Mothering Forum banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My older daughter, 4, has been testing the limits to the EXTREME lately. It isn't helping very much that I have almost zero patience because her younger sibling hasn't slept more than 3 hours at a time since birth and I am so exhausted that I feel like I'm going to have a breakdown. We bought the No Cry Sleep Soultion but implementing it has been chalenging (she nurses to soothe herself every hour or so). I am finding that staying at home (especially in the rainy yucky weather, when we literally are AT HOME all the time) is a much more dificult situation for me than I realized it would be. I am used to adult interaction on a daily basis. Peeing when I need to, more or less. Showering daily. You get the drift.<br><br>
Although my daughter goes to preschool 5 days a week until 12:30, and my dh is usually home before 4 every day, I find myself dreading the hours between 1 and 4, when i have to care for both kids. I am burnt out from caring for the baby all morning, and then the even greater challenge of taking care of my daughter as well in the afternoon. She has really started saying a lot of hurtful things, being quite rude and ungrateful when we do nice things for her, pitching huge fits when she doesn't get her way, etc. She is wonderful with her little sister, has never intentionally hurt her and is generally very loving (although does sometimes get frustrated with her). She is very well-behaved at school, follows directions, listens to and helps her teachers, gets along with other kids. But man is she pushing my buttons.<br><br>
I have been yelling a lot more than I ever thought I would. And feeling lots and lots of anger and impatience. I try so hard to be patient, but I am not a patient person naturally, I have had to work really hard at it all my life. In fact I was a tantrumer as a child and Mel has definitely inherited my personality. She ignores us a lot. She is watching way more TV than I'd like, but sometimes I just don't know what else to do with her. Now that it is warming up, we can go out more, the zoo, the park, etc, which helps a lot. But today, for example, we went to the zoo with a friend she had not seen in a long time, and when it was time to leave, she was extremely rude to me (not a meltdown, but some rude and ungrateful remarks). I just got so angry. I yelled a lot of the way home. I know it wasn't the right thing to do, but after having a great day and having lots of fun, plus buying a zoo membership card and thinking I was doing such a nice thing for her to have her say, "You are NOT the greatest mommy" and other things just made me so pissed off!<br><br>
Okay, I'm off to take her to bed and help her fall asleep. Any ideas, help on becoming more patient and less angry/taking things personally when she says hurtful things?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts
<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="/img/vbsmilies/smilies/hug2.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="Hug2"><br>
I am with you sweety, though my dd is not yet four, she is doing similar behaviors.<br>
And it is hard to stay patient when thing gets piled on thing. I have been working on not reacting, buddist style, a sort of here is this emotion and there it goes, letting go.<br>
I don't have any techniques as I am right where you are, so thank you for sharing what you are going through, and I am eager to see what suggestions there are.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,441 Posts
This doesn't address everything- but I suggest that when your dd says something hurtful or upsetting, that you simply state your feelings instead of yelling at her. Tell her "That was a very hurtful thing to say, I try to be the best mommy I can be, just like you try to be the best child you can be" "Please do not talk to me that way", And then just let it go. Yes, just let it go.<br><br>
Oh, and take up a hobby or do something for yourself! A little time to be yourself, whether its while doing a craft, going to a bookstore to chill out with coffee and a magazine, or exercising- but something you do without the kids for you. Its much easier to deal with kids when you take care of yourself. Maybe you should try meditation or yoga? <img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/smile.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="smile">
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I try to respond to her that way usually. I yell more than I'd like, but usually only when she's having a really rough day, or I am. I do have hobbies too! I don't have as much time as I'd like to knit, but I joined a local group that meet weekly, and I'm hoping that will help too. I have a lot of things going on right now actually, I think it is more than just her behavior, tbh. Or even mine for that matter.<br><br>
Anyway, today she is obviously miserably sick, poor thing, which probably explains the super cranky rudeness of yesterday. Today after preschool (she was okay this morning, I didn't know she was feeling sick until we got home) I made her soup and let her have 7 Up and a popsicle and she's wrapped in a blanket and watching some TV and resting. This is one time when I don't get stressed or worried about logging TV hours, lol.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,051 Posts
I don't think the suggestion about doing things for yourself by yourself is very realistic right now. I have been there, my first three were born in 4 yrs. Perspective is a good thing, it seems like a hundred yrs ago. MY youngest is 3 now, the rest are 14, 12 9.5. Hang in there, use tv but try to balnce with reading books, etc. to make sure dd is getting your focused attention sometimes. sometimes little ones are riduculous like this when they are about to make some huge developmental leap.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,593 Posts
I really feel for you. Taking care of two children is a real challenge. Mine are 22 months apart, and my dh has a busy season that lasts for six months every other year. The last busy season, I was alone with both girls all day every day, including weekends, with no preschool and no help at all. Talk about burnout.<br><br>
I found a few things that worked for us. Of course, ymmv. The main thing was to really connect with my older daughter a few times a day. To take time to hug her, to tell her how special she is to me, just taking a few minutes to make sure she knew she is cherished.<br><br>
The other thing was to cut way back on my housework expectations. In my case, I was doing other things when I could have been connecting with my older daughter. Is there some way you can forget all the housework, laundry, getting dinner ready by a certain time sort of stuff and focus on loving and really connecting with your older dd instead?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
70 Posts

Lousli I have a lot of things going on right now actually said:
<br><br>
I was curious about what you meant by this?<br><br>
And contrary to popular opinion I do think that we all yell sometimes, the important thing is to follow it by some deep breaths and apologizing, and explaining.<br>
I don't thing you should be to hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can, I believe that you are a good person (from what experience I have<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> )<br>
and you are modeling normal behaviors and how to cope with frustration.<br>
One of the best things I learned from my Mom is that we are always improving, and I learned that from watching her improve herself, not from anything she ever said to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
I meant I am wondering if some of her behavior is triggered by circumstances other than our relationship with each other. Worrying about kindergarten coming up, adjusting still to becoming an older sister, to having me SAH instead of dad, picking up on stress over not having enough money right now, that kind of thing. I also think some of my behavior might be due to the same things. I'm really tired, not eating or excercising well, not taking care of myself, so it is hard to take care of her. And I am starting to wonder as well if i have some depression things/hormonal things from the pill going on too. Does that clarify at all?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,109 Posts
it's hard! your little one is just a little over 1? that first year with two was the hardest for me. maybe there's a light at the end of your tunnel with warmer weather ahead. i do agree with inezyv, try to make some special time for your older dd w/o little sis around. ask your dh to do the same, esp if i'm reading correctly and he used to be a sahd. you might like to check out the book <a href="http://www.playfulparenting.com/" target="_blank">playful parenting</a> by cohen. there's a playful parenting thread on mdc somewhere, too.<br><br>
as far as supplements, are you still taking your vitamins? i take omega 3s from nordic naturals, too, and think it really helps with my existential depression :LOL .<br><br>
as far as yelling, model the behavior you want to see. for me after i lose it and yell, that means apologizing and explaining that it wasn't nice for me to talk that way and asking for forgiveness.<br><br>
hth
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I just bought some Rescue Remedy, St. John's Wort,and Flax Oil yesterday. I'm wondering if Flax oil will supply enough omega 3's or if I have to get fish oil<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/grossedout.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="gross"> ? I'm going to start that, and try really hard to get out and excercise a little, and try to find some special Melly/mommy time, and see how things go from there! Thanks for all the advice, mamas.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
8,109 Posts
the fish oil capsules (like vitamin Es) aren't bad at all. i get no fishy taste. if you're veg*n they would be problematic, but otherwise i've not noticed a taste. they are flavored anyway, lemon or orange or strawberry. i give my girls the kids' strawberry flavored ones by nordic naturals and they love them. they just chew them up!<br><br>
i _think_ flax oil supplies some precursor omega 3s kinda like beta carotene is to vitamin A. i'm pretty hazy on that so you might want to do more research rather than take my word for it.<br><br>
i'm betting things will get better for you soon!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,051 Posts
Aside from taking supplements, you need to actually eat ! Also, going for a walk everyday will make a huge difference. Delay all the expensive remedies and oils until you take some easy steps to improve your own outlook. Eating and fresh air may seem too obvious, but give them a chance, they're free...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Thanks everyone! You mamas are awesome! I'm really doing some self-examination right now, and I think I'm going to look into some treatment for depression/counseling but I'm also going to try to eat better and excercise more (the motivation is very difficult for me).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,493 Posts
I think your biggest problem here is viewing the fact that your 4 y.o. is "rude and ungrateful" as some big problem. I don't mean you have to like it, but maybe you are taking it too personally????<br><br>
Have you read "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf.<br><br>
It's about why the same child that is helpful and well behaved at pre-school is going to be rude and unhelpful (sometimes) at home. It's about how this is not only normal but in some ways a necessity, though an unpleasant one.<br><br>
I think the book might help you put her behavior in a completely different light and it might even help you deal with it better so you no longer reacted to it with anger.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,365 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I am interested in reading that, as I've heard it recommended several times. I also do realize that kids, if they trust you, can "let it all hang out" at home, whereas the rules/expectations and relationships at school are different. I WAS that child<img alt="" class="inlineimg" src="http://www.mothering.com/discussions/images/smilies/lol.gif" style="border:0px solid;" title="lol"> my parents always thought my teachers were talking about someone else during conferences.<br><br>
But to me, it is a problem if my daughter can't treat people in our home respectfully, or is purposefully saying things to me, my dh, and sometimes her sister with the absolute intention of hurting our feelings as much as she can. I know as the adult, I need to look beyond that behavior and find ways to respond appropriately to it, and I'm working on that. But I don't think it is unreasonable to expect that she is a little more kind to us.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top