed, it became clear that the Aspergers better explained so many things. I continue to feel guilty and sad that I didn't figure out what was happening earlier, but I feel good about what I gave him in the meantime.

Don't feel guilty - you showed him he was loved. What's to feel guilty about?
And I thought Aspergers = introverted and sensitive. By loving him anyway, you gave him more tools than any therapist ever could to build love with others as he gets older.

 

[ShadowLark]

Quote:

Originally Posted by 2boyzmama Here's my take on it. There is no "AP Checklist", no "entrance criteria" to be in the "AP club". No secret handshake, no password. Being an Attached Parent is all about responding to YOUR CHILD'S needs in the way that works best for your family. The key, in my opinion, is finding ways to meet your chidl's needs in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamics. Every child has different needs, and every family has a different dynamic. For example...A local therapy dog training group was at the mall last weekend working with newly matched families. I stopped to talk to one of them and she said that the dog was an Autism dog. I noticed her son sitting in an umbrella stroller with sun glasses on and an IPod with head phones. He was certainly young enough that he could have been in a sling or backpack, but HIS NEEDS were to be in the secure stroller with the glasses and head phones. That mother was meeting his needs in a way that was unique to him, and she was certainly doing it with love. So anybody who thinks that you *must* baby wear to be an attached parent is very wrong. My son was not able to cosleep for the first 6 months or so because of medical issues, so he was in a play pen next to my bed. Does that mean I'm not an attached mother? Is cosleeping a necessity? Nope. I met my child's needs, his needs just happened to be different than many babies'. I could go on and on...the point is, you are an "attached parent", in my opinion, if you put your child's needs before your own in a way that is harmonious to your family dynamic. You recognize your child's individuality. You respect your child.

Actually, that's still co sleeping. I just wish I could convince my daughter of that, but I know once I do, I'll miss snuggling her in my bed!
Yesterday she snuggled me instead of nursing a few times. She still nurses like crazy, but she's learning alternatives, and I know it will break my heart when she weans.