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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
A harmless comment made by me gave my dh an opertunity to slam me down. We were in the car and we were talking about our daughters (we have three daughters and no sons) I said<br>
" I wonder what they will be when they grow up"<br>
I can't remember his exact words but it was something like<br>
"I don't want you to take this the wrong way but I don't want them growing up to be like you"<br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"> WHAT??<br>
"I don't want them to be 'just a mom' I don't want them totally dependant on someone the way you are dependant on me"<br>
I didn't know what to say. I was so <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">: and <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"><br>
Then he went one babbling something about how I don't work and that I need him, that I depend on him and that he didn't want that for his girls.<br><br>
So basically.....he doesn't want our daughter to be like me when they grow up. Nice 'eh?<br><br>
This was almost a week ago and I haven't brought it up again. I have <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> about it a few times but I know that talking about it will only cause a big fight.<br><br>
Am I setting a bad example to my children? I know he is setting a bad example for them by treating his wife that she is less of a person because she doesn't bring home money.<br><br>
How do I talk to him about it? I want to throw it right back at him and make him feel as crapy as he made me feel "well guess what buddy, I do not want our daughters to marry someone like YOU. How are them apples? I do not want them to marry someone who never helps around the house, who never does a load of laundry, who has no idea how to run the dishwasher, who never ever changes a diaper who never gives the kids a bath or help them brush their teeth <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/blahblah.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="blah blah"> "<br><br>
Truth is...he is dependant on me as I am of him. If I was not here then who would take care of the children, who would cook for him, clean for him or rub his neck when he is tense?<br><br>
I have made little coments to him but I don't think he gets it yet. The other day when he asked me to make sure the lawn was cleaned off (dog poop and such) so he could mow it...I just went ahead and mowed it for him. He was very happy about that. I said to him "see hun....I don't need you. I want you but I don't really need you"<br><br>
What would you do if anything? I feel like I need to talk about it or I will just continue to feel unloved and sick inside.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>candipooh</strong></div>
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Am I setting a bad example to my children?</div>
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Not by being a sahm. But maybe by being in a relationship where your work isn't valued. Also maybe by being in a relationship where all of the childcare and housework is "women's work" (AND not valued).<br><br>
I don't know enough about the relationship to know how much he respects you, but I think it is important that parents respect each other and that kids witness that respect. (I grew up in household in which my dad didn't respect my mom - it was hard cause you love both your parents and you are left feeling guilty and ashamed when one is made to feel bad by the other).<br><br>
Anyway, I don't have any advice except to say I don't think this is a sahm issue as much as a marital issue.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I am composing a letter to him right now. With a letter he won't have a chance to get amd and storm off and I won't chicken out on what I want to say.<br><br>
It is making me <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mecry.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="crying"> though.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br><br>
What a no good, very bad, low down thing for him to have said. I'm sorry!<br><br>
~Tracy
 

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I can see how a man who valued the work his wife did by being a stay at home mom and still say that. It has to be conflicting for a dad. SAHM are in a very vunreable position. we are dependant on ourhusbands to provide and protect our well being. That could be very scary for a dad looking at his dds. I mean he feels OK about you being depant becuase he has control over how your dh treats you. its him. He can make sure youand the girls are taken care of and treated right. but he won't have that kind of quality control over thier husbands. if they are completely dependant on thier dh and he screws them over what can he do about it. his preciouse dd wil be left high and dry.<br><br>
I say talk to him about it. try to lay aside how muc that comment stung and find out exactly what he meant. where that comment came from. does he resent that he is in a position of having to completelyprovide for you and the girls? or does it scare him? or is it just the thought of his dd being left dependant on a man less reliable than him that scares him? Does he think stay at home moms are great? Maybe he is conflicted and wants both. wants them to be able to stay at home and be nurtures while not having to be dependant on a man. maybe he doesn't walue the work of a stay at home mom. Don't know what to tell you then. But I wouldn't just take that comment at face value and be misreable about it. men are much more complicated than they let on. especially when it come to protecting and providing for their children.
 

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Sounds like someone needs to make his own food and do his own laundry and see who depends on who. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief">
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>lilyka</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I can see how a man who valued the work his wife did by being a stay at home mom and still say that. .</div>
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Hum...you got me thinking. I am going to re-do my letter and try to keep this in mind.<br><br><br>
I think I was so hurt because it has been a huge problum in the past. He grew up with a single mom. She had two jobs and still kept a clean house. So he has had a hard time viewing me as an equally importnat part of the family. Because after all it is all about the money...if I am not amking any I must not be that great.
 

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Something I would put in that letter is the fact that you are choosing the life you're leading, that you're not dependent on him, really. You could go get a paying job, but he is dependent on you to provide childcare, and your children are dependent on you to raise them.
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/jaw.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="dropjaw"><br>
I would have to talk to him about it. That is one seriously &*%$ed up thing to say to the Mother of your children. Really. I mean, he did agree to woh while you stayed home with the kids, right?!?! Not trying to be harsh, but I'm so pissed FOR you...wow.<br><br>
AND he is wrong. I'll bet you anything that you are not totally dependant on him. If you had to do all of it including the financial part for your daughters you could do it, and do it well.<br><br><img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> Mama
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug"> I am so sorry he said that to you. I agree with Adina, I would do NOTHING for him and see how much he gets for free. Better yet make him start paying you.....let's see what services you provide:<br><br>
childcare<br>
chef<br>
laundress<br>
housekeeper<br>
time management consultant<br>
if you home school: private school<br>
chauffeur for his children<br><br><br>
the list is endless....give him a bill and say well since you feel I should not depend on you then you should not depend on me to provide these services for free! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:
 

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I'd like you to keep in mind the difference between codependence and interdependence. Dependence is not necessarily a bad thing. I would want my children to learn to be interdependent, just as our family is. I think that depending on people can be a good thing. It's cooperation, attachment, compassion, love. It's part of what makes us human. So perhaps he just doesn't see it that way. And it sounds like he needs a little bit of a reminder how you both depend on each other but you could survive without him just as well as he could survive without you. It'd be a struggle either way, but still possible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>RubyWild</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">Something I would put in that letter is the fact that you are choosing the life you're leading, that you're not dependent on him, really. You could go get a paying job, but he is dependent on you to provide childcare, and your children are dependent on you to raise them.</div>
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I did try to find a job a few years ago and no one would hire me. I refused to put my children in daycare so my only hours that I could work were after dh got home from work. So no one would hire me. I tried for 6 months but nothing! Plus I am sure that seeing as how the last job I had was 7 years ago didn't help.<br><br>
We have had many talks about this subject. He has never much totally aprecheated what I do. I remember when I asked him a few months ago about he really wanted then he really didn't know. He wants the best of BOTH worlds. A wife to help with finances and a wife to raise the children (SAHM) He needs to work it out in his mind what he wants. He is just confusing me by flipflopping.<br><br>
I want to scream "MAKE UP YOUR MIND> Either I am a stay at home mom or I go to work and your kids are in day care and public school" (I homeschool BTW)<br><br>
I bet if I did work and wasn't so dependant on him that he would still treat me like that only it would be "why can't you be a better mom"<br><br>
stormborn....<br>
At first we didn't agree. It was silly and stupid that we didn't figure it out before we got married or had kids. I was very pregnant with our first and sitting down at dh's work to eat luch with him. I had just quit my job. He said something like "you know...when the baby gets to be a few months old and you go back to work" I was like "?????" He assumed that I would go back I assumed that I wouldn't.<br><br>
Later on when baby was born he didn't want anyone else to watch her. But I really think the way we were raised has a huge effect on our feelings.<br><br>
I grew up in a strick Mormon family. My mom was a SAHM. There was never an issue. That is just the way things were. My dad viewed it as her job and was never at her for wanting her to do more.<br><br>
He grew up with a single mom. He was on his own a lot at the age of about 8 (meaning no babysitter no day care just him and his brother). He often took care of his younger brother while his mom worked two jobs. That was just the way it was.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>MamaBug</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">the list is endless....give him a bill and say well since you feel I should not depend on you then you should not depend on me to provide these services for free! <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/irked.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="irked">:</div>
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Oh that sounds tempting, so very tempting <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/kewl.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="kewl">
 

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Wow that's truly horrible. I would be deeply hurt as well. I'm glad you are writing a letter.<br><br>
My grandmother was a SAHM to 6 children but she was always insistent that her daughters go to college and be prepared to have a career - she felt it was important that they have something they could do to earn a good living so that they weren't dependent on their husband like she was on my grandfather. It's not that she didn't think being a SAHM was important - she did - she just wanted to make sure they had a back up plan if things didn't work out or if God forbid something happened. Maybe that's what he meant?
 

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<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/hug.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="hug">s<br>
I'm sorry you are going through this and that your hubby doesn't respect you being a SAHM. Hey, I think your hubby and mine must have been brothers because he has the same attitude. I don't work in his mind because I don't make money, been thinking about sending him the bill. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/mischievous.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="mischief">
 

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Wow, you are definitely not getting the respect you deserve! But I think it may be a separate issue from what he wants the girls to be when they grow up.<br><br>
I grew up with mixed messages on the SAHM issue. On the one hand, my dad would tell me (very conservative Christian) that it was a man's duty to provide for his wife and family. On the other hand, he always struggled to provide and my mom was physically unable to help out in anyway (she tried one year). So he also told me that it was very important that I go to college and have a career to fall back on. When I did finish college and start a career he was very proud of the fact that I would be able to take care of myself if need be.<br><br>
It's very scary for some men to be the sole provider. It's natural to want more for your children and if you struggle financially then he may just be thinking that he doesn't want that for the girls. I know from my parents' experience with my sister that it is heartbreaking to watch your child (and grandchild) suffer financially.<br><br>
As for you being dependent...heck no! It is an interdependent relationship. You may not bring financial resources to the table, but you are doing more than your fair share in providing for the family. He needs to see this and realize how important you are to the family. In my opinion he is the one who should be doing more.<br><br>
Kimberly
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>candipooh</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">I did try to find a job a few years ago and no one would hire me. I refused to put my children in daycare so my only hours that I could work were after dh got home from work. So no one would hire me. I tried for 6 months but nothing! Plus I am sure that seeing as how the last job I had was 7 years ago didn't help.</div>
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You couldn't find a job because of the limitations having children brings. If you didn't have those limitations, you could get a job or get training to get a job. I don't know what your husband does, but I doubt he could do it if he suddenly had 3 kids to care for and a home to make.
 

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<div>Originally Posted by <strong>KimberMama</strong></div>
<div style="font-style:italic;">As for you being dependent...heck no! It is an interdependent relationship. You may not bring financial resources to the table, but you are doing more than your fair share in providing for the family. He needs to see this and realize how important you are to the family. In my opinion he is the one who should be doing more.<br><br>
Kimberly</div>
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I agree with this! When I was dating my DH I asked my MIL if she felt quilty - like she wasn't doing enough to provide for her family when she was a SAHM. she was completely flabbergasted! She told me that each person in the relationship has to contribute and while her husbands contribution ( financial )<br>
was very important, her contribution of raising healthy, happy children was just as important. That her marraige was a partnership and when FIL/her DH lost his job she went back to work and had 2 to cover his 1, but that was the need.<br>
Being young at the time I had never heard it put this way, and from then on I remembered this! I have NEVER let myself or anyone else make me feel like what I was doing was not important!<br><br>
I have a great book on parenting that says something like<br><i>" More important then what someone says to you is what you say to yourself about what thet say to you "</i> This is something I wish that I would have learned as a child, and I know that I will teach my kids!!!<br><br>
sending you <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"> & letting you know that only you know in your heart the right way to approach your dh on this subject! I hope that you are able to share your feelings with him and they are heard .
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
Thanks every one. I feel better just letting it out.<br><br>
I am not sure I will give him the letter now. I may just ask him to explain more on what he was trying to say. then I will go from there. I will admit that I have a tendancy to take things the wrong way someitmes. <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/shy.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="innocent"><br><br><br>
(Kimberly- hope you are feeling better! Sylvia is doing better but still not sure about tomorrow)
 
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