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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi mamas,

I am single and unexpectedly pregnant at 37 with my second, after a miscarriage earlier this year. I am due March 26th. My fabulous son is 10. I am a special education teacher in a very rural community with just a few close friends and a nasty ex-husband, truly living in a fishbowl! The sperm donor is an ex-boyfriend with whom I had a brief encounter last month, and whom I would NOT welcome in my life or my family's...I have wanted another child for awhile, so this must have been meant to be! My dilemmas are several, as you might expect.....added to which is that I have recently begun seeing a man (who has had a vasectomy but with whom I have already discussed having kids another way!) who might not take too well to the idea of dating a woman pregnant by someone else. I am nervous to tell him about my pregnancy. If he doesn't want to deal, that's fine because I am flooded with maternal hormones right now and feel kind of like I just want to be a mom, not a lover anyway. I have read all of your reasons for loving being single mothers, and I agree, since I have been divorced for 4 years. The long term outcome of having two children and being able to move with this baby after my older child has "flown the coop" WHEREVER we want to go is enticing! Not having a dad involved is, too, although I struggle with the morality of keeping this information from the birth dad. Lots of questions in my mind....

SO I am juggling.....public scrutiny as a single professional pregnant older mother in a small town and public job and possibly totally single, versus the joy of growing the family I have wanted, albeit in an unorthodox way! I have resources - great salary, good car, my own house - but I did want to have a baby with the right man. This just isn't what I dreamed of, but then, I am trying to see this pregnancy as a gift and a message that I need to heed. Any words of wisdom and support will be greatly appreciated as I begin this journey!

Inside, I am THRILLED!!!!!!!!!!! And of course dusting off my name lists:
girl - Eva, Emma, Zoe, Sophie
Boy - Samuel, Sawyer, Ezekiel, Truman

I would really appreciate words of insight from other women who may be going through or have gone through a similar situation.
 

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Congratulations!


How wonderful that you're not waiting for anyone else to create the life you want. Your children (including unborn) are lucky to have such a happy and confident mommy.
 

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: guess im in a somewhat similar situation here. i dont have a living child, i lost my son raven at 39wks preg on 10/04/04. was quite a bit to go through! raven's father was well meaning, but had severe alcoholic issues that i didnt know the extent of until i was pregnant - hadnt been together very long, and we were one of the very small percentages of the condom didnt work! anyway, i've always wanted to meet someone that i love, have time to really be together, then start a family ... guess that's not how life is to be for me!!!
after all that, realized i wanted to seriously start dating again, ended up doing the internet dating deal cuz i live in a college town with a bunch of husker football fanatics and not feeling like im gonna meet that certain someone here ... met someone who lives in alabama. talked extensively (i thought) for quite a while, seemed to be going quite well. but i had to come to terms with the fact that he believed he was unable to have children - long story, but believable one - and that was difficult for me as i want to have a small family, but figured if he was the right guy, there were other options to starting a family. anyway, he came to visit at the beginning of the year, and we seemed to still hit it off quite well, in fact there was talk of him moving here -- i own a home and have a good job, he wasnt thrilled with living in alabama, was going to school not making enough to live on really and could always transfer credits -- and the city i live in seemed more "palatable" to him. so we keep talking and emailing, and then i notice that im late ... then later ... hmmmm. yep, pregnant!!!!
so anyway, he seemed a bit excited at first but the more we talk about him moving here sooner the more roadblocks he seems to be concocting and i try to tell myself well, this has to be a lot for him to deal with cuz he's believed for the last 15yrs that he was never going to have children, and now look ... i can be good at making excuses for jerky men.
well, he got here in march, lasted all of 3wks, in which time it became obvious that he was a whiney, lazy, ALCOHOLIC!!!!!!!!!!!!, non communicative, blame everything on everyone else kinda guy, so then he was gone again (dont trust a man that only has mean things to say about his mom). havent heard a peep from him since.
i have similar feelings as far as how involved to i try to make him be? dont want him to have an active part in the lil guy's life but think he should still be responsible in some way. was gonna just ignore him and hope for the best but i'm not the type to leave things hanging that may bite me in the butt later
: found out in nebraska if i dont put him on the b-cert, he has 7days to step forward and show he wants to be a parent, if not, he loses all parental rights but is still responsible for cs. i just want my son to have what he needs. i soooo wish there was a dad in the picture cuz what am i gonna tell him? even tho the sperm donor is a jerk i dont want to tell ds that! and here i am once again doin this alone cuz apparently the universe has other designs on my motherhood, and who am i to question? so im not bitter towards my son at all! i will love him dearly, just feel bad in a way that he'll only have one parent ... its not what i envisioned.
then again......there's so many beautful, strong, good, healthy, happy single mamas out there!!!

i've rambled way to long,
just wanted you to know you're not the only one out there with some big decisions to make on the behalf of a new lil one on the way
:
best wishes to ya!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Wow, Jen, thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like we are having the chance to have our children, despite their fathers! It also sounds like it's good for you and little Felix(?) that he won't be around. Don't you HATE when you meet someone online and you get to know them that way and via phone and a visit or 2, then think you know them only to realize that they ARE whiny, needy, alcoholics with false stories. I am seriously thinking that even though it's an easy way to initialy find someone, the internet is not how I am going to meet the love of my life. I have been through similar relationships and am glad to have gotten out. Sigh. I do alot of sighing!

The man I started seeing a month ago doesn't know I'm pregnant yet. We got along GREAT until last weekend, we had a minor misunderstanding and he got extremely immature, acted like a martyr, put words in my mouth, and was ready to call off the whole visit! My inclination is to talk and come to a better place and see conflict as an opportunity to learn. I told him that, and he says he is just damaged from his past relationships. OBVIOUSLY. So he just called and asked me NOT to visit this weekend because he is still sore from last, and wants to just be alone. Geez. Maybe I should just end it now, not ever tell him about the babe, and move on into my mamaness, sans sex and sans a man. Sounds really good to me right now. Things happen for a reason, and if he and I can't even talk about a simple misunderstanding and both make an effort to come together and take care of our new relationship, I'm not sure I want to be part of it!

Thanks for letting me vent this breaking news! Now I get to finish my summer school day and drive my son up to meet his grandmother (my ex MIL), then home for a peaceful weekend. I have to sew a bridesmaid's dress for my brother's wedding in a month - thank goodness I waited, because now I am making it bigger in anticipating that I'll look like I put on a few pounds


Keep going mamas!

Laurie
 

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First of all, what ever you decide, you can do this. Follow your heart and then make it happen.
I understand what you meant when you described living in a fishbowl. I moved to a very rural
area while I was pregnant. I am the first woman on either side of my family to have a child
and not be married. The usual protocol for a single/pregnant woman in my family is to rush to
the altar. I didn't want to be married. I wanted to wait until dd was a few months old see where
the relationship went, (we had dated serious a few years, took a break, and got pregnant within
a month of getting back together) then maybe marriage. Dd's dad took this as a slap in the face
and became a very rude man.

My point is I knew I wanted my baby. I wanted to do this with her father but that wasn't a
option any longer. Many members of my family, and people along the way have looked down
on the not being married/prepared when I became pregnant. I stick out my tongue and think to
myself "How sad it is that they can't see the beauty and love in my life".

The largest lesson I have learned while being a single Mama is that all I can do is MY BEST. I
can't waste my energy on other people's actions and judgement on me. My dd's dad cut off
communication with us when dd had shortly turned 4. She is 6 now, and doing great (for the
most part, she's a spirited handful, but she is happy). She is the brightest light in my life. I
have no regrets, because I followed my heart, and my heart didn't let me down. (never has).

This group of women, in this forum, have given me a shoulder to cry on, have celebrated my
happiness, and have allowed me to vent. Plus a couple of times they have given me the kick in
the ass I needed.


I wish you the very best. Never doubt your abilities, follow your instincts, and vent here when
you feel low. YOU CAN DO THIS, with beauty and grace. God Bless.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you so much for your story and your encouraging words, and your reminder to follow my instincts. I truly feel that this baby is a blessing and I will be prepared for her/him. My older son is away visiting his dad's family for 10 days and I have some time to myself! Today I pulled out my maternity and baby clothes from the last pregnancy (that miscarried), and started de-cluttering. I feel all about my mothering right now and it feels good, despite the unorthodoxy of it all. I am less worried about that now and think my strength will come through to people who love us.

Congratulations on your fabulous daughter!

Laurie
 
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