[mama40]

Oh man, I can't stop shaking.

(Background: Stbx on disability for years w/depression & anxiety. Mild-seeming guy, often has a lot of trouble seeing/admitting what kind of shape he's in & scaling back accordingly. Has decided I've made him sicker, am chronically abusive. Enjoys trying to diagnose me. Real nice guy otherwise.

: )

I know this situation with stbx is not stable -- or, rather, that he's not stable. Much as he strives to be. But afaik, he's got a tight lid on a lot of rage, he's being frustrated in his deep desire to pull himself together and get a job and an apartment & get off disability, he's watching me have lots of new success, and he's been violent before. Not towards me or dd, but to door/furniture/self. I know he's thought about hitting me. And I see him frequently.

I don't feel it's safe.

He talked a while ago, weirdly, I thought, about how he'd just have to see less of dd. (At the time I said, "Why? It's worked so far, and she needs to see you.") It occurs to me now that he might have meant he just couldn't take seeing me. Of course, that wouldn't solve the problem -- I suspect he'd just stew about how I'd somehow taken her away from him, or forced him away, and then he'd come back as worse trouble.

It's very dicey. I don't know who to talk to about it, either. I don't want to talk to him about it directly, because I think his relationship to reality is sometimes pretty tenuous. And frankly I don't want to provoke him. The Domestic Violence people are sort of, "Well, you should just keep him away." But that doesn't deal with the fact that he's never actually touched me, or that he and dd have an excellent relationship -- or that I want to be able to see how he's doing, if he's going to be taking care of her.

But it's scary and oh man, I'm so tired of dealing with scary things to do with this guy.

Ohhhh man. I have a feeling there's yet another unpleasant reality to come to terms with here.

 

[arlecchina]

I am not sure your situation, I think you posted last night about a bad feeling about this guy? stay safe, dear

wishing good things to you

 

[kathleenE]

Do you have any mutual friends who know him, and who happen to be psychiatrists or social workers or anything, who can give you some advice from a professional standpoint? You don't want to live your life scared for dd of this ticking timebomb or walking on eggshells every second. Is he willing to go to "parenting" counseling with you (as a front for real counseling for him)? You just want to keep your daughter safe, and if he throws furniture around when he's mad, this is not a good role model, even if he doesn't throw the furniture at her or you (yet).

I really feel for you. If nothing else, *you* might want to consult a psychologist or child psychologist, explain the situation, and get their expert advice. You have the right to live your life without fear for yourself or your daughter.

 

[freewitheft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama40 The Domestic Violence people are sort of, "Well, you should just keep him away." But that doesn't deal with the fact that he's never actually touched me, or that he and dd have an excellent relationship

OK, if they didn't already tell you this, it doesn't have to be physical to be abusive. And, as I've been told, if you *think* a partner is abusive, it's pretty much a given that he is. If you can, go back and talk to these folks some more and let them know that, while you can't put your finger on it exactly, you are *scared*. They should be able to help you put together a safety plan with some practical ideas like varying your routine, always having a cell phone handy, stashing copies of keys and important papers in more than one location, etc. Be safe!

 

[mama40]

=) Well, don't forget that stbx is convinced I'm emotionally and verbally abusive. That's how he reads the three years of trying to get him into treatment and get him up & moving around -- and telling him, when he wouldn't get his rear in gear re: actually doing the therapy at home -- what life was like for me as a caregiver who was also trying to take care of a baby and keep some sanity (lousy).

We're actually awash in mental-health professionals. We do go to couples counseling, though he seems to be vague on the reason for it, and I'll be talking to the counselor about the situation. He's got three other MH people plus a support group, his parents are both psychologists (in denial about the extent of his problems, unfortunately), and I've got my own therapist. There just hasn't been any talk about his violence since the time I called his support worker to say "Hey, please help this guy, he's lost it and is downstairs beating up the couch," and I have no idea what they talked about after that (she wanted me to get him out of the house, which was a good idea). I think that will have to happen.

 

[TAC]

Can you insist that he is in therapy. I had placed in my temporary agreement that x remain in therapy. He also had to sign waivers allowing the law gaurdian to check up on him and that he was following doctors recommendations. I think while this was going on it helped. But that is based on his angry behavior now. You can also demand a psych eval before custody is arranged. Some people are really good at fooling the doctors though, mine is. It is my sense that if you think you are not safe you probably are not.

I went out and got a big dog. I keep her with me alot. X is terrified of her. She is very protective of me and dc. X won't even get out of the car when he picks up dc, which is probably a really good idea on his part.

 

[mama40]

I just started typing out a long response about what I'd been trying to arrange for him, how I was trying to make sure he could maintain health insurance to cover therapy/meds, etc. And all of a sudden I just felt this wave of nausea and tiredness. You know what? No. If he wants to torpedo his disability insurance, lose his health insurance, wander around looking pitiful because nobody's giving him the kind of healthcare coverage he needs, and talk bitterly about The Greedy System or whoever's responsible for it, that's his problem. Would his going untreated make him harder to deal with? Probably. But it's just not worth it, keeping on trying to shore him up like this. I have job, child, friends, family, and actual happiness in my life. I don't need this.

A few nights ago, when we were having the "what're your thoughts on when to introduce dd to a new gf" conversation, we hit a real sticking point about whether or not he should tell me if he's going to introduce dd to someone significant. I don't want to be involved in his personal life; I just want to know what's going on in dd's life. He really saw no reason for a mother to know about a new, important relationship in a kid's life, and saw nothing wrong with leaving a 3-year-old to be the messenger of news like that. It's not burdening her, he says, because she wouldn't be aware of any burden.

:

I was shocked by the lack of ethics there, but it's dawning, in an ugly way, that I'm in for a lot more shocks like that. I'd thought we were of similar minds about lots of things, but much of the time he was just going along with whatever I said. So again I see that there's really no point in the long conversations; I'll just have to see what kind of lines there are to draw, and deal with whatever nonsense comes my way & dd's way.

Oh.

He has reconsidered, and decided I'm not borderline. "Thanks," I said, "I appreciate it." "Oh, it has nothing to do with your appreciation," he says.

 

[freewitheft]

Quote:

Originally Posted by mama40 I'd thought we were of similar minds about lots of things, but much of the time he was just going along with whatever I said. So again I see that there's really no point in the long conversations;

Yeah, I reached that point too. (((hugs)))

 

[ssandna]

oh, boy, do I remember those shaky and scared feelings. I also remember the couple's counsellor who missed it totally and thought I was too anxious because I wouldn't put the baby down or stop rocking in the rocking chair during our sessions..She put a blanket down on the floor and told me it was a "safe space" and I should put the baby down on it while we were having couples therapy. For some reason I just couldn't and wouldn't do it...(grr, am still angry about this, also about my midwife who missed it and the pediatrician, a friend of his, who missed it. I have educated these last 2 but I think the first has moved away somewhere)) Just before the fifth session with her I left him and went to MY therapist who helped me get to the Women's Shelter. THAT was scary too but not as scary as living with him and not knowing what was coming down the pike. Got educated on what abuse was and my legal rights/responsibilities. Moved into a VERY supportive cul de sac, almost all my neighbors knew my situation, and it was hard for him to act up there cause I kept taking it outside and he didn't want his cover blown. those scary times have gotten less and less but they are always a possibility. what is different is that I recognize that its his problem not mine and that it may be that he is not going to be able to solve it this time around. That my daughter is going to have to grow up with this guy as her father figure and it IS possible to come out whole and happy and sweet and strong even like that but only if I keep modelling it myself.