Mothering Forum banner
1 - 20 of 26 Posts

· Registered
Joined
·
832 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
me and dh are totally in love. perfect couple with a baby to everyone who knows us. but there are so many differences in what we like to do. he likes nature and everything organic, cooking, staying at home etc.....i on the other hand like going out, hate cooking, dont much care about organic stuff, adore shopping (which he hates). so there are fights
many times i convince myself i actully like nature, cooking, care for health etc and then our life is paradise. but soon i start missing my real likes and it all starts again...
how do you handle this? thanx for your support.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
16,194 Posts
My dh likes to tell people, "we got love in common." (That's a line from a song.) I know it can be tough, but try to focus on your similarities, too. And try to hear each other out (why is organic so important to him, for example.)
 

· Registered
Joined
·
1,831 Posts
We have been married for 10 yrs, together for 12, and we are VERY different. Generally we dont fight about it, we just appreciate our differences. Sometimes it is hard, but we work through it. Dh pointed out the other day that we meet on 3 out of 4 points, emotionally, spiritually and physically. The only place we dont meet would be intellectually. I enjoy sitting down and having deep discussions about books, issues...etc. (I used to have a great group of friends and we would spend hours talking, yelling, pretending to whack each other on the head when we disagreed...I miss that) Dh is an incredibly brilliant man, but he does not enjoy reading, and as he says, likes the simple things.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
433 Posts
wow - i wish my dh was more into health, cooking, nature, etc... that's me and he's hard to convince and much more mainstream. we love each other and we are trying hard to learn how to appreciate each other's values and thoughts when they dont match the other spouses. its hard but because the love is there, i think we'll be ok.

xoox
 

· Registered
Joined
·
832 Posts
Discussion Starter · #5 ·
thank you so much for all your replies...
i feel so much support here on mothering. you are my true freinds...
:
unfortunatly as there were so many fights in the beginning, everytime i try to discuss something dh gets angry and cuts it...
he is not much of a type who would accept the differences. he sees his points of view as the rightest (maybe they are
) and gets angry if i want to do or think different. he gets angry basically for me, because he cares a lot, so he thinks if i do something not like he thinks is right, i will hurt myself. but i constantly feel that i am not free to live my life as i want and always dominated.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
433 Posts
i think that my husband feels like you do.
i worry about his eating habits and other habits that i feel are not good for his body... and i get upset and 'harp' i guess.
i get upset when i want the girls to be parented a certain way - natural, less noise, media, good foods, etc. - and he just wants to have fun with them.

to me these things are very important... to him they are minor. we had a huge arguement over organic/non organic milk not so long ago - to him it was crazy, just milk... to me, it's my children's health.

hard but we're trying.
you'll be ok too.
xoxoxo
 

· Registered
Joined
·
14,823 Posts
Often it can feel like we are. I am the more nature oriented person, I am more inclined to peaceful resolutions and avoiding judgements, etc. Dh was raised in a environment that did not value or encourage the things I happen to value very much. So it gets wierd sometimes, and adding in raising kids can make it more so.

But we have been married for 10 years next month. We really love one another, and he is a kind man devoted to his family. We try to work from a place of respect. It's not always easy, but it's always honest.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
15,997 Posts
are there ways you can bring your intrest together? this is a lame example but things like shopping for organic stuff? finding good resteraunts that are environmentally conscience?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
832 Posts
Discussion Starter · #10 ·
actually he hates retaurants....
molls, going out to have fun etc...just like estraton said, i want to have fun when he is raising his child in healthiest way possible....
he makes our own bread, sourcraud, kvass (russian homemade drink), he cooks all natural all the time, encourage us to have sports, spend most of time in nature....but i love fun so much..
and all that extra caring makes our life complicated and hard. i also dont eat junk etc anymore and believe that is how it should be. i was the one who encouraged non-vax, cd, homebirth...but i just want us to enjoy "this" life more. we dont buy anything from the supermarket cause it has stuff in it. poeple enjoy going out and buy icecream which we can't eat...
do i sound stupid and superficial?
 

· Registered
Joined
·
15,997 Posts
I wouldn't say stupid and superficial but if you want him to come around you have to at least emet him in the middle. what he be willing to bend on? what would you be willingto bend on?

i tend to think your husbands ideal of fun sounds ideal but the important thing is that the two of you find something that works for you.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
13,500 Posts
I think that the pps have good suggestions. Dh and I am very alike in some ways and very very different in others.

We have identical sick senses of humor, and political feelings.

But...he is very egocentric. I hate people who are superficial and think that the world revolves around them. But dh claims that he is the best human alive and that he doesn't care about anything that doesn't directly affect him. He is a very apathetic atheist. I on the other hand am way way too empathetic and care about everything. I cry thinking about starving children, I become heavily involved in matters of breastfeeding, vaccinations, conspiracies, and world health. Dh could care less. He would also eat nothing but beef, cheese, and fruit rollups if I didn't cook. I am an ovo-vegetarian who tries to eat all organic.

I grew up severely poor and in many bad circumstances that I could easily be an angry b#%($ all the time about. But I'm not. Dh is. And he had an awesome life growing up-nothing to complain about.

We were best friends for years before getting together. We don't do as hot living together and dealing with finances when he likes to spend all the money on CDs and steaks and I want the kids to eat.

I think that the one thing that keeps us together is that he is smart enough to always concede to my side of the issues.
He lets me be in charge of everything, and trusts me to make the decisions on bf and vaxing and even backs me up to his mom and the doctor! I, in turn, try to ignore him when he plays guitar for hours a day in the bedroom.

It's all about compromises.
 

· Premium Member
Joined
·
13,500 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ekatherina
actually he hates retaurants....
molls, going out to have fun etc...just like estraton said, i want to have fun when he is raising his child in healthiest way possible....
he makes our own bread, sourcraud, kvass (russian homemade drink), he cooks all natural all the time, encourage us to have sports, spend most of time in nature....but i love fun so much..
and all that extra caring makes our life complicated and hard. i also dont eat junk etc anymore and believe that is how it should be. i was the one who encouraged non-vax, cd, homebirth...but i just want us to enjoy "this" life more. we dont buy anything from the supermarket cause it has stuff in it. poeple enjoy going out and buy icecream which we can't eat...
do i sound stupid and superficial?
Wanna trade husbands?

:
:
:

NO! Totally kidding. You don't sound stupid. But surely there's a way to meet in the middle and have it both ways? Maybe plan an outside party with your dh's cooking, and you plan the guest list and the cocktails? That could be fun.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
15,997 Posts
at the very least ech of you should be willing to indulge the other while haveing a good attiatude. if you can't meet in the midle and find some common ground perhaps once a week you can meet him in the kitche to cook and then go for a hike after super as a family. in exchange once a week you guys can go out to eat and do a little shopping. all with a good attitude and a smale on your face.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,767 Posts
Ekatherina, I don't know if this thread applies to you, but thought I'd post it anyway:
http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=420138

It's not that my DH and I are too different, it's that we are culturally different and we work around that. I'm very grateful that my DH likes to cook, as I do not. He cooks, I clean up. I too love being out and about, and he is a homebody. In the summer, I go to baseball games with girlfriends and as a couple we go out about once a month for a nice dinner. On the flip side, I just got back from camping with him, and we actually had a blast. (I actually got him to eat a roasted marshmallow.
) Shopping I do mostly on my own, which I enjoy the time to myself. DH does do most of the grocery shopping, though.

I think that with love there also needs to be respect for the differences.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
12,879 Posts
Opposites attract.

Dh and I are opposites but it makes for things to talk about, he talk about his interests and I talk about mine.

We have also learned to take interest in the other activities.

Marriage is giving 90% and taking 10%.

Dh loves to cook and I don't.

Over the years I have found my interests changing a bit as has dh

We are in
:
 

· Registered
Joined
·
6,198 Posts
Marriage takes a lot of give and take and a lot of compromise. It took me the first 5 years of my marriage to figure that out. I'd say give it some time and the talk over things when they come up and both of you try to compromise and do what the other person likes to do from time to time. Just give it time and it will all just mesh and work out eventually and you'll see that your love for one another is more important than food you decide to eat and whether it came from your fridge or mcdonalds.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
832 Posts
Discussion Starter · #18 ·
thankx a lot everyone! reading your posts makes me feel better so much. yes you are right it is not so important where and what we eat to argue about, but when ds didnt sleep the whole night and all the experiments failed and your house is a mess you get into "what about my life?" mood.

Danielle, i guess our situations are similar...
do you have a baby?
we also agreed he cooks i clean, but sometimes i come from work so tired and is with the baby, so i just dont have energy to clean. so it seems that i am failing in my task...
 

· Registered
Joined
·
5,829 Posts
I wouldn't say we're 'too different'.

I am very emotional, he is very analytical.
I am a middle child, he is the eldest.
I like to get along, he enjoys a good fight.
I am cautious and careful, he is reckless and adventurous.
I like to stay at home, he likes to not be at home.
I am silly and like to make jokes, he is serious.
I am compromising, he is stubborn.
I am financially responsible, he is an impulsive spender.
I like security, he likes risk.
I am calm, he is high-strung and has ADD
I like nature, peace, quiet, he likes action, adrenaline and ... quiet..
I like eating healthy, he likes eating junk, drinking lattes, and smoking cigarettes.

hmmm, I guess we are really different. I never wrote a list before, and I'm sure I probably missed something. We've been together since June 2004. We've been married since December 2004.
 

· Registered
Joined
·
3,767 Posts
Quote:

Originally Posted by Ekatherina
Danielle, i guess our situations are similar...
do you have a baby?
we also agreed he cooks i clean, but sometimes i come from work so tired and is with the baby, so i just dont have energy to clean. so it seems that i am failing in my task...

We are still TTC.

Dishes get done one way or another, I am committed to a clean kitchen-but that's were it ends. We both have VERY demanding, high stress jobs. As for other household chores...whoever gets to it first. Only time I stress about the state of our home, is when company is coming to stay. Otherwise, there's just not enough hours in the day.

I used to stress about having a clean house. It's just the two of us, I should be able to keep up. But then I realized that spending time with him is more important to me than a mopped floor.

having said that, DH leaves Sunday for a week long business trip, so I'll probably clean the house.
 
1 - 20 of 26 Posts
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top