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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
The man is making me crazy. He keeps throwing this "1 in 100" or "1 in 1000" chance of something going wrong at me.<br><br>
Here's his latest <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"><br><br>
(I forwarded him an e-mail this morning from my friend who had a homebirth with a reluctant husband -- who also happens to be a surgeon and is now totally pro-homebirth -- about how positive their experience was.)<br><br>
----<br><br>
I have to edit to take out DH's e-mail (since I don't feel like asking his permission to post it right now and I don't want to violate MDC's policy)<br><br><br>
Summary:<br><br>
He's stuck on a "one in 100" or "one in 1,000" chance (his random numbers) that there will be a need for an immediate intervention that can only be provided in a hospital.<br><br>
he thinks the time it would take to transport from our house to the hospital (15-20 min away) might be critical minutes for the health of our baby and/or me.<br><br>
He thinks I had a good hospital birth (I did...I just think a homebirth would be better) and that a safe birth is more important than a pleasant birth.<br><br>
---<br><br>
This is what I feel like...<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/banghead.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="banghead"><br><br>
I don't know what to write back except....once again saying....<br><br>
That he *NEEDS* to at least come have an initial interview with me...ask his questions...and hear about the emergency situations the midwives have handled because I can't respond to this "what if" "one in one thousand" stuff anymore. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"> The midwife I want him to meet has caught over 500 babies for crying out loud.<br><br>
He's a wonderful, loving husband and great father. He's not trying to be difficult. He JUST DOESN'T GET IT!!!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><br><br>
I totally gave in to him last time (and he's right...my hospital birth was great...I just think it will be even better at home) but I'm not willing to give it up this time around.<br><br>
~Erin<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Spend some time surfing and find some REALLY awful hospital birth stories. You know the ones- the ones that are really a rape as the woman is cut and such against her will. Have him read those.<br><br>
Find stats of hospital CAUSED infection. (some huge percentage of deaths in the hospital are CAUSED by the hospital)<br><br>
Get a copy of Henci Goer's Obstetric Myth vs. Research Reality. Make him come up with SPECIFICALLY what he is worried will go wrong. Look it up in the book.<br><br>
good luck!<br><br>
-Angela
 

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I think meeting with a midwife who will answer his questions will be very helpful.<br><br>
Keep throwing the stats at him. It is PROVEN that homebirth is SAFER than hospital birth. The "what-ifs" he keeps talking about are MORE LIKELY to happen in the hospital because of the environment and procedures employed by the hospital.<br><br>
Show him this recent BMJ study about homebirth safety.<br><br><a href="http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/content/full/330/7505/1416?ehom_" target="_blank">http://bmj.bmjjournals.com/cgi/conte...505/1416?ehom_</a><br><br>
If that doesn't work, let him know that while his feelings and his role in the birth is VERY important, his JOB is to support YOU. You are making a choice that is very safe and wise, so don't feel bad if he doesn't feel the same. The EVIDENCE supports you. If he can't get past those what-ifs, it's his problem.<br><br>
I hope he comes around before the birth, but if for whatever reason he doesn't, he will finally GET IT once he's witnessed the homebirth of your baby.<br><br>
Good luck and keep us updated!
 

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I agree with the above posters.<br><br>
I would get him to make a list of exactaly what he is afraid will happen and then discuss the issues seperately. Maybe when you talk specifically you can reassure him that you have considered those issues and how you came up with your ideas(as in your own statistics that you have read) It sounds like he can be reassured with numbers.<br><br>
Good luck mama!
 

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I gave DH tons of articles etc. but it wasn't until meeting our MW that he came to be at ease with HB...and now he is a HUGE HB activist. You should hear him talk about it, it really is amazing he has done a complete and utter 180 degree turn around.<br><br>
DH is a big list person, so when we met with the MW he had a pad and paper and asked all of the "What if..." questions, and he admitted afterwards that he had been so clueless about childbirth in general (then again this is our first...you guys already have experience...) Our MW has such a calm, confident demeanor about her and she was able to explain what happens in each of the scenarios he mentioned, and he was most satisfied with her answers.<br><br>
So as PP's have mentioned, a face-to-face meeting with a MW would probably help tremendously. Good luck to you, mama!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks mamas!!<br><br>
I think my response is basically that whether he comes in kicking and screaming or under his own free will...<i>out of respect for me</i> he has to at least come meet the midwife and hear what she has to say, ask his questions etc.<br><br>
It's just so not fair for his fear of the undefined "what if something goes wrong" to prevent me from having the birth I want and that I know is a safe option!
 

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I think all of the above posts are accurate and dead on....I would remind your dh though that obstetrical emergencies persay normally do not happen in an instant they usually are something that any well trained midwife can see a mile away and can normally catch early enough to reccomend a transfer. If he wants to talk rare life and death moment to moment situations remind him that even in the hospital NOTHING can happen in a matter of seconds. If you were in a L&D room and as horrible as it is to think of had a baby who had a dangerously low to no heartbeat it is not like they will slice you open at the bedside....you HAVE to get to an OR, you HAVE to get a Dr, and you HAVE to be sedated....all of which take time. To be honest if there was an emergency of that nature at home, someone could be on the phone with the hospital and they could be prepping things while you transport in.<br><br>
As far as emergencies with the babe....any good and expereinced midwife will most likly have neonatal recusitation equiptment or ATLEAST be CPR certified (as we all should be parents too I might add) and can hold a babe over or assist the baby until help can get there or until you could get it to the hospital.<br><br>
I know for men it can be scary....they worry about the technical aspects of things and can be overwhelmed with the unknown, but you need to show him how much faith you have in your body and in yourself to birth this baby the BEST way you know how.<br><br>
Alicia
 

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HUGS<br><br>
Except for the part about your first hospital experience being good, that sounds a bit like my DH. Well, he hasn't actually come out and said it, but I believe it's what he's thinking. I think the previous posters have posted some great advice. I hope you are able to convince/drag your dh to a midwife appointment with you so that he can express his concerns and she can help alleviate them. I'd love to hear an update when you have one. Good luck!
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> You're right, he does need to go with you to talk to the midwife. Also, has he done any research at all on this topic? Anything to back up what he's saying? You could try telling him that until he puts in the research that you have and can show you hard facts for what he's talking about you will take what he has to say with a grain of salt. Ask him why he's so willing to put your health and well being as well as your baby's at risk by going to the hospital. Heck, show him the thread about germs that was shown on 20/20, that should be enough to creep him out some.<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/winky.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Wink"> Yes, you had a good experience last time, so did I in fact. But the way I'm looking at it and I think you are too is why take the chance this time? Who's to say that you'll have as good of an experience this time. Who's to say you won't get stuck with Nurse Ratchet or some scalpel happy OB on call. Why should you put your body at risk? Luck doesn't last forever.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>alegna</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"><br><br>
Spend some time surfing and find some REALLY awful hospital birth stories. You know the ones- the ones that are really a rape as the woman is cut and such against her will. Have him read those.</div>
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<br>
If you want, I can PM you the link to a negative birth experience board, those poor women have stories that will make your hair stand on end. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad"><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/greensad.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="greensad">
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br>
My dh was like that almost 7 years ago. Our first was a hospital birth. It was scary enought that he was willing to give homebirth a try. After that experience he thinks EVERYONE should birth at home.<br><br>
Now if we had another baby we might go unassisted. He has come a long ways.<br><br>
I hope he comes around and I hope that after you wonderful homebirth that he will be singing about how wonderful homebirth is and how YOU WERE RIGHT <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1">
 

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Ask him to produce the statistics to prove that mortality/morbidity rates are higher for planned homebirths than planned hospital births. Failing that, get him to produce the statistics that say that they're higher for ANY homebirth than ANY hospital birth. (Hint-the first is impossible, the second would depend upon him finding the right survey but is pretty hard- also, they include large numbers of BBAs and premature babies.)<br>
The worst case scenario for a homebirth is that baby dies. Generally, there's time to get the mother to the hospital in cases of extreme blood loss, etc.<br>
The worst case scenario for a hospital birth is that baby and mother both die, quickly, on an operating theatre table whilst removed from him during an operation that was performed for fear of litigation rather than clinical need. US hospitals have blanket consent forms, as I understand: once you're in there, they can do what they like to you, because the presumption is that by admission you have agreed for the doctors to make the decisions for you. This, I think, is the key issue: that he would choose to allow someone other than you to make decisions for you at one of the most critical moments of your life. By pulling out the "what if" statistics, he is trying to force you into abdicating responsibility. I'd see if you can access ALL the paperwork and consent forms for the hospital (or copies of it- make him see what you'd be expected to sign) and then talk to your midwife.<br>
Here's a story for you to send back to him:<br><a href="http://www.a-little-wish.org.uk/www.a-little-wish.org.uk/Pers%20Acc/PPH/anna%202005.htm" target="_blank">http://www.a-little-wish.org.uk/www....nna%202005.htm</a>
 

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Walk in the door of a hospital in labor and you have something like a 1 in 4 chance of ending up on the operating table (greater in some places, less in others).<br><br>
I'll take the 1 in 100 and 1 in a 1000 odds over that any day.<br><br>
Christa
 

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My husband had the same concern, as we are just as far from the closest hospital.<br><br>
He went with me to the first meeting with the midwife and she totally calmed his fears.<br>
He was a firefighter/EMT...he knows how medical emergency calls are handled and what needs to be there, etc<br>
She told him what equiptment she has at the house with her, in case it is needed.<br>
And she told him that, honestly, it takes the hospital about 25-30 minutes to set up for surgery or other emergency stuff anyhow.<br>
She said her policy is to call the hospital before leaving so they know you are on your way and what to expect and what needs to be set up.<br><br>
That was what dh needed to hear. That it wasn't going to be a fend for yourself situation in an emergency.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
just wanted to pop in with a quick update...<br><br>
he's doing research!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"><br><br>
we had a storm here last night...no power (no tv and computer to distract us) so we just sat and talked....ok i rubbed his shoulders while we talked...always helps him to be more receptive to hearing my ideas! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"><br><br>
it was great! the first time we've talked about it without it being tense and fight-like.<br><br>
and today he's been e-mailing about the research he's doing. he found the bmj report on his own and said he thinks it's really well done and objective!
 

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I have to say I disagree with the tactics of "bribing him" or "forcing him" into homebirth. By bribing I mean bombarding him with awful hospital births. The fact is he has already been to one really great hospital birth. I personally think the better way to go about it would be to show him POSITIVE stories and statistics regarding homebirths. You don't want him to feel like he is taking the better of the two evils. You want him onboard with idea, not grumbling the whole time. And forcing him to do it is just going to cause a rift.<br><br>
Research on his part is a great way to help him realise how much safer it is. There are some fabulous articles out there. I just can't get to the links right now. Also maybe consider finding some BTDT homebirth daddies for him to talk to.<br><br>
He is (or should be) your biggest strength and biggest supporter. Be honest with him. Let him be honest with you, have him share his concerns. Don't refute them immediately. This way he can see that you are listening to him. Tell him you will provide him the the statistics,answers, or whatever to his concerns. Also tell him that the midwife will be able to answer his questions better then you.<br><br>
JMHO<br>
CM
 

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Well, a friend of mine just had a hospital birth and her experience would have me in therapy- no kidding.<br><br>
My dh was slow to come around, but after I gave him all the info I asked him to meet the midwife... that settled his mind as much as anything. To realize she was a normal person who has training for neonatal rescucitation and WILL transport if the parents feel the need, no questions asked blah blah.<br><br>
He's totally on the bandwagon now. I hope your dh will be too! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/fingersx.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="fingersx">: <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
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<table border="0" cellpadding="6" cellspacing="0" width="99%"><tr><td class="alt2" style="border:1px inset;">I have to say I disagree with the tactics of "bribing him" or "forcing him" into homebirth. By bribing I mean bombarding him with awful hospital births. The fact is he has already been to one really great hospital birth. I personally think the better way to go about it would be to show him POSITIVE stories and statistics regarding homebirths. You don't want him to feel like he is taking the better of the two evils. You want him onboard with idea, not grumbling the whole time. And forcing him to do it is just going to cause a rift.<br><br>
Research on his part is a great way to help him realise how much safer it is. There are some fabulous articles out there. I just can't get to the links right now. Also maybe consider finding some BTDT homebirth daddies for him to talk to.<br><br>
He is (or should be) your biggest strength and biggest supporter. Be honest with him. Let him be honest with you, have him share his concerns. Don't refute them immediately. This way he can see that you are listening to him. Tell him you will provide him the the statistics,answers, or whatever to his concerns. Also tell him that the midwife will be able to answer his questions better then you.<br><br>
JMHO<br>
CM</td>
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I agree. No bribing going on here (well unless you count shoulder rubs <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/wink1.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="wink1"> )!! That was the great thing about our conversation last night. We both spoke from our heart. I explained why I really desire a homebirth (which really has nothing to do with hospital horror stories -- I had a great, natural birth in a hospital with DD) and so much more with what resonates with me and just feels SO right.<br><br>
He spoke from his heart about his fears and I didn't try to refute them....just listened and validated that he is scared about my safety and the safety of our baby.<br><br>
We talked a lot about how it's hard to make parenting decisions that our outside of the mainstream (not that that stops us <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/upsidedown.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="upsidedown"> ) because there is always a perceived "risk" that if something happens, we will be blamed (whether directly or "behind our backs") by family/friends/co-workers etc. (ie...a child has a serious vaccine reaction....terrible accident, poor parents....an unvaxed child becomes ill with a vaccine-preventable disease...parents were neglectful/stupid etc.)<br><br>
It was a really great conversation! Lots of growth on both of our parts!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up">
 

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Nah!! I won't count shoulder rubs as bribing!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> I'm glad you were able to talk. It's always helpful and calming when as a couple you can sit and rationally discuss things!<br><br>
Here's wishing you more heart to hearts with your Dh... Hopefully you will be able to come to an understanding and he will feel more comfortable about HB!<br><br>
Good luck<br><br>
CM
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>WeRCrunchy</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Nah!! I won't count shoulder rubs as bribing!! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/thumb.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="thumbs up"> I'm glad you were able to talk. It's always helpful and calming when as a couple you can sit and rationally discuss things!<br><br>
Here's wishing you more heart to hearts with your Dh... Hopefully you will be able to come to an understanding and he will feel more comfortable about HB!<br><br>
Good luck<br><br>
CM</div>
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